i almost broke down crying today.
felt really useless and tired of trying.
i know i've been drinking and smoking way too much recently.
never really try to be home early to be with the family and stuff.
feels like im running away again.
but theres no where to run to.
im so sick of myself being this way.
the more i think about it,the more stress i feel.
i know i can do better but maybe im just trying to runaway while i can.
im losing faith in myself.
i dont seem to find my way back again.
(just keep telling myself dont lose hope,theres always a way through)

every night,just pouring another drink just to get some sleep.
i need a new habit.a good one.

hey..just wanna say..
i really miss you..

trying my best not to think about it,but it keeps haunting me.
cant eat well,cant sleep well,smoking and drinking way too much.
damn these habits of mine.
i start to think alot recently.
the actions i've regretted
the selfish decisions i make.
its killing me inside.
i need to do something before i mess up my life again.

Paloma Faith - Picking Up The Pieces

heres a video for the day.
love this song ;)

feels really awkward coming back here,
reminds me of the good times and bad times
seems more like all the bad times though.heh.
wanted to write some stuff on facebook then i realise itll just pass by
so i thought of writing out my feelings right here,so i can at least remember it.

today 29th oct 2012
0238HR now,cant seem to sleep at all
it was just now that i started missing my friends
the good old times,the bad times we've been through
there was a time where i struggled through with some insane experience.
that time i've thought i lost everything.
nothing went well,nothing feels sane to me.
i couldnt help it but to freak out everytime the flash back gets me.
i thought to myself,would things be better if it didnt happen?
i wish i could figure out what happen but i had no idea,not a single answer i could think of.
never really cared about it though,its the past anyway.

what am i saying,
bye.

hey,how have you been?

just a couple of months and ill be going in NS already.

man,im tired of working.

i need a HOLIDAY!

when will you be free?

when can i see you again..

alive.

I've got so much love for you darlin'
And I, I wanna let you know how I feel

And it's true that I love you
And it's true you're the only one
And I do, I adore you
And it's true, girl

never really wanted but just for a moment.

At night when the stars
light up my room
I sit by myself
Talking to the Moon
Try to get to You
In hopes you're on
the other side
Talking to me too
Or am I a fool
who sits alone
Talking to the moon~

sometimes i just wish that im fucking perfect.

dear blogger,
u know, i kept reminding myself
the shitty things i've done before
i've repeatedly remind myself to never look back.
but..i just cant.

keeps going on my head.

So nice to see your face again
Tell me how long has it been
Since you've been here
(Since you've been here)
You look so different than before
You're still the person I adore
Frozen with fear
All out of love but I take it from the past
All out of words cause I'm sure it'll ever last

one thing i realised about myself.

i've never managed to move on from the past.

im always stuck somewhere somehow not able to forget.

when u try so hard to avoid it,it just keeps coming back.

i hate it alot when im having a good time and those flashbacks just keeps coming back.

i miss the warm feeling.the feeling when nothing else matters.

i seem to be always lost at some point of life.
nothing seems to interest me anymore.
one question i've never managed to answer.
what do i want in life?
work in the army?
teacher...policeman...?
i want to start my own business :)
opening a restaurant pub :)
but it seems like this dream of mine is never coming true.
well at least i have one thing to work hard for.

Code Geass R2

first time i teared after watching anime.

really nice story :)

2011 resolution:
clear ming's debt slowly
have a saving for friends presents
wait till i get in NS

i realised,i've never really understand a girl's thinking.

at the end of the journey,everyone wants to settle down and have a loving wife.

every girl wants to be attached to something.

every badass guy just wanna to have fun.

sometimes i dont even understand my own feelings.

issit lust? issit faith? =/

sometimes i wonder,when i advise those young couples,

to keep going,no matter what,hold on.

then i look back,i've never been a successful one myself,

i always end up in one complete big mess

never understand how my partner feels

i remember myself telling you that you dun understand,

to be honest,i've never understood myself.

sometimes i need someone to hug and hold on to.

sometimes i just wanna be alone and not to be bother

i wonder,do my friends think this way too?

am i such a bothersome person?

in reality,i've never wanted to be alone.

but deep down,i know,that when im alone,

i wont be able to hurt anyone,or myself.

maybe its just this nightmare and these flash backs that keeps coming.

i dont even know what i want anymore.

to grow old?

have family?

support my family?

damn.

its tiring to keep thinking this way.

im sick of being involved in relationship.

maybe 10 years later,ill look back and tell myself,

you stupid retard.

maybe,ill just keep moving forward.

maybe ill get to forget you :)

and hopefully..he is your true happiness.

ciao blogger! :)

yes,ill miss you.i said that too many times before.

this was the life i wished for.
somehow,deep in my heart,
i wanted to be alone :)

i guess,nobody like a too honest person.
being too honest just lures assholes.
thats just how the world spins.
there wont be good without evil.

i remember being framed by them.

those so called friends.

i remember when they needed me,

i was always there.

but they werent there,

when i needed them.

so called friends i needed.

its only been a few days.

seems like my asthma is active once again.
its kinda funny but i actually did saw this coming.
just how long more..?
im really tired.

ijustwannaleavequietly.

finally,the feelings are fading.

one goal i tried to accomplish but failed.seeing your real smiles.

you seem to be the only motivation i had when all else fails

living each day like no tomorow .

living each day without regrets.

i did make a mistake which i regretted alot.

not being totally committed to you.

i didnt have enough guts to show you the real me.

i guess..there is no point regretting now that you're gone.

i should be glad thats all :)

this tattoo will be a mark.

for my love to you.

i dont mind the future or the past anymore.

this is the real me.

well,

NEXT PLAN.

NS.

i hope granny will be alright..

i want to see her smiles again..