Living on our own prayers

What he taught me, and I remember all the time:

"We've got to hold on, to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it, or not
We've got each other, and that's a lot
For love..."



Take my hand, and we'll make it, I SWEAR.

Culmination.

As we go about in life, we discover people from all walks of life.

Its a walk of life, so most of them just really do simply come and go, just seemingly walk by us and disappear into the crowd, until perhaps life comes full circle and we meet them again.

But when you are walking TOGETHER in life, that's a totally different experience.

People that walk past you in life, would stop and recognize you or your significant other. Some people drop by to say hello, some just exchange words, some want things from you. Yet, there are others that totally come around, squeeze through the crowd and follow behind you. These people are what some people call, baggage.

There you are, two people, trying so hard to push through the crowd, and now you have to haul this baggage behind you...the only thing that happens is that you will start to walk even slower through it. So what do you do? You try to lose them.

But in a crowd, these people may catch up with you from time to time, when you least expect it.

What's the most effective way to lose baggage? You throw them out, the worthless irritating piece of junk.

Quite frankly, you have some nerve. Its sad for you to be living out some wimpy childhood dreams of an unrequited love with someone whom you have had the chance with in the past. It is inconceivable that you would expect your ex to get back to you when quite clearly, all that you are now is just a living, breathing example of the complete desperate. It is absolutely rude and disrespectful, that you would compare someone whom I hold in such a high regard, someone whom I always think is better than me in so many ways, to be similar to some lousy two-cent hostess that you probably made out with when you life was at its lowest. Because quite frankly, if you would have a lounge hostess as a girlfriend, I would question your total upbringing and morality, and try to compare if it was on par with your desperation and ego which I reckon is totally off the charts. I mean why don't you just go ahead and live your fairytale with your hostess, and while your at it, bring her home and introduce her to your parents, who would probably agree that you've finally found someone just like you and so perfect; And finally you can impress her with your oh-so-cool 20 year old scrambler which probably would not hold up to any SRNewbie in TM, where you can trail just to pose in your latest gears and post photos in facebook isn't it. And when you're done impressing her, don't forget to pay for her services because hostesses do make house calls too, didn't you know?

And then you get all lonely, you go to some underage teen-filled club and you accidentally cheat on your hostess girlfriend by kissing another girl who didn't ask for it and besides, you didn't mean it....but when you're done with your loser worthless life, you discover: "hey why don't I sms or drop a call to my ex girlfriend, maybe she's leave her boyfriend and get back with me so we can have a wonderful life together again, just like back then when my parents still bought me underwear", which chances are they still do, judging by your nostalgic flashback of a life.

I can deduce your thoughts and dreams in five minutes, because its long enough that I pulled you along for this ride, and now my arms are aching. I believe, it is time for us to let you go as you're nothing more than a product way past its expiry date, Syufian.

Through the bloodlines.

I MAY remember,
When I was a kid, I used to hate the time when you would come home after work at 5pm and force me to do chores when I wanted to watch just one tv show.
When I was in early primary, I used to hate that you forced me home from nyai's, even when I had a fever, even though we lived only next block.
When I was a teenager, I used to hate that my role model was my bachelor uncle and not my dad.
When I was in poly, I used to hate that you would force me to get a job by giving me 2 bucks a day.
When I was due for NS, I used to hate that you said I was useless.
When I finally made it to SGT, I used to hate that you boasted to your friends that YOU worked so hard SINGLE HANDEDLY raising me.

And I MAY remember,
Every scar on my back.
Every excuse I made about you and your behavior.
Every time you dig up dusty stories as if they were yesterday.
Every single day you kick up a fuss and the whole world has to revolve around you.
Every instance I remember that you cannot chose your parents, because if you can I wouldn't have chosen you.

I MAY forget,
Your mistakes and your shortcomings; but resenting and forgiving has a very thin line.

But I DO remember,
That I will never be and end up like you.

Never.

2301!

With reference to the girlfriend auditions...sorry to inform anyone that may have read this years back, auditions are now CLOSED. (as if anyone cared)

This post has been so late overdue...maybe due to my lack of time, or lack of planning or the lack of brain power to simply type this all down just to place it on record.

The past few months I have been going through something really amazing...something which I'd never thought I would find so soon, after being so lost for the past years or so since the last episode...

2301. Let it be a number that we never forget, and even if I do, let it be a day that I am always reminded of. HAAH 2301 or 0123, what's the difference.

Either way, its just a simple reminder that everyday I will live my life to love and cherish you, someone who was carefully implanted, hidden by the seeds of time into my life, to suddenly grow and bloom just when I needed you the most.

There must be some supernatural reason as to why our fingers fit, why we're so addicted to the toe bolster, why you think that being jiggly is cute, why your head fits my slanted dislocated shoulders, why you are a nurse, why i ride a dirt bike, why i wear blue, so many things...

Nobody said it was going to be easy. That's what you said isn't it...well it isn't. But it will be much easier, when you always have someone by your side.

True, in the service, partners are rostered and changed, but this one is rostered by someone of the highest ranking in the whole wide world, someone divine. If not chosen by the almighty, then at least chosen by ourselves. My partner, Mas Juliana Binte Mazlan. I choose you, PIKAMON! eh no. JULIMON!

What you may have read or will be reading in this blog may be impressions of me, expectations of what I can give because of what I was or what I am willing to be. But like I said, if I have chosen somebody, I will give the absolute best...and I can only pray that it is good enough.

Till then, I will always be a ROMEO sergeant. And its finally nice to say, I think someone's rostered for the JULIET.

Fallen oh flying man.

And there I see you fall all the way down to the bottom, just like the others that I classify like the unimportant case files of my daily life. Where you will remain just like another, nothing special left about you.

They say that if you were flying so high, one day your wings might melt in the sun, and you would fall to the ground; just like the flight of Icarus.

I know what your intentions are, and it disgusts me with the fact that even though you try so hard to put forward that oh you-were-my-best-one imagery, and blurting out phrases to your heart's content, you have total disregard and 0% respect for her and her life-after-you, which she fought so hard to create. Exploiting the right emotional buttons to press, your manipulative nature should be criminal. How can you love someone if you have no respect for them? Shouldn't these people have the right to their own life and love, and move on? Human beings, we move on you know. You were the past, and there's one too many reasons as to why you should stay there.

I shouldn't blame you, for even though you're in transit to adulthood, clearly your mentality and EQ is still stuck in the adolescent years. And judging by the fact that you used the bike and dangled it like a toy in front of a baby, you're really cute.

You can take your poser untrailed bike and shove it, and keep your hopes and dreams of your make-believe childish love rekindling while you're at it. How disgraceful that I ever thought you were in my same league.

Because normally, people are guilty until proven innocent but this time, I believed you to be innocent. And now you're guilty.

Your university application.

Hai...your university application.

I know it was difficult for me to accept the fact that I did give in to my siblings just so that they can have the privilege of going to uni to fulfill their dreams. And it was difficult to think that I would be just another young and green CPL in just another neighbourhood. But I made it to SGT, and I made it to A-div. I guess the greedy part of me just wanted to be the youngest INSP...because quite frankly the shameless part of me isn't afraid to admit that I was a bright young kid, that just screwed up here and there. I should be up there! I should be going to uni too! But life isn't always fair like that.

I'm sorry if you felt that I am holding you back from pursuing your dreams to go and have your degree. I guess I was just worried about one too many things; if you'd be happy with just another man in blue who earns just nice to be comfortable for a family; or whether our one year of relationship's foundation would be strong enough to stand the time apart when you're juggling your studies and work in the next two; but i came to realize that the driving force behind all these, once again...is you.

Like what I said earlier, these expectations of how I'm supposed to be, the best for you as portrayed in this blog. According to these historical evidences, I should be the best! What kind of promise would I be making if I cannot be the very best myself?

I can however promise you one thing. I will be here, by your side. I have waited for miracles my whole life, its time for me to fulfill them. Just as long as if what I'm planning to set aside for my future will work out, where in future should I fail along the line, someone will tell my kids about the amount of sacrifice I have put in for our family's future, and someone will tell my in-laws that its not that I did not want to be the best to be at level with their daughter, but because I had my hands full of responsibilities.

My responsibilities. As a son, a brother, and as your loving boyfriend. Won't you please, just somebody, just tell them for me, that I was a good man, and how much I sacrificed for them. All these plans I give in, to see them soar.

Its not easy to put your dreams to fly on hold, but love, makes it easier.

Sacrifices, are never easy. I should know that by now.

I wish you all the best lily. Hope your application gets through ok! Its time for you to fly for me! =)

Define divine.

When I was young, I once told Sadiq, "Step by step, become hero."

HERO
from dictionary.com
–noun, plural -roes; for 5 also -ros.

1.	a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

2.	a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.

3	the principal male character in a story, play, film, etc.

It amazes me sometimes, because even though I am holding up the weight of the world, I still continue to listen to other people's miseries and load their worlds on me. To these people, these stories they are holding inside, bears the burden, their secrets.

But try hard as I may, I'm no clock stopper nor time traveler. And most certainly I can't be where I wasn't at in the past, to save all these people that I care about from making the biggest mistakes of their lives. Its stupid how I actually really do feel responsible to do something about it.

It simple to carry the weight of these worlds and over time drop these planets and kick them around...but it takes something to really hold it in, load it up, and move forward.

Because I genuinely believe that if I am able to carry these different worlds, I would be the centre of the universe. A god, one so divine. Someone who is able to understand everything, take all forms of pain, to carry all worlds.

Allow me to envision this to you. In the world, people walk around in facades that they carry around. They put up brave fronts, lies, different images of themselves, someone whom they want to be, or want people to see them as. These skins that they live in may be beautiful and appealing at first, but it hides the real people inside them. They are like dark, cracking shells of thoughts and problems created round a person, life experiences that they use to create a barrier around themselves, to protect their inner person from pain, suffering. Shells of barbed wire, ready to hurt the unsuspecting people that reach into them.

Its unreal, and the only way you can see through it, or at least spot these cracks, is if you start caring for them. That's when you see the real person inside calling out to you, shining out through these cracks, emanating from deep inside their worlds.

You then use your bare hands, reach through the barbed wires, feel it cut into you. You reach out for the person, and pull them out of their shell. This, is the real person for you.

But what do you do with the broken barbed wire shells, these now empty worlds of problems? Very simple, you accept some sort of responsibility, and you load it up on your back, as if nothing...and walk forwards.

They say the hardest pill to swallow, would be the one that does you the most good. The hardest truths that you accept about people, is what makes you...true.

Because no one will ever know, how hard it really is for you to wrestle with something inside yourselves, to come to terms and accept the truth about people, to make room for them inside yourselves for them. Its when you finally do accept these hard truths, that makes you one so selfless. A true hero, by your OWN definition.

Let's just hope, they remember you. And forever, is a very long time to remember something for one as forgetful as a human.