hihi!!

someof the funny pics floating around of our dear vice-chancellor fred hilmer. pictures say it all. look at that, he cant even wear his fucing tie properly.

sometimes i just feel so tired, and just feel like giving up. when doubt creeps into your mind and you feel all alone, it really brings you crashing to the ground. do my peers feel the same way? are they as furious and hurt by the absolute stupidity and morality of the whole issue? are they just prepared to accept what they give and move on? sigh. organizing and fronting this whole fight is more taxing than you would imagine. sometimes i just wanna give up myself. after all i am one of the lucky ones with the options right?

normally i unwind in the shower. the warm water cascading down over my face has an amazing de-stressing effect. its the way it loads your senses i think, feeling the torrent of water reverberating in your head, the water licking and flowing over your skin. cuts all distractions out. but just now i felt so... numb, and disconnected.

the problem is made worse by my inability to open up, and collapse on somebody's shoulder. this is a conditioned thing, for Ive always preferred to stand on my own and not be reliant. i need it now, but i can't. how screwed up is that. its at times like these where i can see the usefulness of religion. damn me for being too cynical to accept that crutch.

but I'm so thankful to the many supportive people i have around me. my friends, my family, thanks. undoubtedly, the fact that they're there helps so much, even though i unconsciously strive not to burden them.

tomorrow is gonna be an crucial day. our voice needs to be heard.

i wish i could "SEE HOW" in this situation. my 'see how' philosophy has worked so well in the past, it would make things a lot easier now.


~


gosh i sound so gay. (jon is angry at himself for being so mopey, stand up you fuck)

blehhh

i thought i had finally found some peace, but it has been taken away from me.

i dont want to admit it, but the recent developments have really left me in quite a shit state. there is saying that "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger". i thought i was done with tough times and thought i could look forward to some stability.

i do not need to grow fucking stronger. in the end, i have no doubt that i will get through this, but its just so fucking draining.

im really concerned about the students who cant go to sydney, for some it simply isnt an option. whats going to happen to them? their future has become so uncertain overnight. what if they cannot find a place in any of the local unis? fuck! this is not their own doing, and they are paying dearly for it.

too bad. for whatever reason UNSW wants out. nobody can stop them, not us, not our parents, not the government. but we still need to try, and the lord knows how emotionally tiring it is.

talking to my schoolmates, talking to the reporters, trying to attend class, trying to settle accomodation in sydney, trying to organize the petition, trying to get into local unis, trying to study for my exams, trying to finish my essays. FUCK.

all this is affecting me. its so weird that i'd rather blog than share my grieveances with other human beings. i think talking to people just requires too much effort. even if you talk, they might not see exactly what you are saying, and you have reiterate yourself so that they do understand you. it is not something i have the energy for. blogging is much easier.

i suppose everyone in singapore and australia would have heard the big news about my school closing. it came as such a unbelievable shock.



just when i thought i had found some stability in my life it gets turned upside down again. i really dont know what i did in my past life.



i feel really bad for our lecturers. they are topnotch, remaining committed to us for the rest of the sem despite losing their jobs. its so sad when you hear about some of the sacrifices they've made. many have moved to singapore with their whole families, bought houses here and sold houses back home, quit jobs to come here etc. its ridiculous.



we are all just small players in a really big game. one doesnt need to be very smart to know why they are so keen to pull out. it makes their pathetic attempt at an explanation even more infuriating. false excuses....



oh well as a good friend used to say "lifes a joke, don't take it too seriously".



wtf.

this is ridiculous. ive said it before, im waiting to be shot down. i hope im just being paranoid, but i can feel it.

what the fuck right? again.