More on Love...

I was driving around Baltimore tonight. Going from my grandparent's apartment to Target to my brother's house. On the radio of my rental car I found a station that was titled "LOVE." I have no idea what it is, the entire radio service in my car is like cable TV. There are over 100 different stations from all over the country.

As I drive, I pass 7-11. The love song is one from the 80's. And as I drive I remember:

It's 1984. I'm out on a Saturday night with "Bobby"- my very first boyfriend. In his maroon Berlinetti Camaro. We pull up to the 7-11 on Reisterstown Road. I wait in the car. He goes in and buys himself a can of Mountain Dew and an individually wrapped Entenmanns brownie. He comes back to the car and offers me some (I'm just making that part up, b/c I don't want to remember him as selfish, but I don't remember him offering me anything. whatever.) He drinks the can of soda down in one gulp and yells out, "Ahhh. Better than *#*#." (Use your imagination. I'm already putting myself -and him- out there! I'm writing more than I probably should.)

It's a memory. Like it was yesterday.

Most of my memories of driving around in Baltimore are of "Bobby". In his Camaro.

There's something here that I never let go of. Something I really miss. My teenagehood? My freedom? Irresponsibility? It's still here, and it comes back to remind me whenever I come back. I can't seem to shake it off. It's always here. There's love and longing. There's sweetness and kindness. There's innocence and realness. There's dishonesty and hurt.

Songs and park benches. Parking lots and stores. Streets and street corners. Houses and hills.

Memories of a different time and kind of love.

It was Young and Innocent. Where nothing mattered but the moment we were in. (Remember St. Elmo's Fire?)

I wonder, does "Bobby" read my blog?

It was a different time and kind of love. But it was definitely love...

Checking in from Baltimore...

There is so much to write about from my trip thus far.

I don't even know where to start.

I would probably say that the main theme of the last 6 days is: LOVE.

So much love and appreciation.

People I've touched.

Those who have touched me.

Inspired, loved and appreciated.

I believe that G-d gives us strengths.

Math is NOT one of mine.

But connecting to people is.

I've been married 18 years.

18 years of loving one man - for better or worse.

Raising his children, biological and otherwise.

Love and appreciation.

Visiting Grandma and Grandpa now. THAT'S Love!

I love...

MB is home...

...and NED left.

They switched places. MB unpacked her bag and NED packed back into it.

Off to Bnei Akiva Machene. Don't really know what that entails, but MB seemed to have a great time. Will see if I can't get MB to write something about it for me to post here.

DB came home tonight and told us he lost his wallet with his teudat zehut (Israeli ID) in it. It just disappeared. "My parents stole it and now they're mad at me." Is what he told my mom :)

Ely played today with a new friend for over 6 hours. A small lunch break in between, but 6 hours of Polly Pocket. They were so cute! A couple new girls her age moved onto the yishuv. Variation is always good!

It's gonna be hard to leave my kids for 10 days...

No nails left

I'm 40 years old and I still bite my nails.
It's a horrible habit. it's nerves. and a tendancy towards perfectionism, I think.

I'm off tomorrow for a manicure on my embarrassing stubs. it's the only thing that helps.

Plus I can't have ugly nails for my visit to the States.

yeah, that's right. Ari and I fly westward on Thursday night. Shabbat we'll be in Newton, Mass. And then to NY for Yaakov's wedding.

Tuesday, August 29, is our 18th wedding anniversary. We'll celebrate somewhere in Manhattan. Ari flies out Tuesday night and I drive down to Baltimore to visit my family.

Gotta have nails when I visit Grandma!

Sunburnt at the pool

I took Ely and NED to the all-girls swim today at a great pool in Kibbutz Nachshon, about 20 minutes away from our house. (MB is away on a Bnei Akiva trip.)

Except for this past Sunday when I took all the girls to the all-girls beach in Tel Aviv, this is the first fun thing I have done all summer. This house has killed me!

And so, I floated and swam and just relaxed. And it was awesome! (Ely also taught herself to swim in the 3 hours we were there!)

But now, my poor usually unexposed skin is crispy red! Shoulders, front and back - burnt and tingling...

I'll live.

And I'll go back. I love the pool. And the Israel sun? A little dangerous, but glorious when you're near water.

Only two more weeks left of vacation

Starting 1st grade

OK, so I just found out that sometime over the last month, while we were moving and unpacking, that I received a letter in the mail, from Ely's new school.

I have been in the habit of ignoring most mail because it takes too much effort to read the hebrew.

My friend Phyllis called me (her daughter will be in Ely's class) to tell me that I have to go buy Ely's school books and supplies, including her uniform (a t-shirt with the school name on it). I had no idea~

I hate not knowing what I'm doing! I hate feeling like an incompetent mother!

This is one of the most difficult parts of making aliyah!

My baby is starting 1st grade.

And I'll be in America when that happens. MAZAL TOV Yaakov!

I know, Mom, we all make choices!

I am trying to come to terms with not being in control.

Her father will be here. He's a good father. He's a good father. He's a good father! :)
She will not be late to school the first day. She will be dressed on her first day. She will have her backpack on the first day. (Does that sound convincing enough?!)

I have to go now and dig through piles of mail. I need to try to have some control...

Tired

I'm tired...

Tired of taking care of everyone else's kids

Tired of taking care of my own kids

Tired of taking care of my husband

Tired of caring

Tired of cooking and cleaning

Tired of trying to stay organized

Tired of trying to get things done

Tired of pretending

Tired of making decisions

I'm tired...

...and I need a break!

UNemployed

Ari has resigned.

The job he thought he was going to do, he's not doing...

He's too honest. The people who hired him weren't.

So now the pressure is on.

For me and for him...
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Oh goody!

sigh...........

A 17 year old son

Today is DB's hebrew birthday. He is 17.

As I was looking through some old memorabilia today, I found a cassette tape of DB talking to my MIL and my parents when he was potty training, describing in detail his BM and tinkel process. We listened to it tonight and all laughed together. He was soooo cute!

He was and continues to be such a great kid!

I am blessed!

Happy Birthday My Boy!

Tisha B'av tears

I cried today.
Mostly because I couldn't cry. I haven't cried.

I cried today.
Because I should cry. And I don't.

I feel sad.

Sad for the Jewish people. Sad for all those who are lost. Sad for all those who don't even know it.

I feel sad for the country. A country at war. In fear. Unsafe. Scared.

I feel sad because I am not a good enough mother. I cannot teach my children to have the passion I wish them to have. I want them to know and feel the passion that I feel.

I want to be able to love them unconditionally. And I do. I just know their potential. I see their spark. I see their fear.

I want my children to live the truth I see and understand.

I want to be the kind of mother who can teach by example. With love. And acceptance. All the time. I want my children to be good people. G-d fearing. G-d loving. G-d living.

Why can't I seem to figure it out?

Tisha B'av is a sad day for the Jewish people.

It's a good thing we aren't supposed to be this sad ever day!

On to another beautiful Shabbat...

Topics I want to, but am not allowed to write about on my blog

I would like very much to write about:

An old NCSYer, who was like a daughter, who grew away from our family. I found out yesterday from someone else that she married a non-Jewish co-worker and had a baby girl. Many conflicting feelings...

I would like very much to write about:

How my husband and I deal with difficult situations VERY differently. He tries to pretend it doesn't exist, while I go at it straight on.

I would like very much to write about:

The conflict of spending money to fly into the states for a wedding of a very close NCSYer. I wouldn't otherwise be going now. And money is very tight. But I feel I should be there.

I would like very much to write about:

My daughter testing me everyday with what she wears. Parenting and G-d.

I would like very much to write about:

How to support and be a good parent to the daughter who is not loosing her baby fat. And likes to eat.

I would like very much to write about:

My own thoughts on the war in Lebonon.


To name a few...

Productive day

It started with going to the bank to try and figure out why none of my credit card transactions were going through. It seems that my credit card has been over used (duh! We are building a house!) and there is a limit as to how many transactions one is allowed every month. I think that's what she said. I also had to get a list of all the transactions in my business account because I have a scarey meeting with my accountant tomorrow. I hope he is as patient as the last time I met with him!

I came home and got to work emptying boxes. There is only one left in my bedroom and a couple in the mudroom. Things are a little more organized, even though not everything has a place yet.

The door guy came and cut a messy hole for a window in my mudroom. Now there is natural light back there. It looks and feels much better.

Made dinner from Grama Rose's cookbook tonight: Twice-baked potatoes, cauliflower au-gratin, and grandma Dora's cornflake fish. Yummy. I miss my Grama!

Over all a productive day.

Tuesday and Wednesday are work days. I won't be home until late.