Its one lie after another. That's what life is. I'm suppose to be studying right now but I just can't concentrate. How am I expected to? I can act carefree and jovial but that didn't work. Even if it did, I can only act it... I can't really feel it. What's the point of all of this? of studyin, working hard, doing what I'm expected to, if none of it pays off? Personal satisfaction? That's bull. Tell me you'd research the cure for cancer if you weren't getting paid for it. We always look out for uno first. ourselves. Who of us, are truly that selfless to do something, just to feel happy that accomplish something, without expecting the rewards? Its not like losing a race or a match. You played your hardest, you're happy, cause you won't get blamed for the loss, you were close. You got to laugh in your opponents face every once in a while... but if you played it, knowing you'd lose, knowing you didnt stand a chance, how much heart can you put in it?

I'm putting it all in. because I can't uncling to the hope. I've planned my future. Not to the exact detail of where I'll work and which minute of which day I'm gotta get that job... but the big picture. Who'll be next to me through it all, the family I'll have, the job scope I'll be in, the places I'll be, the expression on my face when I take it all in... what I have, to what I had... Even as my future gets shattered into a million pieces because I have the head of a rock (stubborn you imbeciles) and headbutted the shit outta my future in a moment of delusion... I still cling onto the hope of piecing it all back together and I know it won't be the same. The cracks will still be there, the glue marks oozing out and drying, some parts beyond repair... But I still want it and I'll still be happy having it.

Despite it all, despite what I know, despite what's rational, despite it all, I lie to myself because another lie, just won't make much of a difference. Despite it all, I still love and I still want the white wedding, the hill top kiss, the heavy rains indoors, the smiles, the sunrise, the long trips, the weekend getaways, the little notes, post-its, I want it all.

"I wanna grow old with you" - Adam Sandler

I rambled rambled rambled at 4:34 PM

I miss getting messages at the stroke of midnight. Haha. Pretty attention seeking of me but it use to be nice. Being remembered. But I've shut out so many from my life, it'll all inevitable. I just kinda wish she'd send me something just as the clock hit 00:00 though. Better yet, if she were with me. I almost imagined us still being together, me standing in front of her as she sits on the wall at fort canning. Saying sweet things like I love yous or naughty things like oooh you're a man now. Haha cheesy. I miss talking about weddings and marriage.

Erwin asked why I wanted to be an architect. I'm pretty worried by his "should you even be an architect" tone.

I got rashes. scaly ones especially on my right arm. itches like hell but im starting to not scratch that much. Please please please disappear.

So far, it's a pretty crappy start into my twenties. The teenage years were better. 18-20 was the peak I suppose, of happiness. Maybe I hit my peak early. instead of the typical 30-35 that most men would hit their peak. Maybe it's all downfall from here. Pretty crappy start into my twenties.

I rambled rambled rambled at 12:07 AM