did u think i had an unbreakable heart?: April 2006

Thursday, April 27

over now

i'm so so confused.

i think i do
BUT i dun want to.

i know i'm not practising what i preach
BUT i'm really scared.

really really am.
dun wanna cry

i hate confusion

tioman better be good.
if not i'll come back in a worse shape than before.

Wednesday, April 26

just dun think.

work is piling up.
yeah we finally have work to do in office.
but why do work have to always come in a bulk?
we used to have no work.
now we have tons with a deadline.
actually technically it's not our work
cus we're just helping some small supervisor with her work.
rawh!

besides work, today was a good day as well.

Tuesday, April 25

4 yrs ahead

ok.

yesterday, i made the most impt decision ever this year. or even perhaps the next 4 yrs. cus i paid my deposit for uni. so there's no turning back. i'm definitely heading to adelaide. hmm..unless i fail my medical test. met up with liz after idp. pigged out and ate junk instead of a proper dinner. rawh. and she has a sore throat and i just recovered from one. so we aren't very good gals yesterday. fried mars ice cream. yami yogurt. old chang kee. coffee bean. we had our toes done at far east too. pampering ourselves. i've got pretty red toe nails now. haha. chilled at coffee bean for a long while..waiting for the rain to stop. talking and talking. it was good. listening to her opinions and giving her mine. good conversations. i like.

wf sent me a video she made for US (our clique). it's the sweetest thing ever. made me break into a smile in the middle of work. in the middle of office. awwww...i love US. haha. wish i could put the video here but i dunno how. damn. how ah?

"...if you keep running..the further you go..the more tired you will be and as you keep running there are more obstacles to go through..and if you dont stop and face it..it will accumulate then you cant take it anymore and you will end up breaking down.."

oh oh. i'm going diving this weekend! haha. yeahh need to get away before i'm up to no good again. i'm going to tioman!!!! and i dun care if the rest aren't free. i'm still going anyway. i hope my ipod battery lasts during the trip but haha...i know it wouldn't. *growls* how lar? who cares? 3 days of diving? woots man!!!!! woots!

yesterday was a happy day.
today is happy day.
counting the good and the bad.

Monday, April 24

strangers.

burn the floor.
omg! burn the floor yesterday was fantastic!!! captivating and the male dancers bods were HOT. yeahh nic was drooling. keke. they make dancing look so easy but i've tried those salsa stuff and it's awfully hard. i guess that's why they are world champions. (: i was happy watching them. rawh. and jealous. nic is really my companion for the arts. i've watched alegria (magical!) and stomp and burn the floor with her. wheee. next on my list to watch is west side story and grease. damn i'm a sucker for musicals and dances and such. now must find kakis to watch with.

been shopping over the weekend. so i guess material possesions helps make me happy. who cares if the happiness only last one weekend? rawh. on sat, me nic n liz went crazy over nine west. they had a sale. haha. so we bought handbags. the same ones in different COLOUR. haha. and liz bought pretty flats as well. and then we indulge in mac cus nic could get us very good discounts. make-up galore! we nvr meant to shop when we started our day. only wanted to catch a movie. oh we watched the sentinel by the way. it was good. but then maybe cus i've been deprived of movies for so long that anything would have been good. hehe. we chose the sentinel over 16 blocks cus eve longoria acted in the sentinel and yeahh..she's hot!! and i bought myslef a gorgeous bracelet from topshop too. ahh! the wonders of shopping sometimes.

on sunday, me and nic went to catch burn the floor. ok that has been elaborated. but before that we went to check out adex (asia dive expo) and wheee..it made us miss diving even more. fuck. i wanna dive but no one is free this weekend. nic is working. nicolas n likeng have damn ns. and everyone else is overseas. rawh. so since i couldn't afford to purchase any dive gear, i bought a dive tee shirt. haha. i just wanted to spend. i dunno why. maybe it's a form of running away. *shrugs* just wanna splurge. even made nic n liz ate at "expensive" places for dinner. we went to sun n moon at wheelock on sat. it was a gorgeous place. really. oh-so-pretty. and on sun, we went to cedele depot. oh well, dun worry. it'll only be for that weekend. just wanted to spend.

on another note, strangers should remain as strangers. i, honestly was trying to be good over the weekend. and i didn't go looking for drama, it came looking for me. why do ppl like interfering with my life? i dun even know u. u are a fucking stranger. stay that way. (i'll elaborate on another day when i feel like it)

AND, it still amazes me how wf can read thru me sometimes. everything makes sense from the way she puts it. she just forms words to describe my thoughts, feelings and fears that i cannot describe. i bet she does that to b and cy and em too. i'm glad i've been frens with her for years. i'm glad that she knows me so damn well. i'm glad she cares so much to tell me these stuff. i'm glad that we're always there for each other although we're miles apart. she's right. it's just up to me if i have the courage to stop and face my issues. i'm trying. really.

i wish i was wiser.

Saturday, April 22

self-control then

haha so much for locking myself in the room

come on
i'm better than that
there.
an angel already.

gonna continue to be.
really.
haven't been smoking for days (ok fine 2 days)

(ok fine. cus of the throat. it's killing me. it burnt that day i smoked)

RAWH!

Friday, April 21

escapism

i shouldn't worry too much
i just run away for the weekend
it's really that simple
and everything would be fine
once more.

hanging out with florence tmr.
i dunno wat she has planned but
i'm sure it'll be fun (:
so far i heard about
manicure
massage
shopping
drinks
good food
ahhhh. wat more can i ask for?

burn the floor on sunday
with nic
then hopefully we can visit the asia dive expo.
told ricky i would check it out
n visit him there.
hehe.

i'm going to be an angel this week.
really.

self-convincing

does self-convincing really work?
i've watched ppl doing it for so long
i've listened to how they convince themselves
yet everyone around knows otherwise
but we let them be
we just accept
we just listen
we just nod
cus really, if we were to interfere
would they really believe us?
would they really wanna know the truth?
so we just let them learn the hard way
by themselves
when they realise that they've been living a lie

so i was just wondering...
sometimes does self-convincing work?
although there's a nagging feeling inside u
knowing that u r just trying to conjure up a perfect setting
but u r satisfied in the end right?
u r happy even if it's a lie
u managed to convince all ur frens
although they remain sceptical,
they still give u their support
and hope that the lie eventually
becomes the truth.

maybe i should learn from them
start to talk and convince myself...

...but u know wat?
i dun think i can ever do that.

self-convincing is the most hypocritic thing to do.

Thursday, April 20

ouch.

my throat is being sucha pest.
it's killing me.
ouch.

i had an mc today.
yeahh i succumbed to the bloody pain
went to the docs
for those who know me
i hate doctors
not them personally
but just the sight n smell of clinics n hospitals
when i was younger,
i didn't mind them
but as i got older
i didn't like them
i think usually it's the other way round
whatever.
so yeah
u can imagine how painful it is
til i went to the doctors.

and the evil doctor gave me four
yeah FOUR
different kind of medicine
yucks
and for those who know me,
i hate taking medicine as well
but as u all know,
it was so painful
that i took all my medicine
like a good gal.
yeahh like an angel
hehe.

Wednesday, April 19

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arghh. i think i'm falling sick.
there's too much bad in me.

i'm not thinking.

i really dunno wat to tell u
i'm just afraid of ur reaction
please dun judge me
it's annoying how i only tell partial truths
and that look in ur eyes
that gaze
i just stop short
i dun wanna disappoint u

char's magic bus
i wish it existed too
whisk me away

and that's the reason why
i need to leave
it may not be a want
just need a fresh start
sometimes when a place has too many
memories
regrets
pain
u just wanna get away

i mean there has to be something beautiful out there
right?

Tuesday, April 18

einstein

something totally random

albert einstein died on this day.

taking away the pain

i'm glad we finally sorted things out.
talked it thru.
know where i stand
know where u stand
regret?
no point for it.
pretence is sth i learnt to embrace a long time ago
masking feelings
the hurt
the pain
ignoring the truth
denial.

i hope our lie will always remain a lie

Monday, April 17

rawh.

i feel bad.
why?
cus i risk hurting a fren.
a damn fucking close fren.
and the fear n worry is just overwhelming

touched

i really am touched.
thanks for being there that night
thanks for listening
thanks for sharing
thank for being u

i love u charr (:

Sunday, April 16

saints n sailors

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better,
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.
Wandering this house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do.
So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.

et is dumb
et doesn't think
et feels stoopid

why am i not using 'i'?
cus i refuse to admit it.

Thursday, April 13

lies.

We only see what we wanna see and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth.

We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth...right in front of our faces.

We can only lie to ourselves for so long.

We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth.

Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial ... and face the world head on

fine lines

At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made.

So you can waste your life drawing lines.

Or you can live your life crossing them.

But there are some lines...

...that are way too dangerous to cross.

Here's what I know. If you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular.

Wednesday, April 12

bring the pain

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope that the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed. But sometimes the pain gets to you when you least expect it. It's way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain. You just have to fight through because the truth is you can't out run it. And life always make more.

- grey's anatomy

carousel chick

saying and actually doing is 2 totally different things
sometimes i should really practice what i preach
say wat i mean
do wat i say
sigh

Tuesday, April 11

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pandora rocks (: haha. ok i'm in love with pandora..no! pandora's not a gal. i'm still pretty straight. haha
check out my fav songs in the sidebar. below my links. whee.

our pact

ok i'm blogging this down as proof/evidence of me n b's pact. we're gonna travel to us next year during my uni break. yeahh although i wanna go to europe, she's already been there n done that. so i'll settle for the us. (: she better start working her ass off when she gets back to kl n save up for the trip. haha.

pandora rocks!

www.pandora.com

totally rocks!! must go check it out!! u just type in ur fav song or band then they'll play music similiar to that in a continuous loop!!! discover new songs n bands that u'll love!! woots!

Monday, April 10

yesterday's feelings

it's so cute how b got angry for me. yeah for me. on my behalf. but hey, it's not as if i had feelings for him. use and abuse. it's wat she preached. i guess it's a way of protecting urself. so chill. i'm perfectly fine. haha. it's nice how she showed she cared in that way. i guess that's b. y we all love her so. i wish i was in europe with her too. vaffanculo puttana! she better be bringing home a good souvenir for me. i forgot to mention that friday dinner was a good one. i'm glad i found a fren in hanting. really. for being rational yet respecting my views. although both of us are different in soo many ways, i'm glad he listens. just that i wish sometimes i wasn't so stubborn n stupid and actually LISTENED to ppl's advice. i need to clear my head now.

listening to my ipod during work cus charr left office early. yeahh. well. cirque du soleil's alegria is playing now. just reminded me of how magical it was to watch alegria n quidam. really really good. at least during those 2 hours or so, u sorta get transported into their fantasy world. haha. away from this maddening crowd here. i dun understand how ppl can go about their daily lives in it's monotony. i just started this whole working environment thing n it's already fucking annoying me. i hope i'm nvr nvr ever gonna be desk-bound again. yeahh..i hate this routine. i hate how superficial some conversations have become. i hate faking the laughter n sounding interested. i hate how ur problems are always the same and how it's a fuss over nothing.

this place is my intoxication.
pick the scabs and the bleeding.
watch the fire
fill ur lungs with smoke for the last time
it was all in vain

i just am building walls

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops
Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now

Sunday, April 9

of ipod n ciggs

ok. i'm not defering uni. i'm going over in july. decided last night while drinking at bq. wat a place to make life-changing decisions huh? cus it's too complicated. too many probs to sort out. and well, life now is already complicated and it'll be hell if i attempted to go off like that. yeah, i'm glad cy came down with jinwei, charles n amanda. fun bunch. made my fucked up weekend better. i brought cy to bq bar and intro her to my colleagues. i'm glad they all got along. haha i shared a bottle with din (damn cheap cus staff price). so all the floor staff drank with us as well. i miss bq (i know this is the thousandth time i said this..but i really do). then we went to mos. must show cy rite? it was fun!! we're so into trance/house at the moment. anw smoove was too packed. the baggage counter lady refused to let us get out ciggs...so smart us went around asking random strangers for ciggs. haha. how easy.

anw my weekend was pretty screwed up besides with cy part. yeahh..life's just gotta be so fucked up sometimes yah? it's scary sometimes to think about the direction i'm heading. i really wish things were different. everywhere i turn i get reminded. i try not to think n associate but sometimes i can't help it. i had this strong urge just now to block out everything n everyone n their superficialities. i really dun need it. i'm perfectly contented with my ciggs and my ipod. (so screw me for fagging..u dunno wat it's like right now)

wat bloody fucktards.

Thursday, April 6

how much is courage?

where do u purchase courage?
and how much is it?

isn't it sad when u dream of great things yet u struggle to find the courage to do it?
ok i've been thinking.
i feel like taking a year off. maybe start uni in feb '07 instead. (jo will kill me though)
i just feel like wandering off.
to anywhere.
travel to europe, asia, africa.
just u know for 6 months or so.
no detailed plans needed.
go when and where i feel like.
it's as though i need a journey to find myself.
maybe.
but then again, of course there are obstacles
relatives worrying
about me wasting MY money.
i can so predict it.
about my safety..
but really, do i care if i die?
there are risks in everything
at least i'm doing sth that i want
then there is me worrying
about getting robbed
about getting lonely
in a foreign land
but, it's self-discovery
and making new frens (eddie thinks i can)

life's so fucked-up
i hate judgments
and disapprovals

sometimes i like the day as well

i am really glad that u've found ur place
ur niche in this maddening world
i'm glad u figured out wat u r good at
wat u can do
ur qualities that make me n the rest of the world love u so
but i am sad as well
that we're drifting away
or so i think
drifting with our lives
will i still be a part of ur new life?
will the past still matter?
or sooner will we just let go of what we had?
maybe somewhere out there is a better place
and our familiar environment
is just a closed locked up cage
where we are all deluded
and innocent.

i'm just afraid of letting go
but sometimes it's the best
cus i want u to have the time of ur life as well
i am glad u are right now
wherever u may be.

Wednesday, April 5

i like the darkness

on monday, i wanted to drink. yeahh..just felt like it. so i dragged nic, liz n ser (yup managed to persuade everyone for ONCE) to acid bar..in mind that ngak (the cutey singer) would be playing there. horror of horrors, he already stop playing at acid and moved on to hrc. yeahh, i actually asked the waitress (: so after 3 drinks (so eff-ing ex) we hop onto a cab to hrc. ok fine, actually it was me nic ser at acid and we met liz at hrc later cus she had dance earlier n couldn't make it to acid bar on time. and omfg!!!! while waiting for liz outside hrc, guess who me n nic spotted?!!? jon johnson or was it jon jonnson? hmm...dun care!! he's really gorgeous..just that there was blonde hanging by his arm..sheesh! BUT HE'S STILL SO SO CUTE!! (: whee, that made the trip to hrc worth it cus that stupid ngak wasn't playing on that particular mon night. and the guy who replaced him that day wasn't oh-so-great! *shrugs. wasted all our money on drinks!!!! actually this is terrible..the moment i have a lil money to spare, i wanna spend it on drinks. with my frens. maybe things hasn't been that great or awesome afterall. maybe happiness is always just momentary.

my happiness always has a cap to it
like this certain level it can reach
but that level isn't the maximum
it's as if maximum is unattainable
cus sth or rather some ppl
are always missing
and then again, will always be.
it's different.
but i still appreciate the lil moments of happiness
whatever it may be
whatever that gives u the HIGH for that instant
after awhile
u dun really give a fuck
u question the 'morality' shit
that we've been brought up to adhere to
that we've been taught to follow
the conscience.
the guilt.

sometimes i'd like to walk back home
in the dark
to think
with my emo ipod blasting
alone
just sometimes

Monday, April 3

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i miss them so much.
all those hopeful dreams.
all turn out to be living nightmares
when i'm awake.
the broken promises.
the unfulfilled wishes.
the thoughts unspoken.
how different situations would be.
how different i would turn out.
how different my perception
of life
of ppl
of the world.
i keep waiting
but i guess nothing ever changes
cus it fucking can't, can it?

Sunday, April 2

april's fools yest.

hmm..it was april's fools yesterday n surprisingly for the first time, no one played jokes on me. hmm, and i nvr played any on anyone as well. weird. maybe cus i only rmbed it was april's fools yest today. yupz. haha.

me n liz crashed over nic's place on fri night. yeahh. we just chilled n hung out. watched tv together. they got annoyed with my singing. but nic was influenced by me..she likes tiesto now!! whee! (: it's been awhile since we crashed houses to chill...(after clubbing is not counted!!!)

i went to swim at charr's place today. we baked brownies too! it was damn good lar. *grins. but it isn't from scratch though but no one has to know...oops! but i blogged it down..so now everyone who reads will know. who cares?

all these needs
just so
i can build my walls
again.
it's working though baby

Friday, April 28

Thursday, April 27

Wednesday, April 26

Tuesday, April 25

Monday, April 24

Saturday, April 22

Friday, April 21

Thursday, April 20

Wednesday, April 19

Tuesday, April 18

Monday, April 17

Sunday, April 16

Thursday, April 13

Wednesday, April 12

Tuesday, April 11

Monday, April 10

Sunday, April 9

Thursday, April 6

Wednesday, April 5

Monday, April 3

Sunday, April 2

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