There is a reason that I have this song posted below from the muppets on here. We went on Christmas Eve to the muppet movie. The whole time Bennett kept calling them muffins and now he sings this song all the time. It is really cute. He has also developed a talent for picking up lyrics easily that he hears in the car. He had just heard this first one earlier in the day and was singing it all afternoon. He is so cute. It definitely makes me think though about the lyrics of songs.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Merry Christmas to all!
So last week Dallin had to re-install the computer because it was slower than molasses, but because of that really nothing is set up and that includes my access to our photo's. So I will post some soon, when I figure that out, but I had a few minutes so I thought I would write a little update on us all.
We had a super fun Christmas! Every year the kids get more and more into it and it just makes everything so magical, and exhausting, the good kind though. I was really tired Sunday night. On Monday morning I woke up sick with no voice. So I have been wearing a mask all week in hopes that the kids won't catch this cold before school. I am doing much better now, but still trying to be cautious. my immune system has been really not great this year, I am going to see if I can make it a little stronger.
The kids all got super fun things from Santa and they have been playing really hard ever since. I think Brinley had the best time of all and she hasn't stopped playing for pretty much anything. Some fun memories from this year will be how excited they were each morning with our different count downs. Christmas morning for sure. But also the great idea of Porter getting mailed to the North Pole followed by video's from Santa. For those who don't know the story, Porter woke up a couple days before Christmas with the idea that he wanted to get in a box and get mailed to the North Pole to see if they were on the naughty or nice list. he invited all the kids and they had boxes and they spent half the day sitting in them scheming on what they were going to do. He was going to sit in the box and have the mail lady take them there. He got all the kids ready and wrote on their boxes. He had it all planned out. Their plans for getting home began with the idea of sneaking onto Santa's sled and then having me wait for them on the roof on Christmas Eve, and then ended with them each having baggies of oatmeal to feed the reindeer to bribe them into flying them home that night instead. Porter told me I could wait on the roof and they should get back about dinnertime. If any of you have had to face Porter's real determination when he has an idea then you will know that when he has his mind made up to do something it is really hard to tell him otherwise. I started to get really worried when it was getting closer to the time the mail comes and he was still very intent on getting mailed. Luckily a friend sent me a link to a site where Santa makes a video with their name and tells them if they have been naughty or nice. I told them that Santa figured out about their plan and did not want them to freeze on the way to the North Pole so he made them a video instead. It was a big hit, but Porter was still a little disappointed to not go to the north Pole, but it made for a very fun day. All the kids were way into it and I got great pictures of little people in boxes. The best is one of Bennett in his box and the lid is closed and he reached out an arm to wave good bye. My kids are hilarious!
I haven't written very much lately because I have been having some health issues. I have had some very serious back pain off and on for over a year now that has spread to other areas including my hands. It depends on the day but for the last few months it has hurt to really do anything with them, including writing or typing. My flare up has really gone down and I am doing quite a bit better. I am still dealing with pain but it is much more manageable, and overall I am mostly having pretty good days. I am not able to do much yet as far as what I can usually do, but I am really hoping to maintain where I am at. My family doctor thinks it is rheumatoid arthritis, and I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in April. That is how long it takes to get in. As for now we are treating it like it is rheumatoid arthritis and I am trying to be very vigilant on pain meds to manage the pain. I notice a big difference when I miss even one time. On my right hand my first two fingers are noticeably twisting so I am thinking it probably is some type of arthritis, and with all that is going on I think it probably is rheumatoid arthritis. It depends on my level of pain, but for the most part I feel confident that I will be able to figure this out and come up with a good treatment plan.
Other than that we are all doing good. The kids have learned a lot in how to help out on my bad days, and it is a little sad in the mornings when they ask how bad my back is, or if my hands are really stiff, but it is what is going on and they are learning good things so I try not to feel guilty that they know I am human. Dallin as always is amazing. He has really stepped in and taken up all the things I can't do. I never have to ask for help with the dishes or the housework I really can't manage he just takes care of it. Most days he calls or comes home and says 'what am I making for dinner'? I am so grateful that we can work as a team. He is the greatest and I love him so much for all he does.
I hope this wonderful time of year finds you all well. I love this time to think about the birth of Jesus Christ. It seems every year I learn more of how much he loves us all and understands us. I am again grateful for those lessons. I will post some pictures soon, but for now you can check out Dallin's blog on the side of my blog is the link and there are tons of funny pictures on there of the kids.
Merry Christmas and Happy New year!
We had a super fun Christmas! Every year the kids get more and more into it and it just makes everything so magical, and exhausting, the good kind though. I was really tired Sunday night. On Monday morning I woke up sick with no voice. So I have been wearing a mask all week in hopes that the kids won't catch this cold before school. I am doing much better now, but still trying to be cautious. my immune system has been really not great this year, I am going to see if I can make it a little stronger.
The kids all got super fun things from Santa and they have been playing really hard ever since. I think Brinley had the best time of all and she hasn't stopped playing for pretty much anything. Some fun memories from this year will be how excited they were each morning with our different count downs. Christmas morning for sure. But also the great idea of Porter getting mailed to the North Pole followed by video's from Santa. For those who don't know the story, Porter woke up a couple days before Christmas with the idea that he wanted to get in a box and get mailed to the North Pole to see if they were on the naughty or nice list. he invited all the kids and they had boxes and they spent half the day sitting in them scheming on what they were going to do. He was going to sit in the box and have the mail lady take them there. He got all the kids ready and wrote on their boxes. He had it all planned out. Their plans for getting home began with the idea of sneaking onto Santa's sled and then having me wait for them on the roof on Christmas Eve, and then ended with them each having baggies of oatmeal to feed the reindeer to bribe them into flying them home that night instead. Porter told me I could wait on the roof and they should get back about dinnertime. If any of you have had to face Porter's real determination when he has an idea then you will know that when he has his mind made up to do something it is really hard to tell him otherwise. I started to get really worried when it was getting closer to the time the mail comes and he was still very intent on getting mailed. Luckily a friend sent me a link to a site where Santa makes a video with their name and tells them if they have been naughty or nice. I told them that Santa figured out about their plan and did not want them to freeze on the way to the North Pole so he made them a video instead. It was a big hit, but Porter was still a little disappointed to not go to the north Pole, but it made for a very fun day. All the kids were way into it and I got great pictures of little people in boxes. The best is one of Bennett in his box and the lid is closed and he reached out an arm to wave good bye. My kids are hilarious!
I haven't written very much lately because I have been having some health issues. I have had some very serious back pain off and on for over a year now that has spread to other areas including my hands. It depends on the day but for the last few months it has hurt to really do anything with them, including writing or typing. My flare up has really gone down and I am doing quite a bit better. I am still dealing with pain but it is much more manageable, and overall I am mostly having pretty good days. I am not able to do much yet as far as what I can usually do, but I am really hoping to maintain where I am at. My family doctor thinks it is rheumatoid arthritis, and I have an appointment with a rheumatologist in April. That is how long it takes to get in. As for now we are treating it like it is rheumatoid arthritis and I am trying to be very vigilant on pain meds to manage the pain. I notice a big difference when I miss even one time. On my right hand my first two fingers are noticeably twisting so I am thinking it probably is some type of arthritis, and with all that is going on I think it probably is rheumatoid arthritis. It depends on my level of pain, but for the most part I feel confident that I will be able to figure this out and come up with a good treatment plan.
Other than that we are all doing good. The kids have learned a lot in how to help out on my bad days, and it is a little sad in the mornings when they ask how bad my back is, or if my hands are really stiff, but it is what is going on and they are learning good things so I try not to feel guilty that they know I am human. Dallin as always is amazing. He has really stepped in and taken up all the things I can't do. I never have to ask for help with the dishes or the housework I really can't manage he just takes care of it. Most days he calls or comes home and says 'what am I making for dinner'? I am so grateful that we can work as a team. He is the greatest and I love him so much for all he does.
I hope this wonderful time of year finds you all well. I love this time to think about the birth of Jesus Christ. It seems every year I learn more of how much he loves us all and understands us. I am again grateful for those lessons. I will post some pictures soon, but for now you can check out Dallin's blog on the side of my blog is the link and there are tons of funny pictures on there of the kids.
Merry Christmas and Happy New year!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Some days Autism is the pits!
I try really hard not to complain so I hope none of this sounds like I am, that is not my intent. The last few weeks have been wonderful in so many ways but really tough in others. Yesterday everything came to a head and as I was laying awake last night I just couldn't help thinking that no matter how many books I read, or classes I take, no matter how much I advocate and educate others, at the end of the day my boys are autistic and because of that life is just harder and I can't protect them from it. As a mother that is a really painful thing to accept. We want to be able to protect them from everything and we can't. Next weekend we have the autism walk. I am so excited about it. It is so wonderful to see all these families and friends come together and show these people who spend their lives with autism, how much we love, respect and honor what they do. I wanted to make this post honor what my boys do, and who they are. I hope that comes across, when I describe some of their challenges.
They say that knowing one child with autism is knowing "ONE" child with autism. Not every autistic person has the same challenges and personality traits. I have always known and seen that, but now having two diagnosed kids I see it even more. How could two brothers with autism have completely different problems? Often what one needs sets the other off into a melt down. For the most part they get along wonderfully. It can be a perfect relationship, neither one is pushing the other to emotionally connect, or to stop doing an odd behavior because they aren't even aware of it. They enjoy each other and have fun together. They worry about each other and love each other. But things can be intense for them when one of them needs something to help meet a need they are having at the time and it is at the price of the other, there is absolutely no understanding of someone else's needs for either of them. They are not selfish kids, and how they react to this is not in the intent to be selfish or unkind it is just a natural result of the autism. They do not read social situations and they are not aware of give and taking in relationships. For example yesterday Bennett woke up and I knew it was going to be a rough day for him. Sensory wise he was off the charts, everything was heightened, even putting on his clothes was overwhelming. The other kids talking and getting ready for school was too much for him, it was too loud. His anxiety was through the roof which means that everything became a issue. I felt guilty for even sending him to school, but I am grateful to know that on days like that everyone at Pingree is equipped to cope and help him. Porter is a little different in his difficult days. Bennett has a very short fuse and reacts immediately, but usually can be calmed and comforted again quickly and he can move on and go to the next task. Because of this he usually has multiple lash outs in a day. Porter has a longer fuse, but when he does finally react to all that is pent up he is so overwhelmed and he will completely shut down and it can take days, weeks and sometimes months to get him back on track. It depends on the day, but usually I am more afraid of Porter melting down than Bennett. At least with Bennett I know it will end. Transition honestly for Porter could not be going better, but we know that this is hard and that means consequences. We have prepared for them, the school is prepared for them, we are consistently communicating and watching for them. He has been escalating for awhile, and yesterday I could tell I needed to work my hardest to help him. Unfortunately it was also a tough day for Bennett. Both had their own needs. Bennett screams, cries, hits, bites, punches, and pulls your hair when he has "had It". He can't handle any sound or pretty much anyone. He needs to be held and given a lot of deep pressure to calm down, and he runs and runs and runs. Lights, sound, clothes, and people become very overwhelming and we just have to decrease them. Porter needs to Stem, which for him can be making sounds with his mouth, he spins, and hits his head on the couch, he will watch tv because it is calming, and he can also get pretty emotional. So Porter is spinning and making noises to calm down, Bennett is screaming and hitting because he can't handle Porter's noises, then Porter is screaming because he can't handle Bennett's screaming because it is overwhelming him. Then Bennett is running because he can't handle Porter's screaming and then Porter is crying because he can't handle the running. I send them both to completely different parts of the house and I try to go back and forth to help them while doing my best to keep the girls away so they won't get hurt, and also so that they won't make it worse. I then feel bad for the girls because they have been missing their brothers all day and they just want to play and talk to them and they can't understand that their brothers really can't. And so it goes.
This was yesterday, so anyways we went to my sweet nieces Birthday party. Now most days are like this, and sometimes they can be calm and handle things and others they can't but there is not always a way of knowing. In hindsight I should have just told myself that they just shouldn't try and be in a social environment, but that is hindsight. So we are there and the boys are a MESS! Bennett will sometimes get so upset his nose will bleed, he had 3 bloody noses in 40 min, again that should have been my cue that he just can't do it today, but I pushed on. Porter probably told me 6 times, I need to get away and have a break. I kept trying to tell him to sit in a chair and calm down, but I should have really found him somewhere quite where he was more alone. He kept telling me until he came up to me and said Mom, I really need to get out if here everything is just making me crazy. I told him he could go get in the car and as soon as we were done watching presents being opened I would get the kids and we would go. He was so relieved and said he was going to go potty and then meet me there. The next thing I know Nickelle runs in saying Porter did something naughty and I start telling her about how it is ok I told him to go out to the car, and she says no he threw up. I go into the bathroom and sure enough he had thrown up. When I asked him about it he said he was pulling down his pants to go potty and all the sudden it got really loud and he said his body felt too crazy and the throw up just came out. He does this quite often where he becomes so overwhelmed his body will literally react like this and try to get it out. If you have ever experienced intense anxiety I think you can relate. Your body will get to a point where it needs to do something to get rid of all of that. So I was mortified, I felt terrible that he got sick at their house. I felt awful for their family and I felt awful that I just wasn't paying enough attention to what both my boys were really needing right then. Luckily Dallin had gotten there a few minutes before and he was able to clean it up while I got all the kids out in the car. It took awhile to calm Porter down after because it is really upsetting to him when this happens but he was able to sleep just fine and he was nice and calm this morning.
So last night after all that I couldn't help but lay awake and just feel bad for my boys. I can't imagine how hard it is too feel like that all the time. To hear every sound magnified, to have everything that touches you magnified, to have people all day long demanding you to look at them in their eyes when your whole body and brain is telling you, you can't because it is too much. All day long my boys work at fighting every instinct they have and repressing it. They work at doing the opposite of what instinct and need is telling them to do. Now don't get me wrong, it is this work that is going to make the most difference in their lives. But it is hard to watch sometimes. I can't imagine having to do that, ALL THE TIME. I also felt sad for the girls. They were the reason I went. I kept thinking I can't go, I can't pull this off. Dallin was at the temple with the young men, and it was just me and I knew they were on overload, but since school has begun, we have not been able to do anything, because everyday is like this. Often Dallin and I have to choose do we meet the boys needs, and keep them away, or do we meet the girls needs and make sure they have these experiences. I choose the girls. Either way I am never making the wrong choice, but someone else is affected by that decision. I figure as a family we are all united and we all have to give and take for the benefit of each other. So often the girls are asked and told that we can't do something to help meet the needs of their brothers. My girls do so much sacrificing and are really so understanding. More than other kids their age. But it is great to be able to show them that we make sure the boys are also doing the same for them.
Ok I am going to admit it before I do it, but this is a little bit of a complaint. As the caregiver it is exhausting having to be someone else's brain, let alone two little people's brains. I have to analyze and see every situation. It is like constantly watching for a time bomb to explode. You have to learn to read every cue beforehand so that you can prevent the explosion. Once the bomb has gone off there is nothing more you can do, except damage control. You learn and train yourself to become very good at watching and reading cue's. My boys can't usually tell me what is affecting them, I have to learn to piece it together. I am becoming and excellent detective. Every action I make I know there can be long term consequences for. I am constantly thinking everything out. When I tell people my brain is on overload, I am being sincere. You also have to learn to think out ways to productively push them, you have to have the best control of the situation as possible and then you have to slowly light the fuse and then push them as hard as you can to make them put their own fuse back out. You do this over and over and over again until finally they succeed, and then you celebrate big time! The rewarding thing of it all is seeing them grow and knowing that they have just done the impossible and made it possible.
It is hard many days though to know that really unless you have to think like me, you don't think like me. Meaning that I feel like I can be hard to relate to, and even harder to relate too are the boys. Autism is a foreign language that very few people know how to speak. We have spent years preparing Porter to get to this point, and now we have him out there, in an environment where literally no one has to think like him. I have spent 7 years training myself and working in every way possible to think like him, to read him, and respond effectively. I have helped him learn to communicate so much of that on his own now, but it is still very hard for him to do this really independently. This hurtle is his most important hurtle yet, and I know he will succeed, but it is the first time for all of us, that we are doing this where no one around him has been trained to think like him. Prayers have been answered once again and it is undeniable how involved as usual the Lord is. He is in the absolute best class, best teacher, best special ed teacher in the district and we have all got along wonderfully. I am doing my best to sit back and let them do their thing in their own way, knowing that their way might even be better than mine. I have done my best to give them as much knowledge and understanding to help them on their end and that has been great as well. We are truly working as a team and it has been great. Since he was diagnosed my #1 fear has been and probably will always be, how will he be treated by his peers. Again this has been best case scenario. The kids are doing great, and they are including him. We went in and talked with them and they are accepting of him and enjoy him. They are learning to figure him out and they are doing great with that. Other kids in his grade are more confused about him, but the teacher has been working with the kids at being "bodyguards" for Porter. She has taught them how to make sure and tell the other kids that they need to be nice, and even explain why Porter might be doing something a little different. We are creating all these little advocates for him. They are doing a great job of that. There were some kids who were trying to kick soccer balls at Porter and the kids in his class have been looking out for him ever since. They aren't letting other kids hurt him. We talked to them and she has been talking to them about helping them tell Porter what they need from him. It has been going really well. He is happy to have friends. I know how much they mean to him because one day he had something happen at school and he made a really bad choice about how he reacted. As a consequence Dallin and I felt like he needed to throw away a game he had gotten for his birthday as a result. I know that is a pretty mean thing to do, but it was the right consequence. From that I learned how much he likes his friends though because he knew that by keeping the game it would lead to more difficult interactions with his friends and that wasn't worth it to him. I never thought he would ever choose people before an object. But even with all these wonderful things happening, it is hard to let go, and have to let the school and Porter struggle for awhile as they figure each other out. It is scary and like all things he is going through the growing pains of it all, but once again I feel like it couldn't be better.
Bennett is also going through a very dramatic change in his life. We are really for the first time having to push him against every instinct and reaction. He is working long hours and we are having to push him as far as we can. He enjoys school and it is a very hard worker. In some ways even more so than Porter, which if you have ever seen Porter you know that is amazing. He is so happy when he succeeds and he is so bright. A wise Doctor once told me we have to make everything so much worse before we can even begin to make even the littlest things better. We are there. Everything for him right now is just going to be worse, but the best part of all is now I have hindsight, I know all this painful pushing pays off BIG TIME! He is going to grown in ways I won't think possible, and in all the right ways for him. I know that prayers will also be answered for him. I can't choose for him what skill he will get and one he won't but I know that by leaving it in the Lord's hands they will get the right skills for them and their lives.
Once again I wrote a novel that no one in their right mind will want to read, but to me it is one thing I can do. When I see them struggle like this and I feel so helpless, and I take them places like at the store and people are giving me these looks like I am the worst parent they have ever seen to have a child reacting like that. I think to myself the best thing I can do is be open, by being open and honest about our daily life and our reality it is education. Education means a more understanding and accepting world for my boys. I also feel it is a way to honor them and what they do daily. Autistic children and children with special needs are the hardest working people I know. My boys are awesome in every way. They are "different, but not less". I hurt for them when things are so hard like right now, but they never cease to amaze me with their determination, to keep going, and keep working. I just had to post my thoughts out today, I needed to acknowledge how hard some days can be, and it helps me to remember how lucky we are and how much we have. My boys are awesome, what more needs to be said.
They say that knowing one child with autism is knowing "ONE" child with autism. Not every autistic person has the same challenges and personality traits. I have always known and seen that, but now having two diagnosed kids I see it even more. How could two brothers with autism have completely different problems? Often what one needs sets the other off into a melt down. For the most part they get along wonderfully. It can be a perfect relationship, neither one is pushing the other to emotionally connect, or to stop doing an odd behavior because they aren't even aware of it. They enjoy each other and have fun together. They worry about each other and love each other. But things can be intense for them when one of them needs something to help meet a need they are having at the time and it is at the price of the other, there is absolutely no understanding of someone else's needs for either of them. They are not selfish kids, and how they react to this is not in the intent to be selfish or unkind it is just a natural result of the autism. They do not read social situations and they are not aware of give and taking in relationships. For example yesterday Bennett woke up and I knew it was going to be a rough day for him. Sensory wise he was off the charts, everything was heightened, even putting on his clothes was overwhelming. The other kids talking and getting ready for school was too much for him, it was too loud. His anxiety was through the roof which means that everything became a issue. I felt guilty for even sending him to school, but I am grateful to know that on days like that everyone at Pingree is equipped to cope and help him. Porter is a little different in his difficult days. Bennett has a very short fuse and reacts immediately, but usually can be calmed and comforted again quickly and he can move on and go to the next task. Because of this he usually has multiple lash outs in a day. Porter has a longer fuse, but when he does finally react to all that is pent up he is so overwhelmed and he will completely shut down and it can take days, weeks and sometimes months to get him back on track. It depends on the day, but usually I am more afraid of Porter melting down than Bennett. At least with Bennett I know it will end. Transition honestly for Porter could not be going better, but we know that this is hard and that means consequences. We have prepared for them, the school is prepared for them, we are consistently communicating and watching for them. He has been escalating for awhile, and yesterday I could tell I needed to work my hardest to help him. Unfortunately it was also a tough day for Bennett. Both had their own needs. Bennett screams, cries, hits, bites, punches, and pulls your hair when he has "had It". He can't handle any sound or pretty much anyone. He needs to be held and given a lot of deep pressure to calm down, and he runs and runs and runs. Lights, sound, clothes, and people become very overwhelming and we just have to decrease them. Porter needs to Stem, which for him can be making sounds with his mouth, he spins, and hits his head on the couch, he will watch tv because it is calming, and he can also get pretty emotional. So Porter is spinning and making noises to calm down, Bennett is screaming and hitting because he can't handle Porter's noises, then Porter is screaming because he can't handle Bennett's screaming because it is overwhelming him. Then Bennett is running because he can't handle Porter's screaming and then Porter is crying because he can't handle the running. I send them both to completely different parts of the house and I try to go back and forth to help them while doing my best to keep the girls away so they won't get hurt, and also so that they won't make it worse. I then feel bad for the girls because they have been missing their brothers all day and they just want to play and talk to them and they can't understand that their brothers really can't. And so it goes.
This was yesterday, so anyways we went to my sweet nieces Birthday party. Now most days are like this, and sometimes they can be calm and handle things and others they can't but there is not always a way of knowing. In hindsight I should have just told myself that they just shouldn't try and be in a social environment, but that is hindsight. So we are there and the boys are a MESS! Bennett will sometimes get so upset his nose will bleed, he had 3 bloody noses in 40 min, again that should have been my cue that he just can't do it today, but I pushed on. Porter probably told me 6 times, I need to get away and have a break. I kept trying to tell him to sit in a chair and calm down, but I should have really found him somewhere quite where he was more alone. He kept telling me until he came up to me and said Mom, I really need to get out if here everything is just making me crazy. I told him he could go get in the car and as soon as we were done watching presents being opened I would get the kids and we would go. He was so relieved and said he was going to go potty and then meet me there. The next thing I know Nickelle runs in saying Porter did something naughty and I start telling her about how it is ok I told him to go out to the car, and she says no he threw up. I go into the bathroom and sure enough he had thrown up. When I asked him about it he said he was pulling down his pants to go potty and all the sudden it got really loud and he said his body felt too crazy and the throw up just came out. He does this quite often where he becomes so overwhelmed his body will literally react like this and try to get it out. If you have ever experienced intense anxiety I think you can relate. Your body will get to a point where it needs to do something to get rid of all of that. So I was mortified, I felt terrible that he got sick at their house. I felt awful for their family and I felt awful that I just wasn't paying enough attention to what both my boys were really needing right then. Luckily Dallin had gotten there a few minutes before and he was able to clean it up while I got all the kids out in the car. It took awhile to calm Porter down after because it is really upsetting to him when this happens but he was able to sleep just fine and he was nice and calm this morning.
So last night after all that I couldn't help but lay awake and just feel bad for my boys. I can't imagine how hard it is too feel like that all the time. To hear every sound magnified, to have everything that touches you magnified, to have people all day long demanding you to look at them in their eyes when your whole body and brain is telling you, you can't because it is too much. All day long my boys work at fighting every instinct they have and repressing it. They work at doing the opposite of what instinct and need is telling them to do. Now don't get me wrong, it is this work that is going to make the most difference in their lives. But it is hard to watch sometimes. I can't imagine having to do that, ALL THE TIME. I also felt sad for the girls. They were the reason I went. I kept thinking I can't go, I can't pull this off. Dallin was at the temple with the young men, and it was just me and I knew they were on overload, but since school has begun, we have not been able to do anything, because everyday is like this. Often Dallin and I have to choose do we meet the boys needs, and keep them away, or do we meet the girls needs and make sure they have these experiences. I choose the girls. Either way I am never making the wrong choice, but someone else is affected by that decision. I figure as a family we are all united and we all have to give and take for the benefit of each other. So often the girls are asked and told that we can't do something to help meet the needs of their brothers. My girls do so much sacrificing and are really so understanding. More than other kids their age. But it is great to be able to show them that we make sure the boys are also doing the same for them.
Ok I am going to admit it before I do it, but this is a little bit of a complaint. As the caregiver it is exhausting having to be someone else's brain, let alone two little people's brains. I have to analyze and see every situation. It is like constantly watching for a time bomb to explode. You have to learn to read every cue beforehand so that you can prevent the explosion. Once the bomb has gone off there is nothing more you can do, except damage control. You learn and train yourself to become very good at watching and reading cue's. My boys can't usually tell me what is affecting them, I have to learn to piece it together. I am becoming and excellent detective. Every action I make I know there can be long term consequences for. I am constantly thinking everything out. When I tell people my brain is on overload, I am being sincere. You also have to learn to think out ways to productively push them, you have to have the best control of the situation as possible and then you have to slowly light the fuse and then push them as hard as you can to make them put their own fuse back out. You do this over and over and over again until finally they succeed, and then you celebrate big time! The rewarding thing of it all is seeing them grow and knowing that they have just done the impossible and made it possible.
It is hard many days though to know that really unless you have to think like me, you don't think like me. Meaning that I feel like I can be hard to relate to, and even harder to relate too are the boys. Autism is a foreign language that very few people know how to speak. We have spent years preparing Porter to get to this point, and now we have him out there, in an environment where literally no one has to think like him. I have spent 7 years training myself and working in every way possible to think like him, to read him, and respond effectively. I have helped him learn to communicate so much of that on his own now, but it is still very hard for him to do this really independently. This hurtle is his most important hurtle yet, and I know he will succeed, but it is the first time for all of us, that we are doing this where no one around him has been trained to think like him. Prayers have been answered once again and it is undeniable how involved as usual the Lord is. He is in the absolute best class, best teacher, best special ed teacher in the district and we have all got along wonderfully. I am doing my best to sit back and let them do their thing in their own way, knowing that their way might even be better than mine. I have done my best to give them as much knowledge and understanding to help them on their end and that has been great as well. We are truly working as a team and it has been great. Since he was diagnosed my #1 fear has been and probably will always be, how will he be treated by his peers. Again this has been best case scenario. The kids are doing great, and they are including him. We went in and talked with them and they are accepting of him and enjoy him. They are learning to figure him out and they are doing great with that. Other kids in his grade are more confused about him, but the teacher has been working with the kids at being "bodyguards" for Porter. She has taught them how to make sure and tell the other kids that they need to be nice, and even explain why Porter might be doing something a little different. We are creating all these little advocates for him. They are doing a great job of that. There were some kids who were trying to kick soccer balls at Porter and the kids in his class have been looking out for him ever since. They aren't letting other kids hurt him. We talked to them and she has been talking to them about helping them tell Porter what they need from him. It has been going really well. He is happy to have friends. I know how much they mean to him because one day he had something happen at school and he made a really bad choice about how he reacted. As a consequence Dallin and I felt like he needed to throw away a game he had gotten for his birthday as a result. I know that is a pretty mean thing to do, but it was the right consequence. From that I learned how much he likes his friends though because he knew that by keeping the game it would lead to more difficult interactions with his friends and that wasn't worth it to him. I never thought he would ever choose people before an object. But even with all these wonderful things happening, it is hard to let go, and have to let the school and Porter struggle for awhile as they figure each other out. It is scary and like all things he is going through the growing pains of it all, but once again I feel like it couldn't be better.
Bennett is also going through a very dramatic change in his life. We are really for the first time having to push him against every instinct and reaction. He is working long hours and we are having to push him as far as we can. He enjoys school and it is a very hard worker. In some ways even more so than Porter, which if you have ever seen Porter you know that is amazing. He is so happy when he succeeds and he is so bright. A wise Doctor once told me we have to make everything so much worse before we can even begin to make even the littlest things better. We are there. Everything for him right now is just going to be worse, but the best part of all is now I have hindsight, I know all this painful pushing pays off BIG TIME! He is going to grown in ways I won't think possible, and in all the right ways for him. I know that prayers will also be answered for him. I can't choose for him what skill he will get and one he won't but I know that by leaving it in the Lord's hands they will get the right skills for them and their lives.
Once again I wrote a novel that no one in their right mind will want to read, but to me it is one thing I can do. When I see them struggle like this and I feel so helpless, and I take them places like at the store and people are giving me these looks like I am the worst parent they have ever seen to have a child reacting like that. I think to myself the best thing I can do is be open, by being open and honest about our daily life and our reality it is education. Education means a more understanding and accepting world for my boys. I also feel it is a way to honor them and what they do daily. Autistic children and children with special needs are the hardest working people I know. My boys are awesome in every way. They are "different, but not less". I hurt for them when things are so hard like right now, but they never cease to amaze me with their determination, to keep going, and keep working. I just had to post my thoughts out today, I needed to acknowledge how hard some days can be, and it helps me to remember how lucky we are and how much we have. My boys are awesome, what more needs to be said.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
No girls allowed
I had to share this because it is so funny. Porter came up to me this morning and wanted tape so he could put a picture on his bedroom door. We were rushing to get out the door so I told him I would tape it up later. Then I saw the picture and he let me know that it means "no girls allowed in his room". What a funny kid.
Fall means school
The kids are so happy that we are back in school. It is hard to believe that I now have three kids in school. It is also a big year because Porter is now attending the traditional school and Bennett started at Pingree. Both really big moves for the boys. They are doing amazing and handling it well. I am so proud of them. Nickelle started kindergarten which is another awesome milestone. She is having so much fun and has made a lot of cute friends. I am busy with therapy for Brinley in the mornings and that has been great to really focus on her. We pick up Nickelle and have lunch and then I get to spend nap time with Nickelle. I feel like it is the year of the girls and I am so happy about that. We will have a lot of fun. We have wonderful teachers and everyone is moving right a long. I will have to post a little more about the details of how they boys are doing but I just wanted to quickly post up some pictures.
Aren't my kids cute? The best is tiny Bennett in front of his great big school. It is hard to believe that someone that small can go to school, but there he is and he could not be happier. I am sure it will be a very fun year.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
We're alive I promise!
I have most definitely been slacking. It is not from a lack of stuff to write about but more from lack of time, and energy. Now it seems there is so much to write about I just feel overwhelmed, so instead I just will give an overall update on the goings on at our house.
Dallin is a machine. How he handles us, work, being young men's president, and bike riding I will never know. But he does it. A couple of weeks ago we went to Logan and stayed with our really close friends the Coburn family. Dallin did a relay with Todd in a triathlon and they ended up taking first. It was really fun to watch the whole thing and great for the kids to see Dallin get a medal. Lately we have really tried hard to get the kids to most of his races they love watching him and we get to spend more time with him. I also keep finding myself looking at him these days and thinking about how much I love him, how I can't imagine a better friend and partner. He is so good to us, and we love him so much.
Porter just graduated from Pingree and is now on summer break. The last day at Pingree was a little weird for me. I got pretty emotional. I just kept thinking back on everything that lead us there and where he is now because of it, and I am just so full of gratitude. I am grateful for the school, the program and the tremendous support we have had so we can go. What a gift it has been. Summer is not Porter's favorite thing but I have noticed that this year he has really had a good attitude about it. He hasn't been negative. He has been in a lot of trouble, but he is not shutting down and melting down which is huge progress. I need to spend more time remembering that, then just being frustrated with him. Unfortunately Porter and Bennett's autistic needs are different and often what one is needing is causing more problems to the other. It can be tiring for me, but this is a great learning time for Porter. As a family we all do things to support him with his needs and it is important for him to learn to do that with Bennett as well. He could not be more excited for first grade. We had an appointment yesterday at our local elementary school. He spent some time with the principal while I filed out papers with the secretary. They both took us around the school and I was able to really talk with the principal. I know it will be a great place for him. He has become really pretty cute about his autism. He knows he has autism and we talk about it. We talk about how it effects him. Where he may have to work harder than others, why sometimes the other kids don't understand him. He is aware that the kids at pingree have autism and we talk a lot about how even the kids at school can have different challenges with their autism. We have been talking a lot about Bennett's autism and remembering that things can be slower for him because it is harder for him to gain a skill. What has been cute is that Porter is really proud of his autism. He likes to tell people and he loves having kids asking him questions about it. It makes me feel like maybe we are doing something right.
Nickelle is into a lot of trouble these days. She does this when she needs attention. Which makes sense. The boys are both home which demands so much more of my time, and it also means she has to be that much more responsible. She has good days and bad but overall she is our sweet girl just trying to let me know she needs more time with me. Every night I read with the girls in their room at bedtime and we talk and giggle and I try to let them just talk to me about what is going on with them. I have come to really love this time and we have a lot of fun. She is also excited for school and it will be great for her to make more friends at school. She is growing up so much and she has become one of my favorite people to talk to everyday, because she loves to talk.
Bennett is struggling a little with Porter being home. All our structure has come undone because the routine has changed which is hard. He also has to deal with the noise level being a lot higher which can be hard for him. Overall though I feel like I am holding it together as best I can and we have been able to have some fun. We have found some great new tricks for him. The kid is amazing at puzzles. He can do 50 piece puzzles. I am going to buy a 100 piece next and see if he can do it, I am sure he can. This really calms him. We have also found some great ear plugs which have worked miracles at church. I have also found an app on the phone that makes white noise and he will wear ear phones when we go to the store and that seems to help a little. It depends on the day.
A short time ago we found out that Bennett has been accepted to Pingree. We decided to go ahead and send him there. I think it will be a great move for him, but I am nervous. He has never had to do intense therapy, but I think this will be just what he needs. The emotion of this decision really threw me. After we decided I felt so sad I just couldn't tell people he was going. I have just let myself take it a day at a time and when I have felt good about it I share it. If we haven't told you yet, sorry that was not intentional, now that it has been awhile since we have made the decision I keep forgetting to let people know. I am heartbroken that he won't be going to the preschool that his sister went to, and that he won't be going with his cousins. I am sad that when it comes down to it, he is autistic. I felt this with Porter. In the beginning I was sad but I had so much work to do. After things really fell into place and we got things going, and it started to slow down, that was when the sadness really caught up to me. The sadness has caught up to me. I find myself tearing up at random times, and I can feel myself being a little more self protective than normal. I can be sitting with a group of women and the conversation can suddenly be hard for me. I usually take a quick min and leave and then come back. Nothing wrong is being said or anything like that I just am hurting for my son. He will spend his life being autistic and my heart is breaking for him. Other times I can be perfectly fine but the grief seems to be a little unpredictable right now, so I can see myself being cautious. This will pass and the sensitivity will not be as strong, but this is just a piece of grief and you take it as it comes. I do feel bad though when the kids catch me crying. I try to remind myself that it is ok for them to see that, and I am always good about talking about why I am crying. I reassure them I am fine and that we are all going to be alright, I just feel a little sad and I just need to cry about it and then I can be happy about it again. The reason I am so open and honest about it with them is because as they grow they will feel this, and they will need to know how to handle it. I want them to see me express it, feel it, and then move forward. I never want them to feel ashamed or that they should hide those feelings, but I want them to know there is a way to move past them and heal. They seem to respond well to it and don't seem shaken up or anything by it. I making it sound like I have been sad a lot lately and really I haven't, I think of it as waves. The tide will come in with the emotions and I feel it for awhile but I know it will calm and settle. Sometimes I can predict and see the waves coming and other times they can really catch me off guard, but it is a part of our life and we have learned to accept it, and no longer fear it. We just remind each other that it will settle and we will heal a little more. All in all I can't believe the progress I have made through the years. I truly have learned how to let myself feel the grief but not let it take over. So I am also grateful for progress.
Our little Brinley has really come out of her shell and has become quite the social butterfly. She HAS to do what the big kids are doing and I never would have thought this but she has become our quirkiest child. Which is quite the accomplishment because my kids are pretty darn quirky. Her speech is slowly coming along. Her therapist seems more concerned about it than I am. But I just keep thinking that Brinley has always done things slowly and at her pace. We are really not seeing anything else that is concerning and I know she will continue to grow. She is talking but none of it makes sense and it is really hard to understand most words. She has been stuck on the same sound for a couple months now which is why I think the therapist is a little concerned about it, she should be moving past it, but the "p" sound has been really hard for her. She says "g" instead of "p". She has also become pretty good at throwing a fit. So we ignore it and then she moves on. All in all she is a typical 2 year old.
I am hanging in there. Summer can be really taxing on me, but we have done a good job trying to balance that out with some fun this year and it helps. I love having the kids here, but it has become harder and harder to manage 2 autistic kids when they are both struggling. A lot of that is just that in the school year I am not having as many straight hours in a day with both home, so it is different when they are here. I am catching up with some things around the house and not getting to half the things I planned out for myself, but I am proud of what I have accomplished. I feel like I am constantly learning something new which is great. I have read lots of fun books and have had fun making my own jewelry. I have learned a lot about bike racing and have watched A TON of it this summer. But I have found it to be really exciting and I do want to know if my favorite riders did well. More than anything though I have loved having time with Dallin. We go on a walk in the evening and just talk. I love it. He has spent more hours than he would ever want to admit watching my movies. They mostly consist of movies from classic literature. Because it is summer we have been able to do more fun activities and that has been a lot of fun. Whenever I have a stressful moment in the day I call him and he will laugh so hard that I will be laughing too. When I get off the phone I am much nicer to the kids about the naughty thing they just did because Dallin had me laughing first.
We just spent last week at youth conference together and I cannot say enough how fun that was. We had a great time and it was a deeply spiritual experience for me. I learned a lot about teenagers and I love the little stinkers. I learned how to be better at asking questions. Such as when a girl asks me if she can walk down to the camp next to us and say hi to a friend for five minutes, I need to have her clarify. Is this is a boyfriend or a girlfriend? That way when a guy shows up walking her back and hugging her I won't feel like such a moron for not knowing what she was doing. I also learned that just like toddlers you have to stand over them and say things like, now pick up the dish and put it away and clean your tent please. Don't sit down we are not done. Either my kids we were over were a little lazy or else they are all that way, but I think when it was time to take down camp they were a little disappointed in how much "actual work" I made sure they did. But they were so much fun. One boy we struggled a little bit with. He had a hard time being with the "family" (it was a Book of Mormon trek so we were the parents and they were the kids, for those of you who that makes no sense to, I am sorry I can't think of an easier way to explain it). For most activities they wanted us in our families and then we had time back at camp that was teaching time. He had a hard time with this. The funny thing about it was he was incredibly respectful to me, and was always making sure I was doing alright. If I asked him to stay he would. It was a lot harder when his friends showed up and I could see the internal battle of what he should do, if he looked over at me to see what I was thinking, I didn't have to say anything every time he would say no. I learned that he must love and respect his mother a lot. His parents are divorced and I am not sure how involved his Dad is, but he is a great kid, I just hope he won't get lost with the friends he has. This other boy though I struggled big time with. All these leaders when they found out he was going to be in our family kept telling us what a great kid he was. (I should clarify again, instead of the families being broken up within the ward they did it throughout the stake, you maybe were only were with one other kid in your ward. Again for those of you who have no clue what I am saying basically instead of it being with the kids they normally see at church to being with kids who attend at different times and in different buildings) We got up there and he didn't even try to be obedient. It made me So frustrated because of all I was told, I knew he should have been more than he was. Unfortunately a lot of those leaders ended up just as frustrated as we were and I think that we all think a little lower of him because of it. It was so frustrating. We would "talk" with him about it and he would say he would do better and then at the first opportunity he would take off. It was funny though I overheard him talking the first day to a girl in our ward and she was asking about his family. He said he hated his family. She asked who his parents were and he said Dallin and Season. She started freaking out and she was going on and on about how much she loves us and how all the kids in our ward were hoping they would be in our family. He just kept saying "really?". I thought it was funny because he had spent 0 time with us but yet he was judging us. What it had to do with more than anything was that he was not friends with any of the kids in our family. After that talk though he would just watch as all these kids from our ward and how they would react to us and he would look so confused. We had some good laughs about it. They reenacted so many scenes from the Book of Mormon and I cannot begin to describe how powerful that was. We had so many incredible leaders put their time and soul into this. All the "actors" did amazing. They really got into their parts and more than anything we all had one goal and that was to strengthen testimonies and help them have experiencse that help to recognize God's love for them. I could go on and on, so that means I should stop. In fact if you have even made it to the end of this, you should pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you are awesome for making it through this painfully long post. I will try and do better at keeping updates going.
Love to all,
Season
Dallin is a machine. How he handles us, work, being young men's president, and bike riding I will never know. But he does it. A couple of weeks ago we went to Logan and stayed with our really close friends the Coburn family. Dallin did a relay with Todd in a triathlon and they ended up taking first. It was really fun to watch the whole thing and great for the kids to see Dallin get a medal. Lately we have really tried hard to get the kids to most of his races they love watching him and we get to spend more time with him. I also keep finding myself looking at him these days and thinking about how much I love him, how I can't imagine a better friend and partner. He is so good to us, and we love him so much.
Porter just graduated from Pingree and is now on summer break. The last day at Pingree was a little weird for me. I got pretty emotional. I just kept thinking back on everything that lead us there and where he is now because of it, and I am just so full of gratitude. I am grateful for the school, the program and the tremendous support we have had so we can go. What a gift it has been. Summer is not Porter's favorite thing but I have noticed that this year he has really had a good attitude about it. He hasn't been negative. He has been in a lot of trouble, but he is not shutting down and melting down which is huge progress. I need to spend more time remembering that, then just being frustrated with him. Unfortunately Porter and Bennett's autistic needs are different and often what one is needing is causing more problems to the other. It can be tiring for me, but this is a great learning time for Porter. As a family we all do things to support him with his needs and it is important for him to learn to do that with Bennett as well. He could not be more excited for first grade. We had an appointment yesterday at our local elementary school. He spent some time with the principal while I filed out papers with the secretary. They both took us around the school and I was able to really talk with the principal. I know it will be a great place for him. He has become really pretty cute about his autism. He knows he has autism and we talk about it. We talk about how it effects him. Where he may have to work harder than others, why sometimes the other kids don't understand him. He is aware that the kids at pingree have autism and we talk a lot about how even the kids at school can have different challenges with their autism. We have been talking a lot about Bennett's autism and remembering that things can be slower for him because it is harder for him to gain a skill. What has been cute is that Porter is really proud of his autism. He likes to tell people and he loves having kids asking him questions about it. It makes me feel like maybe we are doing something right.
Nickelle is into a lot of trouble these days. She does this when she needs attention. Which makes sense. The boys are both home which demands so much more of my time, and it also means she has to be that much more responsible. She has good days and bad but overall she is our sweet girl just trying to let me know she needs more time with me. Every night I read with the girls in their room at bedtime and we talk and giggle and I try to let them just talk to me about what is going on with them. I have come to really love this time and we have a lot of fun. She is also excited for school and it will be great for her to make more friends at school. She is growing up so much and she has become one of my favorite people to talk to everyday, because she loves to talk.
Bennett is struggling a little with Porter being home. All our structure has come undone because the routine has changed which is hard. He also has to deal with the noise level being a lot higher which can be hard for him. Overall though I feel like I am holding it together as best I can and we have been able to have some fun. We have found some great new tricks for him. The kid is amazing at puzzles. He can do 50 piece puzzles. I am going to buy a 100 piece next and see if he can do it, I am sure he can. This really calms him. We have also found some great ear plugs which have worked miracles at church. I have also found an app on the phone that makes white noise and he will wear ear phones when we go to the store and that seems to help a little. It depends on the day.
A short time ago we found out that Bennett has been accepted to Pingree. We decided to go ahead and send him there. I think it will be a great move for him, but I am nervous. He has never had to do intense therapy, but I think this will be just what he needs. The emotion of this decision really threw me. After we decided I felt so sad I just couldn't tell people he was going. I have just let myself take it a day at a time and when I have felt good about it I share it. If we haven't told you yet, sorry that was not intentional, now that it has been awhile since we have made the decision I keep forgetting to let people know. I am heartbroken that he won't be going to the preschool that his sister went to, and that he won't be going with his cousins. I am sad that when it comes down to it, he is autistic. I felt this with Porter. In the beginning I was sad but I had so much work to do. After things really fell into place and we got things going, and it started to slow down, that was when the sadness really caught up to me. The sadness has caught up to me. I find myself tearing up at random times, and I can feel myself being a little more self protective than normal. I can be sitting with a group of women and the conversation can suddenly be hard for me. I usually take a quick min and leave and then come back. Nothing wrong is being said or anything like that I just am hurting for my son. He will spend his life being autistic and my heart is breaking for him. Other times I can be perfectly fine but the grief seems to be a little unpredictable right now, so I can see myself being cautious. This will pass and the sensitivity will not be as strong, but this is just a piece of grief and you take it as it comes. I do feel bad though when the kids catch me crying. I try to remind myself that it is ok for them to see that, and I am always good about talking about why I am crying. I reassure them I am fine and that we are all going to be alright, I just feel a little sad and I just need to cry about it and then I can be happy about it again. The reason I am so open and honest about it with them is because as they grow they will feel this, and they will need to know how to handle it. I want them to see me express it, feel it, and then move forward. I never want them to feel ashamed or that they should hide those feelings, but I want them to know there is a way to move past them and heal. They seem to respond well to it and don't seem shaken up or anything by it. I making it sound like I have been sad a lot lately and really I haven't, I think of it as waves. The tide will come in with the emotions and I feel it for awhile but I know it will calm and settle. Sometimes I can predict and see the waves coming and other times they can really catch me off guard, but it is a part of our life and we have learned to accept it, and no longer fear it. We just remind each other that it will settle and we will heal a little more. All in all I can't believe the progress I have made through the years. I truly have learned how to let myself feel the grief but not let it take over. So I am also grateful for progress.
Our little Brinley has really come out of her shell and has become quite the social butterfly. She HAS to do what the big kids are doing and I never would have thought this but she has become our quirkiest child. Which is quite the accomplishment because my kids are pretty darn quirky. Her speech is slowly coming along. Her therapist seems more concerned about it than I am. But I just keep thinking that Brinley has always done things slowly and at her pace. We are really not seeing anything else that is concerning and I know she will continue to grow. She is talking but none of it makes sense and it is really hard to understand most words. She has been stuck on the same sound for a couple months now which is why I think the therapist is a little concerned about it, she should be moving past it, but the "p" sound has been really hard for her. She says "g" instead of "p". She has also become pretty good at throwing a fit. So we ignore it and then she moves on. All in all she is a typical 2 year old.
I am hanging in there. Summer can be really taxing on me, but we have done a good job trying to balance that out with some fun this year and it helps. I love having the kids here, but it has become harder and harder to manage 2 autistic kids when they are both struggling. A lot of that is just that in the school year I am not having as many straight hours in a day with both home, so it is different when they are here. I am catching up with some things around the house and not getting to half the things I planned out for myself, but I am proud of what I have accomplished. I feel like I am constantly learning something new which is great. I have read lots of fun books and have had fun making my own jewelry. I have learned a lot about bike racing and have watched A TON of it this summer. But I have found it to be really exciting and I do want to know if my favorite riders did well. More than anything though I have loved having time with Dallin. We go on a walk in the evening and just talk. I love it. He has spent more hours than he would ever want to admit watching my movies. They mostly consist of movies from classic literature. Because it is summer we have been able to do more fun activities and that has been a lot of fun. Whenever I have a stressful moment in the day I call him and he will laugh so hard that I will be laughing too. When I get off the phone I am much nicer to the kids about the naughty thing they just did because Dallin had me laughing first.
We just spent last week at youth conference together and I cannot say enough how fun that was. We had a great time and it was a deeply spiritual experience for me. I learned a lot about teenagers and I love the little stinkers. I learned how to be better at asking questions. Such as when a girl asks me if she can walk down to the camp next to us and say hi to a friend for five minutes, I need to have her clarify. Is this is a boyfriend or a girlfriend? That way when a guy shows up walking her back and hugging her I won't feel like such a moron for not knowing what she was doing. I also learned that just like toddlers you have to stand over them and say things like, now pick up the dish and put it away and clean your tent please. Don't sit down we are not done. Either my kids we were over were a little lazy or else they are all that way, but I think when it was time to take down camp they were a little disappointed in how much "actual work" I made sure they did. But they were so much fun. One boy we struggled a little bit with. He had a hard time being with the "family" (it was a Book of Mormon trek so we were the parents and they were the kids, for those of you who that makes no sense to, I am sorry I can't think of an easier way to explain it). For most activities they wanted us in our families and then we had time back at camp that was teaching time. He had a hard time with this. The funny thing about it was he was incredibly respectful to me, and was always making sure I was doing alright. If I asked him to stay he would. It was a lot harder when his friends showed up and I could see the internal battle of what he should do, if he looked over at me to see what I was thinking, I didn't have to say anything every time he would say no. I learned that he must love and respect his mother a lot. His parents are divorced and I am not sure how involved his Dad is, but he is a great kid, I just hope he won't get lost with the friends he has. This other boy though I struggled big time with. All these leaders when they found out he was going to be in our family kept telling us what a great kid he was. (I should clarify again, instead of the families being broken up within the ward they did it throughout the stake, you maybe were only were with one other kid in your ward. Again for those of you who have no clue what I am saying basically instead of it being with the kids they normally see at church to being with kids who attend at different times and in different buildings) We got up there and he didn't even try to be obedient. It made me So frustrated because of all I was told, I knew he should have been more than he was. Unfortunately a lot of those leaders ended up just as frustrated as we were and I think that we all think a little lower of him because of it. It was so frustrating. We would "talk" with him about it and he would say he would do better and then at the first opportunity he would take off. It was funny though I overheard him talking the first day to a girl in our ward and she was asking about his family. He said he hated his family. She asked who his parents were and he said Dallin and Season. She started freaking out and she was going on and on about how much she loves us and how all the kids in our ward were hoping they would be in our family. He just kept saying "really?". I thought it was funny because he had spent 0 time with us but yet he was judging us. What it had to do with more than anything was that he was not friends with any of the kids in our family. After that talk though he would just watch as all these kids from our ward and how they would react to us and he would look so confused. We had some good laughs about it. They reenacted so many scenes from the Book of Mormon and I cannot begin to describe how powerful that was. We had so many incredible leaders put their time and soul into this. All the "actors" did amazing. They really got into their parts and more than anything we all had one goal and that was to strengthen testimonies and help them have experiencse that help to recognize God's love for them. I could go on and on, so that means I should stop. In fact if you have even made it to the end of this, you should pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you are awesome for making it through this painfully long post. I will try and do better at keeping updates going.
Love to all,
Season
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