one down and many many more to go.

so the time has come again where ppl will ask cheerfully..'wat do u want for ur bday?'. and i'll just be like..erm..erm..and think really hard wat i want and probably come up with something dumb like.. a car! yeah..i know..*rolls eyes* but i really dun need anything..i mean i do want certain 'materialistic stuff' but when i think a bout it..i dun really HAVE to have it..i suppose that's why i'm not an impulsive shopper. and then when i go back and am alone in the room then i'll think about the question again..and the last 2 years has been the same things..

my 'wishlist':
1. i wish i had a home to return to
2. i wish we didn't move from the big house
3. i wish i knew how many bfs my mom had
4. i wish i knew how many gfs my dad had
5. i wish i knew how they met
6. i wish i knew who their best friends were and how they were like
7. i wish i could eat my mom's home-cooked food again
8. i wish i could let my dad make all the impt decisions for me again
9. i wish i could smell my mom's perfume again when she kissed me in the morning before going to work
10. i wish i could call my dad to tell him i missed him again
11. i wish i could spend one more xmas with them
12. i wish i could spend one more bday with them
13. i wish i went on more holidays with them
14. i wish i could hug them one last time
15. i wish death was like going to jail or migrating to a different country where you could visit or call whenever
16. i wish things weren't so difficult
17. i wish things weren't so painful
18. i wish i wasn't born into a place where everyone's life is almost-perfect
19. i wish dreams came true and nightmares didn't
20. i wish i could let go.

maybe cy's and em's visit wasn't a bad timing after all. maybe i needed the break on wed thur and fri. maybe drinking and dancing the night away helps forget. maybe meeting new ppl helps too. maybe.
maybe i shall stop talking bout unhappy stuff and ruin other ppl's day. i shall only blog happy stuff from now.
so..i'm glad cy and em came. glad to meet em's imu frens. zouk was fucking crowded on wed but cy spotted a few eye-candies and that made things better. acid bar and alley bar on thurs was great cus the live singer was good and he sang all the songs we loved plus he was kinda cute. hah. then fri was boring...cus clarke quay is boring..but brewerks beer was nice..finally found a beer that i liked! so yay! doesn't things sound much happier now?
wtv.




one down and many many more to go.

scuba pics

whee..finally managed to consolidate MOST of the diving trip pics! here's the link.
http://etzdiving.shutterfly.com
go look ok?!?!

quidam

Quidam: a nameless passer-by, a solitary figure lingering on a street corner, a person rushing past. It could be anyone, anybody. Someone coming, going, living in our anonymous society. A member of the crowd, one of the silent majority. The one who cries out, sings and dreams within us all.

i wanna go watch cirdue du soleil's quidam!!!! who wants to go with me? the allegria experience in sec3 was amazing..worth every cent i paid! it's really good and leaves me with a magical and fantasy feeling. haha. c'mon! let's go watch quidam!

anyway, i was finally done with the bloody personal statement yesterday. gosh! i nvr wanna type another one again. it's so selling myself man. and i have this feeling my predicted grades won't even get me considered for any uk unis. plus..i tot i decided no US but so many ppl are trying to convince me to try. hmm..my cousin wants me to go cornell cus he's there now and us has so much more opportunities etc. etc. maybe i'm just scared i'll screw the sats up. see how lar..stil have one week to decide...help me think!

i miss my childhood. i was trying to mug in sch library just now and it was raining and the whole setting made me think about the past. i rmb my house. i loved it. it was so spacious and roomy. it had light filtering in from the huge glass door on the 2nd floor that led to a big unused balcony. i rmb there was an old phone on the stairs as well..those that had the turning dials instead of buttons? yupz..so old school! but it feels so nostalgic and precious now..wonder where is the phone now? thrown away? haihz. i miss being so carefree and happy. the difference when i was 9 and 19. 10 years and everything is in a mess. i may be happy; laughing, joking, enjoying life now but i'm not truly happy cus something is always missing.

hmm..breathe [2am]

2 AM and she calls me cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

oops. again

i think i've been insensitive to a few ppl recently. so so sorry.

hello sunshine

in a famous buddhist story, a young woman wanders the streets of a town with her dead infant in her arms, asking everyone she meets to bring him back to life. someone directs her to the buddha, who listens patiently and then promises to help if she brings him a mustard seed from a household that has never witnessed a death. the young woman knocks on many doors. by the time she returns empty-handed to the buddha, she has begun to grasp his lesson: all things in the world are impermanent, and to be ignorant of this fact is to be trapped in an endless cycle of craving, frustration and suffering.

hello sunshine
welcome to my life

*was at jer&jem's 21st bday party last night. whoah. so many ppl lar. felt bad for making xw feel bad and the fact that he was trying to entertain me and he had to drive me there and back. oops. really sorry for troubling him and all.

reunion

FINALLY met up with liz ser and nic last wed! seldom do all four of us meet up together. really missing those sc days together. we went shopping at bugis..the new place. stuff are really quite cheap and pretty at the same time. liz shopped alot as usual. gotta lend her money again. haha..we realised we really need to get down to mugging. prelims are in 4 weeks and me and liz are not started yet. this is gonna be bad. worse than blocks. oh man! had a good chat with liz after nic and ser left...we needed to rest our pretty asses after all the shopping so sat down at the food court and talked n talked. both us can't wait for alevels to be over. should i take the sats? everyone's been encouraging me to. liz says if i dun, it closes one option completely. which is true, i can nvr apply to us then. haven't really thought about it and oct is the last paper i can sit for, i doubt there's enough time left. hmm.. i dunno where i wanna go. just really difficult to make decisions on ur own sometimes..i wish someone could just tell me wat to do but i guess i'm on my own. i've to make my own choices.

random thoughts

met jeremy today. he was in town. whoah..it's been a year since i last met him. funny how we used to see each other in church almost every week when we were younger yet we weren't close frens but as we grew older, we happen to share the same grp of frens at some point and now that he only comes back to visit once a year, we seem to talk more. strange huh? when we have all the time in the world with someone we dun really make full use of it and then when we have limited time, we seem to have more to share. oh well, we've all grown so much. the stuff we talk about now is more mature. about life, universities, old frens, relationships etc. both of us sorta agreed that being in a relationship is exasperating at times, emotionally straining and demanding.
why do ppl say things they dun mean anyway? why make empty promises in the first place? i admit i'm guilty of it too sometimes. i just wish somehow u can feel the hurt i felt.

everyone is moving on.
i should stop holding on to the past.
stop desperately trying to cling on to the frays of what's left of the rope from my memories.
move on.
dun hang on any longer.
i've to let go.
no more wishing about what ifs.
mo more dreaming of a perfect world.
i think it's time to stand up to the real world.
face the losses.
accept the facts.
realise the flaws.
be brave and nvr look back over my shoulder again just to get a glimpse of what could have been.

SCUBA

the diving trip was AWESOME! damn fun lar...omg. i dun wanna be back. the sand was white!! the waters were damn clear..we could see the corals and fishes from the resort itself. i spotted a hermit crab, turtle, lobster, angel fishes, lion fishes, sea slugs, snout fishes, nemos (clown fishes) and many many others that i dun even know their names. it was pretty pretty pretty. corals were aplenty! felt like i was swimming in a giant aquarium! took many many pics as well. (:
when can i go diving again? i'm already missing the beautiful island and all the fun ppl i met! made many new frens. yay! gosh. et is happy.

pretty excited..i mean very!!!

omg! i'm leaving tmr..i mean tonight!!! whee...so exciting. made alot of new frens and they're really nice ppl..(: can't wait to see wat's the other side of the world like..underwater..the marine life..the corals..the clear blue ocean!!! get away from my life for awhile. just be "free".
bought my first insurance on my own. haha travel insurance tt is. my fren asked me to buy and i guess she gets some commission but doesn't matter lar..better be safe than sorry. anw it only costs me $27 and if anything bad happens, the money will be worth it. hehe.