promos suck~

i dun feel like blogging anymore. i'm so tired and sick of typing. all i wanna do is scream out loud. lalalalalala. i'll come back when i feel like whining or complaining or bitching kaes?

btw, my frens rock. my darlings: ppl back in kl and my stick sisters. have i ever told u guys that? we all just seem to be able to click. we can understand each other and accept each other's differences. unlike some ppl which i totally do not get. i dun even know the real them. as in..sometimes i really wanna ask them.."are u really that stupid? or are u just trying to act cute and innocent?" or "can u stop acting like a bitch and a bimbo when u dun qualify for either?" or "stop flirting around and pretending that it ain't flirting" or maybe, "can u please direct your questions or statements properly and dun multi-task if u cannot do so?". i can't stand it when u are telling or talking to someone and then stop in mid-air cus u are playing somethign or reading an sms and then u go.."yeah..so then rite..then..then..yeah lar..then...." while trying to continue talking and at the same time concentrating on wateva u r doing at hand. it's fucking irritating. and please dun come telling me about how u dislike this person and that person AND when i ask u why..dun answer cus i dun like face. please lar.........it's damn immature and stupid when ur own face cannot make it ok. there are just sometimes when i cannot accept some ppl's differences and i'll get very very exasperated by them. i cannot be nice to them when they are acting like this.
it's amazing how some people whom everyone can stand and like; i won't be able to do the same.
and when some people where many cannot stand and dislike; i'll be able to accept them.
it's just how some ppl perceive other ppl and HOW SOME PPL CAN JUST PUT ON A REALLY SWEET AND INNOCENT MASK AROUND OTHERS WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY FREAKING IRRITATING AND FAKE.

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
but no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desparate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and their stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

i wish upon a star...

:) jean sms me yest to ask wat i wanted for my bdae!!! HAHA so sweet yah? not the present part but the fact that she still remembers and wanna send me a prezzie all the way from kl..*grinz* i didn't tell her wat i wanted..asked her to surprise me!!!! haha i love surprises..ONLY good surprises lar..duh! wateva it is..i'm sure i'll love it cus...it's the thought that counts rite?

haha sound too idealisitic and all goody-goody? haha ok fine fine..of cus i want something nice or funky or meaningful...not some lame-o shit or recycled prezzie that no one else in the world wants!!! jk...i bet someone in the world wants lar..but u noe..if u really meant the gift for me..and u put ur thoughts and good wishes into the prezzie and sincerely thougth i would like it..then yeah..i love u and ur prezzie!!! cuz it's the thought that eventually matters...

cus u see..i realised that materialistic things can't keep u happy. i mean when i go out and buy something that i like...expensive, branded, wateva u noe...i'll be pleased for awhile...but i won't be happy for long! it can't change my life..the way i feel about myself..the way i perceive life and the maddening world i live in.

yes. money can get u to places..a good degree maybe..holidays overseas..gucci or prada handbag etc...but how long can u be happy with it? so u just gonna keep on buying more expensive stuff? splurge on urself? memories...that' something else. u can't buy them. u can experience them and treasure them. but u can't pay to have true friends around u who care and love u rite? wat use is it to go on holiday by urself and have no friends to enjoy their company?

so yeah...money makes the world go round? LOVE makes the world go round and round!!!!!!

beauty of it.

no matter how we try to see it..ppl change. sometimes we really dun want them too. we want their old selves back. but we can't change the fact that they are different. especially old friends whom u seldom get to see and catch up. but, regardless of whether they look different, behave differently, grew more mature, change their mindset and thinking, have different priorities or even different fashion sense...i still accept and love my friends all the same. i guess that's the beauty of friendship rite? no matter how much u change in life, ur friends will always be there to love u and treasure u all the same. they accept ur differences. that's what i learnt recently.

saddening

kienji and jeremy came n left.
although we had no plans, didn't do much, hang around, talk cock, ate not very delicious food, walk around aimlessly most of the time, felt bored etc., i was glad they came (: really. i miss them. i miss all the kl ppl i knew for so many yrs. they reminded me of kl cuz they know my kl darlings. when i meet them, i feel linked n connected to my frens in kl..somehow lar. kinda weird rite?
anyway, i was pretty sad that they left just now.. so today will be my sad day. i won't see jeremy for another year or so. everyone leaves in the end i guess. almost everyone lar. pris is in melb liao. wf going off to aust too. bee will be in us. cy..i dunno..aust or uk rite? haihz...we're all gonna get separated. even the guys are going off to diff places. will we stay in touch when we're all on diff continents? heh.

p/s: i got a new template and a tag board. kinda like it now. took some time to figure out how to link stuff properly cus the original html code they provided was screwed. bleahz.

lost it all

i suppose i lost it all.

yupz. lost my drive. my focus. my aims. my goals. my dreams. my direction in life.

i can't concentrate anymore. i can't do stuff like i used to. i can't move on and let go. i wanna cling on to the past. i dun wanna let go.

i just wanna feel safe and secure again. i wanna know what is ahead and hear the words "dun worry" and really belive it. i wanna say "i'm fine" or "i'm ok" and really am. i wanna stop pretending that the world is a big, happy place where i live. i wanna stop all these fake fronts and masks that i put on constantly. i wanna stop deluding myself and start accepting the truth and what's real. i wanna stop lying to myself. i wanna stop telling myself that i'll be fine when i know perfectly well that i won't. i wanna stop thinking about what could have been if or what would have been if.

but i can't! and i dun wanna. cus if i do start accepting the harsh reality, i might just break and go. and i'm afraid.

took me this long.

i feel so stupid. i've been living in self-denial. in delusion.
can't believe i took so long to figure this out.
glad that i know the truth so that i can move on.
all i can say is..
fuck u.

why?

i jus need to know why.
WHY CAN'T U JUST EXPLAIN YOURSELF?

it's a holiday.

yupz. it's a sch hol today and i should make full use of it rite? hmmx..i know i can't start mugging today. cus i dun feel like it. haihz..i absolutely hate exams and the stress and pressure it brings. i know i'm constantly whining and complaining that i'm failing and all BUT the thing is, i realise that i nvr do anything bout it. uh-uh. i just dun put in effort. and i dun want to. so i decided.. today i shall pack my things. not to go anywhere but to file my notes and tutorials, throw my old shoes, clean my desk etc. basically spring cleaning. and then maybe i will feel like mugging tmr.