On graduating, life, and assholes

I am going to graduate. These past 4 years have been long and arduous, mostly a struggle to keep my nostrils above water and keep breathing and reach the end of the pool, only to move to a deeper pool. The final goal is the ocean, or maybe it is the sky.

Regardless, I am going to graduate. So many things I could have done better, but right now, that is good enough. Enough.

And coincidences in life and how things happen that fit in just right, and life just flows like a magical stream of something that moves and moves and never stops to move and if you move along with it, life will figure its way out. And for the moment, that seems just right. That is enough for me. For once I did not plan ahead for the summer, yet the summer is planning itself. I am grateful. I am blessed.

And the assholes? They can go screw themselves. 

Rest

I can feel my bones through my

I can feel myself di

My friend told me my hair is thinning - I tried to explain that my hair was always thin. He said you are stressing your body out too much.
I did no yoga or exercise today. It was a rest day. It was a good day - no stressing out over how little/much exercise I did, no stressing out over calories.
Numbers, or time

Numbers and time are the 2 things that are on my mind constantly. Counting calories, or noting the time I should be eating next, or what else I need to accomplish by when. I calculate, count, divide. The day is split up into little bits nicely - every part of the pie o'clock is filled. Every one gets enough, food is divided equally, time is divided equally. When it isn't, life is unequal and chaotic.
Stop counting, start living right?
Food is my friend, and friends are not calculative with each other. They forget about each other sometimes, they have other friends. I see my bones, and they scare me. I know, and I know what needs to be changed. It. Is. So. Difficult. The routine is comfortable.

I just want to be normal again.

I want to live and think about other things, create beautiful art, sing songs, make friends, go out, eat, enjoy the company of my friends and family.
I just want to feel normal again.

My mum lives and breathes misery. My sister is showing signs of being like my mum. They both like to raise issues about me when I tell them something that they find offensive. For instance, when I told my sis to clean up after herself, she first comes up with an excuse/justification.

"Oh thats because it is in the morning (i.e. I am a blind bat in the morning and I cant see shit)" 

Then she will find a way to pick on something I did not do, such as not closing the windows when my mum asked me to earlier. 

"The windows are not closed"

You were in the damn bloody room and you cannot close the windows? After my reply that I do not need someone to make unnecessary remarks, she HAS TO have the last say, because everyone knows that the person with the last say wins. Hooray for growing up!

"I close the windows too at other times" 

Whatevs.

So I told my mum that I already mopped my bedroom floor, and I gave a snarly face because it is fucking ridiculous to do double work because firstly if you love mopping the floor i will not mop it again so you can mop it yourself, and secondly you shouldnt be doing extra work LIKE HELLO MOPPING TWICE (every other day) is not madness, but it is INEFFICIENT. it is also a stupid concept, so no mum you are not stupid but to do double the amount of housework is stupid. 

And of course, anyone who sees my snarly face will be damn fucking pissed, because my face has been designed with the sole intention to piss people off, especially when it has this look of incredulity, impatience, and What the fuck on it. And then she shouts back,

"I KNOW!" and I go "you didnt have to shout. i didnt shout at you mum.", to which the reply was "but you look at the face you're giving me now"

I apologise for the look on my face mum, but i do not apologise for my face.

Then later, she picks on how I have not touched the sweet potatoes that I bought 3 days ago, and how

"If you wanna buy sweet potatoes and not eat them, you should KEEP THEM IN THE FRIDGE RIGHT, and if not YOU SHOULD NOT TIE THEM SO TIGHTLY RIGHT, YOU WANT THEM TO SPOIL IS IT?!" 

1. Not eating - I took 1 (of 3) today

2. The fridge - the cold spoils the texture of the sweet potatoes

3. Kept in tightly sealed plastic bag - cockroaches. you hate them? so do i.

4. Wanting them to spoil - yes, i do so love spending money on sweet potatoes and throwing out. it fascinates me, this trend of wasting food

So, no excuses for my rude behaviour and my snarly face. No excuses for slamming the windows shut and nearly causing my dad to flare up if not for my timely but curt apology. No excuses for being extremely angry at my sister and refusing to eat while she picked at our dishes despite the fact that she was heading out for dinner.

The point of this post is that today is a reminder of what I NEVER EVER wanna be. My mum and my sister may be cool in many ways, but the behaviour above of how they cannot receive criticism without feeling and feeding the need to return the criticism is something completely uncool.

Tumblr seems too public, so back to blogger.com it is.

My sister is avoiding carbs, she says she is "cutting down on carbs". This is extremely frustrating because
1) It triggers my food issues
2) She is being insecure
3) Someone she loves makes her feel this way

Mostly I am extremely frustrated because of the first reason which is selfish, but it is what it is. I tried to get her to eat more rice despite knowing that force-feeding does the EXACT OPPOSITE. How clever of me. So she says no. I got angry, and told her to "stop being ano". It is unkind to everyone who suffers from anorexia, but it was the only thing I could think of. Then I walked off and she was being all self-righteous and self-justifying "oh, when she wanted to eat less/ blah blah blah (I don't remember what she said exactly), we cannot say anything, but now that I am watching what I eat, I can't".

Firstly, WOW "watching what I eat", sure. Sure, watch what you eat, but do it for your damn self.
Secondly, stop turning the attention to me and my issues when what I am pointing out is your own.
Thirdly, stop being so fucking self-righteous.
Four, you're not going to be happy thinner without you being happy now.
Five, I sincerely hope you find happiness in another form
Six, I feel evil thinking this but I think that you deserve better, because no one should be making you feel insecure and NOT ENOUGH - not thin enough, not hot enough, not slim enough, not fit enough.
Seven, you are triggering my food issues which I find highly disturbing and I hate you and I dont need this in my life.
Eight, for someone so smart, you are being really stupid. I used to tell myself this and this prolonged my depression, so I'm just going to type this here instead of saying it to you because anyway I usually am too overwhelmed by emotion that I have nothing to respond at that moment.

In short, my sister is triggering my bulimic thoughts and I hate it.

Tired

It's the 4th day of the new year and i'm already tired, worn down with everything i'm doing - meeting up with friends, knowing new friends, making an effort to talk. i enjoy company and chatting and learning new things everyday, getting to know new people, but especially now after weeks of idling and going out so much it's... numbing. i think that's the word. that school's starting again in less than 1 week only adds to the heaviness.

sometimes i think in third person voice, to get myself to snap out of this pathetic-ness, but it doesn't work like that does it?

the feeling has passed, goodnight.