My sister told me. I was lying to myself. As I read my past blog entry, gosh, I can be in such a great denial to my own feelings and I've started lying to myself.
Have you ever been in a BGR (Boy-Girl relationship, note: not the normal 'steady' ones, just a relationship, like brother-sister, mum-daughter, relationship), where you're not technically his girlfriend, but a
> girl friend,
> confidant,
> working colleague all together?
Initially, I couldn't accept that I was like that to him. I cried, I moaned, I groaned for a week or so. It broke my heart that after all those nights of endless chatting over the phone and FB chat, he simply didn't see me that way.
But I realised, it's ok. In fact, it's better.
We're not technically together in that sense, but we've talked quite a lot since November and I feel I know him inside out. I know his inclinations, niat, future plans (this was the part that sucked, but I shall not reveal here; those who know, you know what it is), and so on.
We discuss his works (he explains to me, I ask and ask), plan future projects to work together, plan meet-ups to discuss those, him getting my opinion on his works and future options (which to me is a great deal, because he's not that insignificant to begin with).
Oh well, it's funny how a random Facebook add can churn out a full-page package on a local paper, future projects, future stories, tipoffs, discussions. This is what I call a meaningful friendship.
I think it's more of a working relationship. Unsaid, I feel we need each other in our work. He needs my power as a scribe to review and enlighten the public on his work/s, someone who understands his works to talk to whilst I need a referee for my stories, tipoffs, knowledge on certain issues like languages and culture. So, we complement and support each other's endeavours quite a bit.
It's interesting how I learn that there are more than just parent-offspring, boyfriend-girlfriend, sibling-sibling relationships. A good example is the complicated relationship I have as mentioned above.
We're close, but not close. We're together, but we're not. We chat endlessly. He calls me, meets up with me. We're personal, but we're not personal. We're colleagues, but we're not. I argued and fought with him before, and him getting pissed with me and not talking for a week, but we make up and start the nonsense again. He cusses and I laugh.
It's a highly complicated relationship but thank God I'm clear about it.. Anyway, alhamdulillah God made me meet up with him and him to me. It is a win-win relationship. Let's just hope nothing bad ever comes our way and destroy the already complicated relationship.
Dipetik daripada majalah Sutra, edisi Januari 2011
Saya sekadar berkongsi buat rujukan semua rakan-rakan saya! :) Saya rasa maklumat ini sangat penting!
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Jika ingin jadi wanita idaman jejaka, ketahui apakah yang boleh membuat mereka dahagakan kehadiran anda.
1) KELEMBUTAN
Lelaki inginkan wanita yang memiliki ciri-ciri kelembutan. Bagaimanapun, tidak bermaksud wanita itu harus lemah, terlalu bergantung padanya atau sebagainya. Sebaliknya, mereka mahukan wanita yang baik hati, lemah lembut dan prihatin pada segala yang mereka inginkan.
2) BERKEYAKINAN
Lelaki mencari wanita yang berkeyakinan, bijak dan tidak terlalu menurut. Namun ia bukan bermakna anda harus menjadi seorang yang degil. Apa yang mereka inginkan ialah wanita yang bersedia mempertahankan haknya jika kena pada tempatnya.
3) PENGGODA
Semasa detik awal perkenalan, lelaki mencari wanita yang suka menggoda tetapi tidak melibatkan sebarang sentuhan seksual. Mereka tidak suka wanita mengambil langkah pertama atau mengeluarkan komen berbaur seksual.
4) MEMAHAMI
Lelaki mudah jatuh cinta pada wanita yang lebih memahami dirinya. Mereka sukakan wanita yang dapat menerima diri mereka seadanya, memahami masalah mereka dan mampu meredakan diri mereka tanpa leteran.
5) LUCU
Setelah seharian bekerja, lelaki mencari wanita yang dapat menjadi pereda tekanan dan oleh itu, inginkan seseorang yang dapat membuat hati mereka senyum dan ketawa. Ia merupakan ciri yang mampu bertahan sampai bila-bila.
6) HORMAT
Apa yang lelaki perlukan ialah rasa hormat daripada wanita. Usah sekali-kali menjatuhkan air mukanya di hadapan teman atau di tempat awam. Jika ingin mengkritik sekali pun, lakukan dengan gurauan.
With so many things and events in my life taking 360 degree turns, I wonder.. How much time do I actually have in this world?
It was a question I always avoided because I thought one must live life without such unnecessary morbid thoughts. But right now, I've actually started to think about it.
Have I done enough good deeds? Have I helped my ailing community? How long do I have left to experience the beauty of this world? What have I lost? What have I gained? Whom have I hurt? Whom have I loved? Who has loved me? Who has hated me? Whom have I hurt? Have I forgiven? Have I smiled more and cried less? Have I cried more in fact?
It all came back to me a few minutes back, after a twitter exchange between me and Nuaqueen. It hit upon me. Work, work, work. Have I lost what it means to be HUMAN in chasing the need to be human?
Precisely, my feelings now, the song below. Oh gosh, it's hard. It's really hard for me, but I'm attempting to move on. Attempting badly, desperately to move on.
And it's seriously not funny when he raised the issue again yesterday. It really wasn't funny. I'm still licking my wounds and there he was tearing it open again savagely without a care.
I can accept that we can be best friends, friends. In fact, I appreciate our friendship even more so now!
But, my God, there was really no need to SMS me yesterday and evoke the whole issue again right? My God, I was in a bad state yesterday, physically and mentally drained from assignments the whole day, and there you were, SMSing me in a serious tone and raking up what I thought to be a thing of the past.
Tapi demi persahabatan kita, for our friendship's sake, I'll overlook this and continue to be your best friend, insya allah.
But let me say, if it can work out, let it NOT be a compromise on your side nor mine; but if it doesn't work out, it's ok because I've pledged my allegiance to you as a best friend.
--------------------------------------------
Bila Cinta OST Lagenda Budak Setan
Bila cinta kini tak lagi bermakna yang ku rasa kini hanyalah nestapa Ditinggalkan cinta masa lalu. Dulu kau tawarkan manisnya janjimu yang ku sambut itu dengan segenap hatiku hingga engkau pergi tinggalkanku
Hilangnya cintamu menusuk hatiku hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana Perginya dirimu merobek jantungku hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan.
Hilangnya cintamu menusuk hatiku hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana Perginya dirimu merobek jantungku hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan.
--------------------------------------------
I'm strong, but sometimes, I can crumble. I'm human. I may be hard on the outside, my core is hollow and dusty with pain.
Lucky I have a lot of work now, to distract me. My work is piling up like crazy. I realise the value of urgency. I should do up my stories latest the day after the event, so it would still be fresh on my mind.
8 stories down, 15 to go! (Luckily most are timeless pieces).
I went for a meeting at office just now. And perhaps cracked everyone with my nonsense and jokes. But only God knew, how I was feeling inside.
How I was feeling so sad, disappointed and so tired, all rolled into one. Maybe I was tired physically, because I slept at around 4am, yet waking up at 8am to conduct interviews and file stories before 12 or 1pm. Maybe I was just tired from being in front of the laptop everyday, 12-15 hours at a time.
I have so many things going on in my life,
I have so many things I want to achieve,
I have so many disappointments to grapple with,
I have so many wounds to nurse,
I have so much tears to stave off,
I have so many negative thoughts to block,
I have so much fatigue.
Have you ever ever felt so emotionally- and physically-drained, that you feel you don't have anymore feelings at all? You feel so desensitized, you've lost the humanity in you. You've lost the essence of being human. You've become fake to the world, fake to your truth.
It doesn't help that the person you once had feelings for keep busting the boundaries to abuses and cussing, all to annoy you. It may be funny, but every day? It's not, and especially when you're in a fragile state of mind. Fragility, where even perhaps, mortality seemed possible.
It really isn't a laughing matter. It's obscenely NOT funny. I've stopped laughing sincerely and smiling truthfully. I feel so fake. But I cannot show the world my melancholy can I? I feel the need to portray a smile, project a laugh, pretend to be happy to the world. I may not want to appear... weak.
Why am I writing like this? Ish.
I've been blessed with a work I love, but in that, I lose myself.
When I've been blessed with fulfillment and enjoyment, I lose the work.
We can never have both, can we? At least for me, though.
I listen to this song. He listens to this song. And we are merrily sharing our favourite, and usually same, songs.
One of which is 'Permata untuk Isteri' (Diamonds for Wives), by Koptrasa, which I felt so madly jiwang after listening to it. I imagined someone singing it to me. :)
To me, I think this is a prayer/reminder from husbands to wives on leading this life. It may seem chauvinistic at first glance, because it seems like the husband is instructing the woman this and that.
But at further observation, you can see that it is a subtle way of showing love and the proper etiquette of being a wife. There are some influences of Islam as well, though you can still grasp the meaning literally.
Telah ku siapkan satu daerah paling sunyi
dalam hati ini untuk kau isi
sebagai isteri
Untuk kau penuhi
dengan kemuliaan seorang wanita
untuk kau
dengan kelembutan
untuk kau hargai
dengan kasih sayang
Ku ingin kau jadi wanita mulia
yang tahu harga budi dan hati
seorang lelaki bernama suami
Kerana kau, isteri
ku ingin kau mengerti
bahawa hidup ini
tak semudah yang kita janjikan,
yang kita janjikan
kerana kau, isteriku
Untuk kau penuhi
dengan kemuliaan seorang wanita
untuk kau
dengan kelembutan
untuk kau hargai
dengan kasih sayang
Ku ingin kau jadi wanita mulia
yang tahu harga budi dan hati
seorang lelaki bernama suami
Kerana kau, isteri
ku ingin kau mengerti
bahawa hidup ini
tak semudah yang kita janjikan,
yang kita janjikan
kerana kau, isteriku
==================================
Simple translation by me for non-Malay friends. Definitely, the Malay lyrics are more impactful, as per any other language translations :)
I've prepared a special, silent place
in my heart for you to fulfill
as my wife
For you to fill
with the virtues of a woman
For you to fill
with care
For you to appreciate
with love
I hope for you to be a virtuous woman
who knows the value of the heart and the soul
of a man called the husband.
Because you, my wife,
need you to understand
that life
isn't as easy as promised
that we promised, my wife.
==================================
==================================
Hello again, for those who read this blog. :) It's been quite some time since I last posted yeah. I've been madly writing in my physical diary. The wonders and beauty of writing, the thought process and penning it down in black and white.. Subhanallah, nikmat menulis.
I always feel better after writing a diary entry. They're usually about 4-5 A5 pages long. I never fail to feel relieved, relieved from bubbling anger, raging sadness, too much love, being over the moon, etc. Writing in the diary puts things into perspective and controls me as a person. And I'm free! Free to write whatever I wish. Nobody, no editor, no desker can stop me. I am my own reporter and editor of my life. :)
Sang pendatang
oleh Nurul 'Ain
Sang pendatang berkelana ke mari
berbaju putih kapas, beralas kaki hitam
menerjah liku-liku hidup emrantau,
merungkai nasib dan kisah pilu.
Sang pendatang tercari-cari hala,
tidak berpulang dan tidak berpergi,
kejap tangannya menggenggam
secebis harapan berderai
sekelumit kenangan terhempas.
Sang pendatang mencari sesuap nasi,
tak kira pagi petang, siang malam,
buat anak isteri
di bumi pertiwi.
And now, I leave you with a heartbreaking, jiwang song, OST tearjerker (which I sorely missed the point..) Lagenda Budak Setan film. Do listen to it. Even you, Xiao Yan. :)
Hi guys, if you guys have been wondering what the heck's going on with me nowadays, here's the entry you may wish to peruse!
Well, I'm currently in my semester holiday and will resume my undergraduate studies in approximately two weeks' time. I'm a lil halfhearted on resuming school. It means more travelling hours and exhaustion beyond belief (ok, that's dramatic of me).
If you haven't known yet, I am still a freelance journalist/writer/what-say-you.
But of late, I'm wondering whether this is what I wanna do? I mean, come on, will this help me when I'm being questioned in my afterlife? What have I done for my ailing community? What have I, as a learned individual, have done for the society? Zilch. None. And I am so gonna get into trouble with God for this.
As such, I've been contemplating. I wanna save up for a degree/certificate/diploma in psychology/counselling/the like. Did you know that I secretly wish to be a counsellor for kids and youths? :) I thought it'd be a great way to help those in need, by reaching out to them directly. It'd be much more satisfying than journalism I bet.
I was thinking of Kaplan, or maybe, for an added kick, study in Malaysia. Maybe in UKM, or UM. They're recognised in Singapore anyway. :) Right?
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Got a few projects in the pipeline, both in journalism and other aspects. I just hope I can divide my time carefully enough. Insya allah.
