Teaching in Japan

Sleep eludes me now, which is perhaps not surprising since I've had varied experiences today. The note of finality that meeting the other Assistant Language Teachers (ALTs) at the Embassy of Japan prompted as manifested in the thought "Wow, I'm really going to do this!", the thrill of knowing another Singaporean ALT teaching at Kumamoto, the nice dinner shared with ex-colleagues from my first job.

Six months into teaching at YJC, this is what I wrote then on my blog:

i think the best part about travelling is that you are temporarily and spatially released from the shackles of everyday living.

this Dec trip is memorable in the sense that it makes me feel more upbeat about my resolve to chart my life. perhaps because i am already immersed in a foreign environment, i feel that if the push really comes to shove in the future, i will be brave enough to ditch all these soul-sapping insecurities and just leave my comfort zone.

i have these things that i wish to accomplish in this lifetime:


--to backpack around the world

--to teach in a foreign land (either Japan or Thailand)

Actually, I accomplished the second goal a year later by teaching for 3 weeks at the National University of Laos. Laos isn't Thailand, no doubt but it's culturally very similar to Thailand and hence, same same but different lar. There, I felt a sense of satisfaction that was seldom replicated in the Singaporean classroom (There's another note for another day:P). I got a class to understand the difference between the present perfect tense and the present continuous tense; I got another class to review the past tense by playing the song "Because You Loved Me" and cajoling them to sing along with me. It was all good fun (and meaningful learning, I hope) that strengthened my resolve to teach someone somewhere how to read, write, listen and speak.

I'll advise my ex-students who may be reading this to just pursue their dream hard when they feel it. You are simply a different person when you get older. I'm not referring to how you will be so consumed with mind-boggling responsibilities such as career and family that you find it difficult to chase your dream.

Rather, I'm referring to how you will view the world in a different perspective than the you a couple of years before. Your paradigm will change; the things that didn't matter to you then will be rather salient in your mind. 5 years ago, I was told that I should cherish the opportunity of being a GP tutor as it provides intellectual stimulation. But to me, crafting sophisticated and cheem-sounding arguments mattered way less to me than having fun learning in the classroom. However, my upcoming stint will involve me teaching elementary and junior high (= primary and lower secondary) students and I have to confess that I am not sure whether I will find the job of an ALT intellectually unstimulating. You see, 5 years of teaching JC/poly students have conditioned me to expect a certain level of intellectual rigour from my lessons. Teaching the days of the week and colours is challenging in its own way but erm, isn't this a bit juvenile?

I hope I didn't sound too arrogant admitting that. But it's a concern weighing on my mind.

The same goes with career progression. I didn't (and still don't) hanker after positions and titles but seeing how friends around me have attained Subject Head and HOD positions does make me wonder whether I'm responsible enough for my career (and by transference, life since guys will normally equate their careers to their lives. Ha!). Objectively speaking, an ALT job seems to be a step down from the job of a polytechnic lecturer. I don't even command full attention in a classroom; I have to co-teach it with someone else. Again, I'll probably sound arrogant saying this but the ALT job doesn't evoke a sense of importance lar.

Having said all this though, I'm still thrilled to pieces about being selected as an ALT. Having spent a third of my life watching those high school dramas and admiring GTO, Gokusen, Dragon Zakura, Kinpachi Sensei--among others--either for their unbreakable spirit or their wisdom, how can I let this chance pass by? They have inspired me so much; sometimes, I wonder if I come across as passionate and committed as they are. I know it sounds ridiculous to regard GTO and Gokusen as role models but yay, I need to experience life in a Japanese school. I need to work with real-life Japanese senseis; I'm sure I will learn lots from them.

Also, airing these fears out loud perversely reveals my feel that I'm just thinking too much and confidence that I'll have a blast of a time in Japan. I just needed to be honest and admit that I have changed sufficiently such that the job of an ALT may not yield as much utility as it would have 5 years ago. Then again, if I were to embark on this straight after university graduation, I might not have found the job of an ALT appealing due to zero teaching experience and six months of half-hearted studying of Japanese. Haha.

Now, when a student asks me, "Mr Heng, do I ever give up on my dream?", I will answer, "You keep on pursuing it until it loses its lustre". As for me, this dream is still burning bright and I await for it to change my value system yet again.

Hey fellow die-hard Japan fans,

Congratulations on being short-listed for the JET interview! I'm sure you have already begun to do research to prepare yourself for this all-important interview. You have probably found this (http://qqsandbox.blogspot.com/2010/06/how-do-i-prepare-for-jet-interview.html) and this (http://my-jet-experience.blogspot.com/2009/01/jet-interview-what-i-went-through.html) but if you are anything like me, you are just dying to read more Singaporean perspectives and so, here I am, a 先輩dutifully sharing his experience. Heh

First of all, you probably would have friends who already got accepted as ALTs in previous years. They would tell you not to worry because their interviewers were friendly. This well-meaning advice, however, caused me to be caught off-guard in front of my interview panel comprising a Japanese, a Singaporean and an American. Not that they were difficult and nasty. Far from it. It's just that I had expected them to adopt a more conversational tone and take a more personal interest in me, just like how interviewers in Singapore will be when they are trying to ascertain whether you are a good fit for their organisation.
It was a businesslike setting; the American didn't even bother to look at me as I stumbled through my self-introduction. Yup, I remember thinking to myself, "This is not 'friendly'. This is just 'cordial'. Shit!" as I got so rattled by this disconnect between my expectations and the reality that my hands shook and I hastily cut short my self-introduction so as to steady my nerves.
So, be prepared to interact with people who are polite but not exactly warm.

These usual suspects would surface during your interview, so make sure you have good answers for them:
1. Why do you want to do the JET programme?
2. How long do you want to be in the JET programme?
3. What are your plans after your JET stint?
4. How would you feel if you are posted to an area with no Internet access?
5. Have you ever been to Japan? For what purpose?
6. Why did you choose your first choice? (In my case, it was Kumamoto)
7. How would you feel if you are not given any of your three choices?

After reaffirming them that I would leave it to fate regarding whether I got posted to Kumamoto, the American looked up from my Statement of Purpose and here's when the real grilling began:

1. You must have taught many foreign students throughout your career. How do you address their needs?
2. In the Japanese classroom, the Japanese teacher will be the one transmitting the finer points on grammer. How do you see your role as an ALT?
3. How will you measure the success of your involvement in the classroom?
4. It seems that you have taught two weeks in Vietnam before. How will you translate this experience into the Japanese classroom?
5. What technological trends will you harness to teach English to the Japanese?
6. Are you fond of Japanese pop culture?

Question 3 really stumped me. Given that the emphasis of the JET programme seems centered on cultural interaction, I didn't expect to have to justify my presence in the stint. So, I hesitantly bit the bullet and said, "I don't think it's easy to produce quantifiable outcomes but if the children open up and be more forthcoming, then I would say that I am doing good", all the while trying to quell the voice in my mind that screamed, "he will think that you're not answering the question!". Luckily, I thought of one of myargonauts' videos--incidentally, his Youtube vlogs detailing how you should prepare for JET application are a must-watch--that illustrated how he conducted an oral test with his students. I then abruptly switched tone to say how I would conduct an oral test to determine if I was indeed effective. Haha.

I can't remember my full response to Question 4. I said something like how my students and I used picture description to polish the Vietnamese children's oral presentation skills and how I would get my Japanese students to prepare answers to various questions so that I would have more time for discussion in the classroom. For Question 5--another question that surprised me since I thought Japanese teachers still predominantly use the chalkboard--I brought up how I would get students to post journal entries on lang-8.com, a social networking site that allows your entries to be corrected by native speakers. Upon seeing the American's deadpan expression which set the alarm bells ringing impossibly louder in my head, I stated that I would set a Twitter account for the entire class if students are scared to have their entries corrected in a public forum.

I share my answers to these questions in detail because I left the interview, feeling absolutely shitty about my chances. JETs are rotated among several schools, so it is not unusual if you meet your students once a fortnight or month. I was so busy trying to control my nerves and thinking of sensible answers quickly to avoid awkward silences that I didn't have the presence of mind to articulate how feasible my suggestions would be. On hindsight, I could have simply prefaced my answer with a "I understand that JETs do not just work in one school. So, if I meet my students once a fortnight, this is what I would do" and tried to explain how the class Twitter would work. So, hopefully this insight helps you to sound more intelligent. LOL.

You will have to stoically endure the longest and most agonising wait of your life after the interview, coupled by the fact that you will be second-guessing your answers and cursing at yourself for screwing up. I'm not being melodramatic. Every other day, I thought about how simplistic I had come across and prayed that it was indeed true that the interview wasn't the sole determinant to secure the job. You just have to live the next two months of your life as best and dignified as you can. The thing that really helped me get through this period was reading how a fellow Singaporean secured an ALT job ON HIS OWN by flying to Japan on a student visa and securing the job there (http://gaijinhan.wordpress.com/2010/11/27/a-singaporean-alt-in-japan/). The old adage "When there's a will, there's a way" never resounded so definitively for me before.

Good luck for your upcoming interview and I hope it works out!

Before the big 3-0 (II)

I never had the appetite for business.

To be honest, I don't think male teachers get a lot of respect in Singapore, if I can generalise what my student once uttered to be a sentiment held commonly: "Like you meh. Still teach in YJC". I never did let him finish that thought because I hastily interrupted, "Excuse me. I am moving on to SP". Ha!

Now, he wasn't being malicious. I think he thinks that teachers don't actually amount to much.

A sentiment shared by Ricky, my kor from NS days who once tried very hard to make me think about setting up my own business, using himself--the O level graduate who earns a five-figure sum--as an example and volunteering to find me contacts. He said bluntly that he thought I was a little selfish for not wanting to aspire to a greater life. How can my mum hold her head up high when her son is "just a teacher"?

Now, he wasn't being malicious.

But since I have always wanted to have a job that allows me to interact with people from all walks of life, I am quite happy to be a salaried employee, for if I become my own boss, won't my contacts be limited to people working in the same industry? How will I gain wisdom from people who are living lives so drastic from mine?

I don't really care if people feel that I am not living up to my potential (whatever that means), as long as I am learning stuff and doing cool stuff in my job.

Something however stirred in me while I was finishing up Chem tuition this Tuesday. It suddenly seemed to me so ridiculous that the happiest part of the day, 7-9pm be darned, was my "CCA".

I do like my work at SP. It's just that over the past year, I have grown to realise that the way I function best is with small groups of students who have devoted single-mindedly to learning from me for that period. No need for classroom discipline. No need to strategise about the best time to give breaks so that the lesson won't be disrupted. Solid, intensive work for 1-2 hours straight. Po Bronson once wrote that when he was starting out as a writer, he was very humbled that his professor, a dying AIDS patient, steadfastly invested 2 hours every week, painstakingly going through his every sentence and imparting to him the mechanics of good writing.

I thought it was awfully noble of that professor but now, I am not so sure. It's very gratifying and flattering to realise that I am the one who is opening their eyes to the fundamentals of chemistry. That I am setting their foundation right, something that they can tap on regardless of the educational route they undertake in the future. And with the hindsight of age and experience, I can confidently lead the reins and guide students on a journey, showing them how the chemistry concepts are inter-related.

I am a better Chem tutor than I was last year. And I will only get better, in time to come.

With my credentials in English, I am confident that I won't fumble too badly if I just quit SP and open my tuition centre and go all out to secure students. My seven-month stay at SP has whetted my appetite for enterprise, simply because what Ricky said to me makes more sense as the days go by: If you are investing so much energy and effort in something, that something ought to be some thing you can call your own.

Hell Yes, as a man, I need this some thing to validate my existence.

Except that the thing that brings me joy, the thing that I am good at isn't something I particularly want to do as a full-time job. The world is so big. I know I will feel trapped within the four walls of my tuition centre and pine for the good ole days of email ping pong-ing in SP because it allowed me to meet people.

And Yes, I should give myself one tight slap. Am I unnecessarily complicating my life with my dos and don'ts?

So, I remain a salaried employee. A satisfied but restless one.

Before the big 3-0 (I) (Jan 09)

I have come to a stage in life where I think blogging is self-indulgent and lack the motivation to blog because nothing exciting enough happens anyway but I was looking at an ex-student's reflection for 2009 and his conviction behind his smooth-flowing words stirred the impulse in me to write now.

I think it's fitting to start this with a reference to an ex-student since the question that has consumed me last year was this: Do I regret spending my youth--the best years of my life--as a teacher?

It's a question hard for me to answer, especially since I went for a 4-hour writing test with Singapore Press Holdings (SPH). I resolved to be a journalist since sec 2 and that writing test seemed to be my last-ditch effort to make this adolescent dream a reality.

Indeed, this is when I learnt how determined I could be, for in the weeks after the verbal interview with SPH (I passed the writing test!), I called nearly every week to ask the HR personnel if I was selected as a translator. I wanted it so badly; this is the first time in which I felt for myself how this instinct to go seize what you want! was wired into my DNA as a descendant of the primitive caveman.

I didn't get a confirmation (or rejection, for that matter) from SPH after all. Ironically, maybe it worked out for the best that I didn't get a call after all, for I wouldn't then have to choose between SPH and SP. I will never, never forget how my director generously remarked "so, SP is lucky to have you" after I confessed to her that SPH never got back to me. No matter how overworked I am in SP this year, I shall hold on to that and try my best not to complain, for it's one of those remarks that cut straight to my core and warmed me to bits.

I guess it's fitting also that I spent two weeks as an exchange student at the Beijing Language and Culture University. It's nice to just sit back and observe a fellow professional and think about how well she was teaching. The Chinese professors follow the conventions of a successful lesson quite naturally--they detailed learning objectives, summed up the lesson by giving a task and followed up on the task the next lesson. More importantly, they appeared to be knowledgeable on their subject area and if there's one thing I'm impressed about the Chinese, it's the way they appear so profound and cultured with their liberal use of cheem-sounding bombastic phrases. To some end, it kinda fired me up to want to do better after I returned to Singapore.

I was about to end this with a comment about how gratified I felt yesterday when I saw how some of my students' RWP reports were shaping up but as I was writing this, I was chatting with Sophea, my tour guide in Cambodia who was also an ex-teacher. Before long, we were swopping horror stories regarding the woes of teaching. Apparently, in Cambodia, some school principals punish teachers who are unable to finish the syllabus at the end of the year. There is even a running joke about how parents will fail to give the teacher credit when their children are performing well but will readily pinpoint the blame on him when their children don't do well. Sounds familiar?

"Teachers lead sad and tragic lives everywhere," I commented, only half in jest.

I guess I feel that I have not yet "conquered" teaching. So, it is all right if I am still in teaching. I'm not so sure whether this justifies the heartaches and qualifies as youth well-invested but I think I am coming to be at peace with myself these past few months. It's a comfortable feeling.

My fairytale ending regarding combat shoot (Not) (Dec 09)

"I think Kaile doesn't mind either way, " Kai Wei, my platoon mate confidently announced his assessment of me when asked to guess which members of the section had opted to reshoot the combat shoot.

"Hey, I wanted to reshoot!" I protested but secretly wondered if my easy-going demeanour was so apparent to someone whom I had only met for the third time and not for an extended period of interaction either.

But I could see where Kai Wei was coming from. Hell, I surprised myself too by wanting to reshoot. My track record prior to this combat shoot wasn't exactly what one would call glamourous. My Officer Commanding once half-chided in exasperation, ""Your scores for your various trials are so random that I don't know what to make of them". Now, not only was I a bobo shooter but I was an inconsistent bobo shooter. So inconsistent that my experienced Officer Commanding couldn't think of ways to redeem my performance, much as he wanted to boost the number of men who attained marksman for their ATP.

His words were so impactful that I was rather nervous when I knew that this In-Camp Training only comprised rifle training. Of course, I had passed the conversion course to SAR21 two years ago but 1. when you are fast approaching 30, two years feels like half a generation, 2. let's not mince our words, we all know how idiot-proof these SAF tests are and 3. I had still never handled SAR21 in a live firing and was particularly concerned that I would choke if I had to rectify IAs on the spot. My hands shaking, leading to a misfire--not a pretty thought.

But somehow I didn't hyperventilate and marched out there to do my day combat shoot, along with the rest of my section mates. Maybe it was the nod Jie Wen cast my way before we commenced the fire-and-movement. I did need time to adjust; I took too long to focus and fired off my last shoot just as the target board was coming down during my first station.

Aside from that lone shot, I got the rest of them in the bag. 19/20.

My section's combined score? 117/140. Not spectacular, true but still eligible for marksmanship.

Our night shoot was when our hearts got broken for the first time. Directly after our shoot, we were informed that we missed the requirement for marksmanship by only 3 shoots. Which was ironic, because one of us returned 3 live rounds due to an IA. He promptly apologised for that, feeling that he had let the section down while we pooh-poohed his apology aside, valiantly stating that no one was to be blamed, that it was fate that we didn't get marksmanship.

My dejection felt more raw because what if I had been the bobo shooter who got a single digit for his night shoot and dragged the entire section down with him? It's surreal--this kind of emotional ambivalence that I felt. On the one hand, I wished desperately for someone to announce our individual scores so that I could know how I had screwed up and started apologising profusely to my section. On the other hand, I prayed that the scores would never be announced so that no one would ever find out who the "culprit" was.

That's why I surprised myself (and Kai Wei) by replying in the affirmative when our section huddled together and Jie Wen asked each of us if we ought to fight for an opportunity for a reshoot. By wanting another opportunity to improve my shooting score rather than dismiss it altogether. And I sounded quite assertive about it too.

The reshoot felt so nervewracking that I wondered what the heck I had let myself in for. Nonetheless, I breathed and shot and did what I could. I thought I shot better.

An officer announced that we attained marksmanship, to our obvious euphoria. It really felt like one of those movies in which the underdogs persevered and fought hard and eventually triumphed, winning the state championship or whatsoever. I, for one, definitely felt great that I didn't succumb to nerves.

This tale should have ended here but in yet another ironic twist of fate, it was announced the next day that our section had not attained marksmanship after all. The officers had miscalculated the score. In fact, we performed worse than our first shoot.

I got 13/20 for our night shoot, so I wasn't the weakest link. Phew. Though as relieved as I was, my heart got shattered all over again. I'm not kidding or being dramatic. I don't even know why I care that we attain marksmanship; it is definitely not because of the $200. Maybe, as a typical Singaporean who's accustomed to (external) validation, I just wanna feel that our whole day's labour wasn't in vain after all.

Though I didn't get financially rewarded, I quite enjoyed this experience for making me feel like a part of a team, a larger entity. It's nice to feel that we literally charged forward and as one, in hopes to attain a dream. And not having chiong sua-ed together with my section mates during their active days, it's gratifying to know that finally, I had a shared experience with them.

"Now that you're a part of our section, maybe next ICT you should sleep in our bunk,"

This feeling of solidarity? Priceless

16 random thoughts after 4+ months in SP (Nov 09)

1. Lesson preparation is killing me. Gone are the days when I can swagger into a classroom with a comprehension passage. But it's nice to be able to show videos and organise mini debates in class. I'm quite impressed with the way today's teens are just so eager to engage in debate.

2. Some colleagues say I look rejuvenated and emit a glow after the Beijing Immersion Programme. Haha.

3. My favourite breakfast is the teh and bread set at Foodcourt 4. I like to order breakfast there, sit at my preferred seat and read Today and My Paper. Pity I could only do this during the term break.

4. It amazes me how some poly kids appear so street smart and wise in the ways of life when they're only 17-18. On a similar note, I think my resume pale in comparison to some of their resumes although they're a decade younger than me. Must buck up!

5. Spent two Saturdays supervising students who went through a workshop on Social Innovation. Must read up more on this framework.

6. I'm formulating my impressions of people who come from different schools. Stereotypes may be a form of sweeping generalisation but I think it's true that there are certain personality traits for students from various schools.

7. My life is compartmentalised into two-hour slots, be it lesson or meeting. Life is starting to fall into a routine and it comforts and depresses me at the same time.

8. I published a handbook for the immersion trip. Took three revisions and precious hours of my youth. Thought it was a good career achievement even if people have thrown away the handbook:)

9. I need to learn the art of giving appropriate fillers/responses when people are briefing me. Think my "Hmmm" sounds a tad forced.

10. My room mate processes information very fast. "Sorry, guys need time to think" is fast becoming my catchphrase. I am learning a lot of things from her. She thinks like a guy actually and always has the big picture in mind--something that I lack because of my lack of exposure? Sigh.

11. Interviewed a student at 11.30pm yesterday to get vital information to carry out a lesson today. Lucky for the fact that I like to do crazy things.

12. Realise that I do have some autonomy and am not a messenger as I thought I was.

13. My colleagues have interesting anecdotes to share! Gamar shared her experiences of reporting news during the Asian tsunami and I was thinking, there's no way I could match this. Another colleague knows Tan Kheng Hua and Lim Yu Beng personally. Even my students have undergone a dialogue session with Teo Ser Luck.

14. Going for a seminar next Monday that is conducted by Donald Tsang. Woah. Cool!

15. Perpetually wondering if the things I'm experiencing now will make me an engaging conversationalist because I will then have loads of interesting stories to share. Actually, I'm for the opinion that work ennobles one. I like the idea of putting in effort to earn one's keep even if I whine too much that poly lecturers do not lead an easy life. :)

16. Think it's so awesome my Chong Boon kids are studying in SP and we have a common language due to the modules they have to take. Pity I don't get to teach them.

2nd semester teaching in SP

A few people who have observed my lesson comment that I tend to overuse "okay" while I teach. "Your students may be secretly counting the number of times you utter the word 'okay', " my mentor Mrs Emily Teo once cautioned. But in all honesty, I have never been aware of this; it's my blind spot. I nod my head and pledge to be more conscious in regulating my use of "okay" but it's hard to do so because I'm not conscious about using it.

Until this week. I caught myself saying "okay" several times.

If nothing else, going for the Beijing Immersion Programme seemed to have made me less hurried about things. It's like, I am sufficiently calmed down to be able to notice the way I deliver my instructions.

Or maybe I'm just more conscious of the way I teach because I'm still feeling my way around with the students whom I only get to meet once a week.

We all know that students hate it when teachers ramble on and on, adopting a didactic style of teaching. But if truth be told, I think some of the best moments of my classes are when I get the entire class to quieten down and launch into an explanation of what they ought to do for their upcoming CAs.

I mean, some students get very restless and can't concentrate when tasked to work on pair/group work. If left to their own devices, the activities won't allow them to apply what they have learnt because their hearts aren't in it in the first place.

They are quite all right though when I get their classmates to present the activity. Maybe I should think of activities that can involve the entire class.

4th National Bilingual Speech Contest

Committed to nurturing young people to become confident communicators, CASS has always tirelessly initiated opportunities to enable teenagers to hone their public speaking skills. For the second year running, it collaborated with Kranji Secondary School to organise the 4th National Bilingual Speech competition held at Singapore Polytechnic on 29th August. This was a prestigious platform for aspiring orators to express their views persuasively and bounce them off their peers in the spirit of spontaneous and uninhibited intellectual discourse.

In an act that demonstrated the synergy between the two institutions, CASS lecturers, Ms Christina Lum and Mr Heng Kai Le teamed up with Mdm Yong Siow Ling, the HOD of Languages from Kranji Secondary to conduct a preparatory workshop on 15th August 2009 for this year's participants. The participants were a lively and motivated audience, eagerly applying the useful tips they had gained from the facilitators in group activities and unabashedly presenting their ideas before other groups.

Subsequently, Ms Lum and Mr Heng also served as judges for the preliminary round held on 22nd August. They were honoured to exchange pointers regarding the essentials of good communication with the distinguished panel of judges who were adroit wordsmiths and charismatic communicators themselves.

CASS is proud to have contributed towards the success of the 4th National Bilingual Speech Contest and towards the promotion of the bilingual scene in Singapore.

---
cheap thrill, i know
but hey, i wrote the article and provided the photo
enjoyed the feeling of reporting news sia!

Fast forward 3 years from the time I wrote Part 1 of this note. I'm really glad to have exhibited the courage to leave MOE and embark on a new adventure at SP. I'm also quite proud of the fact that I would have attained my translation diploma at the end of this year.

I have actually taught for 3 weeks in Laos, so I guess I could strike goal 2 (teaching in a foreign land) off the list but I think this is the part where my natural stubborness kicks in.

I'm atypical from the average Singaporean in the sense that I have always known what I want to achieve. In fact, I have very fixated notions of how to attain those dreams. With regard to certain things, I need to attain certain dreams in a specific form or else I would not feel fulfilled.

For instance, I used to think that I have sold out because I never studied Mass Communications despite having settled on it as my heart's desire since Sec 3. I chickened out when I went to AJC instead of trying out for the writing test at Ngee Ann Poly. I gave up studying Mass Communications at NTU because I felt compelled to take up the teaching scholarship.

I have no qualms about teaching and certainly don't think that my past 3 years in YJC were a waste of youth. I don't begrudge the 3 years of university chemistry like I used to either, for I love O level chemistry to bits. It may sound like I am refusing to leave a part of my adolescence behind but I am always happy to teach O level chemistry tuition.

It's just that I feel like I have settled for something less, that I never went all out to pursue what I really really want. I have been wondering about this for quite a bit this year since I went for interviews both at SP and Singapore Press Holdings.

The opportunity of being able at SPH is like having a spiritual orgasm. I'm not kidding; it means that much to me. Yet, a part of me feels glad that the interview with SPH didn't work out, for I feel quite honoured to work in SP. Witnessing the high levels of dedication everyone brings to their jobs is very humbling; it makes me wonder how the hell I managed to pass the interview. It makes me motivated to give it my all, not because my male ego needs stroking, not because I am ambitious about climbing the corporate ladder but because I want to do justice to the trust and faith these SP people placed in me when they hired me. And I'm really glad that my motivation for working hard boils down to such a simple and humanistic desire to make others feel justified in their hiring decision.

Come two years later, I won't regret the time at SP but I would certainly wonder about my chances in the mass media industry. Is 31 too late to start all over again?

When do you let dreams go?
Am I just too stubborn to die-die want to work as a journalist/PR executive?
Why is studying Mass Communications so important to me anyway?

Should I take up a Masters in Mass Communications or not? In all likelihood, getting this Masters won't do much to advance my career; I just want to fulfill an adolescent dream. I don't like it when fellow Singaporeans pragmatically question me what I intend to do with this Masters.But I feel them. Time is such a scarce commodity in Singapore and I don't want to slog two or three years on a Masters that won't bring much impact to my future.

So you see, this is why I feel it difficult to answer when people assume that I'm happier at SP. I am definitely not unhappy. In fact, I wasn't unhappy at YJ. But I don't know if what I'm going through now can be classified as "living life to the fullest".

How do I know if I'm happy happy? And indeed, will I ever know?

That's also the thing with my goal 2. Essentially, it's teach in Japan under JET or naught. Even teaching in Thailand, a nation that has a soft spot in my heart, is a distinct second. Am I just too stubborn to hanker after this dream in this specific form? Why won't teaching in UAE or China be enough? Why Japan specifically? But there it is. The mind can rationalise all it wants but it can't alter the way the heart feels.

I love to be spontaneous so it's ironic that I have actually formulated my 3-year plan:

1. Finish my 2 years at SP. I won't quit for another job.
2. Learn Japanese now. Apply for JET next year.
3. Teach in Japan in 2011.
4. Come back from Japan to find a job in the mass media industry/do my Masters

I hate planning yet my subconscious has nudged me and laid my plans for me. I am not sure if this is pathetic.

And yup, it's no wonder that marriage is not on the cards. seriously. haha.

p/s: Happy 29th Birthday to me:)

I'm really awestruck by the high levels of professionalism exhibited by my SP colleagues.

Like two fridays before when Gill easily held the audience's attention during his lecture. People were actually triggered to answer his teaser questions even though it was after 6pm! His explanation was perfectly in sync with his slides and everything was so well-timed--his sarcasm, his humour, his attempt to relate complicated issues to the Singapore context.

I felt like such an impostor. You mean people like me can get by teaching GP in such a lackluster manner for 3 years?! Omg. How did I even secure the job at SP in the first place?

Like the lesson observation last week. Susan, my Reporting Officer--my direct boss--actually took the time out to type out her suggestions on how I could incorporate student-centred activities to enliven my lesson. It was like woah! I am touched that she would go to such an extent to share her experiences. This is especially so when I am starting to feel the intensity of the workload; she must be 10 times busier.

Like yesterday when Helen gave us a laminated certificate for successfully completing Poly 50. I mean, I thought I was rather thoughtful for emailing all the group photo we took before the race but she actually went to all this trouble. Again, there's nothing in it for her work-wise.

Or like yesterday when I met up with personnel at Centre for Experience Design to understand more about design thinking and this director took time out to spend time understanding about what my department hoped to achieve. Isn't the obvious thing to do is leave me with his subordinate? And after our meeting, he actually crafted a detailed email to my director--principal of the school--expounding on the discussion outcomes and expressing eagerness to collaborate together. highly efficient!

I feel lucky to learn from all these positive role models. :)

this is how my weeknights for last week went:

mon-watched harry potter and the half-blood prince
tues-watched blindness
wed-stoned and did nothing
thurs-watched finale of Prison Break
fri-went for translation class. mercifully, i stayed for the entire thing

think i should kick some butt and involve myself more in activities. i feel quite lazy. haha. then again, i like how i can just stone in front of the television and not think, letting it guide me whichever way it deems fit.

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brought some kiddos to the Temasek Seminar, a platform organised by Mindef Scholarship Centre to engage our best and brightest in defence and security issues

actually i quite enjoyed myself. before the speeches, this LTC from the Navy tried to entertain us and the kids from River Valley High and I was quite impressed with his easy charm and witty way of using simple analogies to convey ideas and pitch at the intellectual level of adolescents. it definitely made me think about whether i am an effective communicator in class and how i could break down complex ideas using things that youths are familiar with and passionate about. hmm, i think this sort of finesse is primarily acquired with time. which then leads to my burning question of all time: how does one acquire depth beyond his years ah?

i think DPM Teo Chee Hean was quite marvellous. he did a very good round-up of the presenters' speeches and helped draw the connections before commencing the forum. he appeared quite sincere in wanting to listen and more than once asked the student to answer her/his question before venturing a response. he encouraged students to respond to one another's concerns. it's quite different from the Q & A format that I expected and am accustomed to. i think it takes a gregarious and confident person to be able to shape the dialogue in such an interactive and collaborative manner.

some student brought up how MM Lee Kwan Yew commended how one could just leave newspapers and a bowl unattended to in the 1950s and no one would steal the money and newspaper copies. it was a question that commanded the audience's imagination quite tenaciously after Mr Teo Chee Hean tweaked the anecdote as such: If this were to happen in your school, do you think this project would succeed? It dominated the bulk of the discussion as people were compelled to share of their experiences in sec sch and/or make side comments to add on to the inputs.

is there any society out there that can exhibit such an atmosphere of trust? or is that only an utopia?

it was a good-refreshing-opportunity to hear the youngsters express their struggle to identify with Singapore. which prompted another question in my mind: years after now, would i lament the fact that i have never worked overseas?

i think the challenge of being a Generation Y citizen is that while we are privileged to have choices, it is so darn difficult to make an informed decision when you know that you may change to be someone different, which would be at odds with the person who made that decision all these years ago. In theory, one can come to terms with not making the best decision on hindsight but doesn't a void constantly remind?

i wonder if i had gone into mass comms all these years ago, would i be struggling now to enter the teaching profession? On some days, i have this strong urge to find answers even when i know there're none.