in the pure fashion of procrastination on the last master's essay I have to write.... 

I stumbled upon a really old AIM conversation with an old boyfriend. 

and as I read the conversation I felt my pulse rise and found myself wanting to yell "stop" as I scrolled through every line. 

We were having a fight... A very common one that we continually had at the end of our relationship. 

Rereading it I felt foolish, naive, codependent, and so emotional. And I was at that point in my life. This boy (who wasn't fully perfect) was simply trying to defuse the situation (that he got himself into) and tried to reinstate what he actually meant. However, I heard what I only wanted to hear, which was him accusing me that I did not have a relationship with the Lord. 

And to be quite honest, I didn't. 

but I wanted to fight him to the end, to prove that he was insensitive and I was right. 

at the end of this specific convo he said... and I quote, "because if you understood what I was doing then we would not be having this conversation, (and) you would know without a doubt that I love you." 

I wanted to cry after reading that line, mostly because of where I am now and the new understanding I have of love, faith, and what he meant. 

He did love me, he just didn't know exactly how to show it to better my situation. 

Actually, he did. 

It was to ultimately allow me to push him away and to end our relationship. 

It broke me of the chains I put myself in. 

It broke the foundation I had built for myself

And it made me realize the facade I was living. 

As I sat there in this new realization, in the haze of new understanding, I began to mentally panic about my past: 

I am not that girl anymore

did I totally ruin something good?

I looked completely insane at that time

what if I never showed him that I truly got what he was trying to say

am I living out this new knowledge in current relationships?

he will never know what God has done in me

we have the same dreams now and he doesn't know it

what if he never knows that I am different now?

As these doubts and worries crossed through my head, the line "Be still" rang louder than anything else.

So I did. I stood there with all these doubts, all these I could have(s), and turned my attention to the One who is in control of everything. I focused on what He has shown me, the growth He has made within me and the strength I now have through Him. 

And I enjoyed it there, in that moment, with the One it was meant to be enjoyed with

 It is amazing how the Lord can use my own humanly desires for His ultimate good in my life.

Because all God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God, like my own human desires, actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? That which seems evil (insanity, emotional, failure, cheated, worthless, pain) only seems so because of the perspective, the way the eyes see the shadows.

because

Above the clouds, light never stops shining.

Julian of Norwich saw it this way:

See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything.

See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally.

See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began,

by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it.

How can anything be amiss?

Perspective –– how we see. 

tonight, in the mist of pain from the past I heard Him ask, "Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work ALL for the best good of the whole world –– because My flame of love for you can never, ever be quenched?"

tonight is a true testament that without God's Word as a lens, the world warps. my world can warp.

[Matt. 6:22&23]

Perspective.

tonight I stand again in awe of my Maker and His hand in my life.

My dear friends,

I see the finish line and the end is insight! As I begin the final steps in preparation for my final panel I ask that you keep me in your prayers this week. As the day gets closer, I feel ready and at peace with what I have to present. I ask that you pray for my heart, my speech and my ability as a therapist. That I will use my presentation to bring glory to our Heavenly Father and use the gifts He has given me to the best of my abilities.

So on Friday, April 27^th at 10am I will be standing in front of a panel of three faculty members and supervisors. I will be turning in my 50+ page modality and case paper. I will be giving a one and a half hour presentation on my journey as a marriage and family therapist, my modality (or theory I chose to base my practice on), and my case (how I implemented my modality to a specific client(s). After I will be given a vignette (which is basically a paragraph about a “case” that I have to diagnose and treat based on the information given in the paragraph) and have seven minutes to come up with my ideas and present it to my panel. I am most worried about this part because there is no way I can prepare. I ask that you pray for me not only on Friday morning but also throughout this week: That I stay on task, that I am able to get everything done, and that I am able cast my worries and anxiety on our Lord.

I want to thank you for your support, wisdom, love, advice and friendship throughout these past two years. Please know that each and everyone of you have been a blessing from the Lord and a way that I have seen His grace. I am so excited to be at the end of this season, bearing the fruit of obedience given from the One who was and is and yet to come.

With all my love,

Jacqueline Ann

Cool.Calm.Collected.

that is the best way I can describe the way I feel right now. In the mists of a busy schedule... I am cool, calm and collected. Yes, there are moments where I freak out, worry, or feel defeated, yet they are few and far between. I think what gets me through the every day grind is truly being excited that I get to give God glory for my accomplishments (and future ones). This outlook, living out ευχαριστία, being thankful in every moment helps me get through the long days and even longer nights. It is my hope, my light, the way I am able to get up and pour out to those I am in contact with. Even with my final panel, graduation forms to fill out, applications, interviews, new jobs, old jobs, more clients, last quarter of classes, financial dependency, sickness, new friendships, future plans, loss of loved ones, new family members, & life changes I know that my Savior and Lord will provide all that I need. Because He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32). Of all the passages of the Bible that are designed as solid places and promises to stand when everything around you is giving way, this is where I have stood more often than any other. And in doing so, I am able to feel more often than not... cool, calm & collected. I am able to still my busy life in those moments and know that He is God. And that His will for my life is perfect.

So as I begin my second week of my final quarter of grad school, I hope to be a testament of His surpassing strength and joy. I don't know exactly what I am going to be doing in June, whether it's continuing the job I was offered at my internship in Upland, finding a new job in the county, moving back to Seattle or even China. I do know that what ever is handed to me I will be grateful for, because I have the peace knowing I will be taken care of and giving the best opportunity to make something of the gifts He has given me. 

But as for today, I will live in peace He has given me in the future unknowns.

I have turned to the book of Psalms many times for comfort, praise and those moments where I cannot form meaningful words into prayers. Tonight, I found myself unable to verbally express my need for the Lord... so I (randomly) turned to Psalms 34:

The LORD, a Provider and Deliverer. 

A Psalm of David when he feigned madness before Abimelech, who drove him away and he departed.

 ¹ I will bless the LORD at all times;

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
² My soul will make its boast in the LORD;
The humble will hear it and rejoice.
³ O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

 ⁴ I sought the LORD, and He answered me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
⁵ They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces will never be ashamed.
⁶ This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him
And saved him out of all his troubles.
⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him,
And rescues them.

 ⁸ O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
⁹ O fear the LORD, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.
¹⁰ The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.
¹¹ Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
¹² Who is the man who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?
¹³ Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.
¹⁴ Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

 ¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
And His ears are open to their cry.
¹⁶ The face of the LORD is against evildoers,
To cut off the memory of them from the earth.
¹⁷ The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
¹⁸ The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.

 ¹⁹ Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
²⁰ He keeps all his bones,
Not one of them is broken.
²¹ Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
²² The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned. 

I won't say much (mostly because I don't need too..) 

but there are three things that I would like to point out:

1. in v4 David, while fleeing for his own life, realized the importance of seeking the LORD. How simple his statement was.. I sought the LORD, and He answered me. Yet how easily forgotten or put off in our "filled up" lives. How many excuses, time crunches, stressful situations I have used to separate myself from the Lord... yet no excuse is worthy enough.. not even the threat of death. Because seeking the Lord first will bring us answers and the right ones... the ones that stem from His perfect will.

2. there have been many times I have come before the Lord and laid down my burdens, worries, and plans. But then quickly took them back... not really giving them up. v6 rings true to a recent discovery in my own life ⁶ This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. Crying out to the Lord takes some guts... not only are you being honest with Him, but you are being honest with yourself. I have found that the state of vulnerability with the Lord was never really reached in my own life because I was afraid/unwilling to admit I could not do it on my own. I couldn't defeat that sin alone, I couldn't truly have self-control, peace, wisdom without His unmeasruable strength.... All I need to do is cry out (be honest). 

3. Reading v7 out loud the first time brought chills to my skin. The angel of the Lord is around those who fear Him, and rescues them in their time of need. Rescues us from our fears, bad choices, idols, enemies, sadness, hopelessness. We will ultimately find rescue, answers, peace, direction from our Provider and Deliverer when we seek Him. 

I hope to have a heart like David's... one after God's own heart. Seeking Him not only in times of need, but in joyful ones as well. I hope to retreat back to Him when others are looking to me for leadership, to look to the Lord for direction and strength. To be poured into by His Holy Spirit and Word, so that I can pour into those around me. To keep those last sentences in that specific order, putting Christ first... because only through Him am I able to walk victorious.

The in between

I'm having a hard time deciding what to write on... since I haven't written in over a month. So this blog will briefly catch you up on the in between. The end of 2011 and beginning of 2012.

2011

•  God showed me that the threats of joy, the times where I was overwhelmed were because I lost sight of Him and His purpose for my life. That when I put Him and our relationship first, everything else fell in line. 
• Reality hit hard as this year's holidays were a bit different, with little cousins growing up or having less people at our family gatherings. 
• I was continually blessed by the people around me. Whether it was the nights of laugher while visiting my sister and friends up in Seattle, the caring catch ups with my fellow Grad friends back at home, or being able to be poured into by my mentors and family members.
• I was blessed to have my year end like it has countless times in the past. Standing securely around loved ones, spending the evening in fellowship and reliving old memories as we counted down the new year. 

2012

 

• Saying goodbye to one of the strongest women I know and love was the hardest thing I did this year. Not only losing my grandma but realizing how much she was apart of my foundation and ultimately my childhood. 
• Visiting Seattle and everyone that goes with the place I love. Being blessed to see how God has grown my little sister and encouraged for His future plans for her.
• Finally nailing a final case :) and now preparing for my panel which will hopefully happen mid April. Thank you all for your prayers, caring words and support. The Lord is good!
• Seeing the fruit of my obedience, being blessed by the hand of God and seeing doors begin to open for my life after school. 
• Signing up to run a half marathon with my brothers this coming summer and being dedicated in getting back in shape.

I wish I could sit down with each one of you and share what it's been like going through these past few months. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't always been easy. Yet, as I sit in front of my computer screen and think back to who I was a few months ago and who I am now.... I am thankful I am who I am today. I am thankful those situations happened. Because without them, I wouldn't truly know God's grace, His love, the importance of family, the blessing of a helping hand and the strength of a true friendship.  I wouldn't truly know what it was like to settle for something less, to find out what I deserve, to daily die to my own wants, to become someone I am ultimately looking for in another.
2012 has a special place in my heart, because it is going to be a year of change, radical change... I can just feel it in my bones, the change that will take me somewhere I couldn't ever dream up. Whether or not it brings new places, friendships, love, and passions, I know I shall be in the right place. A place to be a living sacrifice, to be poured out for the glory of Christ. And that my friends, is what makes this year bright.