I've made the executive decision to move this blog over to Wordpress. I like Blogger, I'm used to Blogger, but times they are a changing, and Wordpress has some extra features that they just don't have here. (Like PP posts so I can share a bit more with you!!!)
Plus I have some super cool news to share :) So come check me out!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Hanging By A Moment
So much has happened since I last blogged... and nothing has happened all at the same time.
M went to her prom and graduated high school. I got to see pics just hours after both events, thanks to AM promptly posting them on her FB page for me. We chatted the night of her prom, which was sweet. She also acknowledged me on Mother's Day, not just as a mom to Little K, but as someone who made her a mom. I was blown away for the most part, even if it was provoked by my comment on her page. I'll take it.
However, as I type this, my IM to her is hanging without a response. It's happened a few times lately, and I shouldn't even read into it. Except here is is, just hours away from the official start of summer, and I still don't know if I'm meeting M or not. After a month or so went by without the phone call that she promised, I sent her a message and asked if she wanted to make plans to come visit. She responded that it was too hectic with the end of the year and graduation coming, but once that was over, she was going to sit M down and talk to her. Sure, we oohed and ahhed over M's prom pics together, we exchanged e-mails on her graduation weekend talking about how much it all meant to us.
But the last e-mail contained the kiss of death:
"I'll write later."
I know that story. It's in the same family as "I promise I'll call tomorrow."
Either AM has anxiety about putting her money where her mouth is and following through on what she promised about getting us together, or M is now backing out.
If M is backing out, it's fine with me. Really. If she isnt ready, she's not ready, and forcing the issue isn't going to do anything to help it.
But if this is something that isn't going to happen because her mom flaked out..... I just can't accept that. I've waited more than six months for her to follow up on what SHE thought was a good idea! I've waited four years for the chance to talk to M again. I've waited 18 years to see her again.
This means waaay to much to me.
I know the next time we "see" eachother (which will probably be tomorrow given the fact that we are both on FB entirely too much) I have to be direct and ask her point blank. No "hi, how are you!" preliminary formalities.
I think my head is going to explode......
M went to her prom and graduated high school. I got to see pics just hours after both events, thanks to AM promptly posting them on her FB page for me. We chatted the night of her prom, which was sweet. She also acknowledged me on Mother's Day, not just as a mom to Little K, but as someone who made her a mom. I was blown away for the most part, even if it was provoked by my comment on her page. I'll take it.
However, as I type this, my IM to her is hanging without a response. It's happened a few times lately, and I shouldn't even read into it. Except here is is, just hours away from the official start of summer, and I still don't know if I'm meeting M or not. After a month or so went by without the phone call that she promised, I sent her a message and asked if she wanted to make plans to come visit. She responded that it was too hectic with the end of the year and graduation coming, but once that was over, she was going to sit M down and talk to her. Sure, we oohed and ahhed over M's prom pics together, we exchanged e-mails on her graduation weekend talking about how much it all meant to us.
But the last e-mail contained the kiss of death:
"I'll write later."
I know that story. It's in the same family as "I promise I'll call tomorrow."
Either AM has anxiety about putting her money where her mouth is and following through on what she promised about getting us together, or M is now backing out.
If M is backing out, it's fine with me. Really. If she isnt ready, she's not ready, and forcing the issue isn't going to do anything to help it.
But if this is something that isn't going to happen because her mom flaked out..... I just can't accept that. I've waited more than six months for her to follow up on what SHE thought was a good idea! I've waited four years for the chance to talk to M again. I've waited 18 years to see her again.
This means waaay to much to me.
I know the next time we "see" eachother (which will probably be tomorrow given the fact that we are both on FB entirely too much) I have to be direct and ask her point blank. No "hi, how are you!" preliminary formalities.
I think my head is going to explode......
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Just One
Everytime my friend A comes into town, it becomes a major event. Our hometown's former football star who played for a big college with some big names, he travels for work constantly and is one of the few of us who doesn't have roots here anymore. But every chance he gets he comes back for a few slices of sicilian, a few beers and some good company. His visits are starting to draw quite a crowd, all he has to do is put up on FB that he's around and people show up. You never know who you are going to see when you walk in that door, but you know a good time is on hand. My husband knows that once I get that text from J that a visit is imminent, I'm out the door.
So last night, A was holding court at a hometown dive. Despite it being the night before Easter, I headed for my first night out since Little K was born. The same cast of core characters attended, but a few random surprises showed, some people I have not seen since I threw my cap in the air 19 years ago. Most everyone is connected through FB, so when asked "What's new?" the obvious answer for me was Little K. I was talking with one of my long lost classmates, and on the subject of how many kids I had he innocently asked "Just one?"
And I hesitated for a moment, and wanted to tell him the truth. Little K was my second. My other little girl is 18 and lives with her family. She's so awesome and beautiful and she's going to a great college in the fall! Sure I know who she is, her mom and I talk and we are going to maybe meet up this summer! Isn't that great!
But I've learned that no matter how optimistic you sound, no matter how positive the experience can be, people don't want to know. They came to watch college basketball and reminisce about your junior prom date and complain about having to get up and play the Easter Bunny after a few brief hours of sleep. They didn't come to talk about the skeleton you've had in the closet for the past two decades.
So I paused, and then felt like a fraud when I confirmed "Yes. Just one."
So last night, A was holding court at a hometown dive. Despite it being the night before Easter, I headed for my first night out since Little K was born. The same cast of core characters attended, but a few random surprises showed, some people I have not seen since I threw my cap in the air 19 years ago. Most everyone is connected through FB, so when asked "What's new?" the obvious answer for me was Little K. I was talking with one of my long lost classmates, and on the subject of how many kids I had he innocently asked "Just one?"
And I hesitated for a moment, and wanted to tell him the truth. Little K was my second. My other little girl is 18 and lives with her family. She's so awesome and beautiful and she's going to a great college in the fall! Sure I know who she is, her mom and I talk and we are going to maybe meet up this summer! Isn't that great!
But I've learned that no matter how optimistic you sound, no matter how positive the experience can be, people don't want to know. They came to watch college basketball and reminisce about your junior prom date and complain about having to get up and play the Easter Bunny after a few brief hours of sleep. They didn't come to talk about the skeleton you've had in the closet for the past two decades.
So I paused, and then felt like a fraud when I confirmed "Yes. Just one."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Tip of My Tongue
I haven't heard from AM yet about what she wanted to share with me. I'm not mad or upset at all, I know that she has intentions and she is horrible about following through. Part of me is dying to ask her what she wants to tell me, and part of me knows that it's obviously something that she would rather divulge in a conversation. However, I see her pop up on FB chat a lot. For the past few days, I've been chewing a fingernail as I watch her name, debating whether I should IM her with the seven zillion questions I have for her. Questions I've been saving for our talk.
Questions like what M thought of her little sister's pic? How has she responded to the idea of meeting me? I'd like to start getting to know her, do you think she'd want to hear from me?
It's at the tip of my tongue. But everytime I try to write her, either by e-mail or IM, my heart races and I freeze with fear. It's irrational... I know I have nothing to be afraid of. I know AM won't think I'm out of line to ask. I know that M is interested in meeting me. And the questions I have, they are pretty much garden variety, nothing too scandalous or intrusive. Yet I can't get passed this feeling of sheer terror that just asking could change everything. She could encourage me to contact M, or at the very least not balk at the idea. The thought of breaking the contact barrier creates a butterfly farm in my stomach so active I want to puke. I'm 36 years old and I have wanted this for so long and I feel this way. I could only imagine what 18 year old M feels.
But as much as I believe in the newfound relationship AM and I have, I'm also a little afraid having her spearhead this. Life has gotten in the way of our phone call thus far, and I wasn't even the one who requested it. What happens when life gets in the way of us meeting? I see her social calendar filling up already: vacation, family parties, college orientation. Suddenly it will be July 31, and a quick weekend trip to see me might be too late to fit in. And that could be it until next summer. I might not be an afterthought, but I'd feel like one. There is no way I want a scheduling snafu standing in the way of meeting M.
Plus she's 18. It's time for me to find my voice and give it a shot.
Wish me luck :)
Questions like what M thought of her little sister's pic? How has she responded to the idea of meeting me? I'd like to start getting to know her, do you think she'd want to hear from me?
It's at the tip of my tongue. But everytime I try to write her, either by e-mail or IM, my heart races and I freeze with fear. It's irrational... I know I have nothing to be afraid of. I know AM won't think I'm out of line to ask. I know that M is interested in meeting me. And the questions I have, they are pretty much garden variety, nothing too scandalous or intrusive. Yet I can't get passed this feeling of sheer terror that just asking could change everything. She could encourage me to contact M, or at the very least not balk at the idea. The thought of breaking the contact barrier creates a butterfly farm in my stomach so active I want to puke. I'm 36 years old and I have wanted this for so long and I feel this way. I could only imagine what 18 year old M feels.
But as much as I believe in the newfound relationship AM and I have, I'm also a little afraid having her spearhead this. Life has gotten in the way of our phone call thus far, and I wasn't even the one who requested it. What happens when life gets in the way of us meeting? I see her social calendar filling up already: vacation, family parties, college orientation. Suddenly it will be July 31, and a quick weekend trip to see me might be too late to fit in. And that could be it until next summer. I might not be an afterthought, but I'd feel like one. There is no way I want a scheduling snafu standing in the way of meeting M.
Plus she's 18. It's time for me to find my voice and give it a shot.
Wish me luck :)
The Other Side of the Equation
I'm not going to lie my friends, I've been thinking about B lately. More specifically, where he fits into this whole situation. I wondered if he had anything up his sleeve for M's 18, whether he would resurface looking for a relationship that he could now pursue directly with M guilt free. He's come up in passing in my chats with AM. So far, no one's heard from him. AM said she hasn't heard anything in four years. She said she's never seen a good up close picture of him to see for herself that yes, the daughter she swears is a clone of me is actually a good mix of both her birthparents. I searched for him last week to see how visible he was making himself just in case M looked for him. I know he's on Facebook, but he's not searchable. Whatever correspondence, if any, B had as a friend of M's on myspace years ago is gone, as he appears to have deleted his profile. It looks like, for now, B isn't a factor at all.
It should make me happy. Relieved that I can relish this moment for myself as I get closer and closer to reunion. After all, I did the right thing years ago. I took AM's offer to keep in touch and used it to strengthen our relationship. M turned 18 and her mom could tell her that for four years I faithfully sent my updates and my letters and pictures and cards. I respected boundaries and stayed present. And this is my karmic payback, I get to start reunion on the right foot.
Somehow tho, the absence of B makes me sad. It means that he never took AM's offer to keep in touch through her. When he didn't get the response he expected from M, he disappeared. I'm sure his pride took a hit and he slinked off feeling rejected, but it serves as a bit of confirmation of a fear I've had all along: that B wasn't in this for M. He was in this for B. And if he wasn't going to have things go on his terms, then he wasn't going to have anything at all. It makes me sad for M. She should know him. They share a smile, they share common interests. Heck, they could actually become colleagues one day. He's the other half of who she is, at least biologically. I've seen him flip flop on the contact issue before. The thought that he might actually shut the door, the way he's shut the door to 99% of his past, makes me sad.
I mentioned to my best friend that no one has heard from him, and she immediately got that hostile tone in her voice "Good. I hope he stays away. He'll just disappear on her anyway. And you need to stay away from him", she warned.
I told her that I have no intentions of contacting him unless M asks me for help one day. I need him involved like I need a hole in my head. And if by some chance he asks me for help one day, I'll do it for M, but with my guard all the way up. Thankfully, she granted me permission in those instances only (sarcasm, lol!) But I have a feeling that neither of those scenarios will come to life. I wonder if M is interested in him, if she feels the kind of connection to him that she's apparently starting to show with me. If she does, I pray he doesn't break her heart the way he broke mine all those years ago. I hope he comes forward, for her sake.
It should make me happy. Relieved that I can relish this moment for myself as I get closer and closer to reunion. After all, I did the right thing years ago. I took AM's offer to keep in touch and used it to strengthen our relationship. M turned 18 and her mom could tell her that for four years I faithfully sent my updates and my letters and pictures and cards. I respected boundaries and stayed present. And this is my karmic payback, I get to start reunion on the right foot.
Somehow tho, the absence of B makes me sad. It means that he never took AM's offer to keep in touch through her. When he didn't get the response he expected from M, he disappeared. I'm sure his pride took a hit and he slinked off feeling rejected, but it serves as a bit of confirmation of a fear I've had all along: that B wasn't in this for M. He was in this for B. And if he wasn't going to have things go on his terms, then he wasn't going to have anything at all. It makes me sad for M. She should know him. They share a smile, they share common interests. Heck, they could actually become colleagues one day. He's the other half of who she is, at least biologically. I've seen him flip flop on the contact issue before. The thought that he might actually shut the door, the way he's shut the door to 99% of his past, makes me sad.
I mentioned to my best friend that no one has heard from him, and she immediately got that hostile tone in her voice "Good. I hope he stays away. He'll just disappear on her anyway. And you need to stay away from him", she warned.
I told her that I have no intentions of contacting him unless M asks me for help one day. I need him involved like I need a hole in my head. And if by some chance he asks me for help one day, I'll do it for M, but with my guard all the way up. Thankfully, she granted me permission in those instances only (sarcasm, lol!) But I have a feeling that neither of those scenarios will come to life. I wonder if M is interested in him, if she feels the kind of connection to him that she's apparently starting to show with me. If she does, I pray he doesn't break her heart the way he broke mine all those years ago. I hope he comes forward, for her sake.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
18
There are certain events that are hyped throughout your life. Your prom. Your wedding. The birth of your children. And in the adoption world, one of the biggest hyped events is the 18th birthday. That's when your placed child becomes an adult. When some adoptees think about contacting their birthparents. When some adoptive parents face the need that their children might have to reunite.
Once upon a time, 18 seemed soooo far away. When I turned to the internet for support all those years ago, I was stuck in the middle between birthmoms who's children were on the cusp of 18, and those who were just starting their adoption journeys. No one was trying to resurrect an adoption with a child who was still in their early teens. Throughout the roller coaster ride of establishing that contact, we always consoled ourselves that 18 "wasn't that far away", and "soon" I'd be able to establish contact directly. But at the time, four years was a LIFETIME! And what would 18 do? Would it magically change M's mind if she didn't want contact?
And suddenly, it was here. I woke up the other day, and M was 18.
I don't know what I had expected, but given the hype, it seemed rather underwhelming. I still got up, and had my coffee and planned my day to go outlet shopping with Little K. The sun still rose in the east and set in the west. The only difference was that I changed my FB status to subtly reflect the day. Aside from that? Meh. It was a day. But as I wondered if AM was going to call, I realized that much like I had felt years before with B, I just was not up to hearing from her that night. THAT was overwhelming.... to talk to AM knowing M was there and it was her birthday and not wanting to wish her happy birthday. Or having to deal with the emotions if I was told I could.
Yet, 18 is proving to be a milestone in our relationship. AM and I chatted last Sun. And this Sun. And the day after M's birthday. She hasn't called, but she has been busy, I could tell when she commented on my birthday status at 9:30 that night. Instead she's IMed me. And that's an effort. She told me that she showed M a pic of Little K, that's HUGE to know that M and AM are talking about me, and that M knows we talk, knows she has a sister, and now knows what she looks like. Reunion has gone from a "one day" to "someday in the tangible future." AM said it will happen, and AM is OK with that. It's almost like 18 opened the floodgates, and now the water is washing over me, making me feel both revived and terrified that I'm going to somehow drown.
It's a lot to get my head around. And I still have a phone call to look forward to.
Eek :)
Once upon a time, 18 seemed soooo far away. When I turned to the internet for support all those years ago, I was stuck in the middle between birthmoms who's children were on the cusp of 18, and those who were just starting their adoption journeys. No one was trying to resurrect an adoption with a child who was still in their early teens. Throughout the roller coaster ride of establishing that contact, we always consoled ourselves that 18 "wasn't that far away", and "soon" I'd be able to establish contact directly. But at the time, four years was a LIFETIME! And what would 18 do? Would it magically change M's mind if she didn't want contact?
And suddenly, it was here. I woke up the other day, and M was 18.
I don't know what I had expected, but given the hype, it seemed rather underwhelming. I still got up, and had my coffee and planned my day to go outlet shopping with Little K. The sun still rose in the east and set in the west. The only difference was that I changed my FB status to subtly reflect the day. Aside from that? Meh. It was a day. But as I wondered if AM was going to call, I realized that much like I had felt years before with B, I just was not up to hearing from her that night. THAT was overwhelming.... to talk to AM knowing M was there and it was her birthday and not wanting to wish her happy birthday. Or having to deal with the emotions if I was told I could.
Yet, 18 is proving to be a milestone in our relationship. AM and I chatted last Sun. And this Sun. And the day after M's birthday. She hasn't called, but she has been busy, I could tell when she commented on my birthday status at 9:30 that night. Instead she's IMed me. And that's an effort. She told me that she showed M a pic of Little K, that's HUGE to know that M and AM are talking about me, and that M knows we talk, knows she has a sister, and now knows what she looks like. Reunion has gone from a "one day" to "someday in the tangible future." AM said it will happen, and AM is OK with that. It's almost like 18 opened the floodgates, and now the water is washing over me, making me feel both revived and terrified that I'm going to somehow drown.
It's a lot to get my head around. And I still have a phone call to look forward to.
Eek :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Open Adoption Interview Project
Ok, so I'm a day late and a dollar short as usual :) But I'm still super excited to introduce you to Mama Bear over at "off my mind.but from my heart"! She's a mama to 2 little ones, one child adopted in an open adoption, and one in a closed adoption. I love how candid she is, how just open and loving and straightforward her blog posts are! So if you are looking for drama, save it for another blog, and head on over to say hi!!!
And if you want to check out some of the other interviews, click here and get to know the whole gang!
.
1. What is it about blogging that first appealed to you? Has that changed over the course of your blog?
At first I started blogging just to get things off my mind and then it became a place , maybe even the only place that I felt like I could be honest about my feelings on adoption. Also blogging has changed for me because at first I thought of it for just me to get on there and write and now it is more a community, it is as much about me reading other blogs as it is about me writing.
2. How do you think having one child in an open adoption and one in a closed will affect one another once the kids are older? (ie do you worry that Brother Bear may have certain feelings towards his search and birthmom because of Baby Bear's relationship and vice versa?)
This is a big concern for me. I guess it will all depend on how Brother Bear feels, he has a very private personality so he may not want the level of openness that his sister has or he may be sad he doesn't have it, I think it is one of those situations that we will have to play by ear and just see how he feels as he gets older. As crazy as it sounds I sometimes wonder if my daughter will ever wish she had less openness like her brother? and the same goes for her we will just take it as it comes, really that's all you can do.
3. How does Papa Bear factor into your adoption relationships? Do you wish he was more/less involved? Does his views color your own?
He is just as involved as I am, we are pretty much on the same page on this issue and I am very comfortable with how much he is involved, usually when it comes to the kids we kinda are both very involved on many levels, which I'm sure they will dislike in the upcoming years!
4. Be honest: what was your first impression/thoughts on adoption before it became a part of your life?
Even before I realized I was not or slim chance of me getting pregnant, I had an interest in adoption because I knew without a shadow of a doubt I could love a child no matter where they came from, I knew biology , for me was never an issue.
first, I never saw the loss in adoption, I truly thought it was a win, win, win situation. I was very unsure about the birth mom and kinda just figured she would be young, etc. it never occurred to me a birth mom would be in her mid-30's, which both of my children's were. that's really it, the biggest thing was the loss issue.
5. Tell me how you met Papa Bear
we were introduced ten years ago through a mutual friend that he went to high school with. pretty simple but so glad it happened!
6. If there was one message you'd like the average reader to take away from your blog in regards to adoption what would it be and why?
That even though adoption can be a wonderful thing, it is something that does not need to be entered into lightly or uneducated.
7. Give me your favorite moment in both your children's adoption journeys and why it is so special to you
My favorite moment with each of my children would probably be the first time I laid my eyes on them, to me that was a very special feeling to see my child for the first time.
8. And Quick! What is your favorite 80's song and what memory ( if any) it brings back :) ( had to get a fun one in there!)
for some crazy reason, Pour some Sugar on me, comes to mind, it reminds me of cruising with my friends and singing this song as loud as we could!
And if you want to check out some of the other interviews, click here and get to know the whole gang!
.
1. What is it about blogging that first appealed to you? Has that changed over the course of your blog?
At first I started blogging just to get things off my mind and then it became a place , maybe even the only place that I felt like I could be honest about my feelings on adoption. Also blogging has changed for me because at first I thought of it for just me to get on there and write and now it is more a community, it is as much about me reading other blogs as it is about me writing.
2. How do you think having one child in an open adoption and one in a closed will affect one another once the kids are older? (ie do you worry that Brother Bear may have certain feelings towards his search and birthmom because of Baby Bear's relationship and vice versa?)
This is a big concern for me. I guess it will all depend on how Brother Bear feels, he has a very private personality so he may not want the level of openness that his sister has or he may be sad he doesn't have it, I think it is one of those situations that we will have to play by ear and just see how he feels as he gets older. As crazy as it sounds I sometimes wonder if my daughter will ever wish she had less openness like her brother? and the same goes for her we will just take it as it comes, really that's all you can do.
3. How does Papa Bear factor into your adoption relationships? Do you wish he was more/less involved? Does his views color your own?
He is just as involved as I am, we are pretty much on the same page on this issue and I am very comfortable with how much he is involved, usually when it comes to the kids we kinda are both very involved on many levels, which I'm sure they will dislike in the upcoming years!
4. Be honest: what was your first impression/thoughts on adoption before it became a part of your life?
Even before I realized I was not or slim chance of me getting pregnant, I had an interest in adoption because I knew without a shadow of a doubt I could love a child no matter where they came from, I knew biology , for me was never an issue.
first, I never saw the loss in adoption, I truly thought it was a win, win, win situation. I was very unsure about the birth mom and kinda just figured she would be young, etc. it never occurred to me a birth mom would be in her mid-30's, which both of my children's were. that's really it, the biggest thing was the loss issue.
5. Tell me how you met Papa Bear
we were introduced ten years ago through a mutual friend that he went to high school with. pretty simple but so glad it happened!
6. If there was one message you'd like the average reader to take away from your blog in regards to adoption what would it be and why?
That even though adoption can be a wonderful thing, it is something that does not need to be entered into lightly or uneducated.
7. Give me your favorite moment in both your children's adoption journeys and why it is so special to you
My favorite moment with each of my children would probably be the first time I laid my eyes on them, to me that was a very special feeling to see my child for the first time.
8. And Quick! What is your favorite 80's song and what memory ( if any) it brings back :) ( had to get a fun one in there!)
for some crazy reason, Pour some Sugar on me, comes to mind, it reminds me of cruising with my friends and singing this song as loud as we could!
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