Philly is Chilly

What a strange week is has been. I've got so many things taking up my mental space. First, I'm a mom. And, at this stage in my life, that takes up the most mental space. Sometimes, I think I am getting dementia or I have brain damage. That is not hyperbole. Sometimes, I honestly think there is something wrong with my brain because I say and do the craziest things or forget how to do something I've done 100 times. Like a "senior moment" except that I'm in my 40s. I'm starting to think these things happen because of the mental load of keeping everything straight regarding everyone in my family and everything in my home.

I start to feel like I am losing my mind because, on top of the mental load of the home and family, I am trying to cram in a ton of information that I need to keep straight on a daily basis about my job with CCHC. This is usually where the parts that I look like I am losing my mind come out. Like, I will be talking to one of my bosses, who both have their lives in strict order (I'm not kidding) and I will cross wires in the most ridiculous ways and the strangest things come out of my mouth. Or, I'm supposed to send an email to Dr. Gillean and all of the sudden I will send it to Dr. Gilfillan -- and, even though their names sound alike, they are completely different people in completely different states that we are working with in completely different capacities. Of course, I cc my bosses on said email.

I just keep rollin with it.

Added to the mental load of home and family and the CCHC job there is the PEGUS job. Which has been on hold since October. It has been a nice hiatus from all the travel (only out of town once for CCHC from October until now). But, it has not been nice to go so long without an extra paycheck. The PEGUS money was supposed to be extra. But, of course we grew accustomed to it quickly. So, I'm about ready for the money drought to be over.

Another new thing taking up my mental real estate is a huge conference in San Diego coming up the first week of May. My colleague is planning it and asked me to assist her. Things are ramping up for CleanMed. It's exciting and a little stressful.

Then, the same colleague asked me to help her with yet another May meeting she is planning that is completely unrelated to everything else. Not to travel, just the backend stuff. So, I set up the registration platform, but, then I was like, hold on! This is getting a little crazy wearing all these different hats. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard to do a spreadsheet for one group and switch gears to a registration platform for another group and then switch gears again and start uploading materials to a website for a different group and stop all that to run a webinar for another group. (And, maybe jump on a plane and collect FDA research for something different entirely in the middle of it all--I digress). But, suddenly I start sending Dr. Gillean's emails to Dr. Gilfillan and I can't remember if I'm working on the meeting in St. Louis or the one in San Diego. I end up looking like a crazy fool and I'm like--slow it all down a little!

I left out that my kids are asking me to please warm some chicken nuggets while I'm focusing on keeping all these balls related to work from dropping.

So ... today I told my colleague I'm going to have to draw the line at the San Diego pre-conference prep and just say no to the other new conference work she is throwing my way. I realized I had a problem yesterday when I started contemplating finding a new job rather than say "no" and risk disappointing my colleague. Why is it so hard for me to say "no"? I'll tell you why--I have a problem with people pleasing and I'm starting to understand that I need to work on it. So, I said "no" to one project and "yes" to a host of others and I give myself permission to not try to make everyone happy all the time.

It is spring break. I was supposed to be in Philly this week for a PEGUS study--the first one in 2018. I was drooling for that extra paycheck. My flight and hotel were scheduled and I traveled to SLC last Thursday for an all day training. I was set to leave early yesterday morning and get back late Friday night. At the end of the training, after half of us had already checked out laptops and left the building (I was still there), they got a call saying the study was cancelled. Or, more accurately postponed. Nevertheless, this week's travel was called off. It was a shock!

Friday is my birthday and Brian and I were joking because last time I was out of town (in January) it was our anniversary. We were also in different states for his birthday last fall. We were joking that it was becoming our thing to be apart for all special occasions. But, now I'm here so I guess it isn't our thing after all.

The newspaper today said there is a freak snowstorm in Philly. I'm glad I'm missing out on that.

Now, I'm home and it's spring break. And, my first thought when the study was canceled was that I should take my kids out to have fun and make some memories.

Alas, there is still work to do. Work for CCHC. And, work for CleanMed. But, not work for PEGUS or that other meeting that I said "no" to. The house needs attention. And, more pressing than that, our washer bit the dust on Saturday. It's a mighty good thing I am not in Philly because I have spent the better part of the past four days using nearly all of the space in my brain to figure out what washing machine to buy. This is not an easy decision! You see, I've never had a nice washer and dryer. I've never had a washer that I really, truly loved and I haven't even had a matched set. So, the plan was that when this washer or dryer broke, I would finally get the washer/dryer set of my dreams.

But, those dreams were shattered when salesperson after salesperson explained to me that I could drop $3K or more on a set that looks lovely and has all the bells and whistles, but those horrible people manufacturing all the washers and dryers these days are so filled with greed that they are making them with plastic parts that are sure to break in under ten years. $3K for a washer/dryer that lasts less than 10 years! Some salespeople are telling me that even the beautiful and popular LGs are sometimes breaking in as little as 2 years. And, those greedy manufacturers are charging so much for replacement parts, people are ending up buying brand new again. I guess it's kind of a gamble because I could get a washer/dryer that I love for up to 10 years. Even 15 if I'm really lucky--but, I'm pretty sure the people making it to 15 years are not doing nearly as much laundry as me.

I resisted and resisted buying the super boring Speed Queen. It's just like washing machines of days gone by. Not a single bell or whistle or anything sleek in its design. And, the worst part? It's not even large capacity. At least my washer that bit the dust was large capacity. Oh, how I loved washing those giant loads of laundry all at once. But, I am finally convinced. To top it off, I found a scratch and dent discounted to $750. At least I'm not paying $1K for this reliable workhorse that offers nothing in the tantalizing department. Can washing machines be tantalizing? Turns out, if you wash enough laundry, they can be.

Brian is picking up our Speed Queen in the morning and at least I can wash the laundry again. I have a pretty small window between the washer breaking and needing to spend 12-hours at my mom's house to get caught up on all the loads.

In other news, my kids are doing great. When we moved to this house, there was not one girl Katie's age in the area for years. My prayers have been answered because now there are a pack of girls her age and she runs around with them every chance she gets. They go up and down the street, rotating between about five houses, and the best part is that all the moms of all the girls are happy to feed them and entertain them. She is watching a movie at one house, jumping on the trampoline at the next and then those girls are off to a hot tub party. It suddenly feels like she is eight going on sixteen.

I guess she has finally won me over to the idea of homeschooling for another year. It is hard to say no because I love the program so much. I only wanted to put her in school because it felt like it was what was best for her for the social aspect. She is so lonely during the day when all of her friends are at school. But, I guess we will see how it goes.

Isaac keeps busy writing code on his computer, making fires in the backyard, biking, scootering and being curious about the world in general.

Ian's musical talents continue to blossom. He has one more week of winter line (indoor marching band). They took first place at their last competition! I'm so proud of him for continuing to earn straight A's in school; for tackling all of his core classes online, an option he chose because the online courses are actually more challenging and he was feeling bored at school. He is a social butterfly, spending every spare moment with his large circle of friends. I love getting to be a fly on the wall when the gang hangs out at our place.

Last Saturday, Sophie went to prom. That girl has gone to every school dance since the beginning of 9th grade. At first, it was because she was on the planning committee. On dance days, she helped set up and clean up and of course she wanted to go hang out at the event in between. After she turned 16, I think we both assumed it would turn into her going with a date or at least a friend group. Sadly, that hasn't happened yet. But, my sweet girl has persevered in making the best of it. She had such a gorgeous lavender dress for prom. Simply my favorite one yet. She asked me to take her to dinner so I did. Then we went to a swanky place for dessert (1107 for creme brulee). I looked across the table at my stunning daughter and I thought about how lucky I was to get to be with her in that moment; a moment most parents only imagine or, if they are lucky, get to hear about when it is done. I decided to stop being sad that these dances haven't looked the way she or I expected and to appreciate the unique experience we were having.

Also on Saturday, I got to go to a group run/pancake breakfast that Brian organized. Here is the story about that. Three years ago, when Brian worked for GOAL Foundation, he brought Mountain Luxury on as a major sponsor. Together they decided to host a group run with a free pancake breakfast and some prize giveaways leading up to the Ogden Marathon. I think he said three people showed up, so it was kind of a bust. After he left GOAL, he was hired by Mountain Luxury and he decided to try the event again last year. About 50 people showed up. So, this year, he decided to give it another go and there were about 200 people there! It was quite amazing to see what he had pulled together. I was really proud of him.

It's spring break. I'm getting a new washer. It's chilly in Philly and I'm so glad I'm not trying to drive a rental car through the traffic and the snow in a strange place. It's pretty chilly in Ogden too. But, we are rollin with it. Taking life one day at a time.

Growing Pains

Today I logged 7 hours of work in the home office and washed 7 loads of laundry. I accomplished all of this and took a shower too. But, I skipped the gym and Katie and Isaac's homeschool lessons. I'm not really counting it as a skipped homeschool day because, all on their own, they watched episode after episode of Bill Nye and Our Planet Earth. That is some educational stuff! I learned a lot from Bill playing in the background and I saw a sloth swimming in some beautiful blue water. Did you know sloths can swim? But elephants can't jump and Madagascar seems like a pretty cool place to visit.

No gym. No homeschool. I cleaned up the fortress that's been part of the living room decor for the past week and vacuumed the rug. I fed Katie and Isaac some lunch, but I didn't make any dinner. This is my life these days. Some days I cook and clean, some days. But, on those days, I am lucky if I log 1 or 2 hours of work in the home office. Most days I sit with the kids while they do their homeschool lessons and some days lately I've gotten myself to stop by the gym after dropping Sophie off at early morning seminary. I have come to a place where I accept that I cannot do it all and I try to be satisfied with what I have done and let all the undone things of the day go. It is hard because so many things are left undone every single day.

This is a busy time no doubt. My days are full and I try to hold onto the moments as much as I can. I am torn about so many things when it comes to my kids growing up. On the one hand, it's kind of weird when Ian asks me to drive him and his friends to Jake's Over the Top for fries and shakes because I just sit in the car for an hour and wait for them to finish. So, it will be nice when he gets his license in the fall and he can drive to all the places he needs to go. On the other hand, he will have his license and will drive himself everywhere he needs to go and that is a little sad that I won't get to take a little peek in the window now and then and see him and his friends laughing while they eat their fries and shakes. Such a dilemma for a mom, you know?

It is the same with Katie and Isaac. Next year, the plan is for them to go to school. Isaac ages out of the homeschool program since he'll be in the 7th grade. There is a 50/50 chance Katie will end up staying in the homeschool program; but I fear she will be so bored without Isaac at home with her and the older she gets the more she wants to be with friends all day. So, we will try regular school for both of them next year. On the one hand, it will be so nice to have uninterrupted hours in my day to put in time at the home office. Oh, to finish a typing or editing something without an interruption! And, homeschooling the kids won't have to be an item on my list that goes unchecked now and then. On the other hand, it brings me a lot of joy to see them here and know that they are safe and happy. Sometimes bored, but mostly not too miserable. Not bullied. Not treated poorly by teachers or left out at recess. They are safe and they are happy. So, sending them to school is good and also sad.

I think the real sadness is that I am growing older. I started on this journey of motherhood and it seemed like my years of being a young mom stretched out indefinitely across the horizon for as far as my eyes could see. When we considered that Isaac might be our last baby, I couldn't believe that only 4 years after I started my journey, I was done with having babies. There would be no more babies and it seemed like I had only had my first baby one moment before. Alas, there was one more baby for us nearly four years after that thought and I can honestly say that four kids spanning eight years has been the magic number to sufficiently wear me out and make me certain that we reached our absolute limits.

Having young children was heaven for me. Especially the elementary years. I adored my years as a young mom and there is a sadness to seeing it passing. My baby is almost nine-years-old and by the end of summer the other three will be teens. Big changes for our family this fall as we enter the stage where one child is a senior, one enters his first year of high school and one enters his first year of junior high and two get their driver's licenses. At least I assume two will get their licenses. Sophie just turned 17 and has so far been unmotivated to get hers. But, I'm pretty sure when Ian turns 16 in November he will want to get his right away and this will spur Sophie to action as she will not want to be upstaged by her younger brother.

Even though I loved being a mom to young kids, I can also see that it starts to wear you out. I am not the same mom to Katie at 8 as I was to Sophie at 8. Not that one version of me was better or worse; but different. I can't stay in the same place forever. I loved reading board books to my babies, but then I wanted to move on to picture books and then chapter books as my kids grew up. I loved reading board books to my babies, but I don't want to keep reading board books for the rest of my life. Time marches on and to a great extent I have enjoyed all of the stages so far. Well--I'll be honest, the teenage years with Sophie have been rough, but, yes I've even enjoyed those to the greatest extent that I can. It is fun to see your kids grow into the people you've been watching them morph into since they showed up in your arms as tiny bundles. It's sad, but it's good.

Becoming Courageous

This shot with Sophie and me in the crowd and a close up shot of me where I am holding my sign over my head ran in several online news articles

Well ... if anyone reads my blog anymore (besides me, I'm really not sure!), I might create some bad feelings with this post. That is not my intention. Like the title suggests, I'm working on becoming more courageous, starting with having the courage to record a significant event that happened in my life Saturday.

I attended my first ever political rally, ironically on the same day Sophie attended her first political rally. She actually invited me. She is way more progressive than me.

Last year, I was intrigued when I heard there would be a "Women's March." I wondered what it was about? I was curious to the point that I kind of wanted to participate, but I guess my interest was not piqued enough to do my research and learn that there was a sister march taking place right here in Ogden, Utah! If I had realized that, I might have driven down the street to take part in what is now being called the largest march in history.

Truth be told, I was out of town the week before the 2017 women's march and got in late Friday night. So, I didn't want to wake up first thing Saturday morning and leave my kids again. But, now I wish I had.

When I woke up that day, I remember lying in my bed and looking at my facebook feed to see a livestream of the massive crowd in Washington, D.C. I looked at that enormous group of women gathered in solidarity for women and tears of joy began to flow. I listened to some of the speakers get up and tell their stories about sexual violence and other struggles (one lady told about being the victim of rape and then having to fight for a new law to be passed to get her rape kit tested in the aftermath) and more hot tears just flowed down my cheeks. I was so moved. It was obvious to me that we can and must do better for women.

It was a moment I can never forget. I was transformed.

Then, I saw the photos of women marching by the tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands in other cities and photos of crowds or women however large (or small) gathered on every continent on earth!!! Every. Continent. Over 4 million women came out to show support for women all over the globe on this single day for this single event!!!

4 million marchers and not one single arrest. Talk about a crowd with pure intentions.

It was one of the most meaningful moments in my entire life. It touched me deeply. To me, it signified a sisterhood without borders like I had never experienced before. Caught up in the emotion of the moment, I almost said something on facebook, like, "This is one of the most beautiful events, I can not believe what I am seeing!" Even though I usually try really hard to remain politically neutral on social media. It didn't even occur to me that it wasn't one of the most beautiful moments for every woman, or at least the vast majority because I know there are always some outliers in every situation.

I didn't post a comment right then. And, to my huge surprise, when I scrolled through my facebook feed later in the day there were tons of my facebook friends posting #notmymarch and disparaging the march as a "Pro-choice" or at least "Anti-pro-life." When the local newspaper reported on it the next day, it was referred to as an "Anti-Trump March."

This made me really sad. I wished all women could come together and link arms in solidarity on this one point--that we are women and we love each other and we want the world to be a better place for women no matter if we personally are pro-choice or pro-life, for or against the President, or wherever we find ourselves politically on any issue. For one beautiful moment in time can't we be women making a show that is pro-woman, millions of us together, supporting each other simply because we are sisters?

Once I saw it was controversial, I didn't want to say anything at all. My feelings were so tender. I felt like someone disparaging the event to me directly could really affect my relationship to that person. Some people who attended the march were anti-Trump, but that was not the heart of the message. I also didn't feel it had to be offensive to people who are pro-life even though there was a strong pro-choice message. How sad to dismiss the whole event over one or two points. I chose to see it as a beautiful gathering of women across the entire world standing together for women and the many diverse and complex backgrounds we come from and various beliefs we hold. To call it a pro-choice rally or an anti-Trump demonstration, in my opinion, missed the point.

I was wondering if there would be a women's march 2.0. I was sad I had missed my opportunity to take part in the first. So, when Sophie found information about a women's march in Ogden on the day before the one year anniversary of the original event and invited me to go, of course I said "yes."

Our signs read, "One is not born courageous, one becomes so," -Marijane Satrapi. I feel like this quote fits me perfectly. I was raised believing that feminist is a bad word. And, I guess I've never considered going to a rally because it didn't seem like the polite and ladylike thing to do. If my life had turned out the way I imagined it would, I guess I might still be happy to stay in that place of thought. But, God had other plans for me and after walking through the the burning refiner's fire for most of the last two decades, I guess all of that has brought me to this moment in time. This moment where I step out of that place that was engraved in my heart since birth and try to learn another way. As painful as it has been to grow into this new place of thinking over the years, maybe I can even say now, it is a better way. Moving from one place to the other takes a lot of courage. Going to the march took courage. Holding my sign high when the photographer pointed his camera my way took courage. Writing this post took courage after being too scared to share my feelings about the women's march for the past twelve-months.

When I arrived at the rally, I started to feel nervous that it was going to be a lot of negativity; and I don't like it when people get heated up with negativity whether our views align or not. Using hate and negativity is never the answer. So, I was relieved and so happy when all the speakers kept the message positive. Wow--it was such an incredible empowering day! Then I saw the photos in the news with me and my daughter standing there side by side at the Women's March 2.0. Then, the photos of the women's marches worldwide started flooding the internet. It was not on the scale it was last year. But, still pretty overwhelming.

I woke up today to the following quote in the newspaper by Davis County Republican precinct chair Casey Fisher, "The more I study history the more I think giving voting rights to others not head of household has been a grave mistake." As Ian and I discussed this, he asked, "Why would he say it has been a grave mistake?" And, I said, "Great question!" Is it because now, 90-years later, women are still asking to be treated equally? Because the #metoo movement is exposing sexual predator behavior in the workplace? Like Ian, I would really like to understand the reason behind such a statement.

Reading this was as shocking as reading a letter written to the editor two years ago by another Utah GOP official explaining why simple economics dictate that women should never be paid equal wages to men. It blows my mind that people hold these sentiments privately much less expressing them publicly. As long as people say these things or think them, I will be compelled to join with my sisters and march and my courage to do so will continue to grow.

I am so happy I got to take part this year. I'm so proud of Sophie for helping me find my voice. Our signs may have said, "One is not born courageous ..." but I think she was.

2018--Our Most Blessed Year!

 We welcomed 2018 with a trip to Loveland Aquarium on New Year's Day.

 Bunny love!

We found a home for Katie's 100+ stuffed animals; now we can see her bedroom floor again.

Last night was a beautiful snowstorm after a long string of warm sunny days that have felt like spring. It has been the best January I can remember--usually a cold, bleak month that gets me feeling down. I have been soaking it in! 

Last night, Ian had a houseful of friends over, Sophie had a friend over, and Katie and Isaac had a cousin over. I wandered through my full house and basked in the happy vibes. It was a wonderful feeling to see all of my kids enjoying themselves. It was nice to have them all at home, know where they were, who they were with and what they were doing. They are growing up! In the next twelve months, I will no doubt have two with driver's licenses and then they will be excited to go out and have fun with their friends at places other than home. In many ways, I wish I could freeze time right now. Which is funny, because right now is also such a struggle in many ways. The oppositional nature of life!

I mostly wanted to write down my feelings about last night, but I guess I'll re-cap the past month as well. 

What a lovely December we had with Katie so excited to find her pal the Elf of the Shelf every day. It was the perfect holiday season with just the right amount of busy, but not too much. Right after Christmas wrapped up, we did get a little crazy by scheduling a family photo shoot and getting Sophie and Ian's wisdom teeth out. 

The photo shoot was way more stressful leading up to it than the actual shoot. Our family photo shoots are traditionally sooooo stressful that someone always cries (sometimes me--which is not great for my smile or my make-up) right in the middle. Even though I wanted a photo where my 8-year-old is older than one-year-old to hang on the wall, I was dreading the actual shoot. Then, Brian, smartly asked a co-worker who is a photographer to take our family photo. It was magic! Instead of Brian trying to TAKE the photo and BE IN the photo simultaneously and being frustrated, we could all be in the photo and smile at the camera and it was super helpful too that she could see us and say, "put your chin up" or "tilt your head that way" or whatever other instructions we needed (rather than shooting a bunch of photos, then looking at the shots to see what we are all doing wrong and trying to adjust and shooting a bunch more photos ...) Total game changer!

The day after family photos, Sophie and Ian got their wisdom teeth out. They were so cute cuddled up on the sectional with their chipmunk cheeks and ice-packs and they recovered really well. Much easier than getting tonsils and adenoids out (the surgeries they had earlier in 2017). 

We had a really nice holiday season and a fun Christmas Day followed by the most mild January weather in recent history. Some gift highlights were a full-length mirror for me (now I am dreaming about how to remodel the entry way so we can hang it); a marathon medal lamp for Brian; light up Heelys for Sophie; weights, soccer pants and soccer ball for Ian; a pogo stick for Isaac (he has bounced on it SO much; I mean like a possible record breaking number of bounces; and, so much that he actually broke it after 3-weeks; I'm pretty sure he wore it out; Amazon is shipping us a new one); Katie got a stuffed owl and a nutcracker from Santa as well as an ipod. This goes against our normal rule of being at least 11 before you get your own electronic. But, it's been a rough year for her being the only one in the house without a device (and rough on me since she always wants to use my phone-haha!). Plus, we had an extra iPod after we bought Ian his first phone a few months ago. So, I guess it's one of the perks of being the youngest. She will no doubt get her first phone before she is 15 for the same reason!

In other news, Brian's Real Estate venture is really taking off. So grateful for that. And, I am staying busy with my two freelance jobs. It has been a real gift to have the past three months off from travel. My next trip is the end of this month (to St. Louis). I have another to Peoria, IL in April, and another to San Diego in May. And, I haven't even gotten my travel schedule for my PEGUS job yet. So, it's going to be another busy year of travel I'm sure. In some ways, it is hard, but in other ways it is great. That whole opposition in all things again--haha.

Monument Valley 2017

This week:

Ian turned 15 and we had a crab feast to celebrate.

Katie, Isaac and Anna made these turkey shirts in their art class.

 Katie and Anna had fun playing with bubbles in the shower after their swim lesson.

 Sophie had her adenoids removed

 Katie made this angry face at a tavern in Green River.

We saw the most beautiful sky on our drive through Mexican Hat to Monument Valley.

 We had this view from our hotel room in Monument Valley.

 This beautiful balcony begged me to do some yoga in the sun and I did.

 This guy ran his 41st marathon in Monument Valley.

 This is my view right now from the hotel lobby.

Just killing some time hanging out with Sophie in the hotel lobby while Brian runs and Ian took Katie and Isaac on a little hike. Sophie doesn't feel like doing much yet (her surgery was a few days ago). Monument Valley is a pretty place and so relaxing.

Summer 2017 Wrap up--Bear Lake, St. Louis, Bear Lake Take 2, NYC, Oregon

June 2017 was a month of back-to-back work trips. It started with a four day trip to Chicago for a CCHC meeting followed by a week in Dallas and a week in Moreno Valley, CA for a brand new job with PEGUS Research.

June 6, 2017--My hotel, The Kimpton Grey in Chicago.

Rooftop dinner with my team.

Presence Health--the gorgeous building where we held our meeting. I took this photo June 8 during the architecture tour by boat.

June 16, 2017--the gorgeous building where I completed my first PEGUS Research study in Dallas.

June 19, 2017--pretty clouds flying into Moreno Valley. The first of many months when I would visit three different states for work in under 30 days.

The first week in July (including the 4th of July), we received a last minute invite to our favorite Bear Lake cabin with the Nestels. Heidi and her kids could only be there for two-days, so it was mostly a week for my kids and me to enjoy having the cabin all to ourselves. My brother and his family even joined us for the last two days. It was everything we love about Bear Lake -- swimming, seeing millions of stars at night, s'mores over the campfire, famous shakes, trips to the Chocolate Bear for chocolate dipped raspberries ... and lots of time to chill out next to that gorgeous aqua colored water.

I was really impressed that Isaac built the campfires all by himself this year, a skill he learned in his Wilderness Survival class at DaVinci Distance--the public school/homeschool program we participate in. One night, when Isaac and I were laying under the stars together, he started talking about what if we disappear into oblivion when we die? It was a deep conversation. I love that boy's mind. I don't want to forget the "raft" Katie, Isaac and Anna made out of a giant piece of plywood they found drifting in the lake. They had hours of fun paddling that thing around. And, I don't want to forget the lovely dinner we had on the patio at a Mexican restaurant on our way out of town -- Sophie's choice. 

The next week, I traveled to St. Louis for a PEGUS study. I stayed in a hotel right downtown near the arch and the Cardinal's Stadium. The cool thing about my office was that it was right next to the stadium and the people who work there full-time have floor to ceiling windows in their offices with a view of the field so they can watch the games. There was a really great BBQ restaurant--Sugarfire--right by my hotel too.

July 11, 2017--Doesn't this elevator in my hotel remind you of the Tower of Terror?

Another cute hotel room. St. Louis for PEGUS Research July 2017.

The week after I worked in St. Louis, the kids and I headed back to Bear Lake for Brian's family reunion. One of Brian's sisters found a great place in Paris, Idaho that accommodated our whole enormous extended family. There was one huge house that had tons of beds, a big kitchen, and room for enough tables to seat us all at mealtimes. There was also a nice yard where the kids had fun with water balloon fights. Some of the families (including my kids and me) stayed in one of the private apartments across the street. Just before I left to head up to the reunion, one of my friends asked if I would take her daughter, Zoe and I figured, "Why not?" That was nice because she is a great kid and a good friend to both Katie and Isaac (she is Isaac's age), so they enjoyed getting to play with her at their favorite lake.

The first day we arrived, we joined everyone for a tour of Minnetonka Cave. The cave dripped water on us and the tour guide said they were "cave kisses." Ian posted on Instagram that he had his "first kiss in Paris," hahahaha. That night, after dinner with the extended family and a water balloon fight, we had retreated to our private abode where we had opened every window, but it was so sweltering hot and not the slightest breeze. I will always remember playing apples to apples with the kids and having so much fun despite the stifling heat that permeated the whole place, our faces flushed and our bodies damp with sweat, and then finally, sometime after 10:00pm feeling the slightest drop in the temperature and being so happy about it. Then, we went outside to see the million stars we are use to seeing at Bear Lake -- but SAD for us that since we were on a main road in Paris, Idaho instead of the more remote cabin where we normally stay. We could hardly see any more stars than we see at home in Ogden! But, then we saw bats flying around and the it distracted the kids from their disappointment.

The next day, the whole extended family went to North Beach and my kids had the greatest time ever playing in the sand and swamping grandpa's canoes over and over for hours. It was a wonderful, wonderful day! I would have liked to have more days like that, but alas, it was the only one.

June 20, 2017--Another great trip to Bear Lake! Look at Ian's muscles. My kids are so strong.

A beautiful day and night at the lake. Look at the storm rolling in at this picture at sunset. Busy by day, had the beach to ourselves at night!

During the day, the kids swamped grandpa's canoes for hours and it never got old.

We drove off just as it began to downpour!

Paris Ice Caves.

That evening, after dinner, I took my kids back to North Beach and we had the whole place to ourselves! It was such a different feeling than the crowded beach of the day with portable shade tents in a line as far as the eye could see. It was just us and that calm beautiful lake and it was truly one of the best nights of my whole life. We watched the most gorgeous sunset and left the beach just as a famous Bear Lake storm rolled in. On our way back to Paris, Idaho, with the rain pelting the van and lightning strikes piercing the sky, there was a public announcement about a severe storm warning that added to our excitement. Back at our little apartment, we watched a beautiful lightning storm that had the added effect of cooling things down a little bit. 

On the final day, we joined the extended family for our first ever drive to the Paris Ice Cave. It's a pretty small cave that I guess has ice all year round. My kids loved it. Then, they wanted to go back to the lake to play. The rest of the family drove to a glacier lake higher up in the mountains and we went to North Beach just the kids and I. It was actually a lovely time and we were all sad to leave that evening so I tried to make everyone feel better by getting dinner and shakes at Zip's on our way out of town along with a stop for treats at the Chocolate Bear. Good times and so lucky that we got to go to Bear Lake TWICE in one summer!

July 31, 2017--this guy and his dad headed off to Scout Camp at Camp Loll.

Fun with friends at Waffle Luv -- visiting Sophie at her summer job.

In August, a wonderful thing happened. I signed up for a PEGUS job and got assigned to work in NYC! My office was right downtown on 5th Avenue and I reserved a hotel a few blocks away that was so close to Times Square, I could actually see the lights from my balcony. What a dream come true! Knowing in advance that all of my work trips consist of me working my guts out all day long and into the evening until I go home and barely get enough sleep to wake up and do it all again the next day, I decided to take the opportunity to fly in two days early so I could take advantage of being in NYC and get to see some of the sites!

I arrived in the wee hours of the morning on a Sunday after taking a red eye. Adrenaline kicked in and I had the most wonderful day. I will just copy my Facebook posts here so I don't have to re-type everything.

My day started with a red eye to New York. I was questioning my choice while unable to get one minute of sleep. But when we landed at JFK, the adrenaline kicked in and it still hasn't left. On the flight, I promised myself I would never fly red eye again, but right now, I say--Worth it! Leading up to this trip, I could not discipline myself to plan an itinerary. Every time I considered my options, I wanted to do ALL of them (including seeing ALL the Broadway shows). I wanted to do everything and I could not lock myself into anything. Touched down at 5:30am and walked off the place to a beautiful sunrise. Dropped off my bags at the hotel and grabbed a map and studied it and studied it until the concierge gently told me to put it away. "It's best to just get lost in New York," he said. So that is what I did. I wandered all day and let the awesomeness of this city wash over me. I found the office where I will work this week at 500 Fifth Avenue. Love the Art Deco. Wound up in Times Square which was strangely silent and empty on a Sunday morning. Walked all over the theater district for hours. Sat down to people watch when I got tired. Headed to Central Park and basked in the greenery. Saw a matinee of The Waitress that moved me to my core. Took an Uber to a funky massage place in ChinaTown where they did an amazing job putting my aching back and feet together again. Ate salt and pepper squid for dinner and finally checked into my hotel at 9:45pm only to discover I have a beautiful room on the 19th floor with a balcony and a view of Times Square (written August 6, 2017).

After two amazing days in NYC, I fully expected to work my guts out and go home. But, PEGUS was having a terrible time filling my schedule resulting in 4 hour breaks in the middle of my workday to site see and by the end of the week, I wrapped up the project at noon on Friday, a full day and a half early, and had until Sunday afternoon to do whatever I wanted. My entry on August 12:

My plan was to speed-see NYC Sunday and Monday and work Tuesday-Saturday and fly home Sunday but a Surprise gift came to me when the project wrapped up early leaving me with oodles of time on my hands in NYC. Took a walk for 40-blocks in the rain, past Central Park, on my way to The Met. Saw more Broadway shows (1989 and A Doll's House 2). Got lost wandering the streets so many times and never failed to come across something amazing. My office was next door to the NYC Public Library. Discovered what a gorgeous building that is. Happened upon a farmer's market and bought a giant fresh raspberry lemonade to help me keep walking. Visited the 9-11 memorial, which is so pretty. Visited the 9-11 Museum, which made me so sad and after only an hour I had to leave. I wandered to the water's edge where I watched the sun setting and the lights on the buildings begin to twinkle with the Statue of Liberty in my sight. More walks. More magic. Too many beautiful buildings and beautiful meals to document. Discovered lots of people come to NYC alone and struck up fun conversations. Laughed my head off on Kramer's Reality Bus Tour today and ate lobster bisque from the original Soup Man (aka Soup Nazi). Stood in line at TKTS and asked for the best seat they had to Kinky Boots. The guy said he had a "front and center orchestra seat," so I bought it and now I am looking at the ticket and I think it really is on the FRONT ROW. The pros of vacationing alone: getting to do anything you want to all the time. It's been awhile since I've had that feeling.

What a truly blessed week that I will never forget. What a magical city. What an unexpected gift. By the way, while the front row may not be the best seat in the house, it was truly a unique experience and I would take a front row seat again. Pretty cool.

August 6, 2017--touched down at JFK just as the sun was rising.

My office for the week was at 500 5th Avenue, right next door to the NYC Public Library.

 NYC Public Library.

 Side view of my office building (from the vantage point of standing in front of the library)

 Beautiful art deco inside the office at 500 5th Avenue.

I love Times Square.

Checked into my room to discover I had this charming balcony! That glow down the street is Times Square!!

Central Park in the rain.

 The Met.

9/11 Memorial.

 Grand Central Station.

Inside the beautiful NYC Public Library.

 A quiet evening by the water with a view of the Statue of Liberty.

 Watching the light change as the sun set and the lights began to twinkle.

 Soup for lunch on the Seinfeld Kramer Reality Bus Tour.

I flew back home late August 13 and woke up the next day in full swing of celebrating Isaac's birthday. I loaded up a bunch of his friends and we played all day at a trampoline park. 

Happy Birthday my blue-eyed boy!

My kids are growing up! Sophie is 16, Ian will be 15 in two weeks, Isaac is 12 and Katie is 8. I guess their growing up is the reason I can do all of this travel now. That is nice. 

August 21, 2017--I let Sophie and Ian miss their first day of school so we could all watch the eclipse together. Very cool experience!

Right after NYC and Isaac's birthday, it was back to school with everyone. Sophie is having a wonderful year as a junior at DaVinci. She recently landed a part in the ensemble of Fairly Potter -- a Christmas parody at a local community theater. Ian is having a great year as a 9th grader at Mount Ogden Junior High. He takes three of his core classes online this year and that is working out really well. He is a busy, busy kid participating in the Marching Band at Ogden High School. He travels to St. George for state competition this week and then his schedule will calm down. But, not too much since he is signing up for the winter version of marching band.

I am having the most blessed year with Katie and Isaac attending the DaVinci Distance (public school/homeschool) program. On Tuesdays, they go to a cooking class, art class and wilderness survival class at the school in the morning. Then, I pick them up and drive them to a Karate class, swimming class and gymnastics class in Clearfield. They get to do all of these things with their cousin Anna who they adore. On Wednesdays, they go to a full day of core classes at the school. I could not love their teachers more than I do. Their classes are small. The activities are hands-on. It is really the best program I can imagine. I don't have all the right words to express how much I love it. 

The other three days of the week, when they are not at school, I homeschool them in language arts, spelling, vocabulary, math . . . sometimes we mix in a little history and science. We get to go to a lot of field trips on Fridays. Last week we took a hayride at a pumpkin patch. This week it's scales and tails. We also got to go to the amazing Natural History Museum at the University of Utah. I could not be happier with the way things have worked out for all four of my kids when it comes to their school experience this year.

Chillin' at the pool on one of the last days of summer (I never have less than six kids with me wherever I go--haha!)

After the crush of getting everyone back to school, we joined my extended family for a delightful week on the Oregon Coast the first week of September. My parents have been going to Happy Camp in Netarts, a coastal city near Tillamook, for the past 10 years or so. They always go the first week of September and they always go with their friends or my aunts and uncles. This year, they rented an oversized beach house and invited their children and grand children. What a treat it was!

Pretty sunset at my house.

 Multnomah Falls the day before it burned in a major forest fire.

Our gorgeous beach house.

 Crab for dinner every night.

 So much fun playing at the beach every day.

Sadly, Brian was too busy to join us for this family reunion too, so I bravely loaded up the kids for the 15-hour drive. I say bravely, because I am not a good long distance driver. I get so sleepy! Even in the daytime, it just lulls me right to sleep. Luckily, my sister ended up being my co-driver. 

September 6, 2017--Happy 48th Birthday to Brian! We missed getting to spend the day with him (we were in Oregon), but we got him these sweet headphones.

The first day we made it to Pendleton, Oregon where we stayed the night and drove the rest of the way to the beach house the next day. It was so ideal. We had a second-floor balcony that looked right out at the ocean and we could walk to the beach just a few steps away. It was so close, we could even send the little kids out to play by themselves. The beach house was so comfortable and we even had a hot tub. What an unforgettable week we had relaxing there and taking in the beauty. My dad caught the most crabs he's ever caught. Crab for dinner every night! And, excursions to the Tillamook factory for ice-cream when we felt like it too.

On the way there, we passed a crazy fire that had just started the day before and by the time we had been there a few days it had spread (Eagle Mountain Fire) and burned so much of the beautiful Northwest landscape including the area around Multnomah Falls where we had stopped to site see on our way in. The fire was so huge by the time we went home that we had to take a detour road through Washington. 

Sophie talked us into stopping in Portland for some Staccato Gelato. Not sure why that was so important to her, but it was pretty tasty. On the way home we stayed a night in Boise, Idaho and, funny thing, we looked out the window and saw this wide straight river thing running right past our window. In the dark the kids swore it was a moat as if we were in a castle. But, in the morning I found out it was an extremely full irrigation ditch.

Staccato Gelato. I don't know why. But, why not?

We had a couple of weeks at home getting caught up on everything after the kids missed a week of school for our vacation and then I was on the road again. This time it was for a PEGUS study in Chicago. I can't believe my luck with the amazing cities I have travelled to! It was suppose to be for seven days, which seemed long enough. But, the Houston, TX site was shut down due to Hurricane Harvey, so they asked me to work extra days in Chicago to help make up for that and it stretched my time to nine-days.

My office was located right on the Magnificent Mile and so was my beautiful hotel (The Omni). My colleague, Patti, has booked several events at The Omni and she pulled some strings to ensure I had an amazing room on the 25th floor. The staff even delivered the cutest platter of food to my room my first night in town. It was an incredible week! I worked long hours and did manage to have one day off near the end. On that day, I took a long walk, admired the gorgeous landscaping of the city, spent some time by the river and relaxed. I also visited a beach on Lake Michigan one evening that was only about a mile from my hotel, right in the heart of the city--a beach! I worked 80-hours for PEGUS that week and also worked a lot of hours for CCHC during any downtime I had (downtime in the office mostly--in between interviews they let us do whatever we want...I think most people read and look at social media but I usually try to do CCHC work--haha!). 

Chicago, PEGUS Research study, September 2017--My beautiful room at the Omni and a little treat waiting for me my first night.

Katie sent Claire the pink penguin with me. Claire taking in the view from my office.

Did you know there is a nice sandy beach in the middle of Downtown Chicago?

Throwing in these photos of Brian and the kids for fun.

I can't complain about this blessed week. I got so much accomplished and I worked under the best conditions imaginable. But, I will say that something happened to me that week and I think it is called burn-out. I finally got the feeling that after so many months of being on the road whether it was for work or with the family for play, I just wanted to go home and take a deep breath and relax for a moment.

But, relax is not what I did. I got home just a few days before my next trip -- to Dallas for a cybersecurity meeting with CCHC (during the first week of October). The days leading up to that trip were filled with work and stress and the day before I left, my colleague informed me that she was not going to go. This left me with mixed emotions because I was kind of excited to do everything on-site on my own, but it definitely upped the stress level even more and didn't give me a lot of time to adjust my thinking to taking the lead. 

I took a picture of this rainbow framing CHRISTUS Health as we drove by to get a lay of the land the night before the meeting.

Needless to say, when I returned home from Dallas I was super excited to put my suitcases away and imagined they would remain in storage for at least a few months since I wasn't planning on any more travel until at least January. I was so excited to return to "normal life" for a minute when the weight of the fact that the Ram Run 5K fundraiser was right around the corner. So, with lots of anxiety (I am the junior high PTA president and Brian is the race director), I got to work making sure that would happen as scheduled. And, right smack in the middle of those last minute preparations, CCHC sprung a surprise work trip to Seattle, WA on me!

Seattle is one of my favorite cities, and I'm not going to lie because the group dinner on the water next to Pike's Market at a swanky oyster house was delightful. But, it wasn't too much fun changing my mental state and throwing everything together for my third business trip in less than 30-days at the last possible minute. I also had a ton of mom-guilt because I had to leave over my kids' fall break. In the end, it was fine, but ... Wowza.

The view from the meeting room in Seattle--

Totally random order of photos to follow. We love to watch the deer hanging out in our backyard.

Here is a true story: I woke up at 3:00am Mountain Time after working more than 80-hours over nine-days in Chicago to catch an early flight home to take Katie and Isaac to their Karate and Gymnastics classes ... The next week, after the meeting in Dallas, I drove straight home, loaded them into the car in less than 5-minutes and took them to Isaac's haircut appointment (haircut pictured below). I am learning this is a very bad way to re-enter my life after a business trip. Some transitional time is needed.

The Natural History Museum in Salt Lake City is just sooooooo COOL!

Took this photo on a drive with a friend by Pineview Reservoir to see the fall leaves.

I am so proud of Ian's dedication to Marching Band this year. Lots of hours and the band was awesome!

Here we are at the pumpkin patch because in between burning the midnight oil at work, I'm really just trying to DO IT ALL.

I took this picture at the Scales and Tails fieldtrip. I about fell off my chair when the guy pulled this thing out of a box!

Ahhh ... the Ram Run. Four years we've done this now. When it was over, all I felt was tired. So, so tired. I hope I will remember not to sign up to do this next year. Haha! We won't have kids at Mount Ogden Junior High anymore, so I think we are off the hook? We'll see. As tired as I was, I still sucked it up and took these two to their fall festival before I broke down into a zombie state for the rest of the day.

Katie and Isaac petting a giant snake at Scales and Tails.

I am so in love with this new ritual in which Isaac will spontaneously build a fire and invite all the neighborhood kids over. I love it so much!

Picnic in the front yard during homeschool on a nice fall day.

Halloween costumes -- so proud of the intricate details of Sophie's. She put this costume together all by herself!

Let's just say that when I came back from Seattle, Katie, my 8-year-old, was wearing exactly what she had on the night I left. I don't even know who to hold accountable for that? I mean, she is 8. How has she not yet learned to put on new clothes every day by now? Is it her? Is it me? But, you would also think that Brian or Sophie or Ian might have noticed this. It is a metaphor for the way things have deteriorated from my first work trip when Brian worked from home to make sure the kids were taken care of to the present in which they are pretty much left 100% to fend for themselves while he works all sorts of hours that stretch beyond bedtime. He learned pretty quickly that it is impossible to put in an 8-hour workday from the home office. 

I came back from Seattle knowing we had one week until the Ram Run (October 24) and all that week I told myself that I would finally rest once that was over. One day, out of the blue, I wasn't even feeling stressed on a conscious level, and I suddenly had what I'm guessing was an anxiety attack. But, it felt like a heart attack. The only reason I didn't go to the hospital was because, despite Brian and I both working these insane hours, we don't have access to affordable health insurance. Plus I was pretty sure, like 80% sure it wasn't a heart attack. And, if it had been, I probably would have died right then and there rather than pay out of pocket that high of medical bills. So, I was 80% sure I wasn't having a heart attack, but at one point the feeling got so intense that I was scared I might lose consciousness. So, I thought, I'd better call someone to come be with me just in case it really was a heart attack or I did lose consciousness. But, I was too afraid to call anyone because I figured they would make me go to the hospital. So, I pretty much just gritted my teeth and walked it off after a couple of hours and took my kids to the pumpkin patch despite still not being able to lift my arms past a certain height or move my body very well due to the extreme residual tightness in my chest that continued as we chilled together on the hayride. 

I made it to race day. When it finally wrapped up instead of feeling the stress from all the fundraising, planning and worry lifted and replaced by a warm fuzzy feeling of doing good for my community and my kids' school, all I felt was tired. Like so tired on every level. So tired that when I finally stopped running my kids around to their fall festivals and play practices and friends' houses for several hours after the race--when I finally stopped all the running and sat down, I found that I couldn't do anything. My visiting teacher texted and asked if she could come over and I could not imagine mustering the energy it would take to sit and have a conversation with visiting teachers in that moment. Which, if you think about it, is about the easiest thing possible, but which illustrates how utterly wasted I was. 

I needed a break about a month before that moment, and I still hadn't gotten it. So despite having a really, really blessed life and about the most blessed year ever, I was left hoping I could get some rest and refill my tank a little because I felt completely on empty.

So happy I finally took the time to sit down and write this painfully long post to record all that has been going on in our lives. I wrote this on Halloween! Yay! But, it wouldn't publish for some reason so I saved it for later. Sophie had an amazing pirate costume that she paid for and designed herself. Isaac had an amazing army costume that was authentic and purchased from a military surplus store. Katie wanted to be Wonder Woman and I bought her that costume. But, she changed her mind and wanted to be cat woman (her costume from last year). I couldn't find that costume anywhere and she was a good sport about wearing Isaac's military costume from last year instead. Ian wore the same shirt from the past three years that has a zombie face and animated eyes when he put his phone inside a hidden pocket behind the face. But, I didn't get a picture of him because he went straight from school to band practice to a party with his fun, teenager friends. Good times. Love these kids. Love my life and I'm sure I will feel better when my house is clean again and I've had some rest. (That last sentence did come true).