New Blog

Seven years ago, when our family consisted of just Scott, Rachel, and Mason, I started this silly little blog as a place to record and share little pieces of our life with family and friends across the country. I have always enjoyed writing and anyone who knows me knows I am always ready to tell a story or two...or ten, so blogging turned out to be a fun hobby for me. Our blog was private with a very small audience and honestly everything I wrote was for myself and if someone else cared to read it, then so-be-it. Over the years there have been times I don't have much to post (or more likely no time to post) and other times I can't seem to crank out the posts fast enough. Some stories I can't wait to share and other stories are better kept to myself. I have always tried to be real and not sugar coat my life to make it out to be something it is not. I have, however, tried to focus on the good and keep things positive. Writing can be very therapeutic for me but sometimes I am surprised at the power of revisiting my happiest memories when life has got me down. Over the years and with the addition of three more kiddos, we outgrew our blog address of scottrachelandmason.blogspot.com, but it never bothered me enough to change it.

After Ellie was born I made our blog public and started posting updates on Ellie because it was the easiest way to let everyone know how she was doing and saved me from spending the whole day on the phone giving updates. As Ellie's story unfolded it became a way for others to get to know and understand Ellie. There were many times I considered making our blog private again, but after I had gained so much strength and knowledge from others who were willing to share their story, I felt that if sharing Ellie's story helped just one person know they were not alone then it was worth keeping it public. I debated creating a new blog just for Ellie's posts and keeping our family posts separate. But Ellie's story was our family's story and our family's story was Ellie's story. There was no way to distinguish between the two. So I continued on with despite the ill-fitting title of scottrachelandmason.blogspot.com

Now, I once again find myself wondering where I should go with this blog. It feels a little strange to think about posting a tender thought about Ellie and then following it up with the fun we had on our latest family vacation. But truthfully, that is now our life. We are learning how to continue forward making new memories while cherishing each and every one we made in our limited time with Ellie. She is engrained in who we are and there is no way to filter her out. So this blog will continue on just as it always has before. A smorgasbord of my thoughts and memories as I see fit to share. Only now it will be under a more meaningful name...

bubblesforellie.blogspot.com

 Thanks for joining us in our journey.

Graveside Service

 Ellie's graveside service was beautiful.

We met with just our immediate families before the service and we were all able to see Ellie and say goodbye one last time before the family prayer and we closed the casket. 

Once at the cemetery we were joined by close friends and family as we had a sweet service honoring Ellie's life. At the end of the service we released little balloons and everyone blew bubbles for Ellie.
Thank you to everyone who came.

The Viewing

I can't seem to find the words to describe Ellie's viewing right now. 

I think I'll just let the pictures tell the story for now.

A million thank yous to Kacie and Whitney who literally worked around the clock all week to make sure everything was perfect - and it was!

 

  

 At one point I turned to the next person in line and was shocked to see some of our 4p family, the Rodgers. Sarah, Stetson, Brooklyn, and baby Jett made the drive all the way from Idaho to be there. I was so happy to see them. My family absolutely loved meeting Brooklyn and Stetson and are still talking about how darling they are. I will never forget the way Stetson and Brooklyn loved on Ellie when we first met them. I am so grateful to Sarah for coming.

 It was a wonderful night spent honoring Ellie and how victoriously she lived her life. We were blown away by the number of people who were there. It was amazing to hear how Ellie had touched and inspired people's lives with her story.

My Answer

I wish I could say that from the day I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant with Ellie to the day I just as unexpectedly lost her and everything that happened between I had complete faith in the Lord's plan. But I didn't. There were times I couldn't help but ask why. Why didn't my baby develop correctly despite my daily prayers for my growing baby. Why wasn't Ellie's first surgery successful in relieving her laryngomalacia so she wouldn't require a trach. Why couldn't we get any nursing care to help relieve the strain of caring for Ellie? Why? Why? Why? 

As time went on, and I gained a little more perspective, I was able to realize that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers by taking the challenges away. Instead, he answers our prayers by strengthening us and helping us grow so we can get through the challenges. After all, the reason we came to Earth was to learn and grow as we are tried and tested. As soon as I started recognizing all of the ways we had been strengthened and lifted as we faced our challenges, I couldn't deny Heavenly Father's role in helping us all along the way.

The last few months of Ellie's life were wonderful. I had reached a point where I had put my trust completely in the Lord and was willing to accept whatever Ellie's future held because I fully believed that whatever happened was part of His plan and He would be there to help us through. During this time I found so much joy in caring for Ellie and was willing to make whatever sacrifices were necessary.

In the hours after Ellie's death I felt my mind start to race - what happened? what did we miss? why did I go home that night? if I would have been there I would have known. if I would have caught it earlier could we have saved her? how much did she suffer? was she wondering where I was? I'm sorry Ellie. I'm sorry I let you down.

As my mind started going down this path a very peaceful feeling came over me and my mind cleared until only one clear thought remained - It was her time.

Right now I am at complete peace with the fact that Ellie was never intended to be on the Earth long. In fact, I feel quite strongly that the 15 months she endured in her imperfect mortal body were a gift to us. I am writing this down now because I know in the coming weeks, months, and years the questions of what if and why will come up again and again and I don't want to forget that I know the answer.

I miss Ellie so much it hurts.

I miss holding her in my arms and seeing her smiling face. I wish with my whole heart she was still here. But, I know this is all part of God's Plan, and that I will be with her and have the chance to raise her, again.

Never Forget

We returned home to Omaha last night and as soon as I walked through the door I was hit from every direction with fresh reminders of Ellie. Her empty saucer in the corner, her over-sized trach bag packed and ready by the door; a pink mouth swab that had been dropped under the table; and a pile of mail addressed to the parents of Ellie Murray. I wanted to turn and run as I felt like the whole house was caving in on me.
There was never a minute of the day that I wasn't aware of where Ellie was and what she needed. Even when sleeping, I was listening for the smallest sounds that indicated she needed me. I find myself walking up the stairs and naturally peaking in her room expecting to see her peacefully sleeping. I walk around the corner and expect to see her smiling up at me from her toys. I hear a noise and my heart jumps as I think, where is Ellie she needs suctioning. It hurts so much to be reminded of Ellie constantly, but what hurts even more is the idea that one day those reminders will fade and we will slowly start to forget. Of course we will never ever forget Ellie, but just like I can no longer remember all the details of one-year-old Mason as crisp and clear as I used to, I fear that one day I will remember the idea of Ellie more than actually remembering all the little details that shape my memories right now.
I never want to forget her beautiful auburn hair. The way it preferred to stick straight up. The way her soft locks of hair felt running through my fingers. The way Ellie would shake and jerk her head around when I tried to comb it.

I never want to forget her voice. The sound of her soft squeaks when she was talking to us. The sound of her monkey cry when she would open her mouth wide and clap her hands and scream as loud as she could. The sound of her gurgley cry. The sound of her chuckle that we would all drop whatever we were doing to come listen to.

I never want to forget her eyes. Those long amazing eyelashes that were the first thing everyone noticed about her. Those eyes that lit up every time the kids walked in the room. Those eyes that looked up at me with so much love and trust.

I never want to forget her hands. Her sweet and perfectly imperfect hands. Her curved little fingers that naturally stayed in a fist, but she learned how to use so well. Her short little pinkies that were missing the nail. Her delicate way of playing with my necklace and earrings when I was holding her. Her hands reaching out for me when someone else tried to hold her. Her love of crinkling paper and plastic with her hands. Her happy clapping.

I never want to forget her smile. Oh that amazing smile with her little tongue poking out. That infectious smile that showed off her mouth full of teeth. That beautiful smile that made everyone fall in love with her. That radiant smile that brought so much happiness into our home.

More than anything I don't want to forget the feeling Ellie brought into our home. Her spirit of peace and love radiated about her and made us all want to be better. She softened our hearts and put everything in perspective. I pray that we will continue to feel her spirit.

Ellie's Dress

Last September when I was planning Ellie's blessing and looking for the perfect blessing dress, I never could have imagined that a year later, almost to the day, I would be planning her funeral and picking out a dress for her to be buried in. Just like when I was looking for a blessing dress I was struggling to find a dress that was perfect enough for Ellie. Every dress I looked at, no matter how beautiful, just didn't look like her. After all, Ellie spent most of her life in her functional onesie/leg warmer combo she was known for. I had an idea of a dress in mind, but couldn't find exactly what I was looking for on such short notice. So, my sister-in-law, Kacie, yet another one of my amazingly talented and generous family members, offered to make exactly what I wanted. It turned out absolutely perfect. 

Every last detail was immaculately done and so beautiful.

Ellie's body looked so natural and beautiful in the dress. It was the perfect dress for her.

A huge thank you to Kacie for making the dress and Whitney for photographing it.

Bringing Ellie Home

Scott and I never had a moment's doubt that Ellie's final resting place needed to be home in Utah. 

As soon as my Aunt Heather heard our plans to bring Ellie home she went to work pulling strings with Southwest Airlines, the company she has worked for for over 20 years, and managed to secure round trip tickets for our family of five as well as transportation of Ellie's body back to Utah. We are so grateful to Heather and Southwest for making it possible for us to bring Ellie home.

On our way to Utah we had a layover in Las Vegas. When our plane landed and we turned on our phones we had a message from Heather telling us that Ellie's body was actually on our plane. Scott and I had both been quite unsettled during the previous two days as Ellie's body was being sent between the hospital, coroner's office, mortuary, and airline and we never knew where it was or who was watching over her. Knowing her body was there with us gave us a wonderful sense of peace.

Scott and I sat by the airport window as they unloaded every last cargo box. We identified a box that seemed most likely to hold Ellie's body. It was sweet to see Scott tenderly watch over that box throughout our two hour layover and follow it wherever they took it until he saw that it was safely loaded onto our connecting flight.

Arriving in Utah and being surrounded by family and the majestic mountains was very soothing to my soul. We got right to work making plans and decisions that no parents should ever have to make.

The biggest decision was deciding on a burial plot for Ellie. We spent many hours over several days looking at and considering different plots. Once we found Ellie's plot, we knew it was absolutely perfect. It is a beautiful spot tucked into a peaceful grove of trees at the top of a hill that overlooks the valley. Not only is it a beautiful location, but more importantly, it is close to Pooky and Papa's plots where they will eventually be. The thought of Ellie being close to them in the future makes me extremely happy because she loved them very much.

This morning we went up to Ellie's grave. It was so tranquil and calm surrounded by the mountains with the rays of sunlight filtering through the leaves and a gentle canyon breeze. We couldn't have found a more perfect place for Ellie.

Ellie Jane Murray

Ellie Jane Murray

May 16, 2013 - August 31, 2014

Our sweet angel, Ellie Jane Murray, returned to her Heavenly Father on Sunday, Aug. 31, after 15 months of a beautiful but challenging life.  She was born May 16, 2013, in American Fork, UT, to Scott Aaron and Rachel Hale Murray.

Diagnosed with Trisomy 4p, a rare chromosomal disorder, Ellie faced a life of physical challenges, but she fought fiercely to overcome her trials and amazed all with what she accomplished.  She had a happy disposition, big smiles and a spirit that radiated and put life in perspective for those close to her.  People who interacted with Ellie wanted to be better because of knowing her and feeling her spirit.  She was loved deeply by her brothers and sister, her parents, grandparents and extended family members. Her mother, father, and Grandma Nancy considered it a privilege and blessing to provide her with around-the-clock care throughout her life.

The family thanks the many doctors, nurses and healthcare workers who helped Ellie, particularly Primary Children’s Hospital, Dr. Bradley Anderson’s office and Kids on the Move.

Survivors include her parents; her siblings Mason, Brynn and Miles; Grandparents Michael and Linda Murray (Woodland Hills) and Val and Nancy Hale (Orem); Great-grandparents Wallace and Bonnie Allred (Orem) and Shirlee Thompson (Salt Lake City); and many loving aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Friends and family may call at a viewing on Friday, Sept. 5, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. at the Sharon Stake Center, 545 South 800 East, in Orem.  A graveside service will be held Saturday, Sept. 6, at 10:30 a.m. at the Orem City Cemetery.