Imaginings

I find that, slowly but surely, I am starting to imagine what my future life might be like in acupuncture. I am finding what floats my boat, and what I care not-so-much about. Of course, I still have a long way to go, and a lot of things to learn. But it is nice that my imaginings are starting to take shape.

So far I am liking the gentle Japanese-style of acu (as opposed to Chinese-style "no pain, no gain"), herbal medicines (though the classes are boring and with a TON of information to learn), ear acu (I cleared up my own backache in 5 minutes just jamming a probe on the right points in my ears). And, actually, I like learning the "western" medical stuff. Some of my classmates are dismissive of western medicine because we're doing the eastern spiritual/energetic stuff so why should we have to sit through pathology classes? But I like it. Partly because I have always liked gross medical stuff, although of course I am always imagining I have whatever we're studying - I have a spot on my arm that has in my mind been both skin cancer and MRSA within the course of a week. And every time we talk about skin diseases or infectious diseases I come over all itchy, which is not terribly reassuring. But partly I like it because I know that patients will be coming in with western diagnoses. They won't be saying "oh, I get dizzy now and again, and sometimes I am thirsty and sometimes I pee a lot." They'll be saying "I have high blood pressure and diabetes." And I want to be able to understand the disease, and to be able to speak in terms that the person can understand. I also want to be able to understand prescription drugs, so that I can know which drugs and herbs react/interfere with each other. Most doctors will just say "I don't understand herbs, so I don't know which ones react, therefore don't take any." If I can counter with appropriate information for the patient to take back to their doctor, all the better. But it would be nice not to have to fight with patients' doctors. It would be nice to work in an integrative setting with a doctor that is not dismissive of this stuff.

Of course, thinking about working in a doctor's office doesn't stop me from constantly looking at buildings in my city and thinking about whether they would make a good clinic. Particularly old stores with apartments above them. I really dig the idea of living above the shop, as it were. I don't know whether this is just because it would save money to have one location, or because it appeals to a sense of history. That's the way people used to run their businesses - out of their homes. It just seems funky and cool. Of course, it does mean living on a busier road, as such stores are not generally on quiet residential backwaters, but hey, that's the price you pay.

Whoa. Freaky.

So, right, akashic record thing. They said I had to open myself up to other things, especially to learning about areas that are adjunct to or complementary to what I'm learning with Chinese medicine. Maybe other healing modalities, other herbal medicine traditions. Whatever whets my interest. I shouldn't cry off about not having enough time, I should just do it. Go to the seminars or classes or whatever. And broaden my horizons. Not the least because the more things I go to, the more people I will meet, including (I hope) the future Mr. Sarah.

Right. Just do it. Easier said than done to someone who is chronically worried about being time-deprived.

Well, we were leaving the school clinic on Saturday when I got persuaded to go to the home of some fellow students to learn about an energetic healing class one of them is doing. I said no to start with, true to form. But they pushed, they said there would be food, and that it would only be a few hours and besides, I had nothing else planned for Saturday night. So with the "just do it" motto floating around my head, I stepped out of my comfort zone and said yes.

We had a nice dinner, and then sat around discussing this healing thing, and I've got to say, I was a bit skeptical. It involves what basically appear to be mirrors. And some colored threads. And some other things that I couldn't figure out. Yah. Like I said, it wasn't floating my boat any. But the guy that has done the class decided to do a treatment on me to demonstrate. And.

Whoosh is all I can say.

I felt this energy from these darn mirror things. I felt my chakras, especially the ones where I have blockages. I felt fear bubbling up. I felt many things. And then they left me for 10 minutes to relax, and as I was lying there, all these insights came to me. Insights into the whole infertility mess and my mother's death. About how things happen to us that we can't control and plan for. And I felt at peace. It was like these two aspects of my life were mirrors - my mother got ripped away from me, and so did my child. Or, at least, the child I thought I was creating with my carefully planned SMC backup plan. You can't plan. Things happen. Sometimes things happen to teach us a lesson in a fairly brutal fashion. But it was like, here, here is this 30-year period of your life in which you were miserable. Bookended by two miserable events. But for the first time, I came to see them as bookends. A beginning and an end. An open and a close. A start and a finish. And that I can close that chapter of my life, and look on to the next with happiness. Because I don't need to drag the misery around any more.

And then my friends came back in the room, and continued the healing, and we got to a point where my head opened up and I got dizzy from the vastness of space that was inside my head.

Um. Yeah. Whoosh.

Don't worry. My head went back to normal again. I think...

Blurt

Before the crushing exhaustion of a new semester at school begins again, I thought I'd jot down a few random thoughts:

***

I had an amazing psychic/akashic record reading type thing done over the weekend. It has given me hope again on many levels. I'm not sure I can write about it adequately without sounding like a complete fruitcake, but I believe in what happened, and I believe the message I got that there is a soul waiting for me to be its mother. And that it doesn't necessarily have to be through adoption. So I am again thinking about this whole motherhood thing rather than remaining child free. We asked if this soul was born yet, and got the answer that it has not. But, anyway, first I'm going to look for my husband/boyfriend, who I also believe is out there somewhere for me. And then we'll see what happens.

***

Are you a regimen type of a gal? I mean beauty regimen here. I have always been a random collector of products tried and not stuck with. But I have been thinking about the number of chemicals we expose ourselves to on a daily basis, and am thinking that this random usage of different items might expose me to more types of chemicals than if I stuck to one range of things. Surely items from one brand that are meant to work together will have underlying basic formulae that share ingredients? So if I switched to a complete regimen, might this cut down on the number of different chemicals? Anyway, I'm going to give it a go. I'm going to try being a regimen following lovely. And on that note, do you have any natural beauty brands that you love? Skin care, hair care, make up. Or even cleaning products?

***

Do you love to-do lists? I remember blogging previously about trying out a web-based to do organizer. Well, I gave up on that one pretty quickly, but I am now trying out http://www.rememberthemilk.com/ So far, me likey! I ever have this dream of being organized. And, talking of which, my house is still tidy, which is probably a record for me. I am trying my very best to morph into a neat freak. I don't want to hire someone to clean for me - I tried that out before, and while I liked coming home to a nicely mopped floor every other week, it didn't satisfy me on a fundamental level. Strangely, making small but incremental progress in cleanliness brought about by my own actions is satisfying.

***

I spoke to a woman yesterday who is from England and has been in the States about the same length of time as me. And she's a year younger than me. But she still spoke with a very English accent, but me, not so much. I have really modulated the way I speak over the years, and I wonder what this says about me. Or her. It was a very noticeable difference when we were talking. You say skedule, laugh at the way I say shhedule, and it won't be long before I'll say skedule too. Same with yoggurt and yohgurt. Same with any number of other words. Do I just associate more with people that are not terribly tactful and burst out laughing at my strange "mispronounciations"? Or am I more sensitive to people laughing at me? I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. And I know they're not laughing in a mean way most of the time (although when I said urEYEnal to a room full of people recently instead of Urihnal, that got some pretty harsh laughter and teasing afterwards). I'm not trying to put on an American accent. I still stand out, but I say many words in an American way. And there are some words I am incapable of saying differently, like bahth, and cahstle. I guess those are ingrained somehow, whereas the other words are easy for me to say differently. Are the people that stick with their accents incapable of changing? Do they just want to hold firm and be the obvious English person? Am I just scared of standing out?

The Happiness Project

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, aided by an oh-so-short 2 week break from school. Of course, you know me, there was some thinking about children in there, but mostly I was thinking about happiness.

On the children front, I still vacillate between thinking I will adopt when I have graduated, and thinking that I will remain child-free. I was recently, uh, pursued (in a nice way) by a guy who appeared very interested in dating. The problem was that his personality rubs me the wrong way, and I just don't see myself wanting to spend all that much time in his company. However, of course, my ovaries piped up, and there I was thinking "well, I'm 41, so if I really want to prove that I might have some fertility left in there, maybe I should just date the guy for a while and see..." But, thankfully, sanity reasserted itself, and I decided that I didn't want to have some callow sperm-stealing relationship on a whim to prove multiple RE's wrong. I decided that it was more important to me to date the right person, or parent the right child (however that child comes to me), than to go for some desperate attempt to conceive. I've tried enough desperate attempts at conceiving, thank you very much.

So, it was an eye-opener to me that I was able to back away, and rest easy in the knowledge that the longing for a genetic child really is ebbing away. And I am feeling more comfortable with both the idea of adopting and remaining child-free. I don't know what I will do, but I can see happiness in my future with either.

Neatly (or not) segueing into the happiness project...

One of my wishes for myself when I decided to give up the infertility treatment lark was to make a life for myself that involved me being happy. But of course I had spent so long imagining a life with children that I couldn't picture what happiness involved if it didn't include children. I have therefore needed to really think about what would actually make me happy. So I routinely now (when I have time) jumble up all my daydreams and imaginings and try to figure out how to get from here to there.

Damn, it's hard, though. Even when I think my happiness wishes are pretty basic. But they include things like "coming home to a clean house" which means I have to try to actually keep the house clean. And I have a slob streak a mile wide, I admit. Every time I think I'm getting better, I don't empty the dishwasher on schedule, and then the dirty dishes pile up waiting. And then it makes me grouchy. But do I go and empty the darn dishwasher? Not always, no, and it'll get overwhelming very quickly. But I am trying. I am trying to be better. I want to be the type of person that keeps a clean house all the time. I don't want to rely on a cleaning lady. I want to be the clean freak. I am hoping that by rephrasing cleaning as a way to increase my happiness, rather than as a chore, it will work better this time.

Do you have any housekeeping shortcuts or tips? Spill. I need 'em.

Do you have any happiness suggestions? Bring 'em on. This is going to be an ongoing project for the rest of my life, whether I have kids or not, so any and all suggestions are welcome.

Here's my happiness list:

Love - connect with friends and be better at it. Ditto family. Ditto partner in life.

Laughter - see above re relationships. Take time to laugh.

Place - I have moved around too much. I want to feel rooted in place, so, work to establish connections in the neighborhood, town, state.

Home - I like the idea of clean minimalism, of no clutter, of airy open spaces. Of loving my house instead of thinking "I hope nobody sees the dirty laundry lying around." Be clean. Keep clean. Love my home. Replace things I don't love with fewer, better things.

Travel - stop waiting for other people to be available to travel. Stop making excuses. Get out there and see places!

Body - strong, healthy, bendy. Exercise, do yoga, eat to nourish myself. Preferably be thin, but at least get to a healthy weight.

Mind - be the lady that frequents the library, keeps up with news, movies and theater, and has interesting conversations. Meditate.

Simple, right? Hahaha, it seems a bit overwhelming when I type it out. But it's not so so bad really. And I'm focusing on small things at a time. The focus this term at school is on cleaning house. Each semester so far I have cleaned in the break, and then let it fall into disaster the rest of the semester because I have no time. And then I end up in semi-squalor by the time finals come around. I have launched grandiose plans and schedules for cleaning, only to have them fail because they were too much to cope with. I have planned to get a cleaning lady, but put it off for so long that I talked myself out of it. But no. Not this time. This time I will figure out how to make it work, damn it. My happiness depends on it.