The "No Heat" Saga Continues...

My mom told me that she tried to get my sister to fall asleep on Sunday night by lying in bed with her and holding her hand. Apparently, she regresses while manic - wants to hold my mom's hand to fall asleep?? And she'd fall asleep, and then keep waking up in a panic and reaching for my mom's hand again. My mom finally couldn't take it anymore. My sister decided to call a woman she used to nanny for, and has kept in touch with, to have her come pick her up. It was almost 11:00pm, and this woman has children. My mom talked to her, and told her she didn't have to come, it was late, my sister was manic, there was no reason for her to come get her... but she said she'd do anything for my sister, it was fine for her to spend a night with them, and she came and picked her up.

So yeah, my sister didn't end up sleeping in the guest room after all!

But my brother did.

Oh yes, he was there, too, and he's also a mess, just depressed instead of manic. So he decided to stay over. It's a good thing I didn't decide to stay Sunday night - I never would have gotten any sleep! I think maybe we actually did do the right thing by coming home and being a little cold (and we really weren't, once we were all bundled up and under a million blankets and comforters - Jordyn was toasty warm when I checked on her before I went to sleep, and also when she woke up in the morning). It was better than a night in the loony bin. And my mom was so stressed, she's still crying about that night, since she was dealing with two mentally ill children at once, plus me and Jordyn not having heat and ending up not staying there, and she didn't know what to do... Ugh.

The heat guy came yesterday evening, and discovered that the motor had blown out and needed to be replaced. Lovely. He had to get a new motor today and come back to install it, and it was only getting colder in here (and outside), so Jordyn and I spent last night (Monday) at my parents' house. They'd left for NY yesterday for a few days, so no one was there except for us. And then we spent the entire day hanging out there today, since we didn't have any plans, and our house was freezing. Plus, we were both tired since she woke up at 5am and didn't go back to sleep. We came home at 5:00 for the heat guy (at which point the temp in the house was 40, outside was 20), who'd wanted to come a little earlier, but Jordyn was sleeping when he texted, so I pushed it back a little. The heat guy replaced the motor, but discovered a second but unrelated issue that he couldn't have found until there was a working motor, which is some little switch that isn't working. He overrode it so the heat would come on, but it'll go back off as soon as it hits the target temp on the thermostat. He showed me how to override it again later tonight or in the morning when it goes back off, and he's coming back tomorrow for a third (and hopefully final!) time to replace the switch. Ugh.

My sister's in the hospital. We're not entirely sure how she ended up there, although we do know she does need to be there. My mom called me this morning, and informed me that the emergency department of the hospital she'd been taken to had called them at 1:30am, letting them know my sister was there (and thereby breaking HIPAA, I believe, but whatever, we're glad they called) and asking for some background info. There wasn't a bed at the psych hospital where she's been and where we'd want her to go, so they boarded her overnight in the ED. I think she did end up at the psych hospital today, although I'm not positive. She called me mid-morning and asked for my help (ha!), because she knew she needed a big sleep but didn't need to do it at the hospital (according to her... ha!) and wanted to know if she could do it at my house. HA! Ummm... no thanks! I told her that she did, in fact, need to be in the hospital, that she was sick, and needed more care than she thought right now. She accused me of being (sounding?) like my father, and hung up on me. Ugh.
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But on a happier note, here are two recent pics of my mini-me:

At the playspace at the mall a week or two ago.

This doll used to belong to my aunts, and then was played with by my sister and I, and now by Jordyn. Her name is Patty.  The other day, Jordyn announced that Patty had a poop and she was going to clean her. A few minutes later, I walked in to Jordyn's room, and there she was, trying to put a diaper on Patty!

No Heat

I can't even believe what went down tonight. Yet another episode of the "you can't make this shit up" that is my life.

We have no heat. As of this morning (I think). Jordyn and I were lying in my bed after waking up this morning, and I heard a series of banging noises, that almost sounded like someone banging on a door. At one point, I even came downstairs to see if someone was, in fact, at the door, but there was no one there. And I realized it sounded like it was coming from above, not below. I didn't know what it was, but then it stopped, and I forgot all about it. But now I think maybe it was the heating system, which is in the attic, dying. Or temporarily breaking, or whatever.

I have a heat guy coming tomorrow after work. But meanwhile, Jordyn and I had arranged to stay at my parents' house tonight (or, at least I thought we had), because when we left to go to our monthly SMC meeting at 3:45 this afternoon, the thermostat read 54.5, and it had been slowly dropping. I knew it was only going to get colder in here.

Oh yes, here. We're home. We shouldn't be, but we are. As I said, I thought I'd arranged for us to sleep at my parents' house. I'd called them earlier, told my dad about the heat issue, and he said we could always stay there til it, the guest room was available, etc. Jordyn has a room there - she always has since we slept there so often during her first year when I worked til midnight 3 days/week and my parents did most of my childcare. I've always slept in the guest room when we've slept over (ever since she got old enough that me sleeping in the same room with her no longer worked), although it's been a while since we did, since my work schedule has changed.

Anyway, my parents knew we were coming, and were expecting us. They knew we were at the SMC meeting, then going to dinner, and then coming over. When I checked my phone at the end of the meeting, my mom had texted me saying, "FYI. [My sister] is here...". I texted back saying thanks, asked how my sister was and whether or not she was staying over. My mom said she didn't know yet if she was staying over, and that she was "a little off but not horrible. Just be nice, she needs kindnesses". We were at my parents' house last night, and my mom had told me my sister had spent the night one day last week, and that she slept in another bedroom that doesn't currently have a bed in it, but has a mat of some kind. For whatever reason, my sister "loved that room" and wanted to sleep in it, and slept on the mat. So, when I asked my mom if she was staying over tonight, I assumed (yeah, yeah, I know what happens when you assume!) that she'd be sleeping in that room again if she stayed. It never occurred to me that she may sleep in the guest room, leaving me with no where to sleep. It never occurred to me that my parents would give her the guest room - knowing full well I was coming over to spend the night - leaving me with either the couch or the basement.

But that's exactly what happened. We got there at 8:30. It was past Jordyn's bedtime, but the restaurant took forever, and this (the night of the SMC meeting) does tend to be our latest night of the month. I'd prepped Jordyn in the car for saying a quick hi and goodnight to everyone because it was going to be time to go right to sleep when we got there. The door was locked, so I'm standing outside in the cold, holding Jordyn, a backpack (the diaper bag), my purse, and an overnight bag. I knocked (there's no doorbell at this door), and somehow managed to pull out my phone to call one of my parents. I saw a text from my mom from 3 minutes earlier asking if I'd decided not to come.

My dad opened the door, we walked in, my dad was saying hi to Jordyn, and my mom came in the room. I hadn't even put down my things yet. She informed me that my sister was staying in the guest room, and that I had to sleep on the couch. I was PISSED, and that's putting it mildly! WTF?! First, my sister has heat at her house. Second, my parents already knew I was coming to spend the night. Third, my sister doesn't have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Fourth, my sister doesn't have to work tomorrow. Should I go on?! Why should she get the guest room?? Why can't she sleep on the couch? Or fucking go home?? When I balked at sleeping on the couch (I wouldn't sleep well, and I wouldn't be able to go to sleep until everyone else went to sleep, which would be way too late), my mom said I could sleep in the basement. For one thing, the basement is about as cold as my house. For another, there's no bed down there, just a couch or a lazy boy type recliner.

And, I'd realized as we'd pulled in the driveway, that my brother was there, too. I think he'd just gotten there, and I don't think my parents even knew he was there yet. Anyway, I decided we were leaving. It was late, Jordyn needed to go to sleep, I knew there was NO WAY things were going to work out in any even close to positive way at my parents' house, and I was SO FUCKING ANGRY at the situation that I just needed to get out of there.

Now, a big part of why I'm so upset right now is because I now realize that I made the decision of what to do based on me, and not on Jordyn. The right thing for HER was to stay at my parents' house, and I should've just sucked it up and done that, for her sake. But by the time I thought it through and realized that, it was too late. So, yeah, I'm a horrible parent.

But I'm also upset because I realize that this is the reality of things. I'm the sibling of the sick kidS, so I'm always going to come last. I know how this works from my work. The kid with cancer? She gets all kinds of gifts, and visits from famous people while she's in the hospital, and her parents are by her side every step of the way. Everyone always asks how she's doing. The siblings of the kid with cancer? They get shuffled around to friends' houses, relatives' houses, etc., so their parents can focus on the kid with cancer. No one brings them gifts, no one asks how THEY'RE doing. They just get asked how their sister is doing. I'm NOT saying cancer doesn't suck, especially when a kid has it, it absolutely does, and kids with cancer deserve the attention they receive. I'm just saying their siblings deserve - and need - it, too. Same with bipolar, or whatever disease you want to fill in the blank with. I know I'm an adult, not a kid, but the same thing applies, in a slightly different way. I'm not looking for gifts, I'm not looking for visits from famous people. But I'm looking for not being made to feel like I come last.  I'm looking for not getting kicked out of the guest room so my sister can have it, "because she's very sick" (my mom's words). It's not my fault my siblings have mental illness any more than it is theirs.

And I want to have a second child? Ha! This is exactly the shit that makes me doubt that I should do it.

How could I have not stayed and sucked it up - for Jordyn's sake?? How did I not even think about her? I just knew I needed to leave, and that was that. Honestly, in the moment, it didn't feel as though I had a choice. It didn't seem like I had any other option. It was so late, I needed to get Jordyn into bed, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep on the couch or in the basement, and I just needed to get out of the loony bin. But wow, I sure won't win any parenting awards with this one!!

At least I was able to cover it/fake it ok. I told Jordyn that we were going home to sleep, because there weren't enough beds at Nana and Grandpa's house. She started to list everyone, and repeated that there were too many people and not enough beds. I told her we'd have a sleepover there another time. She wasn't upset. I told her it may be a little cold at our house, but that we'd bundle up so we'd be toasty and warm, which made her laugh for some reason (I think it was "toasty" that she found funny).

My mom texted a little while ago, asking if we were ok at home, and said, "Sorry about the mess tonight... I am trying to be with both and can't split myself in half!!!!" I don't think she needs to split herself in half, I just think she needed to think through the whole situation with the guest room. I told her we're fine, that I'm incredibly angry and think she owes us an apology, and suggested she do just that - think through the situation and see if she'd do it the same way again. I explained why I thought she shouldn't have given my sister the guest room. She texted back saying, "Okay, I apologize... it got so late I thought you weren't coming. And she is incredibly sick!!" And then she told me my brother is a mess, too, that she's "SO stressed so please be a little understanding of this horrible situation". I'm trying, I really am, but I only have so much to give to this. And then she started talking about me possibly taking the dog this week (my parents are supposed to be going to NY tomorrow til Friday). And she mentioned that she may not go to NY until Wednesday, since both of my sibs are such a mess. I'm just waiting for her to decide not to go to Disney World with us next week, although I kind of think she may make that happen.

So, Jordyn's wearing a fleece sweatshirt over her pajamas. I tried to get her to sleep with a hat on, but that was a no go. I'll put more blanket layers on her when I go upstairs, maybe even my sleeping bag that's good to like 20 below or something. I'm sitting on the couch in a sweatshirt, with a fleece blanket around my shoulders and another over me. It's warmer upstairs than downstairs, and the thermostat (which is downstairs) is currently reading about 49-50. It's 29 outside, with a low of 24 tonight. How low will it go in here?? I'm more worried about the morning - getting out of bed, for one thing! - and feeding her breakfast in a 50-degree kitchen. Maybe we'll run to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast, if we can get out of here early enough (which is doubtful). Or sit in the warmed-up car with a bowl of oatmeal. Hmm, that could work.

Shadows

Jordyn discovered shadows tonight.

I was cleaning up in the kitchen after dinner and Jordyn was playing in the den. She came walking over, pointing to the wall at the bottom of the stairs, saying there was something scary there. I figured out it was the shadow of the secretary that's near the bottom of the stairs, which incidentally, isn't even a particularly "scary" shadow. So, I started to show her that everything has a shadow, even her and mommy! And that when you move, your shadow moves, too! She got pretty in to it. She was ok until I made my hand's shadow "get" her foot - I was trying to show her it didn't hurt, and while she didn't totally freak out, she didn't like it.

At one point, we started to play a game of memory (which, as of a few days ago, she can actually play with up to 10-11 pairs - she's even legitimately beaten me a couple of times!), and she was so distracted by the shadows that she didn't do so well in the game. Then, when we went upstairs for bath and bed, there were great shadows of us on the wall at the top of the stairs. So, we stopped and played for a few minutes. I showed her that when I moved down, my shadow moved down, too, and that when I jumped, so did my shadow! She liked that, and started to do it, too. Then our shadows clapped and waved.

What a fun experience, watching her go from simply noticing shadows and being scared of them, to playing with them and being ok with them.

ETA 1/6: Well... We may not be totally over the fear of shadows. At about 10:30 last night, Jordyn started crying, not loud, but I went in, and it turned out she was crying in her sleep. I got her settled, and thought that would be the end of it. But she woke up around 1:30, crying again, and while I couldn't get her to say much, I'm pretty sure she had a bad dream, and likely about shadows. Then she woke up around 6:40, which was likely just for the day, but I knew she hadn't gotten enough sleep. I managed to eventually get her to fall asleep in my bed for another hour or two. And then, later this morning, she was scared of the gate at the top of the stairs - which has been there forever - and she said something about the shadow... We'll have to keep working on this shadows thing!

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Why does this child want to put a bandaid on every teeny tiny, even invisible-to-the-naked eye cut, scrape, scratch, and bump... but completely freaks out - and I mean FREAKS. OUT. when it's time to take the bandaid off?? Her bandaid got wet in the bath tonight, plus it had been on for 24 hours or so, so it was time to take it off. She didn't want to take it off - it's not that she wants the bandaid on, because I tell her we can put a new one on, it's that she's scared of the actual taking-it-off process - and cried and carried on during the entire bath. I didn't even get the damn thing off until the bath was over and she was on the changing table. She wanted to dry it off and leave it on, but I managed to get it half off, and then all the way off (I offered to let her do the other half by herself, but she didn't do it). It's completely ridiculous how upset she gets, but then still wants to put a new bandaid on... I managed to not put one on tonight, because I don't want a repeat performance tomorrow night!

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I'm getting REALLY excited about our Disney trip! We leave in less than two weeks! But boy, just FYI, planning a trip to Disney World these days is quite complicated! You can't just book flights and a hotel and just GO. Oh no. You have to research, and plan, and organize each day, and make fast pass reservations, and restaurant reservations... It's not bad, really, because it builds up the excitement and it's kinda fun, but it's a lot of work, and time-consuming, too. Can't wait, though!

A Potpourri Post

I've been sitting here staring at a blank page for five solid minutes.

I want to post, but don't know where to begin. I have both so many things, and nothing, in my head.

Christmas Eve my mom made dinner. It wasn't "Christmas Eve Dinner", as we're Jewish, but just dinner, since my parents had been away for almost 2 weeks and just gotten back the night before. My sister didn't come, and it was just as well. She was (is) SO manic. Honestly, I don't think anyone wanted to deal with her.

When my brother and his gf got there, they walked in, his gf said hello and the usual greetings when you first arrive somewhere, but my brother just stood there silently. Jordyn said hi to him, he kind of smiled, and then walked away. Jordyn said, "Ani (her name for him) doesn't talk?". I hesitated, and then said he would talk when he had something to say. What else could I say?! I had no idea why he didn't say hi, except that I know his brain is fried from being so manic so often for so long. The doctors have basically said he has some brain damage. I don't really get that, but it seems to be true. The brother I once had is gone. Apparently, he has trouble answering simple questions - he understands the question, but processing it and then formulating an answer and then actually speaking the answer... he just often can't do it. It's weird, and hard to explain. But so much for my mom's theory that Jordyn doesn't notice the oddities of the mentally ill!

Christmas Day we had another Jewish family over for a playdate. Last year, we went to their house, and this  year they came to ours, so maybe this will be a tradition for years to come. The family is a married heterosexual couple with two boys, ages 4 and 2. Jordyn has a huge crush on the 4 year old, who's more outgoing and social than his brother. We played in the house, and then took a walk to the school playground nearby when it stopped raining. It was unseasonably warm, but rainy in the morning. After a quick lunch, our friends left for nap time, and Jordyn took one, too, and then we just hung out at home for the afternoon/evening.

New Year's Eve my good friend K (another SMC) and her baby M came over. This is the third year in the row that K has come over for NYE, so maybe (hopefully!) that'll be another tradition for years to come. I've never been one to want to go out and party on NYE - or any other night of the year! Couch, pjs, and good company is my favorite way to welcome a new year. Oh, and the yummy chocolate dessert she brought didn't hurt either!

I think my favorite part of the night was doing the bedtime routine with our girls together. K and M didn't stay over, but they stayed late, so M slept the first part of the night in a pack and play in my room. So, we both got our girls ready for bed, and then K nursed M on the bed in our third bedroom while Jordyn and I sat in the glider (which is in that bedroom now), and we read books, and then we each put our daughter down for bed. It was so nice sharing that routine with another mom and baby. I don't know what it was, exactly, other than there were other people there. Maybe it was just that it was different from our norm. Maybe it was sharing the moment of putting our girls down and hoping they went right to sleep, and tiptoeing down the stairs together - instead of alone. I mean, it was separate, but together, you know? Two moms, but not a "couple", and two kids, but not siblings, but it was a shared experience (with another adult), and that just felt nice.

Today, New Year's Day, Jordyn and I had a lazy morning, and then walked to the school playground around 11:15. It was really cold, so we were bundled up. My mom called to see if I wanted to do something with her friend and her two adult daughters, but it ended up not working out, so my mom and I ended up doing some retail therapy while my dad babysat Jordyn. She ended up taking a three-hour nap, so he didn't have to do much!

My mom and I brought dinner back to my parents' house, and my brother was there. But he wanted to talk to my mom, so as soon as we walked in the door, he and my mom disappeared into another room. My dad, Jordyn, and I ate, and I thought it was ridiculous that my mom couldn't have sat down and eaten with us and THEN talked with my brother, especially since she'd said she was really hungry in the car.

While we were eating, my sister showed up. Oh wait, I should back up and tell you that she was discharged from the hospital yesterday. You ready for this? She went to the hospital a few days ago where she'd been discharged from on December 11th to try to get back something they'd taken from her when she was admitted, that they hadn't given back to her (reportedly a large crystal - she believes in these things - that cost about $100(!))... and they wouldn't let her leave! You can't make this stuff up. She apparently had such disorganized thinking that they sectioned her (72-hour hold). On Tuesday, the social worker called my mom and asked if she wanted them to discharge her, but with the caveat that she could stay at their house for a while so she would be supervised (at least some of the time), or have her committed. My parents agreed to have her stay at their house, but of course that hasn't happened because she refuses. Her car was at the hospital, so as soon as she got outside when she was discharged, she got in it and drove away.

But anyway, back to tonight. She came over, and I went to tell my mom that she was there, since she was still talking with my brother. My sister literally didn't stop talking from the moment she walked in the door. Literally. Stream of consciousness - and her conscious doesn't make any sense right now! She'd been out spending money on stupid, useless things (classic symptom of mania - reckless spending), and had brought "gifts" for some of us (although not me - she really has something against me right now). I didn't want Jordyn around her, hearing her spouting all this weird, useless, total crap about nothing, dead relatives, etc. But of course Jordyn only wanted to be with her, so while I kept trying to get her to come back in the kitchen and distract her with other things, she just kept wanting to go back to see my sister. Ugh! At one point, I said I was going to get her and we were going to leave, and my mom begged me not to. Seriously? I know Jordyn is the light of her life and is what's keeping her from totally losing it, but it's not fair to beg me to stay when I want to remove my daughter from the loony bin.

I'm over it. SO. OVER. IT. I honestly just want nothing to do with my sister unless and until she can get her fucking act together. She currently has NO insight into her illness. She thinks the diagnosis is wrong, that she just has ADHD, and she doesn't want to take the meds the doctors are prescribing because she doesn't think she needs them. Classic, yes, but also incredibly fucking frustrating! I don't want Jordyn around her. I have NO patience for her. Of course, my mom keeps telling me to "have some compassion, she's sick". Yeah, I know. She is. And so is my brother. I think he's depressed right now. So yeah, one of them is depressed and the other is manic. Can we maybe just meld them together into one normal human being?!

Ok, rant over.

In other news, the Disney trip is planned. We (my parents, Jordyn, and I) leave on January 17th. I'm officially going to spend my 40th birthday in The Happiest Place on Earth. I can think of no better place to be to ease the blow of leaving my 30s behind!

Oh, and a couple of days ago, Jordyn said to me, totally out of nowhere, "Mommy could have a baby in her belly", or something to that effect. I think there was this really long pause as I let that sink in, and then I said that yes, I could, and maybe I would. I asked her if she knew what would happen next, though, that the baby would come out of my belly and then we'd have a baby in the family. I asked if she would like that, and she said yes, and I asked if she would help with the baby, and she said yes again.

I'm struggling - REALLY struggling - with the decision about whether or not to try for two. It's WAY harder of a decision than deciding to become an SMC in the first place was. I mean, just re-read this post, for one thing! There are just so many issues, so many questions, so many reasons why I should, and so many reasons why I shouldn't. I need to shit or get off the pot, because being on the fence, and swaying way over to one side and then way over to the other and then back again, is really wearing on me. When I was in the thinking phase the first time (which really didn't last very long at all), the thing that stuck with me, and that really helped me decide, was some (I think anonymous) quote about not regretting things [I] did, but regretting the things [I] didn't do. Do I think I'd regret having a second? Not likely. Do I think I'd regret not having one? Probably, yes. I'd wonder "what if" for the rest of my life. But then again... There's just so much to consider, and I don't want to do it recklessly - financially, emotionally, or otherwise. So, yeah. We'll see what the new year brings!