A head full

Contrary to my earlier promises, I've been missing in action on this blog for sometime.
I have plenty of good excuses for this silence, all of them part of normal life and a bit more, that for some reason recently has become rather overwhelming.
So while I haven't been here, I've been quietly getting on with work, home, family and life and the very big thing that is my fundraiser.  The first time I've ever taken it upon myself to do a fundraiser for something so personal, rather than mucked in and done them for nursery and/or school with a bit of us thrown in.
And it's very different, very different indeed, involving the unearthing of emotions that for many years have been squashed right down and continue to be on a tight rein.
I spend my time being tearfully grateful for every penny spent on the site and every lovely message of support, and every person who says they're going to come to the party we're throwing.  Of being utterly overwhelmed by having reached my target and with so much more to come.

But then the gremlin comes in who takes every innocent lapse from friends or family very personally.  Even though I KNOW how busy everyone is and that none of it is meant personally.
I struggle with the friends who took so long to tell me they're coming on the night,  I struggle when I've sent gently nagging emails asking people to pay on the site so I can claim giftaid and have less to do on the night, and get no response and no action.  And man is it tough to send those emails.  Almost as tough as it is for this stubborn girl to ask for help, I mean any help at all.

Yep, irrational irritation and oversensitivity has been taking up too much time in my head and clouding all the good stuff.  So last week I took myself in hand.  I now avoid the FB event page, am done with those nagging/begging emails and lists upon lists of those who said they'd come but as yet haven't made an appearance.

Instead I'm concentrating on all the AMAZING people who are coming, and trusting that the others will as well, and at all the things that are lined up that I've managed to pull together from friends and family and friends of friends and pure dumb cheek and ballsiness.  Raffle prizes and auction prizes from generous wonderful people, a huge guest list of friends and colleagues old and new and family and my closest supporters.  A band who are generously giving us their time, a venue also, and the slightly growing calm and excitement that it's nearly here.

I'm a bit dizzy with the to-do lists but I allow myself as I type this to think that I am actually very very proud.  Of me and of D for putting up with me and the family too.

On my recent annual girl's weekend, I found myself voluntarily 50ft up some very high trees attached to harnesses and zip wires for three torturous hours.  With each new section I chose to carry on, unable to really enjoy it but absolutely frigging determined to do it and survive and hopefully deep down kind of enjoy it in retrospect.  My friends who have known me for many many years and through many many times all seemed to be rather shocked.  At precisely how pig headed and stubborn I was and could be, facing my apparently enormous fear of heights.

I'm telling this because I did this Go Ape challenge partly so I could use it for a life metaphor wherever I found it.  For work, it allowed me to have a serious chat and say out loud that I was struggling to cope with the full time thing. A chat finally out of my head and house and in the right direction.  For home it allowed me to see that while the fundraiser has been tough to do essentially on my own, I'm not steaming through it head down angry and determined to finish.  I'm enjoying the sensation of achieving, enjoying the pride in my friends and everyone else.

And I will find the time to work out what to wear, how to look in the mirror and do my hair and makeup and look and feel nice, and most of all, how to host a party and enjoy every minute.  Even the stressful busy and inevitably emotional bits.

Bring it on.  My page is on this link below.  Come see what I'm talking about and thanks all who do.

What It's All About

xxx

Monday on a Train

Today I left for work with a wonderful send off from my big boy.

He stood at the door and the final image I have after his "bye, love you" was him motioning for me to put on my hood as it was drizzling, before he shut the door with a smile.
Just thinking about this wonderfully small moment makes me grin.
How lovely it feels to write about this and not the more mundane, stressy, annoying, uninspiring, confusing other things that swirl around in and among the sparkles of happiness in my day to day.
So the post ends here, on a smile and  a lovely wise silly caring and special little 6 year old boy
Xxx