New Year, Same Shit

By year, I mean financial year. That's my way of getting around the fact that this poor excuse for a blog hasn't been updated since October 2005.

How can it be a blog then? No daily in-depth information about what I did/saw/said. No musings about the pointlessness of life. No thinly-veiled swipes at my friends. No complaining about how stupid everybody is. No wait, I do do that last one.

Anyway, I'll be back soon enough. Have a great financial year ahead!

iNcredible iDiocy

Having witnessed the recent furore over the iPod nano, I’ve realised something about the average consumer. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I’ve encapsulated my feelings into this: they’re fucking idiots!

I’ll be the first to admit the device is sexy. It’s so sleek and pretty, if it were a girl, I’d probably have been rejected by her by now. But don’t you realise the nano is basically what the Shuffle should have been? You know the shuffle, the MP3 player that didn’t even have a goddamn SCREEN? I was aghast at how they managed to turn an incredibly obvious flaw into a marketing advantage.

The worst part about it? It worked. Mindless sheep, all lulled by Steve Job’s seductive siren’s call, bought it in droves. “But… but… it’s so easy to use!” they’d say. What’s wrong moron, get confused by a monochrome screen telling you which song is playing?

So now the same thing is happening to the nano. People on my MSN contact list are already changing their nicknames to “iPod nano! Ooooh I want one!” or something equally stupid. So to finish off this rant, I’ll offer the good folks at Apple this great idea that would make a handsome addition to their iPod product line.

iPlug
Being a mere novice in the world of S&M, I’m not really sure what buttplugs are for, but they can’t be good (which means they are good). Anyway, Apple can now make iPlugs, little white plugs that fit snugly in anyone’s cornhole.

The best part about it? It’s so easy to use.

New improved formula! Now with more crap.

Howdy folks. If you haven’t noticed, there has been a little revamp at this oft-neglected repository of BS. For starters, I have a graphic at the top depicting a squirrel and some flying… hands. Yes, that squirrel is none other than yours truly but don’t let it fool you, I look nothing like that in person (my tail is bushier).

But before I am tempted to take credit for that piece of… art, I will give respect where it’s due. Adrian from up north did it after much procrastinating and pestering. I also have to thank Su-Yin for taking time off from convalescing to make the changes. I’ve done away with the comatose tag-board and shifted stuff to the right. I will be adding all the coolest and hippest blogs I know to my links in due time. If you have any feedback feel free to email.

Till I have some more crap to share, peace out.

P.S. Even if you’re not hip, just pay me a nominal fee and I’ll link you. I’m cheap like that.

Excuses, Excuses

Woah... check out that last post date - the 3rd of July. For anyone who follows this, you should know by now that this blog, while certainly short on the quantity, is never short on the quality. I like to think of it as the Bentley of blogs; I don't make many of em, but when I do, they sure are a doozy!

For those curious about my prolonged absence, I will share with you my latest adventure* - I was whisked away by a South American TV crew to Guatemala, where they made me the star of 'Who Wants To Marry A Penniless Writer?' or 'Quién Desea Casar un Escritor De Penniless?' as it was known there.

Turns out not many people (much less hot South American girls) did, so my prospects turned out to be an assortment of misfits and social outcasts. And a donkey.

I'll spare you the sordid details, but I will say that there was a lot of catfighting (Meowrrrr!) over me. In the end though, I just couldn't stomach the thought of marrying for the sake of TV ratings and a watermelon farm. That, and most of the contestants escaped from the compound on the first night.

So while the TV station was disappointed, I came back a stronger man, knowing that fame and watermelons aren't everything.

In case you're wondering, the donkey made it to round 3 before being eliminated by this girl who had her twin sister's head growing out of her side. I'm regretting calling it off... Conchita (the head growing out the side of Maria) was kinda cute. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Till next time, keep it real folks.

*This may not have actually happened.

Summer Movie Thoughts

Like a bad case of herpes, I return. This blog has been abandoned and resurrected so many times over that if it were a pet dog, it'd be a weird skinny Franken-dog who just wants to be loved. However, I am thankful to the faithful readers that believe in this thing I'm doing. No, not that thing. I finished doing that thing before typing this.

Whatever the case, I'm back just in time to comment on the summer movie onslaught during which Hollywood studios cram our collective consciousnesses (is that even a word?) full of big-name stars and even bigger explosions. Sometimes they combine both and make big-name stars explode.

So here are my thoughts on the current crop of movies that you may or may not already have seen. Now, I'll be giving comments based solely on my totally righteous, dope and kick-ass movie-going expertise, which often means I don't even have to watch the movie to give an opinion. Yes, I'm that good.

Batman Begins

Ok, I watched this and as a Batman fan (read: dork) I found that it totally nailed the tone of the comics. Christian Bale is the best Bruce Wayne yet, possessing the ferocity required as Batman while still exhibiting the pathos of someone who watched his parents get murdered. The supporting cast is excellent, which is no surprise considering the number of big-names (sadly, they don't explode here) but I found Katie Holmes a bit lacking. Maybe she was too distracted thinking of how to milk her relationship with Tom Cruise to concentrate on acting, but it was at least passable. Watch it if you're not going to watch anything else.

Fantastic 4

I could go on about how I feel the Fantastic 4 is a pretty boring comic to make a movie about and how the actors are as interesting as cardboard boxes, but there is one fundamental flaw with this that overrides everything else. An oversight so huge whoever thought of it should be flayed alive:

Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman

That's right, here's a movie where you can't see Jessica Alba! What's the point? Am I supposed to get turned on by The Thing? Actually, that may work...

Mr and Mrs Smith

I haven't watched this but even if I did, I'd only be thinking of one thing during the movie: Are they or aren't they? Stop teasing me Brangelina!

War Of The Worlds

Lasers and Aliens may break Tom Cruise's bones, but cleverly-disguised water pistols will always embarrass him.

P.S. Scientology is for nutjobs.

M.I.A.

Alas! Forgive me my children… I know I’ve been neglecting my duties of late. The rooster is making my life difficult again, what with his pecking and flapping and crowing… god the crowing!

Meanwhile, judging from the poll, it’s heartening to know that everyone thinks I’m gonna get my eyes pecked out. Damn you all!

The madness will ensue in due course. Just bear with daddy and he will make everything alright… (Me. I'm the daddy.)

seedywriter vs The Rooster (Rooster leads 2-0)

Shhhhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting woosters.

Now before you click ‘back’ on your browser, let me explain. In recent months, I have been subject to what a friend calls a ‘series of unfortunate events’ in my real life (or what passes for one).

While I won’t go into detail as to what has happened (this isn’t that kind of blog), I’ll offer an analogy of sorts: I was kicked hard in the nuts back in February, and while the pain was excruciating, slowly the feelings of nausea and ache began to subside. Recently, just as I was getting up on my feet, I was sucker punched in the gut. Now all I’m waiting for is to hear the inevitable unzipping of trousers and the pitter patter of a warm, yellow rain to complete the humiliation.

Don’t worry, I’m not out for the count yet. In fact, I have given serious, objective thought as to why this is all happening: Firstly, I threw out all possible blame that could be attributed to myself. Next, being the nice guy that I am, I threw out all possible blame that I could place on other people. So what am I left with?

A Rooster.

It’s simple. I noticed my luck turning sour around the beginning of February, during the Chinese Lunar New Year. And I noticed as the Rooster was making its way into 2005, my luck was on the opposite trajectory – OUT.

So utilising the vast resources available to me, I consulted imaging specialists and top-notch scientists doing all sorts of calculations (I’m not sure what kind yet). The result? This is a computer generated image of what is going on right now:

Am I afraid? Hah! I say bring it on, Rooster. I ain’t afraid of your pecking and flapping, in fact I’m gonna make you into a 2 piece meal WITH baked potato! Hold the coleslaw though, I hate coleslaw. Where was I? Yeah, I’ll… *hears crowing in the distance*

…I’m so dead.

P.S. Please take part in the poll on your left, it’s new!