longing for you to come back~

time is supposed to heal, but i miss you more and more each day... perhaps i need to pen down my thoughts and words to you.. i wonder if there was someway i could enter posts and make them private.. just selective posts..

everyday i mechanically run through the day's activities, or lack thereof, and accumulate thoughts and words like i usually would, so that i can tell you everything i did, everything i feel... just that now, you're no longer here for me to cal each night and pour my heart out..

i miss your voice, i miss your warmth, i miss your everything...

i love you and we had so many dreams together... why you had to be taken away now, i wont understand.. i can barely breathe and cling onto whatever tried and tested faith i have left to trust that it is all in His plan and His time..

went to the two weddings this weekend, the two that you were supposed to attend as well.. its great cos i'm so happy for them.. but yet its so darn painful cos i think about what ours would have been like.. everyone tells me you would have made it beautiful.. and i think it would have been beautiful just being with you.. i wish you were here, i wish you were here, i wish you could come back.. i can't say it enough, everyday i think it about a thousand times.. i miss you baby, you said you never wanted to lose me.. i told you i never wanted to lose you either.. but i did, though not out of either of our choice, but still a loss so real and painful... baby, what if the roles were switched? u held me together.. and now i'm falling apart.. mustering everything i have within me and all the strength He has given me to hold myself together..

every night, like now, i wish i could say goodnight, and fall aslp in your arms.. your comforting warm arms.. soft, tender, caring, loving, selfless...

its so hard, too hard, harder than anything i've ever been thru.. i wish i could see you in heaven when i close my eyes to sleep..

Lord, please give me strength to live each day, and fill me with your love and joy, in place of this pain of losing both my daddie and my life-partner-to-be...i'm not that strong, i am nothing without You

my cosy colt and cosy cove...

got a little yellow colt last week for my daily ride to and from work..=) its like the beetle-the-2nd. haha.. i think i took a liking to yellow cars after my beetle...

oh and we went to ikea today and got a new wardrobe for my room.. and knowing how cramped and cluttered my already-small bedroom is, we shifted things around and now i have a revamped cosy cove with my bed right by the floor to ceiling windows.. i kinda like it like that and wonder why we didn't do this before.. =p there's a huge empty space by the wall awaiting the arrival of my new wardrobe tomorrow.. goodness knows the massive amount of clothes and stuffs i haf wun fit into my currently filled wardrobes and dresser.. haha..

but it also came with having to say bye to my bookshelf with all my old photos and little sentimental things.. will have to find a new home for them.. some will hopefully continue to be on display and a reminder of all the blessings i had through each stage of my life, while others will prob be sadly given away, or stored in a box of memories to be held out of sight- but still close by, for future reminiscence when i'm old and grey~ =)

words unspoken~

all the sweet words you freely give to others, why couldn't you spare a few for me?

it could have made all the difference.

farewell to the land of the free~

can't believe its my last nite in the states.. tmr i'll be on a plane flying home and starting on a completely new phase of my life.. and i can never look back, i can never come back or relive a single moment that from the past four years..

bleah. sudden nostalgia.. said nites to the girls for the last time in a long while, they've grown so much and am jus wondering how much i'll miss till i next see them,..

am gonna miss lots about these four years once i step on that plane, if i'm not already feeling it now.. the freedom, the independence, being in the same continent as my sister and being able to make free phone calls across the country.. making my own decisions, going where i want when i want, cooking watever i like to eat, whenever i like to eat, then eating in front of my tv, late nite drive throughs, late night hang outs..

i tend to be overly sentimental and i hate goodbyes =(

and this time i'll haf to do it alone...

one last time..

happy toes~

pedis make my feet feel nice and soft again.. until i torture my feet through my love for dancing again, i have happy toes and feet=) yay and thanx for the pedi outing~!

ps. should i get a nano since its cheaper here? or should i be perfectly content with my still functioning nano from 2006 that does all things well except not play videos. hm i guess i could always use my n95 for that huh? *ponder, ponder*

5 days left..

or actually just 4-ish.. left before i head home for good.. well, for the next six years at least.. and knowing how i am with my risk-adverseness and tendencies to stay within the safe and predictable zone.. likely i will stay for the rest of my life unless something drastic occurs within the next decade or so..

alot of thinking going through my head as i spend my last couple of days here, not that i dun usually already think too much for my own good...

am glad at least its time well spent with my sister and the two cutest most adorable little girls in the world..

this time next week i'll really be home.. the thought is kinda surreal..

bunder, bugs and poopies..

some things that we've established meredith really doesnt like- in her very own words..

translation: thunder, bugs and puppies..=P

soo, after what may have been the most hectic month or more of my life thus far (or so i remember it) i'm here in buffalo having my post grad chill-out at my sister's..

so many goodbyes recently, and so many changes, it just makes me wonder where life is gonna take me next.. i just wandered into the other guest room of this house for a little bit, and thought of thanksgiving and christmas time when i came to visit.. that was the room that was my first cosy cove.. didn't spend much time there, but somehow made me think alot.. i'm in the middle of closing one chapter of my life and making my transition into the next big chapter..

well.. now that i'm done with school- possibly forever? - maybe this place might become more alive again..

phew. i can't believe i made it through all that madness.. i can't believe things turned out ok after all that mess.. it's all Him~! if He could carry me through all that, i can or at least should be pretty sure that whatever comes next is in His control.. =p you know, He will really never place you anywhere without the love and strength to make it through..

hah disjointed thoughts--what can i say, i was never a good writer... *shrugs*