it's been a long time.

i know i haven't blogged in ages. does anyone actually read this page anyway? haha. oh well. there is really not much celebration for cny this year. cus my grandma passed away last sun. i'm alrite i'm ok i'm fine. i mean i hafta be rite? how can i have not gotten used to losses? and funerals? if anyone needs to organise a funeral..u can ask me!!! i'm practically experienced! does it matter anyway?

of course, i feel the loss. the sadness of nvr ever reliving the past. i still can rmb my grandma's place in penang. it was damn huge. there was a backyard with papaya trees and coconut trees. it was so big that i've nvr been to the end of that backyard. i was scared (when i was younger) cus the grass was so overgrown and there were tons of mosquitos! there was like 5rooms but only one bathroom n one toilet. it's those kind of olden places which u can't really find anymore. very peranakan-ish. when i was younger, i didn't exactly like that place cus it meant lots of mosquito bites, no hot water to shower in and utter boredom cus i had no toys there. of course i miss it now since i haven't been there since i was 10!!!! as i think back, there are only happy memories there. i dun recall anything bad happening. i rmb the bright sunny rays shining through the open windows(it was wooden). the old couch by the window which looks out to the super friendly neighbour with the pretty grand-daughter who used to play with me (she was much much older than me). the small tv which only can transmit limited tv channels. the dog that ate all our leftovers and bones. the many many doors which can enter into the house. the thundering sound which can be heard when i run along the 2nd floor cus it was made of wood? the smell of mosquito coil and 'shelltox' before getting into bed cus mosquitos were aplenty esp at night. the huge kitchen which had so many many things. the numerous doors i had to unlock in order to go wee wee at night. i guess i'll nvr go back there again cus it's being sold.

everyone felt the loss i guess. esp my uncles and aunt. i was moved to tears by my uncles' speeches. esp uncle ambrose when he asked all of us to stay united and gather together as usual for future reunion dinners on the eve. he was afraid that we would go separate ways and perhaps with the in-laws side for cny. the truth is..it was exactly wat i felt and was thinking might happen..i was so afraid. and when he spoke my mind, i realise i wasn't the only one afraid of being left out. i guess.

does it matter?

just something from kienji's email which i found quite meaningful haha. he better not read this! bleahz.

"and i thought that as we grow older, we become more and more
cynical of our dreams because we never realise them...
because they neevr became a reality, adn as kids, we
believed that everything was p[ossible and we dared to
fdream of just about anything... just that as we grow
older we kind of gave up on our dreams because most
remained as soemthing distant, unreacheable, merely a
dream... and perhaps it comes to a point where we dun
dream anymore... and we become just like anybody
else... "

anyway too lazy to blog anymore.