You have kept count of my tossings;

put my tears in your bottle. 

Are they not in your book?

I came across this verse awhile back and had such an intense reaction to it that I knew I needed to revisit it later. 

So here I am

As my eyes glanced over this text, I found my heart strings being pulled. 

I am in a season of change and though there are moments filled with anxiety, most of this change is for the good. The kind of change I have been waiting for 

This verse brought me back to the moments filled with heartache, the moments of uncertainty, the moments of pain brought on by another, the moments where my own plans had to die. 

And though this verse brought memories flooded with questions, pain, and uncertainty.... the ultimate thought was on the blessing He now has shown me. 

It brought me to the thought of this man and what he represents in my life. 

Because of Christopher, because of the man he is, because of what our relationship means to me, I feel like I have a true understanding of Ps 56:8. 

As most of my girlfriends, mentors and family can attest... I have had many nights of tossing, tears and questions. 

And God took note of that. More than that.. He was there through my pain, through my questions and through my stubbornness of trying to take control. 

He didn't give up on me. He didn't give up on my dream. 

As I look at Christopher I can hear God saying, 

"See, I was there in those moments. I heard you when you cried out. I was there when you doubted. I knew what I was doing. And I was molding you to be complete in Me." 

I have never been in a more humbling moment in my life. 

Those tears, those fears, those sleepless nights were for a purpose. 

And that purpose is now being revealed to me.

Take heart, He keeps count. 

He knows you well. 

What ifs

There are moments in life when you find yourself longing to be rid of the responsibility, heartache, and fear that comes with being an adult. 

Today was one of those moments for me. 

Where all I wanted to do was go back in time and crawl into my childhood bed and rid the day's worries away. 

I have to admit, it was hard to stay focus today. 

It was hard to not thinking of the "what ifs" and negative conclusions I made up in my head. 

overthinking is one of my worst enemies. 

When the clock struck lunch break I found myself locked in my stuffy car, windows cracked, praying. There was nothing else I could think of doing. (which isn't a bad thing) 

I spoke outloud my "what ifs" as they clouded my heart. 

what if this time was different?

what if I am not enough? 

what if they change their mind?

what if I fail, or what if I succeed? 

what if I can't find someone new to live with? 

what if I run out of options? 

what if I have to rely on others and ask for help?

My world is far from crashing. I know this. But today, I just couldn't control it. 

And that's it. The truth that I have been trying to live out. 

I don't have to control it. I don't have to have it all plan out. 

That's when the theme of today's quite time came to my mind. 

When focused on anything other than God and His promises, "what if" is a banner of fear instead of a flag of faith.

As hard as I try, as much as I try to prepare for the worst, no one (including myself) can predicted the "what ifs" of life.  

instead

What if we reclaimed our "what ifs" today? 

What if we seized the opportunity to turn our faith into action?

It's a scary concept, and a lot easier said than done.

But I know who goes before me, who loves me and will never leave me. 

So as I end this whirlwind of a day, I will pray with an ernest heart that the Lord continues to refine me in this season of "what ifs" allowing me to lean on Him and His Truth. 

That He draws near to me, that I won't lose sight of His promises.

Hi, my name is Jacqueline.
And it's been a long time since I've written on here.

To be honest, the thought of writing here has past through my mind every now and then.
Usually it is when I find myself living out those joy filled moments, like exploring with loved ones, experiencing Christ's love through those closest to me, and those quiet times where I have time to sit and think.

Here is a quick "in a nutshell" in what God has shown me since the last time I wrote a post [Feb 13]

• People are human and make mistakes
• Even though the statement above is true, the Lord is true and will always follow through
• Obedience in the unknown is always a good learning place
• The Lord makes beautiful things out of the dust
• My family is such a blessing
• Seeing God take me out of certain situations and giving me something even better
• Being an adult is a scary and empowering thing all wrapped into one
• My plans are mediocre compared to what He has in store
• God knows my heart
• No matter how bad it looks, I will be okay, more than okay
• I can be loved and cherished for who I am and the amazing heart the Lord has given me
• Christian mentors are a Godsend
• Don't wait until the last minute to do your laundry or RSVP to an event
• Morning quiet times are such a NEEDED gift 
• Being a contributing part of a group/church community is not just for your benefit
• It's okay to ask for help

My plan is to write more. 

I am hoping to make some time to reflect on my week and write a thought, quote, picture. 

So until the next time... 

My Greatest Valentine,

I've been wanting to write this to you for a while now. To the greatest and true love in my life, thank you. Thank you for continuing to show up my mess. Thank you for loving the sinner I am. Thank you for using the times I rebelled and disobeyed as a reminder of your unconditional love. Thank you for sending your Counselor to constantly reminded me who I am called to be: your child.
I think I get caught up in the blessings you've given freely to me: a wonderful family, a job, amazing friends and family, great mentors. All these things I don't deserve and yet even though I constantly battle my flesh (either winning or losing) you never change. Out of all my cries, complains and disobedience you still love me. You still beckon me to draw near and lift my worries and fears off my shoulders. You still pick me up from the mud, wipe me clean and set me on a solid foundation.
Because of you, I know unconditional love and grace. Thank you. I stand in awe of you and want to love you with all my heart.

xoxo

in the pure fashion of procrastination on the last master's essay I have to write.... 

I stumbled upon a really old AIM conversation with an old boyfriend. 

and as I read the conversation I felt my pulse rise and found myself wanting to yell "stop" as I scrolled through every line. 

We were having a fight... A very common one that we continually had at the end of our relationship. 

Rereading it I felt foolish, naive, codependent, and so emotional. And I was at that point in my life. This boy (who wasn't fully perfect) was simply trying to defuse the situation (that he got himself into) and tried to reinstate what he actually meant. However, I heard what I only wanted to hear, which was him accusing me that I did not have a relationship with the Lord. 

And to be quite honest, I didn't. 

but I wanted to fight him to the end, to prove that he was insensitive and I was right. 

at the end of this specific convo he said... and I quote, "because if you understood what I was doing then we would not be having this conversation, (and) you would know without a doubt that I love you." 

I wanted to cry after reading that line, mostly because of where I am now and the new understanding I have of love, faith, and what he meant. 

He did love me, he just didn't know exactly how to show it to better my situation. 

Actually, he did. 

It was to ultimately allow me to push him away and to end our relationship. 

It broke me of the chains I put myself in. 

It broke the foundation I had built for myself

And it made me realize the facade I was living. 

As I sat there in this new realization, in the haze of new understanding, I began to mentally panic about my past: 

I am not that girl anymore

did I totally ruin something good?

I looked completely insane at that time

what if I never showed him that I truly got what he was trying to say

am I living out this new knowledge in current relationships?

he will never know what God has done in me

we have the same dreams now and he doesn't know it

what if he never knows that I am different now?

As these doubts and worries crossed through my head, the line "Be still" rang louder than anything else.

So I did. I stood there with all these doubts, all these I could have(s), and turned my attention to the One who is in control of everything. I focused on what He has shown me, the growth He has made within me and the strength I now have through Him. 

And I enjoyed it there, in that moment, with the One it was meant to be enjoyed with

 It is amazing how the Lord can use my own humanly desires for His ultimate good in my life.

Because all God makes is good. Can it be that, that which seems to oppose the will of God, like my own human desires, actually is used of Him to accomplish the will of God? That which seems evil (insanity, emotional, failure, cheated, worthless, pain) only seems so because of the perspective, the way the eyes see the shadows.

because

Above the clouds, light never stops shining.

Julian of Norwich saw it this way:

See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything.

See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally.

See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began,

by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it.

How can anything be amiss?

Perspective –– how we see. 

tonight, in the mist of pain from the past I heard Him ask, "Can you believe that I tenderly, tirelessly work ALL for the best good of the whole world –– because My flame of love for you can never, ever be quenched?"

tonight is a true testament that without God's Word as a lens, the world warps. my world can warp.

[Matt. 6:22&23]

Perspective.

tonight I stand again in awe of my Maker and His hand in my life.

My dear friends,

I see the finish line and the end is insight! As I begin the final steps in preparation for my final panel I ask that you keep me in your prayers this week. As the day gets closer, I feel ready and at peace with what I have to present. I ask that you pray for my heart, my speech and my ability as a therapist. That I will use my presentation to bring glory to our Heavenly Father and use the gifts He has given me to the best of my abilities.

So on Friday, April 27^th at 10am I will be standing in front of a panel of three faculty members and supervisors. I will be turning in my 50+ page modality and case paper. I will be giving a one and a half hour presentation on my journey as a marriage and family therapist, my modality (or theory I chose to base my practice on), and my case (how I implemented my modality to a specific client(s). After I will be given a vignette (which is basically a paragraph about a “case” that I have to diagnose and treat based on the information given in the paragraph) and have seven minutes to come up with my ideas and present it to my panel. I am most worried about this part because there is no way I can prepare. I ask that you pray for me not only on Friday morning but also throughout this week: That I stay on task, that I am able to get everything done, and that I am able cast my worries and anxiety on our Lord.

I want to thank you for your support, wisdom, love, advice and friendship throughout these past two years. Please know that each and everyone of you have been a blessing from the Lord and a way that I have seen His grace. I am so excited to be at the end of this season, bearing the fruit of obedience given from the One who was and is and yet to come.

With all my love,

Jacqueline Ann

Cool.Calm.Collected.

that is the best way I can describe the way I feel right now. In the mists of a busy schedule... I am cool, calm and collected. Yes, there are moments where I freak out, worry, or feel defeated, yet they are few and far between. I think what gets me through the every day grind is truly being excited that I get to give God glory for my accomplishments (and future ones). This outlook, living out ευχαριστία, being thankful in every moment helps me get through the long days and even longer nights. It is my hope, my light, the way I am able to get up and pour out to those I am in contact with. Even with my final panel, graduation forms to fill out, applications, interviews, new jobs, old jobs, more clients, last quarter of classes, financial dependency, sickness, new friendships, future plans, loss of loved ones, new family members, & life changes I know that my Savior and Lord will provide all that I need. Because He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32). Of all the passages of the Bible that are designed as solid places and promises to stand when everything around you is giving way, this is where I have stood more often than any other. And in doing so, I am able to feel more often than not... cool, calm & collected. I am able to still my busy life in those moments and know that He is God. And that His will for my life is perfect.

So as I begin my second week of my final quarter of grad school, I hope to be a testament of His surpassing strength and joy. I don't know exactly what I am going to be doing in June, whether it's continuing the job I was offered at my internship in Upland, finding a new job in the county, moving back to Seattle or even China. I do know that what ever is handed to me I will be grateful for, because I have the peace knowing I will be taken care of and giving the best opportunity to make something of the gifts He has given me. 

But as for today, I will live in peace He has given me in the future unknowns.