had a chat with a good fren today at school and we were just talking about wat we wanted to be in the future..our dreams and all...and it felt good to think that i still had the same dreams as 4yrs ago. haha.
"i guess in a way we are unhappy where we are right now.... yet we are afraid of the future and what lies ahead... that's why we don't want to leave jc..neither do we want to remain in jc"
"life is boring. ppl say that these years are supposed to be the best in ur life but it doesn't feel like it. does that mean that working life would be worse?"
"it's good to have dreams"
"life is a routine. really. work life would be as well unless we choose a profession that we really love and enjoy."
Thursday, March 31
Tuesday, March 29
it's you and me
one week. just one week and the whole kayak team has changed so much. all the politics have been driving me up the wall. i dun think i'm the only one who's frustrated. amazingly, it's the guys team that has been causing the trouble. pairs splitting up. friendsips broken. it's really taxing on the whole team as we are not as bonded as b4 and the team spririt is diminishing. it's really sad. all these shouldn't be happening. it was just over a week ago that we were crashing over daniel's and sarah's place. watching horror movies, cooking together, playing monopoly, talking cock etc. just bonding and havin tons of fun TOGETHER. now, some are drifting apart or having cold wars. even those not involved are affected. sometimes i think the team is screwed up. some ppl are selfish, really. others seem to adopt a 'heck-care' attitude.
all the pride, ego and stubbornness. i wish they would see the bigger picture sometimes and don't let their emotions clooud their judgement. i really wanna try to make things better but i'm afraid i'll make things worse or some might say i'm interfering other ppl's business and shouldn't butt in. BUT it is affecting me the way everyone is behaving.
ok. i haven't talked about my splitting up with sarah since...well..it came as a shock as first and it took a while for it to sink in and all. i WAS disappointed as we already worked months with k2 and she was just gonna give up like that. plus teo told me we were his "hope" for the gals pair. and it seem inappropriate to be giving up. i supposed i should have guessed she wanted to do t1 since she has been going early to kallang to practice t1 b4 doing k2 with me. and she was tired out after t1 so our k2 practices were cut short. but the fact that she didn't talk to me about it or even attempt to discuss splitting b4 telling teo was just too much. i mean it is sorta like basic courtesy according to another teammate. but oh well, it's alright and this shouldn't be made into a big fuss and create more probs for the team. t1 is manageable..at least there is no more capping but direction sux and the boat is much heavier. no worries. things will be fine or already are.
all the pride, ego and stubbornness. i wish they would see the bigger picture sometimes and don't let their emotions clooud their judgement. i really wanna try to make things better but i'm afraid i'll make things worse or some might say i'm interfering other ppl's business and shouldn't butt in. BUT it is affecting me the way everyone is behaving.
ok. i haven't talked about my splitting up with sarah since...well..it came as a shock as first and it took a while for it to sink in and all. i WAS disappointed as we already worked months with k2 and she was just gonna give up like that. plus teo told me we were his "hope" for the gals pair. and it seem inappropriate to be giving up. i supposed i should have guessed she wanted to do t1 since she has been going early to kallang to practice t1 b4 doing k2 with me. and she was tired out after t1 so our k2 practices were cut short. but the fact that she didn't talk to me about it or even attempt to discuss splitting b4 telling teo was just too much. i mean it is sorta like basic courtesy according to another teammate. but oh well, it's alright and this shouldn't be made into a big fuss and create more probs for the team. t1 is manageable..at least there is no more capping but direction sux and the boat is much heavier. no worries. things will be fine or already are.
Monday, March 21
allergy!
today's the first day of school after march hols. it's 1015am but i'm still in my room typing this. yesterday i woke up with a minor flu but i still went down to kallang to support the races! (: had ban-mian at siglap cus the hostel ppl were trying to either starve me or kill me..they served raw,UNCOOKED prawns and brinjals (eew!) for dinner lar...hello? they think prawns like salmon ah? can give raw wan..wat's more their prawns not fresh in the first place can? hmmph. anyway i came back and wrote a super long letter to jean (i shall elaborate on that later) and decided that my flu became worse so i'll not go to sch today (: and the reason y i think i fell ill is because i'm allergic to sch..i'm fully convinced that i am. really. u see..there was once last month on a monday i fell really really ill in sch and had to go back. isn't obvious? today's a monday as well! i'm allergic to school and have all the signs of monday blues. which perfectly explains why every monday i am so lethargic AND sleepy AND i have the reason to pon all my lects (: this is getting quite bad. i will stop crapping.
anyway about jean's letter, i decided to tell her all about what i've been thinking about my 'future'.
u see..i dun THINK i wanna go to uni after my alevels. first of all, i haven't the faintest idea what i wanna major in. all i know is no science (why the fuck am i in science stream then?), no medicine and definitely no teaching! sometimes i wish i have a particularly strong interest in something..but i dun! secondly, i realised that wateva shit they are teaching me in sch/coll/uni doesn't really apply in the work place unless of cuz if i'm taking med or law. every company is diff and i've to learn the ropes from square one when i start working! all they want is to see a freaking degree b4 they employ u rite? so i won't get hired if i've got no degree?!?! it's an evil ploy by the real world for us to suffer and toil in hopes of getting "educated" and landing a great job. but in actual fact..ur "education" does not prepare u for the job at all!!!!! tsk..tsk.
last but not least, the cost of a uni education is soooooooo damn expensive! i can't study in m'sia cus i dun have stpm and i dun wish to study in s'pore anymore (i've spent 4 loong yrs ere liao) so the next cheapest reputable place is aust? (i'm not sure) and the average cost of a 4yr degree there is around S$300,000 including accomodation, food etc etc etc. SO it's kinda ridiculous cus if i were to loan money for my education from a bank..it'll take me forever to repay it rite? i mean...let's say i earn S$3,000 and i give S$1,000 every month to repay for my uni fees...it'll take me 25 yrs????? hmmm....i rather not waste the money and forget bout a degree! but then again..i'm just assuming this is how the loaning system works lar...*shrugs*
anyway about jean's letter, i decided to tell her all about what i've been thinking about my 'future'.
u see..i dun THINK i wanna go to uni after my alevels. first of all, i haven't the faintest idea what i wanna major in. all i know is no science (why the fuck am i in science stream then?), no medicine and definitely no teaching! sometimes i wish i have a particularly strong interest in something..but i dun! secondly, i realised that wateva shit they are teaching me in sch/coll/uni doesn't really apply in the work place unless of cuz if i'm taking med or law. every company is diff and i've to learn the ropes from square one when i start working! all they want is to see a freaking degree b4 they employ u rite? so i won't get hired if i've got no degree?!?! it's an evil ploy by the real world for us to suffer and toil in hopes of getting "educated" and landing a great job. but in actual fact..ur "education" does not prepare u for the job at all!!!!! tsk..tsk.
last but not least, the cost of a uni education is soooooooo damn expensive! i can't study in m'sia cus i dun have stpm and i dun wish to study in s'pore anymore (i've spent 4 loong yrs ere liao) so the next cheapest reputable place is aust? (i'm not sure) and the average cost of a 4yr degree there is around S$300,000 including accomodation, food etc etc etc. SO it's kinda ridiculous cus if i were to loan money for my education from a bank..it'll take me forever to repay it rite? i mean...let's say i earn S$3,000 and i give S$1,000 every month to repay for my uni fees...it'll take me 25 yrs????? hmmm....i rather not waste the money and forget bout a degree! but then again..i'm just assuming this is how the loaning system works lar...*shrugs*
Sunday, March 20
break down
snippets from 'just a ride' by jem:
Break down. Dun u break down. Listen to me. Cus it's just a ride. Just a ride. Dun be scared. Sometimes u're up. Sometimes u're down. No need to run. No need to hide. It'll take u all around. Now dry ur eyes. Dun forget enjoy the ride. Truth u dun wanna hear it. it's too much to take. No need to feel out of control. So we make our plans 10 times a day. and when it doesn't go our way. We break down. Yeah we broke down. Slowly accept that there's no getting up. Just gotta go with it. cus this ride is nvr gonna stop. No need to breakdown at all.
Break down. Dun u break down. Listen to me. Cus it's just a ride. Just a ride. Dun be scared. Sometimes u're up. Sometimes u're down. No need to run. No need to hide. It'll take u all around. Now dry ur eyes. Dun forget enjoy the ride. Truth u dun wanna hear it. it's too much to take. No need to feel out of control. So we make our plans 10 times a day. and when it doesn't go our way. We break down. Yeah we broke down. Slowly accept that there's no getting up. Just gotta go with it. cus this ride is nvr gonna stop. No need to breakdown at all.
Saturday, March 19
emotional impact
a thin line between success and failure. hopes and dreams are roughly shoved down the drain in a matter of minutes. All I saw this past week were the faces of disappointment and the occasional victory smiles on some. Despite it all...I always saw the shadow of fear or doubt or nervousness. Even ppl that I look up to and know in my heart that they are the best..i saw 'worry' sketched on their faces. Ppl that I was proud of no matter they came in first or last. the sheer thought of succumbing ourselves to all these mental exhaustions and pressure...hundreds of us..those that have trodden on this path and those yet to come..is this the human spirit? Being able to strive for a goal and pick up the pieces when our dreams are cruelly shattered?!? Months of hard work and sacrifices, only to be judged within 5mins whether u deserve to win. I think all of us deserve some credit or a pat on the back because we tried our best. We had our ups and downs..plenty of obstacles in our way that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder y we bother working so hard when somewhere in the corner of our hearts and minds we know we are not on par with the others. We may nvr reach their standard during our time. Why? I am not sure for the others but I do know on my part..i do it cus I love what I am doing..i love the people especially..I am doing this for them...to support them..to be there..to be part of them and their lives. We may not be the best of pals or the closest of frens...but we share a lot and it's just wonderful having all of u being part of my life. I'm bursting with joy that we have gotten closer over this march hols and our friendships are blossoming!
Friday, March 18
l.i.f.e.
Life is tough. It really doesn't have any feelings. It throws things at you without compassion. It sets terrible obstacles for u. It forces u to make hard decisions and choices. In the end, it makes u wonder if all these are worth living for. And I wonder....
Wednesday, March 16
nvr.
It's sweet and a little comforting when I hear frens' grandmas cooking dinner for their family and how everyone eats together at home. Together. Home. And I feel a twinge of jealousy in me. Cus I know I'll nvr have this kinda setting in my remaining life. impossible is an understatement in this case. I wonder if these ppl appreciate what they have now. I would give anything to have a family again. Anything and everything. I regret taking things for granted and not appreciating what I HAD. But it's too late for regrets isn't it? always too late. Nvr realising the extent of the consequences until they happen. Nvr appreciating something until they are gone. Nvr learning my lessons. Nvr learning from my mistakes.
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