A new sort of St Patrick's Day

Two years ago my husband and I spent bringing in St Patrick's day at our favorite local bar with a rowdy crowd at 8:00AM with jello shots. Last year we brought in St. Patrick's day at our IVF lab and were given this glorious picture. Never had I seen anything more precious. I didn't know it was possible to love something so small as 8 amazing little cells.

I didn't think I would ever see anything more amazing than those two precious embryos that would be placed inside for our transfer. That is, until I saw this scene. By far this has certainly been the best St Patty's Day so far. Last year we had the "Luck of the Irish" on our side and it keeps going strong!

Oh geez...Brynn and I are getting around

I had to chuckle (did I just use the word chuckle??) because my good friend Pauline who is a free lance writer mentioned Brynn in one of her latest assignments. Brynn for your sake I hope to learn to do what she's talking about before you start talking yourself!

Bath time and four months old

I can't believe Brynn turned 4 months this past weekend. Thank you so much for letting me rant and complain about going back to work in my last post. Not trying to be a downer...just having a little bit harder time than I thought getting adjusted back. I really despise being away from her, but I'm trying not to complain because I know I have a very good situation with my mom watching her and only having to work part time. I feel like I sound unappreciative and I don't want that to be the case at all. I've just always tried to be open and honest about my feelings...so thanks for letting me lay it down on the line! This was Brynn after she had her first bigger girl bath the other day.

It's amazing how much she's changed since this other photo just taken eight weeks ago shown below.


Here's Brynn during the bath looking at me like, I'm not too sure of this mom. I do like the bathtub that my sister suggested because of the turquoise sling. It allows Brynn to sit in it and not slide down into the water. It also has a little side caddy area that you can fill with either clean water or keep another washcloth in or what ever. It also fits in either a double sink (like we have) or a single one.
So this morning I woke up after Brynn slept in until 8:30...yes 8:30! Then I was going to pump quickly and get her ready for her appointment at 10:00. After running a little late I decided to try to actually just breast feed her, which is something we're doing more and more of. Kind of crazy. She's the kid who wouldn't breast feed for 3 months and then when I decided to go back to work, Brynn decided that it was kind of a cool thing to do. Go figure. I didn't know that kids did that. But I'm not complaining. It just has me kind of left wondering why. The only problem I have is that I'm not sure how much she is getting when I feed her. She seems satisfied, but also seems to like to just suck afterwards. I know that this is normally a problem people have with a younger baby, but since Brynn and I are a bit new at this I'm still mucking my way through things. When I just pump and give it to her in a bottle I know what she's getting of course.

So after rushing off to our appointment and leaving Neela our dog gated out of the kitchen so she wouldn't storm the cleaning lady when she came...we were off. Yes, I still haven't let go of our cleaning lady that I truly don't need anymore. I just haven't gotten the nerve up yet in this bad economy. I'm such a wimp! I just really like her and I can't face up to the fact of letting her go. Maybe next week? It was very windy on our walk into the office and we were quickly taken in to an exam room. Brynn had the typical appointment of weighing in, measurements, and being seen by her doctor. When she was being weighed she let a noisy one rip...ah my little future Gas Passer...you make mommy so proud!

Basically she's measuring in the 5th percentile which is A-OK with me. She is 9lbs, 15 oz and 24 inches long. She's doing everything well except holding things in her hand as well as she should be. But to be honest..some days she does it, and some days she doesn't and I'm not going to obsess over it. Her LFTS don't have to be repeated until the end of the month. She smiles, coos, and is sleeping better. She is growing, and is on the growth chart...the bottom...but at least on it. Basically, she's growing and is happy - so that is good with me. She recently starting actually breastfeeding which she's never done in the past....that is very good with me. She looks at me with love in her eyes and that is like heaven to me. So Brynn....happy 4 months. Normally I would want to thank someone from blogland who has really touched us upon our journey...but today is for you. Brynn....thank you for making my life complete. I love you.

Already dreading tomorrow

So tonight I'm already dreading having to leave Brynn...I'm wondering when this hatred towards a job I know deep down inside I love will end.

Mixed emotions

Brynn decided to try out her new seat the other day and it was met with mixed emotions. At first she clearly did not like it. Next she would smile at me occasionally as I was nearby. Then after several flashes of my camera trying to capture the moment she put her hand up to say, "Please people...no more photos...you'll have to consult with my agent!"I would have to say that both Brynn and I had mixed emotions this week. Monday being my first day back at work after being off for 10 months...(some of you had asked how long I was off). Yup, it'd had been 10 almost 11 months. Almost 7 months of bedrest during my pregnancy with Brynn and then 3 and a half months after she was born. Basically...in the anesthesia world....A LONG TIME. I am so happy to be back at work doing something I love, but all at the same time I hate being back at work. I know that makes absolutely no sense at all. I love having adult conversations and doing something that I went to school for for 7 years. But in the morning I hated getting up at 4AM to pack up my little girl for the day at my parent's house. I hated knowing I was leaving her to go to work when my husband and I have been accustomed to living on just his salary for almost a year. I hated leaving her knowing I was only going to work because I had been off for so long I felt I needed to return so that I didn't lose my anesthesia skills. Basically we're blessed and I hate saying this outloud...but I hate going back to work and leaving her because I don't absolutely have to leave her and go back. It makes me feel selfish. We've altered our lifestyle over the last year because we had to with me being on bedrest for her pregnancy and doing our IVF cycle. Now that we're used to that...I don't absolutely have to work although it makes meeting ends much easier. So every reason I'm returning is because I feel that I need to so I don't get so out of the loop in a techincal field that I feel I can't return when I want to. Basically as I said...it's to make myself feel better that I haven't lost my skills neccessary to do my job. Ugh.

That being said, I'm going to stick with things for now the way we have them planned. This is the eight hour day and the twelve hour day. On our next schedule coming up I have some afternoon, midnight and weekend scheduled so that'll mix things up a bit - hopefully for the good. Last Thursday went a bit smoother at work and I was in a basic OR room again doing hodgepodge stuff like gallbladders, D & C's in the morning and an endoscopic sinus surgery in the afternoon. Thank heavens my managers said she's not going to have me rotate down to the open heart room for a couple of months because they're still getting some of the new grad CRNAs through orientation in there. That makes me feel a ton better about getting back into things slowly. We even had a lady with a terrible airway (Mallampati IV) who was having a laparoscopic tubal ligation and I didn't miss my intubation!

Enough boring work talk...this weekend Brynn turned four months and I can't believe it! I take her to her four month appointment on Wednesday so I figure I'll make that her "Brynn is four months old" post. But she has truly come so far. She's trying to discover her toes this past week and I'm looking forward to the day when she's able to grab them with her pudgy little hands. I've always thought babies were so cute when they did that. Brynn is sleeping so much better at night as well. We still have our night time nanny come the nights before I have to work, but we almost don't really even need anyone now because she's been sleeping so well. That being said, I'm sure I've cursed things, LOL! Brynn also is wanting to eat more and more volume wise so I'm sure these are all good signs of her continued growth. She smiles more each day and is making a wider variety of little baby grunts, coos, and high pitched noices when you talk to her. She follows your face constantly and studies all of your expressions. When I'm either getting ready to breastfeed her or have her bottle in my hand she begins squirming and kicking her legs like, "Yes! It's feeding time at the zoo....bring on the chow, mom!" I love that.

I need to start looking at high chairs for the months down the road. Gulp, I can't believe I'm even thinking about that already. I bought some ice cube trays at Target this weekend for when I start to make some baby food for Brynn. I'm just a planner and like to think ahead. Each day I'm trying to soak in as much "Brynn time" as I can because I'm starting to realize just how quickly they change. I forgot to mention that we took Brynn to the mall for the first time a week ago in her stroller. She absolutely loved being in the stroller and shopping...ahh...maybe she'll be just like her mom someday! Well, I don't enjoy being in the stroller...but I do love some serious shopping of course :-)

Before I end this rambling post...I just wanted to thank Candi at IVFing life who has been with us for most of our journey. She makes me laugh with her silly jokes and yet she makes me want to cry with how proud of her I am. She has overcome so much to be a mom and what a great mom she is. She's never thinking of herself, she's always taking the time to send a kind word someone else's way. She is a fighter, doesn't take no for an answer and would do anything under the sun for her adorable son Carter. She went through heck and a crazy labor to get him here safely, and yet never complains. He's thriving and doing great...and it's all because of her hard work and love for him. So Candi thank you for being a good example and being a girl who can always make me laugh! (Did I say she never has a bad hairday either in any of her photos? It's always perfect :-)

First day back at work

Brynn and Neela are still best buds when it comes to tummy time or sleeping or just hanging out. I just hope it continues!


Yesterday was my first day back at work and I'm glad to have it under my belt. Sunday I spent the whole day cooking dinners for the week and packing a lunch and food for my breaks as if I was going to be gone for days on end. I guess I was a little over preparing. Then around 9PM I set the DVR to tape the 2 hour special of Brothers and Sisters and headed off to bed to try to catch some sleep. Around 11PM that night my friend's little sister came over to watch her so that we would have a restful night and not have to deal with her feeding schedule every few hours. She is an absolute life saver...night time nanny to the rescue! Plus Neela just adores her. I think I woke up every few hours from 1 o'clock on, but around 4:50 AM my alarm went off and I sprung out of bed. I got ready for the day and pumped just as I was headed out the door. My friend and Brynn were still fast asleep, but I was a little teary eyed leaving my girl behind. I know it'll just get easier. She's just been my partner in crime for almost 10 months since I've been off work, it was hard to leave her behind.

Once at work around 6:00 or so I found out what room I was in for the day and set my room up for my first case that started around 7. I was kind of in a hodge podge easy room in the outpatient room the first day - although no day is ever predictable in the OR. First case up was a crazy one...we did a tubal ligation on a 21 year old. Yes I just said a 21 year old. And I put my foot in mouth as I approached her all wide eyed and cheery saying, "So how many little ones do you have at home?" as I walked up to her stretcher in preop. She quickly replied, "None." Huh I thought...we're doing a tubal ligation on a 21 year old who has no children....certainly there must be some mistake I thought. But no...it was correct. I guess in order for it to be done she had to undergo psychological testing and a gamment of other tests. But still to say it disturbed me would be an understatement...it still leaves me uneasy. I think of myself at 21 and I'm no where near what I was even 8 years ago....so much has changed. But who am I to judge I suppose.

Even things such as charting and doing basic things took a bit longer than normal...kind of like brushing off the cobwebs I'm sure. Actually my Dansko shoes were a bit dusty when I put them back on so that part was actually true, LOL! Once again...time is of the essence I'm sure. I was able to go to our CRNA "call room" to pump 3 times yesterday on my 12 hour shift. Not too bad, although I'm sure sometimes it may dwindle down to twice a day on my longer days. It's just hard to actually get to the call room, set up everything and be back in 15 minutes, you know? But there is a recliner, a TV, and an outlet near a phone that is a pretty good setup...so other than the lack of time there is no complaints from me. I was able to call my mom a couple of times to see how Brynn was doing throughout the day. She took over at about 11AM from my friend so it's kind of like a joint operation....Brynn style!

The rest of the day I spent in cases where we took out a 33 year old's appendix, we put in an infusaport for a lady with cancer of the throat, and we repaired the elbow fracture of a 21 year old who was in a drunk driving accident. All in all things went okay. There were a few bumps in the road...and I felt a little rusty. But at the end of the day I didn't cause any harm and we all walked away okay, LOL! Just kidding of course. But no on a serious note I was paired up with another CRNA just to have as back up support since I had been off so long...and I needed minimal assistance so that made me feel good.

Going home that night I felt tired, sore, and my legs ached....it'll take me awhile to get back in the swing of things. But I was refreshed all at the same time. I could still do my job after being off for almost a year. Part of the whole pregnancy bedrest has left me feeling like there was nothing to me as a person other than the pregnant chick with a history of fertility issues who had a bumpy pregnancy and recovery. It was good to get back to part of my former "other" self. It was a day that involved some learning curve for everyone I'm sure...from my mom and dad who watched her while I was at work, to my husband who had to take care of her by himself when getting off of his engineering job, to me getting home at 8PM that night from being gone at 5:30AM. I'm glad I only have one long day a week...I missed my little girl too much. Basically I know I'm blessed to have the best of both worlds...working 2 days a week while my mom or friend watches her, working 20 hours a week doing something I love, and being home 5 days with my little bambino. I almost feel guily saying that...but I am one lucky girl. I have been so blessed. Almost as if I don't deserve it.

I don't want to forget to say thank you to someone else who has been such a support to us along the way. Meredith at a Uterus Divided has been like a twin to me. Her and I both have the goofy uterine abnormality, infertility and then pregnancy bedrest. While pregnant with Brynn her and I would text back and forth and email daily, sometimes at 4AM. She was my sounding board...a girl who kept me sane along the way and honestly knew me better than most people who had known me for years. She truly "got me" and got what we were going through because we were going through it together. I know mommyhood and our jobs will keep us busy, but she is one girl whom I truly believe I could not had gotten through the last few months without. She is so caring, unselfish, and the true meaning of the word "giving." Giving to me, others who need it, and giving of herself totally to her son. She is a hard act to follow. She is truly one of the good ones.

UU baby home!

Meghan at Two Shorten the Road got her little UU baby to come home...go wish her congrats!