Its been way more than a while, time flies and waits for no one, doesn't it? :) 

I had a dream last night, a dream that brought me back to my younger days. When sailing, studies and friends seemed to be all that revolves around me. Back then, the slightest setback seems like e hardest and biggest one there is. Where happiness meant having a great time with friends and the doing of the most silly things. When eating cup noodles with friends at the nearby video store was a daily event.

I dreamt of this boy I used to fancy back then, more of an admiration rather. I haven't done anything silly for him, never told him that I liked him though he might have known I probably did. It was those young naive crush on someone that has an impact on you for years. Just because you know he most likely doesn't like you at all cause you're not his 'type'. :) Then as you grow a little older, you realised that this seemingly 'perfect' boy, had flaws as well!

But you see, that wasn't part of my dream. In reality, I know he's no longer who I'm looking for, but in my dream, he was this young boy again. Innocent. Trusting. And I miss that part, not just in my dream, I miss that part in real life. I missed it in everyone around me, there was a time when believing in someone's words was done with ease.

When I woke up, I cannot deny that a rush of sadness came over me. As I mulled over e dream, I realised, that there's a difference between loving the idea of someone and loving who that person really is. With all honesty, if I had a choice now, I will still choose my boy over him. 

Dreams are very mysterious, in that your mind is trying to tell you something subconsciously. I've been contemplating the idea of studying in UK, but I'm very torn about leaving the love I've found here. I know I'll regret not going overseas, but I'll be equally or even more bitter if I lose him as a result of studying overseas.

Maybe, just maybe, my mind is telling me to remember why I love. Reminding me who stayed by my side when I was on e brink of demise. Will you tell me which path is the right path? I'm afraid of choosing the wrong road.

Till then.

its been a reallyy long time since I've actually typed anything in here. sometimes it feels like, the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to pen down how you feel. cause really, there isn't anything that wouldn't pass on.

so many things have happened in the past 5 months, i'm quite astonished as to how quickly time seems to be passing by. In a blink of an eye, some of the most significant events in your friend's life, your own life just zoomed past. haha I'm just amazed you noe. At how things have been progressing :)

Then again, its been a really good 5 months. Definitely like all the other times, filled with ups and downs. but for some reason, everything feels much more at ease.

I've never really liked being alone, and without my boyfriend around after his enlistment, it was pretty torturous. From seeing someone almost every day of the week, to not seeing him for 3 weeks.. gosh, as much as I did consider how difficult it would be, you're nvr prepared enough for sth so drastic to happen. haha

so i've counted with my two hands, and I'll be meeting him a total of 7 days in Dec! :D with half of that due to him falling sick. so it's.. 4 days of actually talking! hahaha okay, i'm really not blaming him, as much as it SEEMS that way. I love him to bits, but i hate army. get that right! >=((

it's getting much easier for me to accept things now. I started out like a crazy crying baby monster, getting sad at everything for him going to army, becoming more vulgar (but he's really good now, no more vulgarities in front of me!), feeling neglected and all that tiny little stuff. its sorta like, when someone is a distant away, you sorta realise how much you really miss them.

And now, i'm on a 19 day journey without any contact with him. haha gosh. even during his bmt days, he could still call me at night. but now it's complete silence! GAHH. field camp for him this week and i'll be going overseas for the next 2 weeks till end of dec! no christmas celebration :( but at least there's new year's! :)

you gotta agree with me you noe, after i'm back from europe, he'll be going through POP in a week's time! :D reallyy looking forward to that cause he'll have a one week block leave!! YAY!! but after that, it'll be another period of waiting once again.

ohhwells. good things comes to those who wait. and I for one, believe in that completely! :) because you're worth the wait.

till then!

it doesn't matter what i did, what i try to do or even what i think might be. because nth is ever good enough. I can't make everyone happy, and in the end, the one who ends up being most upset abt it is me.

because it's my fault right? it has always been and it always will be.

i'm sorry everyone arnd me is nvr happy. i just don't noe how to do that.

till then.

"I don't see the point in pretending to be something other than what you are, because if you do, at some point, you're going to have to reveal your true self, and if it's completely different, they're going to run off screaming."

Jane Green

I'm grateful that i don't have a put on a smile like all the other time. though I can't erase the mistakes I've done.

Learn to listen, learn to comprehend. Actions we do which means nothing to you. We're rude, unfilial, hopeless and possibly a failure. Whose future is filled with uncertainty except one conviction. That failure behalfs upon us as we are all too rude for our own good. We never do anything for you, neither small nor big. No please or Thankyou. No good morning or good night. We rebut you at every given opportunity, reply questions you ask with anger and are never appreciative of your hard work. We chide abt everything you do, every tiny bit of help you try to give and find fault with all your teachings. Never believing what you say.

You may never see this, but I hope that one day you'll know, how we really are and who we'll always be.

We rebut because we want you to know, that sometimes you need to listen, to this voice we have in us. We're rude because we feel threatened, by the way you talk to us. We don't appreciate the things you do, because we hope that you'll appreciate us. We know you've done a lot for us and helped us through so much, but we have tried our best to show our appreciation. Only to be rejected in return. We're filial in ways you'll never know, we'll never leave you to perish on your own. Yes your 'friends' are everything now, but when trouble approach, we're the ones who'll stand by you. We get angry when you scold us, when you reprimand us for things we feel had abt. That's when anger ensues. An exchange of harsh words, criticisms and intolerance. In the end, when the situation gets better, we feel the pain it brought upon the family while you seem to go on, as if everything was never your fault. Sometimes the small gestures you show, brings abt heartfelt appreciation. Though unspoken, but nevertheless heartfelt. But please understand, that there's a scar which you left in our hearts. A scar so deep, it's difficult to fade away. It was marked when we were young, so please forgive us when we blame you and never seem to appreciate you. Because the scar reminds us of bad memories, it makes us think abt why we should be kind. And you left a second scar on me. This doesn't concern my siblings. Just a scar you gave to me. The one year I decided to buy your favorite cake for you on father's day, was the one time I lost faith in you. The cake was left in the fridge, with the words 'happy father's day' on it. You knew it was there, we told you so. But when we came back from an overseas trip, the cake was still in e fridge, perfectly untouched. Probably you didn't feel like eating, thought. And then you proved me wrong. I saw the same exact cake beside mine, from the same shop, in e same box. The only difference was, you ate half of it. GONE. and you just left my cake there, ignored. I tried showing my appreciation. I really did. But you rejected it, the one time I wanted to thank you for being my dad. I'm sorry you didn't like it. I really thought you'd appreciate my gesture.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

dads. Please know. That your children care. we all know you mean well but sometimes, some secrets we find will reveal this ugly side. And we can't forgive you for what you've done. Please stop tightening the reign, because one day, we'll be tired of it. And that's when nothing you do for us will mean anything. We love you, but it's starting to get too much.

i hate it when i get so temperamental.

i'm so afraid of making the same mistakes again, is this a valid reason for me to not give you an answer anytime soon?

Honestly, just how low can you fall.

Looks like I was wrong
To think that you were the same as before
Lost, despicable and broken
Who is this person, heretofore

I thank god you left
I thank god you're gone
This person standing before me
Soul so tainted, lights all gone

My dear boy, please don't cry
She left you for reasons...so undisguised

My dear friend, open your eyes
You've lost sth more precious than life.


I don't noe whether to laugh at your plight or sympathise with your demise. I'll still care but in the end, I won't ever believe in that apologetic 'ohh I'm sorry I left'

seeing you now, I really feel like you somehow knew it was coming. please pick yourself up, trouble will come knocking.

I've picked myself up, why can't you do the same.