Numbness...with a side of lasagna

It's weird..this feeling I've been having lately. I'm not sure what to label it as. It started a few days ago, although I think it's been brewing for some time now. I think part of my problem is that I don't know what I should be feeling. My best friend asked me if I was alright after finding out that our second IUI didn't work. I smiled and said yes..that I was excited to try again this month. This is the same best friend who has offered to due a surrogacy for us if it would help someday (which it might considering my unicornuate uterus). For that...I am so thankful...I'm not sure if I would be strong enough to offer the same if I were in her shoes...she is the best and I can never repay her enough...she's my lifeline.

My parents and grandparents came over today for some post holiday dinner...I made lasagna and it turned out great...I'm starting to find out a hidden talent that I have for cooking. But it was funny...I was serving everyone dinner...and I felt numb. Numb to their comments about what a good dinner it was, numb to my mom when she asked me in the kitchen how I was doing (she knows pretty much everything that is going on with us the the fertility journey), and numb to the lasagna I was eating. I wasn't happy...I wasn't sad...just numb. Maybe numb is easier than being sad or frustrated...but I realize that I don't like being numb...and I'm going to make sure that I stop feeling this way. It's no way to go through my day. I would be missing too much.

I think in life we have to make choices. We can let what we are going through...the infertility, the ups and downs define us and shape who we are...or we can fight back and say that this will not be who we are...just a part of what we are instead. There is more to me than this. Sometimes I forget this. Someone mentioned in their blog that often they look in the mirror and don't recognize who they have become. I can relate to that . When I look at who I was a year ago vs who I am now...I have to search to see similarities. I have to remember that I was a pretty cool person before all of this infertility stuff consumed me...I have a great set of friends, I like to run, I like to shop...boy do I like to shop!...I volunteer to provide medical care at a rehab center, I am an aunt, I'm a great sister and friend...I'm a nure anesthetist who gets to help people get better every day...gosh sometimes I forget all the other parts that make me who I am. How can I forget what makes up me? How can one little struggle define and overshadow all the rest? I'm so mad at this infertility journey...how dare you take away what I am!

So I guess now I've made a couple of early new years resolutions...Number one..stop being numb. When people ask how I am..tell the truth and move forward. Too often I try to be overly optomistic...so much that it hurts. I should just be me...and everything that I am feeling. If someone were to ask today if I were okay...I should say no...I'm not okay...I'm hurting inside...my heart actually feels like it's hurting. I ache inside...but I'm going to move forward...in time I will be okay...but today I don't feel okay. Number two...get back to being a complete person...rediscover all the parts that make me who I am...despite the infertility. I think that I will be more of a complete person with that...and instead of feeling like I had a side of lasagna for dinner I'll feel like the side was more like the infertility...not the yummy lasagna!

Third IUI results

Today what I had secretly been thinking for the last couple of days was proven to be true. At 4:45 AM my alarm clock went off, I rolled over to shut it off think...gosh I'm glad I have a four day weekend and wasn't on call for work all weekend either! I dragged myself out of bed, trying to convince myself that today would go by fast since it was Friday before the long weekend. I went into my bathroom, and discovered that our third IUI didn't work.

I can't say I was suprised..after two years of trying to get pregnant..you get used to not being pregnant, although I was disappointed none the less. I think if I'm ever lucky enough to get a positive pregnancy test I may not believe it. The doctor will probably laugh at me making him repeat my beta test just to be sure it's not a mistake. So I guess this month is round number three, basically more of the same before moving on to something else. I don't know what I feel more of...disappointed that we aren't pregnant, sad that this is our third Christmas without the hopes of having a child in the near future, mad that so many people who don't want to be pregnant are pregnant, or worried that we are one step away from our last option (IVF) to have our own child. I just hope that one day I'll be able to look at a little kid who I can smile and say has my nose, my husbands eyes, or my silly grin.

Merry belated Christmas

Despite me not being too excited about Christmas this year...I actually had a great one. We did the 23rd at my husbands family and Christmas Eve at my parent's with my family. We dressed our furbaby Neela up as Santa with antlers...boy was she excited (yeah right!) The fur in her picture makes it look like she's wearing a beard but she wasn't!

We drove to my in-laws a few hours away ( the weather was actually good for once)...and a little while after I got there I realized that there was a little blue box under there tree. I looked a little closer...yes everyone...it was a box from Tiffeny's. Ever since I was a little girl, one of my favorite movies was Breakfast at Tiffeny's. I couldn't believe my eyes. I think I started to squeal! I'm not sure if it was out loud or not. My husband just smiled. This was his doing!

I looked at him, smiled...grabed the box and slowly opened the blue box with white ribbon. Inside was a gorgeous necklace! Ever since we met, he has known that I would love someday to get something from Tiffeny's..but I never thought I would. Anyways...I was about the happiest girl in the world :-)

Later on we had a great rest of the holidays with our two families...ate too much, drank too much and had a lot of great presents. On the 25th I had to work a double at the hospital 6:30- 11pm....but it was a really slow day in the OR. Just a couple of hip fractures and gallbladders. And the people I worked with were some of my favorite people so I can't complain. In the afternoon I was up in OB, and we only had to do a couple of epidurals...the department was incredibly quiet (usually they're hopping...they do about 6000 deliveries a year). Hope everyone had a great Christmas...I know I sure did. The best part was that I actually wasn't expecting to!

Countdowns

It's funny...when you are a little kid..you get used to the idea of countdowns. Probably the biggest one is your countdown to your birthday or Christmas because that means presents. I always used to make those red and green chainlink pieces made out of construction paper that you would take one down for each day that got closer to Christmas. At the end you would have one ring left and it was Christmas Eve. As you get older..you still like the Christmas countdown, but you start to countdown different things as well. There's the ball dropping at New Years with Dick Clark. You always hoped as you got older you would have someone to kiss when the countdown was over, and the ball dropped. Then you get married...realize that you will always have your husband to kiss on New Years...but still the countdowns continue.

Right now I still countdown Christmas...I love presents what can I say. But with this whole fertility journey, I've gotten used to new types of countdowns. It seems like there is always countdowns to something. Countdowns to when you will start your next cycle of meds, countdown to your next ultrasound, countdowns for you next IUI, and the ultimate culminating countdown moment...countdown to either testing day or the day of your next cycle so that you get to try again!

I now realize that I think I'm addicted to countdowns...you get so used to them that you almost crave them. Yes I have a countdown addiction. I feel like I could use a 12 step program :-) Welcome to the group Sara...yes my name is Sara and I am a count downaholic. Seriously, I was at work yesterday...and a friend asked how many more days until Christmas and I said 6...I didn't realize that I wasn't counting days til Christmas, but rather days until I could test to see if our IUI this month worked!

On the christmas note, I think I'm finally done wrapping and cooking...which is a good thing since we leave tomorrow morning to celebrate a early Christmas with my husband's family. We're doing Christmas Eve with my family since I have to work a double on Christmas day (one perk of being a new CRNA in the department). I just need to go buy a last minute gift for our fur child...our bolognese puppy Neela. She'll go with us to my in-laws since they live in Ohio and we live in Michigan, then along to my families...basically she goes everywhere with us!

Anyways...just wanted to say happy holidays and Merry Christmas for everyone! Have a great weekend!

welcome...a little about me

Hi everyone....I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I tried to set this up a week ago or so. However, my first few posts got erased! I just wanted to introduce myself and tell a little about my story.

I recently finished grad school to be a CRNA (nurse anesthetist). This was something that I had wanted to do for a long time. The program was hard and time consuming...but I absolutely LOVE my job. I know few people actually say that...but I truly do. I get to help people, the pay is okay, and I have a great deal of autonomy. Overall...life is good. Except for one thing....my wonderful husband of 5 years (Jason) and I would love to have a family.

We have been trying to conceive #1 for about two years now. About a year ago we started seeing a fertility specialist (our RE - reproductive endocrinologist) and have been working towards our goal ever since. This past June I found out via HSG that I have a unicornuate uterus ( a rare congenital abnormality of the mulerian duct that failed to form during my embryologic state) I have one fallopian tube instead of two, a uterus 1/3 the normal size and a pelvic kidney (althoug attached and functioning perfectly thank heavens!). Needless to say, when I heard the news I was a little shocked. I thought that I was a boring person...the normal one among all of our friends! Boy I was wrong :-) But in doing so, I have been forced to take a humerous approach to the whole fertility battle. Right now...we have had two IUIs with clomid without much success....and am hoping that things turn around soon. But in the meantime, we have been able to travel...France for three weeks with a great apartment, view of the Seine and Eiffel...and have the best puppy named Neela in the world. My only hope is to stay optomistic...I don't know any other way...and for now...the best of luck for those of you trying to conceive...and for those of you who have....congrats!