ABORT THE MISSION

After day 1 of the flu/fast I was forced to partake of some orange juice. And Tylenol. In my defense I didn't eat any solid food all week until Thursday night when I made my sister go to Dairy Queen with me. I had heard about the "Kit Kat Blizzard Miracle Cure" and decided to try it out. Or maybe I was simply delirious with fever. Either way it seemed to do the trick and I felt a lot better on Friday.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about "adult relationships" lately. I feel like in my life to date, most of my "relationships" have been reminiscent of playing Dream Phone c. 1996. In the game, which I totally own having purchased it at the Salvation Army for the low low price of .99, you have to call all these boys and try and figure out which one likes you. It takes ages and sometimes the boys are jerks and say things like, I know who it is, but I'm not telling, HA HA! (just like in REAL LIFE!)

As part of my plan to Keep It Great In Ought Eight, I decided I was not going to dick around on the metaphorical Dream Phone. No, instead, I was only going to talk with boys directly. Like an adult. I mean, at really fucking close to 30, I should be able to say, "You're right. I really like you!" and then get on with my life.* Keep it STRAIGHT in Oh Eight! Arrange a DATE in Oh Eight! Don't HESITATE in Oh Eight!

*The author reserves the right to continue sending drunken and obsessive text messages well into 2040.

How To Throw A Surprise Party 101

First, make sure you involve as many people as possible. This will come in handy later when you are trying to remember all the ridiculous lies everyone told the party recipient. Second, make sure you come up with the most plausible solutions for why the surprisee can/can't be at a certain place at a certain time. Some of my favorites include, "No reason" and "I don't know." You will be making up all manner of outrageous stories in the planning process but make sure that you totally piss off the person who you are trying to surprise. It's technically not a surprise party unless the guest of honor is hurt/mad at you for excluding them from all manner of secret plans. Finally, it is essential that there be at least 2 false alarms where everyone leaps out and yells "SURPRISE!!!" only to discover that the person coming in was only stepping out for a smoke or something and is not the surprise party recipient.

Perpetuating the myth

"Ok, so we just happen to show up at the coffee shop, looking completely fabulous, where Shifty is playing tonight..."
"Right. And I pretend that I just happen to be driving around listening to sea shanties on my iPod."
"Awesome."

Nautical, But Naked

Topic of today's group information session.

You know those nightmares where you realize you are in school/at work/speaking at the UN and totally naked? On the same theme, I have this paranoid fear of trying on clothes in store dressing rooms and then forgetting to put my pants back on and walking out into the store pantless. I've never actually done this. Or even come close. But I worry about it. A lot.

Today I had to give an information session to a group of prospective students and parents. Of course I was freaked out because the last (and first) time I had given one was over a month ago and surely I had forgotten everything I ever knew about Clark in that time.

Also, I realized that the pants I am wearing today make me feel naked.

I mean, they are just black, cropped pants (like pretty much ALL my pants) but the key difference is that they actually FIT me. I almost never buy clothes that actually fit. Mostly because they haven't made clothes to fit my body in at least 30 years. But also because I worry that if I buy clothes that fit I will gain weight or something and then they won't fit and I will be down one pair of pants. So I buy things that are too big. And then I buy a lot of belts.

So, I had on my naked pants and my nautical-themed shoes (which are the most awesome shoes EVER) and a striped shirt and my anchor/ship's wheel necklace that my (awesome) sister got me and a room full of people who were only mildly interested in what I had to say. And half of whom left early. And the rest of whom didn't find any of my "jokes" even remotely funny.

Sigh.

Must go home and cobble together a pizza in a (probably) hopeless attempt to redeem myself after the Great Paella/Biscuit Disaster of Last Weekend.

Jesus H. Sandwich

Obviously my lunch today was a sign from God.
A sign that I should eat it.

Yum.

Knowledge is obsession

While I was at work today, I started looking up the calories in various foods. I do this periodically to freak myself out. Like reading about Morgellon's Disease. Shock therapy or something. Anyway, I set up one of those accounts where you log everything you eat and it tells you how many calories, fat, etc. you had. It also gives you an overall grade for your food for the day. I got a C+. And that's not counting the glass of wine I'm drinking right now.

I was a little feaked out when I saw how much I had consumed. I mean, it wasn't ridiculous, and I think some of the portions are off, but damn. Part of this I have to blame on the chick who made my coffee at Starbucks this morning. I ordered a cappuccino and she gave me a LATTE. I didn't realize it until I got to work and took a sip and I wasn't about to drive back and demand a new coffee. I was already 15 minutes late as it was. That bitch cost me FIFTY CALORIES!