It's a thin line between love and hate.

Is it possible to love and hate someone with equal parts intensity all at the same time?

The cringe-worthy eagerness with which you agree to do something completely out of your league and which you either don't want to, or know you shouldn't do coz it'll only come to nothing in the end. But you spend sleepless nights slaving over it anyway, because it's important to him. Then graciously smile and shrug, and insist it's perfectly okay, "I needed something to do anyway haha", when he offhandedly mentions how it cool it is that he doesn't need the favour afterall. You read between the lines, for the apology that isn't there.

Those rare times that he says hello in that slightly offhand manner of his that you've come to ancipate out of the corner of your eye, and your heart sings because the world is now a brighter place; then promptly proceeds to strike off your existence for the rest of the week. And that air of carefully controlled nonchalance that you fake as you sit by, keeping up with the act of neccessarily seeming busy and pretending to not not not watch while he showers attention on another, oblivious to the effect it has on you. But you say nothing, because you know he probably didn't mean to ignore you like that. They're just friends, and friends like to spend time together sometimes.

How everything to him is all about me me me, and it's never once about "us" in the years that you've known him. Split second decisions that you inwardly wrestle with when faced with the prospect of actually holding your own and putting both feet down for once to just walk away from it all (and conveniently crippling him at the same time), ... and that sick churning feeling in your gut as you realise you can't -don't want to- move, because he painted your soles with superglue the first time you met.

Him dragging you away from an important assignment to entertain him "because I'm bored", and when you finally set your things aside (because multi-tasking has never been your forte, and besides, it's rude); making you wait 3 hours while he takes a nap "because I'm tired".

And at the end of the day, when he pulls you aside after two days of the cold shoulder with fierce accusations of neglect and priority because you stopped to chat with the boy whose guts he hates; the inexplicable warmth that you feel, because he touched your hand in the process.

You're like the twelve year old boy sitting behind me in class, pulling my hair. Punching me. Teasing, taunting, because he likes me.

***

To hate so violently is to treasure immensely.

Firecracker lightning seed.

I should so have opted for a History major. Wtf?

Boring, boring weekend. Swensen's with folks on Saturday (no more catfish AND spaghetti napolitan?!?!?!), ended up with some cheesy grains set thing which was an absolute ripoff... wanted to go for the seafood bonanza thing (after trying the kebabs just the week before), but they just had to have changed the specials menu. Double @#$%!.

Attempted to tan at the pool today after church but 20 minutes into my first lap it started storming. Hid under umbrella reading before pages started to get wet, resigned to seeking refuge in changing room. Spent the next hour in there reading before the rain finally stopped, but still no sun. -_- Ended up doing more laps than I've ever done at one sitting in entire life so far (for utter lack of anything better to do), and as a reward... managed to catch 15 minutes of sun. Goodbye golden tan plan. :(

"This isn't an alternative. There is no alternative. This isn't a clean slate. There never was an empty space, even in the beginning. This isn't a step in any direction, and if it is, my eyes are on my feet to keep from falling, and I'm not sure where I'm going. This is a standard confession. I don't need, I only want. And if you don't want, then you probably need."

***

She folded her arms, unimpressed, disenfranchised, hating the predictable nature of her predicament.

Fallen icons.

12.31am in flogging land, waiting to cheat the system and check semester results before the presumed 7am release time. Tired but don't exactly want to sleep because: see above. 3am is way too far away. -_-

Both dad and mom are suddenly down with something, dad's looking pretty bad. It's weird (and kinda scary) to know that they're both sick (though with different things), and especially at their age... when they're usually REALLY healthy and all that (especially dad, can't remember the last time even). So used to being the one taken care of when I'm back here that it's somewhat disorientating when such things happen.

Also, grandma's got gallstones and is due for her diagnosis on Friday... I can almost bet that if it weren't for the fact that I happen to be on holidays and back right now, I wouldn't even be notified if I were at school. Case in point, we all know which one that was. I'm not sure which was worse: the shock at learning about the incident proper, or the hurt (and lack of reaction-time) at not being notified earlier AND having to find out through, of all things, a blog. I can see where you're coming from, wanting to spare me the worry and all, but I think I deserve the right to know.

12.47am. Tick tick tick tick tick.

***

So you fall for the one you believe in,
And take pride in the heart you hold
'Cause when the winter time pounds upon your door,
It's shelter from the cold.

'Coz this time could mean goodbye.

Sent Piggy off at airport today. Entire affair was surprisingly subdued; have to admit it wasn't quite what I was expecting, not that it's a bad thing though. Just made me think of the inaugural one two years back that might've been a little mama-drama afterall...

Felt inexplicably bad for turning up at the very last moment. Reasons always seem valid and reasonable in the mind at point of execution, but somehow things never seem to be as planned or assumed. If anything, I learnt something. And am deeply touched.

[N.B.: Starbucks at the airport charges $1.50 more than other outlets!!!]

***

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels

"My Way" - Old Blue Eyes

Did the gypsy read your palm?

Boring couple of days. Wednesday went over to Piggy's to help pack her absolutely gigantinormous suitcase (that turned out to be 45kg... doubt I even brought that much the first time; you'd think she were migrating or something), then over to the library for slacking, napping and (photo) snapping before dinner with the folks at Breeks!.

Dragged self swimming today but there was absolutely NO sun whatsoever... waste of money to and fro coz of dumb cock-up at the club. Mutter.

Bored to death in hot, humid, sun-less flogging land.

***

Let me fall out of the window
With confetti in my hair

"Tango Til They're Sore" - Tom Waits