been thinking. too much as usual.

alot of stuff got me thinking since the last time i logged in ere. got a few diff thoughts about life and things that have been happening recently in my life.

i should find neverland. realised that i dun wanna grow old. i look at old people in the bus or mrt or walking in the streets. i see how they seem to be suffering with every step as if their whole body ached. even healthy elderly folks would eventually be striken with some disease or illness and suffer alone or make their children "suffer" with them. all of these seem so troubling for me and i nvr wanna get to the stage where i've to depend on others to move about etc. even so i think 60 is the max age i would wanna live too. y live so long when i'm just gonna grow weaker and most likely be bored cus i won't be able to do many things?

going to uni. i wanna go to a uni not cus i wanna earn lotsa money next time but cus i just wanna experience life in a diff country and culture. maybe that's y i'm so hard up on not staying ere. to me, getting a high paying job is not a priority anymore...just wanna pursue something that interests me. sometimes i just wanna drop everything that i've known and fly away to some foreign place and try to start anew. just wanna go to a place where no one knows my past. start fresh. but it takes courage. do i have any? am i really willing to leave all my past behind? my frens? the life i've always known? i would still keep in touch with old frens but live in a diff place and see how life is from a different perspective. i've always been the one leaving anyway. i'm always doing the things that are not same as my frens. i left everyone in kl for s'pore. i chose vj when the rest chose hc. and i guess i gotta taste diff aspects of life than my good old close frens. does that make our bond stronger? perhaps. maybe distance really makes the heart grow fonder.

i've said i wanna do things that i truly want and that makes me happy. sometimes i wonder if i really believe that and ignore society's pressure and judgement of me or am i actually trying to escape from the reality and difficulties in life. i really dunno.

ppl say that one will always have soundtracks of their lives. for me i've a few songs that will always remind me of certain events in life so far.
leaving on a jet plane- always will be reminded of leaving kl for s'pore. that song was in my mind everytime i missed home. guess it was in my head too when i was on my way ere..after saying last goodbyes. will rmb the indon guy playing the guitar and singing this song for me at cjch benches overlooking the city lights and beneath the starry nights.
many the corrs songs- packing my room in kl to move ere. and dc interact camp in f3 which is our first camp together (kl frens)..we were lazing in our shared room and i was lying down singing the corrs songs at the top of my lungs with music blaring from b's speakers..was totally letting myself go and spilling the beans on my crush at that time. i was "high" and totally myself at the same time.
hope- at night by b's balcony..singing again. felt really relaxed and as if the whole world stop moving and we had all the time in the world to just be ourselves and there was no need to hop back into the hustle and bustle of life and society's expectations.


listening hard..straining my ears..for a sign, any sign........................found none.
wat am i doing? why am i?

scuba.scuba.scuba.

i'm sooo excited. scuba diving looks real fun even if all i've done is the theory sessions!! can't wait for the open water dives (: tried on the flippers today. hahaa so fun..felt like a duck with the flippers on. haha..webbed feet.

aiyaa i can't seem to get any recent pics for my blog..grrr...guess got to make do with the few i have. cy!!! if u r reading this, u nvr send me the photos!! the multiply dun have lor..grrr. i want those pics on ur peugeot cabriolet!! haha. i want those pics at bee's place...bee!!! send them to me!! those we took b4 going to nouvo, rmb?

liz!! send me those pics on ur com. u stalker! got so many pics of the stick-sisters hidden in ur files! tsk tsk. haha

i want my pics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lost

whoah. i woke up this morning at 7am. as if my body still thinks i have trainings to attend. my sat body alarm has to get used to sleeping in now. so i force myself back to sleep til 9am. felt so lost...didn't know how to spend my morning. gosh! nvr expected to feel this way after trainings ended. so free!!!! didn't wanna mug. didn't wanna go char's house to mug with her and carol. so i ended up out with teik zhen and ngee zheng. ate carl's jr for dinner at marina sq. quite good. the burger is larger in proportion compared to other fast food joints but more ex too. it tastes much nicer so it's ok to pay the extra price for it. marina sq is really quite pretty after all the renovation. so many restaurants!!!! how exciting! haha. anw, we went to esplanade after that and saw the fireworks for ndp rehearsal. ok lar. quite nice i guess. then caught some singing performance outside by this chiobu. her voice is kinda common...alot of local singers sound like tt. decided to indulge at the chocolate bar there. it was like whoah! we ordered some strawberry white choc float mocktail, toffee cream dark choc mocktail and belgium waffles with chocolate ganache, fruit salad and vanilla ice-cream! yummy..sinful ok? gosh..we were so full after tt. so bloated! the choc was super thick. the place was a little pricey though. oh well...indulgence once in awhile?
oh man! i've been pigging out since i stopped training! this is bad..i'm gonna grow damn fat! right after finals, me char carol rah lynn mag ed chun keith ala n likeng went to eat suki buffet!!! we ate so much! then today i pigged out again!!!! arghh. have to run already!

for ppl.

went for scgs charity dance concert yesterday night with serene at kallang theatre. felt like ages since i last met her. hahaa..missing the stick-sisters like mad. hopefully can meet up with them after the finals tmr. btw...vj kayak improved from last yr. we have 3 finalists. (: proud of everyone in the team! anw, scgs dance was great..as usual! their 'gold with honours' syf piece was beautiful. i was really breathless throughout that opening dance. i really enjoyed the whole performance.



to person i:
who gives u the right to decide wat i should do? it's my life. dun force me into things i dun wanna do. i dun care about getting all A's. i am satisfied with C's ok? i mean after all the shit i've been through, i think i should be, if anyone, allowed to do wat i like and wat makes me happy rite? c'mon, life is short...i, of all ppl, should know that.

to person ii:
why tell me things that u dun mean? this is like deja vu. do u realise? u accuse me of doing certain things but,think about it now..u are the one doing those things. stop blaming me. look at ur own fault first. i'm exasperated with how things have to turn out every time.

to person iii:
stop pretending! admit it. wake up! open ur eyes and see what u have done. what have u gotten urself into? i dunno anymore.



i get jealous everytime i see ppl i know living my dreams. the life which should have been mine too. the journey that has been planned and set up for me long ago. what i always wanted. it really could have been mine. until it was snatched cruelly away. just suddenly gone. it was how my life should have been. i want it so badly.

so laugh!

nationals in 6days. haha. it's gonna be a joke on me yah? i really dunno wat i'm doing man. i asked and tell ppl the same thing every training and wat did i expect ppl to say? smile..laugh..give me a pat on the shoulder.. that's about it. everyone thinks i'm a fool for doing wat i am doing. i'll either cap or come in 200m behind the 3rd gal. so much for competition. the other gals must be darn glad to be in the same heats as i am. cus they confirm will get into semis. wtf. gonna embarass myself. but u know wat!?!?!?! i should stop giving a fuck about wat other ppl think. not gonna give a damn if other bloody coaches from other schools laugh at me. or if other canoeists points finger at me and whisper to her frens. or if my own teammates dun really give a fuck if i cap. cus i, myself know that this whole thing is utter crap. i know i'm gonna lose. u dun have to tell or show me that ok? but too bad, i'm not gonna fucking give up now either cus it's only 6 days left. if i cap or if i come in last + some 200m away, so be it! at least i tried. i'm not gonna take the easy way out and quit although it's the easier option and the one that can save my pride or wtv. i'll just learn things the hard way. just like i've been doing the whole of my life. so go ahead and laugh at me! i dun give a fuck anymore...i'll laugh with u. cus...ppl won't recognise me after this. i'm leaving this place anyway.

let it go

nationals is in one and a half weeks. so far results for blocks are not good at all. oops! too much play and no work? oh well. went to indochine with carol and geri and baoru last fri. met edwin and ben there. edwin opened bottle so yay!! free drinks for everyone! haha. anyway shouldn't club anymore b4 nationals or prelims. i dun wanna fail everything!!! boo.

why does the past keep creeping up to me?
let it go.
why dun you live ur by the day?
dun dwell on what had happened.
why do u keep intruding my space?
stop messing with my business.

i'm pissed+ frustrated. i just wanna throw everything down and leave. shut all doors.

fuck the bitching.

in kl right now.
things are different.
just like everytime i come back.
oh wateva. really.
didn't go clubbing.
pretty surprised at myself actually.
supposed to go zouk with cy on thurs night.
but i didn't wanna hang out with her coll frens.
i hate making new frens. hah.
i mean i know her frens are nice and all..i think.
but too lazy to make the effort to. really.
just tried shisha yest. it sux.
been fagging out at starbucks and the balcony too much.
since i'm in nationals..wtf. totally unexpected.
how? my stamina is all gone.
i rmb the last time i fagged.
i couldn't bloody complete my 4.8km run.
how the hell am i gonna train when i go back?!?!
i tot i was NOT in nationals.
ahhh...too late.
already fagged.
already lost the stamina.
already IN nationals.

I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new