Firsts - Part Ten

I picked this picture because Gordon's laughing. That was rare in pictures. He was always very straight faced when he knew he was having his picture taken. It was always so fun to watch him laugh. Most of the time there was laughter it involved Tami...usually teasing her about one thing or the other! She was a good match for him though...a chip of the old block, I liked to call her! This picture was taken in Oct of 2005, exactly one year from when Tami got married. None of us had any idea how different our lives would be in one short year.


February 22, 2007

I gathered Gord and his wheelchair and we went to Dr. V's office for a check-up. Gordon still had the old mesh in his stomach and never been able to be totally closed up. We would dress his wound every morning and night. At first, I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it, but then it became second nature. While we were at the appointment, the Dr decided to go ahead and cut out the old mesh. He told us to go on home and dress it just as we had been doing. He said it was time to put in the permanent mesh and sew him up. I was so excited for that. I couldn't help but think that closing up his incision would help his state of mind. After all, he'd had this huge hole in his stomach for about 12 weeks. He was very nervous, but not about the surgery. He just didn't want to go back into the hospital, and I didn't blame him. Surgery was scheduled for Monday.

February 24, 2007

What a great day! I drove up to Echo to meet Misty and picked up Gage. Gage and I drove out to the airport to pick up Tami. We got home and there were hugs everywhere. Our home was full again and to make it even better, Tami had news to share with us. She brought Gordon a Grandpa book and me a Grandma book. We were both so thrilled to know we would be Grandparents. Gordon was so happy to see Tami, but Tami was shocked at the sight of her Dad. His color was grey, eyes fairly sunken, very thin. He looked old. The weekend was a little crazy with trying to keep Gage happy and off Pop and Gordon feeling so ill. He was still wrenching from nausea and having terrible headaches. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do for Gage and Gordon, but he wanted to see him so bad. But we got through it OK.

February 25, 2007

Gordon was having one of his nausea episodes when we noticed he had bled from his belly clear through to his clothes. It really scared me because I didn't know how to stop it so I called Mimi. She and the Bishop (Roger Beattie had just been made Bishop) came over and looked at him. She suggested we should probably take him into the E.R. Gordon kept saying no, he didn't want to go back. I hated that I did things to him that he didn't want to do. It breaks my heart when I think back on it...but we felt like it was the best thing...and he was going to be there anyway in another day.

February 26, 2007

Tami drove Gage home and Gordon and I went to the hospital. Dr. V took him in and did the surgery to close him up. When he came into the room after it was done, he said that he had made him "a lean, mean, fightin' machine" and we all laughed. It was so good to see his stomach look normal again...no more hole...and it seemed to make Gord happy too.

February 27, 2007

Through these past months, good news was short lived and the bad thing was that I began to expect the worse. I'm a half full kind of gal....and I hated this.

Today, Gord's blood pressure dropped severely. He had abnormal pain and they moved him to the ICU on the 7th floor because 6 was full. They thought he may be bleeding and took him back into surgery about 9:00 p.m. It was a very short surgery (thank goodness). They found blood around the mesh under his incision. They cleaned him up and sent him back to the 6th floor STICU (home sweet home) with another open wound. Judy and Jodi were there with Tami and I through this surgery. I was so glad Tami was home. Gord's all puffed up again, full of fluid, due to his low blood pressure.

March 1, 2007

Tami is bleeding a little and is nervous...we all are. She went in for an Ultrasound. The baby is fine, but she needs to rest so she stayed down the next couple of days. She had to miss her friend, Stephanies, wedding, but it was important that she rest.

Gordon has fluid in his lungs...another setback.

March 8, 2007

Today was the beginning of the end. I didn't know it at the time, but it truly was. He started having seizures today. Tami and I had gone up to the hospital to see him and they told us that he had been having them. They were hooking him up for tests to see exactly what was happening. When we were standing over him, he had a bad one. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was so frightening because he looked so distorted for a time. Tami had to leave the room for a bit. It was so upsetting to her. I stayed with him. I was so scared. They didn't know why he was having them. His liver enzymes were high, a possible cause...but they were leaning towards it possibly being all of his meds, specifically the antibiotics, that he's been on for so long. It was then that I learned that antibiotics don't only kill the bad stuff...they can kill everything. They've done MRI's and EEG's...no conclusions, except that he's having several.

March 10, 2007

Tami has been here for two weeks and what a blessing that's been for me. She's very torn about whether or not to go home, but I think it's time. She does have a new family, with Macie to care for and she's pregnant...and this is a lot of stress. I think she needs to be away from it for a little while. It was tough for both of us dropping her off at the airport. I missed her so much.

When I got home, Judy B was waiting for me. We went to breakfast and she went to the hospital with me. We came home later and had chicken salad sandwiches with Judy S. It was a nice time.

I've been very discouraged since the seizures started. I hate to write this, as it seems more permanent, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to be able to bring him home.

March 14, 2007

When I got to the hospital, Gord's hand and arm were moving up and down. I asked the nurse if it was a seizure and she said no and that he had been doing that for awhile. He stopped for a few minutes and then started again. This time I got the Neurologist and he confirmed that they were seizures. His shoulders, head and arm was moving. They hurried and hooked him up to the EEG. The seizure went into the 3 minute mark and then they gave him Adavan. He kept seizing...and then they gave him a drug used in anesthesia that's very strong.

I talked with Dr. Zurasky (neurologist) and he told me that his plan was to stop all help if he had more seizures or if there was no improvement by Saturday. Bob came up and talked about the decisions to be made. I like someone to be there...I seem to lose a lot of the medical talk. I called Tami to let her know what was going on.

All the Smiths came to visit today.

March 16, 2007

This week has been the worst. Judy B has been with me a lot. I've even started thinking about a funeral. He's not moving and not improving and I feel like it's over, but of course it can't be really. I cried so hard driving home last night that I was afraid/hopeful that I would drive off a cliff, but thankfully Beck St has no cliffs.

I got home and asked Judy S to go to the temple with me. We just went and sat in the Celestial Room. A pillow and blanket and I could have stayed there forever. There's definitely no where on earth like the temple to experience comfort and peace. Then...my focus turned to all the couples holding hands coming into the room, the hands were eye level and then that's all I could think about. I knew I wasn't going to be walking through that door holding my sweetheart's hand again. It was time to go! We stopped at the Craig's and Bob gave me a blessing of strength. They are so wonderful. I truly love them.

Earlier today, Michelle, the social worker, talked with me at Gordon's bedside. Probably from our records, she knew we were LDS. She actually suggested that since there may be serious decisions to be made a trip to the temple may help. She looked me right in my eyes and with tears in hers said "Father knows what he has asked you to do and he is mindful of how difficult it is." She said, "I know without any doubt that if you do this for him you will be compensated throughout your life." She reminded me that this situation was in his hands and he loves me...

It was an exhausting day, but I felt a little more ready to make some decisions.

March 17, 2007

When I arrived at the hospital this morning I met with Dr. Thomsen and Zurasky. They both felt like there was enough improvement to keep going with treatments. He tracked Dr. Z around the room and his brain waves showed a little more activity. I left around 2:30 to go to the airport to pick up Tami. When Tami got to the hospital, Gord moved his hand toward her so she could hold his hand. It was very tender - more movement than we had seen in awhile. He does love his baby girl!

March 18, 2007

Gord was very responsive to Tami today. She told him it was good to see his eyes open...and he opened them even wider and wiggled his tongue. He was showing his personality with his expressions with his eyes and hands. It was good to see him responsive.

He had a busy day with visitors. Rick & JoAnn, Marilyn & Don, Bob, Jerry, Becky, Cathy and Alta. It was tiring but good. It felt too good to be true that he was actually waking up.

March 19, 2007

Not much difference today. Tami's friends came up...Stacy, Heather and Ricci. Jim worked on tearing apart the Nova to take the engine and Chrysler frame to AZ. He worked hard all day from about 10 a.m. to 9 p.m. He wanted to help Gord restore the old car so much. What a great gesture on Jim's part!

When we got to the hospital it was hard not to feel real positive about his progress - then the other neurologist, Dr. Roller came in and started talking about brain damage. Bob & Shirley were there. I asked the Dr. to talk to me outside and discussed whether or not I should leave the DNR in place. he told me that I should and he told me that he would call Gordon's condition "prolonged incomplete recovery". So much for feeling positive! Again, the roller coaster comes crashing down. Tami's friends wanted to take us to dinner. I told Tami to go. I just wanted to go home and bury my head. I was exhausted and couldn't believe that we were facing possible permanent brain damage.

STRICU had 5 traumas come in and they needed his bed. They moved him to the 5th Floor It was very sad to leave 6. It's amazing how close you get to the nurses.

March 20, 2007

Tami and I decided we wanted to do something nice for the STRICU nurses. We stopped at Cutlers, grabbed some early lunch, got cookies and a card. It was fun to drop them off. They are good people on the 6th floor!

Respiratory was nice as well. Brett and Ryan were his nurses and couldn't have been nicer. Not a whole lot of change in him today. We stayed until around 7:00. Judy and Jodi came over and we ordered chinese. It was a nice diversion!

March 21, 2007

I came into the hospital without Tami today. We decided to do shifts. I was able to talk with Dr. Thomsen for awhile. We talked mostly about decisions and the fact that he, Dr. V, and I need to make sure we're all on the same page. I took the part of the DNR off that says they couldn't intebate. He wants to remove the tube, but doesn't want to yet with that restriction because there's a chance they would have to. He feels like he's making progress and along with the other doctors does not know how this will all play out. That's the frustrating part. he told me "don't ever think that I don't understand the ordeal your husband's been through. Most people wouldn't have made it through". He said, "his heart broke for us". He seems to be a very good man, but still no answers.

While I was talking with Dr. Thomsen, he got called away for a minute and Gord kept trying to tell me something. I finally understood that he was telling me he wanted the tube out. I told him that right now, if they took it out, he could die. With the best communication he could muster, he said "take it out". But, I couldn't...there was a chance again that I could get my husband back...and I wasn't going to take any chances.

Tami came up in the afternoon and I went to work. She talked to Dr. V about surgery on his wound and he said no, no yet.

March 22, 2007

They got to the hospital around 4:30. Gord had removed the ventilator tube with the help of his tongue. Anyone who knows our Gordon, know where there's a will, there's a way. He had probably worked at that tie holding the tube in all day and night.

When I got there about 10:30 a.m. he was talking - a lot! He told me he needed "Utah". He wasn't able to get the right words out. It was very startling at first. The nurse then told me that he told her very clearly earlier to tell Sally "I love her". I know he loves me. I just want him to come home to me.

I went to work for about 3 hours. When I came back Dennis & Jennie were there. Jerry & Laura came shortly and Bob came up. It was very tender to see his big tough brothers on each side of him trying to make sense of it all. He seemed to know everyone, but some of the names couldn't come out. They were very tender with him. A little of the old "Gord" has come through though. He gets mad and uses profanity quite easily! Funny how we hang on to those words. I cried on the way home...again!

March 23, 2007

Tracy called this morning to see how I was and how Gordon was doing. She told me she had no plans and would do anything I wanted. I told her thanks, but wasn't really up to any play. I crawled back into bed and about an hour later, someone came to the door. I was going to ignore it, but then they came to the back door. It was Tracy. She brought me a flower, a bag of oreos, string cheese and a magazine. It was so nice. We visited and then went to breakfast...her treat. Then I took her up to the Frog and had fun there. She brought us home and Tami and I went up to the hospital. It was so nice of her to steal me away for awhile. The three of us had a good time.

When I got to the hospital Dennis, Jennie and Alta were there...and had been for a couple of hours. Dennis brought in balloons and a little white dog for Gord. A couple of nurses from STRICU brought in some flowers for him too. Ryan was his nurse and said that he had been singing and playing the guitar for him. He started to sing "Oh My Darlin' Clementine" loud and strong...and play the electric guitar. It was very funny and made us all laugh, but I wasn't really sure whether I should laugh or cry. He seemed to be upset at me tonight...wouldn't really have much to do with me. He communicated much better with Tami. It made me very sad He got very agitated when we were trying to help him lay on his side. He's a lot stronger when he's frustrated and angry. I haven't seen this in him for a long time. I'm trying hard to remember it's not really him.

I feel more frightened this week. I truly don't know what our future is going to be. Everyone says I'm so strong...they're not seeing all the tears when it's quiet and feeling the knot in my stomach. I'm really not so strong. Heavenly Father is carrying me.

Firsts - Part Nine

THE SEASON TREE

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and I was lucky enough to share it with my 2nd favorite guy!

Gage and Emalee came to spend the night and we had fun ding dong ditching the neighbors!! He's such a sweetheart and loves his Aunt Sally "big whole much"! It snowed all day.

Holidays are still bittersweet. I suppose they will be for many years to come. I'll tell you about a special Valentine's Day spent with Gordon 2 years ago, but first I need to go back where I left off...

December 27-31st, 2006

Because of Gordon's still critical condition, they had CNA's come in and sit in his room 24/7. I was so glad for that because He was still so sick and I was worried that something would happen and no one would be there with him. I wasn't sure if it was a perfect solution, however, the day I walked in and found the sitter asleep! It had to have been the most boring job ever, but still very important....and I wasn't very happy. I hated having him "on the floor" while he was still so sick.

One day while I was there the physical therapist came in and was working with his speech, etc. when they accidentally pulled on his feeding tube, pulling it far enough out that it was not in the correct place, which meant he would have to have the feeding tube replaced again. I was so angry because it is an extremely uncomfortable procedure, as if he hadn't gone through enough. It was right before they came in to do it that one of the nurses informed me that they were going to have to stitch it to his nose "because he kept pulling it out". She explained to me that it could be painful and was not an easy procedure to go through. Then, I became mother bear...and was livid. He HATED the feeding tube in the first place and to have to go through this was inexcusable. I told them to hold off, I wanted to talk to the Dr. I pretty much ranted and raved to Dr. Belnap that Gordon did NOT pull out his tube, that it was done in physical therapy...and I refused to have them stitch the tube in. He complied with my wishes. I couldn't stand to see him go through that, along with the finger pokes every hour, the shots, the diapers, the physical therapy. I didn't think I would survive that week before 2007, but I did!

On Sat, the 30th, Gordon's cousin Suzi came up to Salt Lake from Orem and went to lunch with me and visited as best she could with Gordon. She is a sweet lady and I enjoyed our time together. On the 31st, I went to church and then had a visit with Bishop Larsen. He was encouraging me to let the Ward help me financially if I needed it. He didn't wait for me to go to them...he was outwardly offering whatever I needed. He is a wonderful Bishop. I went on to the hospital and stayed for a few hours. Val and Jaim came by and spent some time on their New Year's Eve....good friends. I love them. I was going to stay and bring the new year in with Gord, but he was out, it was 9:30, and I was tired. I went home and went to bed........another week over.

January 1st, 2007

I went to breakfast with Judy and the kids to Village Inn and then went to the hospital.

January 2nd, 2007

Well, today turned out to be quite a day!

I went to the hospital early and stayed a little while, but then left for work. Before I left the nurse came in to put a new pic line in his arm. They had taken the old one out to rest the arm and make sure there was no bacteria. I watched this procedure (not sure why!). It was really quite a process - not a very pleasant one. Dr V had said that he was going to take him down to surgery that day and tighten up his mesh again...a simple procedure, but needed to be done in the surgical room. No one seemed to know what time, so I felt like I should go to work for awhile. I wasn't worried about and felt ok about leaving.

I got a call from Dr. V on my cell phone at about 4:30 in the afternoon. He told me that there had been an "event" during the procedure. Gord had gone into V-Tach (sp??), meaning he had no blood pressure when they started the procedure. They had to do CPR on him for 22 minutes, using the shocking paddles 6-7 times. When they finally got him back his heart rate, rhythm, blood pressure were all perfectly normal! They had to put the breathing tube in again and he went back to ICU. He was doing good by the time Dr V called. I can't describe what my thoughts were as I raced out the door to the parking lot to get back to the hospital. CPR....this was just surgery I kept telling myself....why was everything going wrong???? And...shocking paddles were only in the movies and on TV!!!

When I got there they talked to me about doing an angiogram to see if there was a clogged artery. Bob got there within 30 minutes of when I did and Judy and Dad were close behind. He kept shaking his head at Bob and me...telling us he didn't want the test. He was so frightened and Bob and I had to tell him that we weren't stopping them. That was the worst part of the whole day...knowing we weren't doing what he wanted us to do. The test was clear, no blockage. They talked about defibrillators, but it was finally decided that it was just a nervous reaction...knowing he was going back down to surgery, but not really understanding why. He had been there, done that and wanted nothing more to do with it...and I can't blame him.

I called Judy S and told her what was going on. I asked her to call Bob Craig and inform him of the situation, but tell him that everything was stable and all was well...not need for him to come up. About the same time, Bishop Larsen called. I told him what had happened and he and Roger Beattie came up. We asked for permission for everyone to go in his room at the same time so we could give him a blessing. Visits were restricted and it was after 7:00...shift change. They did give us permission. Just as the Bishop was getting ready to start the blessing, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and it was Bob and Shirley.I wasn't surprised. The room was full of love and support. The Bishop said in his blessing that it was up to him now...to decide whether to go or whether to stay. They gave me a blessing of strength and peace. Dad participated in both blessings, which was very special for me. We all left his room and visited a bit in the waiting room. I went back in at about 8:45 and they had given him a sonogram to check for clots. Go figure...he had a clot in his left leg. We finally all left to go home around 9:30. Judy S had chicken and dumplings for me. The nurses promised they would call if he got restless. It had been a very long day........

January 3, 2007

The part of Wednesday, January 3rd that was eventful was the fact that he had slept most of the day away...who could blame him? He had several visitors, Tyler, Bob & Blake, Frank Long, and he slept through them all... but that evening he and I were able to have an actual conversation. It wasn't long, but he understood me and I understood him and it was the first conversation with my husband in 5 weeks. Some may say (mostly husbands) that wouldn't be so bad...but trust me, it is! I gave him a bad time about sleeping so much and he told me that it was easy to sleep with his comforter close by. Silly me, I'm thinking he's having a spiritual experience, when in fact, he was talking about me! It made the hours of sitting a lot easier knowing how much it meant to him. After 35 years of marriage you would think you would have felt any emotion possible, but I couldn't have loved him more than I did right then! He hadn't remembered anything about the CPR incident, which I'm sure is a good thing.

January 4th, 2007

They are going to move him back to the floor again. I hate it. I feel so much more comfortable and safe with him in ICU. He's just waiting for a bed. He looks great today! I thought maybe this was the beginning of his recovery!

January 7th, 2007

I woke up around 8:00 and puttered for a bit. I put on a roast. I had really been wanting a roast beef sandwich (homemade)! I went to the hospital about 10:30. I was ready to go to church and when I walked in, he was sitting in a chair! It seemed so strange to see him sitting up. He was done, however, and they quickly got him back into bed. The nurse, Debbie, was hanging some of his medication when she stopped and looked at me and said "I just had the impression that you have been praying for the nurses - have you?" I was shocked because I actually had been. I wanted them to be aware of Gordon and his problems. I told her yes, I had been praying for them. She said that she felt it very strong. What a testimony of my prayers was that to me.

I left at 12:40 and went directly to Sacrament meeting. The opening prayer was given by Gean Giles. She is such a sweet lady. her prayer was so sincere as if she were right there speaking directly to the Lord. She said there was one of our dear men that was very ill. She said she knew that miracles happen and if he had one to spare could he please use it for Gordon. It was so tender, I don't think I'll ever forget it. I also bore my testimony about how wise our Heavenly Father was to set up ward families and home teachers. I tried to pay tribute to Bob Craig without embarrassing him, but he's not one for the limelight. I felt the spirit so strong today.

I went home and grabbed a sandwich and went back to the hospital. Gordon's Mom was there when I got there with her friend Wendy. Judy and Allen came up and Don and Marilyn stopped in as well. Kent Brierley came by later in the evening. It was a good day!!

January 8, 2007

I went straight to work today and went to the hospital at lunchtime. When I got there he was sitting in his chair again, but this time he looked pale and sick. His heart rate got up to 167. They were hurrying to get him back into bed. As soon as they did his heart rate dropped. They had left him there too long. I stayed longer than I had planned because it worried me. They've got to be more careful........... He had a lot of visitors that day. It was a tiring day, but good visits.

January 9, 2007

No real medical events today, but Bob Craig came to visit. He got very emotional while we were visiting. He told Gord that perhaps his calling here is to help his family receive a testimony. His illness has affected a lot of people...for good. He also told us that he was working on finding a representative to help Gordon with the "agent orange" questions. He is so good to us.

January 12, 2007

When I got to the hospital this morning Gord wasn't feeling so good. He said he had been real nauseous. I sat by him and took a hold of his hand. He said "now I can rest". I told him I would stay with him all day...and I did.

He had a busy day. They put him in a chair around 11:30 while waiting for his lunch. About 12:30 Shelby and Stephanie came by with their kids and Chris. They visited for a minute or two and then we left him and went to the cafeteria and had lunch. I didn't come back until about 2:15 and he was still in his chair...being bathed. he was exhausted. While I was gone, Pres. Terry came by to visit. They talked about the Bishopric being replaced.

January 15, 2007

A whole new adventure. He's finally on his way to rehab. Several people in the hospital talked with us about the Rehabilitation area. He was not going to be able to stay in the center at LDS Hospital unless he could keep up with certain requirements. We really wanted him to be able to stay in the hospital unless there was a relapse...he would be right there. Everyone there assured him that he would be ok, but he was very nervous about the transition. It was another move. It seemed like just when we were getting used to an area and the nurses, procedures, etc., he would be moved. The nurses on the 6th floor all hated to see him go. He was their favorite. He had been an excellent patient. For those of you reading this who knew him well, which is probably most of you, that may be hard to believe. Gordon, a good patient? He really was...he was always polite to the nurses and let them do whatever was necessary without creating a problem...and for the most part, the nurses were very good to him.

Rehab was definitely a different scene... Nice people, but different focus. He seemed to do well. They really wore him out, but it was good. I think he finally felt like he was making some headway. The doctors in Rehab decided he should go home much earlier than we had expected. He was only in there two weeks. I was so frightened to bring him home...so afraid I couldn't take care of him properly. The diabetic training was scary and we only received it two days before they were going to release him. I had to remember so many things and I was so afraid I'd put him in a diabetic coma! But, off we went......

February 3, 2007

He was coming home. He hadn't been home for 75 very long days (not that I was counting). When we pulled up, so many people we loved were there to welcome him home. Judy S., Judy B., Dad, Bob, Bob Craig. They were standing in the driveway laden with balloons and flowers. It was so touching. The Bobs helped him get inside. He was overwhelmed and exhausted. I had taken his chair to an upholsterer to get it re stuffed. it was going to be his surprise when he got home from the hospital. Little did I know it would be 75 days before he could enjoy it! We got him in the house and sat him in his chair, protecting him as best we could from Abby & Bailey, who were beside themselves and couldn't lick him enough. I was wondering if he would have a face left! He loved it all, but was so tired that it wasn't long before we put him to bed.

The next big hurdle was getting his meds all set up for the week ($400 worth) and making sure we got his shots on time. It took me a day or two, but I finally got the hang of it...testing his blood sugar and giving him his insulin.

I stayed home all week and took care of him. It was a full time job, but we did it together. He had three ladies that came to check on him often. Nancy was the nurse, Nan was the physical therapist and Janet was the occupational therapist. They were all wonderful, but we both had a soft spot for Nan. She was a young, darling girl with the sweetest personality. She seemed to know how to encourage Gord to do what she needed him to do. I will never forget the day she walked him all the way to Mahers house (only two houses away), but we were all thrilled that he made it that far. Seeing him walk back down the street with Nan was bittersweet. He was progressing and I was proud that he made it that far, but he was so thin and still looked so sick to me. He would get nauseous and have headaches, but the doctor seemed to feel he was on the mend. He would get so frustrated with things not moving along fast enough. He was counting the days for Tami to get here!

The next Sunday was Ward Conference and he had told me he would like to try to go. I was very surprised because I didn't think he was up to it. I kept asking him if he was sure and he said, let's just try it. So, we got him dressed and in the car (which was no small feat) and off we went to Sacrament meeting. We were just a few minutes late and walked in after they had begun. All eyes turned to Gordon. Since he was in his wheelchair we just sat at the back so he wouldn't have to get into a seat. It came time for them to sustain the officers of the Ward. They acknowledged the High Priest Group Leaders and he started to stand. I looked at him and told him he didn't need to, but with all the determination and desire in the world, he got himself to his feet to acknowledge that he was there and accepted his responsibilities. I have never been so proud. He received so many well wishes, smiles, hugs. Everyone was so happy to see him at church, but again, he was spent. We got him home and back to bed, but it was a much needed excursion for him.

February 14, 2007

A couple of days before Valentine's Day, I thought maybe he'd like to go for a little ride, get outside and see some sunshine so we rode up to Kaysville to Judy's store, The Copper Frog. He walked inside and sat in a chair while I looked around a bit. While he was there, my niece Jodi was talking to him and "plotting" a Valentine for me.

On Valentine's Day, our last one together, he gave me a beautiful little antigue box with a silver bracelet inside. The charm was a heart made out of silverware. It was beautiful and I recognized it from the store. Jodi had wrapped it up for him and driven it down so I wouldn't know about it.

It was the most special thing I ever received. The fact that while he was still so ill, he took the time to think of Valentine's Day and me made me love him even more. We have spent 35 Valentine's Days together, some probably better than others, but at the end of the day we always knew that we loved each other...and it was that love that kept us going those 35 years through good times and bad (and there were plenty of both). He will always be my sweetheart.

Firsts - Part Eight - Christmas 2006

I want to write about Christmas now, right before Thanksgiving, as a reminder to anyone who might be reading this to love each other with everything you have... Oh, and by the way, he's the best Santa ever isn't he? (with the possible exception of the skewampus mustache!! Mrs. Claus should have fixed that!!)

Sunday, Christmas Eve, 2006

The furnace had been going off frequently. It was cold and I needed to think of Judy and Allen as well as myself...so I decided to call someone to come fix it. I knew it was going to be expensive to call on Sunday, let alone Christmas Eve, but I knew it would be even more on Christmas Day. The repairman said he would be here between 10:00-2:00 - so much for church! I tried to straighten the house some and wrapped some presents. Of course, repairmen never come when they say they will...does anybody? Bob and Shirley Craig dropped by the house after church about 2:30 to see how things were going. I told them I was waiting. Again, they were my angels right here on earth. They said they had no plans for the night and they would be happy to let them in. It was Christmas Eve...I couldn't ask them to do that. They insisted and promised that I wasn't ruining their night. I learned so many lessons during this time...and this was one of them. You MUST let people help you. We learn about serving others in church all the time. Gordon was always stubborn about letting people help him do anything...but how do they get their opportunities for blessings if we stop them. I was so grateful. I called the repair people and asked them to call Bob when they were ready to come and I left for the hospital.

I got there about 3:30 and again, no real change...maybe just a little more awake. I had to keep reminding myself it was really Christmas Eve. It was a Christmas I'll never forget, that's for sure. I sat by Gord's side until about 7:00 (when they ask me to leave) thinking about Chrismas's past and how next year we'd have to make up for it. It was Tami's first year away from home at Christmas as well, and even though she had Todd, I think she struggled because she was worried and felt she should be home with me. This was the plan before Gord got sick. She would spend their first Christmas in St. George with Todd's family and the next year with us. I wanted her to stick with the plan. Her Dad would be home next year and so would she and her new family... and all would be well in the world. I could get through this. It was so hard leaving him there. I felt like I was deserting him on Christmas...but he didn't even know!

I went on home and picked up a couple of things and there was a note from Bob on my kitchen counter. "When it rains, it pours". There was the receipt for the repair bill. $711. The part itself was close to $500. Because of the generosity of some dear friends, I had enough to cover the check. I didn't really even panic. It was so not important in the whole scope of things. In fact, it was another blessing sent our way.

I left the house and drove to Kaysville. Normally, on Christmas Eve we would drive up to North Ogden and spend Christmas Eve with Gordon's family, having dinner and exchange gifts, then on the way home we would stop at the cemetery and leave a candle burning for my Mom...and then come home. Well, I knew I wouldn't make the family party, but I wanted to at least go to the cemetery...and I did. I lit a candle and wished so much she was still here. I stopped at Judys on my way home and ate a little dinner. I stayed for about an hour and then came on home.

I got home about 11:00. Judy S called me when she heard I was home and said that her and Allen were going to Walgreens at midnight!!! I love this story because it always reminds me of how obedient Judy is to her Heavenly Father. She takes "keep the Sabbath Day holy" very seriously. It was Sunday and she would not consider stepping into the store until 12:01 a.m. on Monday! She is a valiant spirit! I went to Walgreens with them and finally found my bed about 1:30 a.m.

Christmas Day 2006

I'm so glad it's almost over...I woke up around 8:30. Judy's family had come to her house for breakfast. She called and invited me down. I got up and dressed and joined them. We exchanged out gifts and I left for the hospital.

Well, the best Christmas gift of all was that they moved him out of ICU and into a regular room. I was happy...and sad. I was happy that he had progressed enough to be able to be moved, but sad to know he was leaving the level of care he had been getting. The shock/trauma ICU, where they handle the worst cases, is an efficient remarkable team of people. We owe a lot to them. While we were waiting for him to be moved, Judy S brought the girls up to see Gord again. Abbie sang to him. She sang "Silent Night" and could hardly make it through the song. She held his hand and sang "Breath of Heaven". It was beautiful. Not only were earthly angels among us right then, but angels with wings were there as well...music has a way of inviting the spirit...and Gordon loved Abbie's music. He motioned for her to move closer (by barely moving his hands) and he gave her a kiss. It was Kyia's birthday and she brought him her "Princess Wand" in hopes it would help him get better. It was a beautiful touching experience.

Lynne came up to visit about the time they were moving him. I went downstairs and we visited while we waited for him to get settled. It was so nice of her to come on Christmas Day. It was nice to have someone to visit with while waiting. We got the word that he was settled in and went to see the new "digs". It was room 654. What a difference a room makes!!!! It was immediately obvious that the level of care was night and day! At this point, the communication with Gord was better, but still difficult. His speech was very low and unclear. He hadn't used his vocal cords for weeks and he was still fighting the end of the sedation drugs. I went home about 9:00 - glad that Christmas was over, but thankful that it ended on a positive note.

Tues, Dec 27th, 2006

It was a holiday from work for me. I got up and straightened up a bit for Tami and Todd. I've really let things go at home. I'm so excited to see Tami and I know she's anxious to see her Dad again. They drove up from St. George. I met them for lunch at Hires and then we all went up to the hospital. Gordon was happy to see her. He talked to her quite a bit and teased some with the nurses. Tami seems to be able to communicate with him a little better than I do. She hears him better, for one thing. She brought in his Christmas gifts and opened them for him. She bought him some new Rebok slip on sandals with "the boys" logo on top. He was pleased and told her in some sort of language to "put them on him". We uncovered his feet and she did the best she could. It was quite fun to watch!

They spent the whole day there with Tami right by his side. They have quite a bond. Tami is definitely her mother AND her father's child. Sometimes I think she's so much like him and that's a good thing! Todd stayed right there with us. He's a great guy. I know he and Gordon would have had great times together. Tami said she always wanted to marry a cross between Jeff Elder and her Dad...and I think she nailed it! We left and went to the Broiler for dinner and then came back to the hospital. He was asleep and we were all tired...so we went on home.

The next morning, we went straight to the hospital. A storm was coming in and Tami & Todd had to drive to Denver. They stayed at the hospital until about Noon and then needed to get on their way to try to be ahead of the storm. Gord asked her if she would be back in the morning and she had to tell him no... but that she would be back as soon as she could. When we left the room, she cried...we all did. I didn't want them to go and she didn't want to leave her Dad. It was an ugly day. I went to work, but struggled all day. I went back to the hospital. It seems so dark and dreary in that room...and crowded! I have a hard time hearing Gord when he talks. His bed is noisy and his voice is low...it's so frustrating for me, but worse for him. I know he gets frustrated with me. I hate him being there.

And so it was, that Christmas of 2006. It was the best of times...and the worst of times. It was the hardest, most lonesome Christmas, but there were some beautiful lessons learned and experienced. To my friends and family...don't let Christmas pass you by with the busy, commercial frenzy that comes with it. Don't assume there will be many many Christmases to come. Hope that there will...and live and love like there won't......... Have a Happy Thanksgiving...and a very Merry Christmas!

Firsts - Part Seven

Today is November 8th, 2008 and Judy S and I just got home from Bishop Larsen's daughter, Tykena's wedding. I bought the new Faith Hill and Sarah Brightman Christmas Cd's, because I'm a sucker for Christmas Cd's!!! It's a weakness, I know. I listened to Sarah a little before we left for the wedding. I think she was probably Gordon's favorite female singer (at least until Abbie came along)...and an opera singer at that! Who would have thunk? I sat down in the chair and listened for a few minutes. She started to sing Silent Night and my heart was very full. I miss him so much.

On the way home tonight, we listened to Faith Hill and it was beautiful. Judy said "what is it that makes Christmas music touch your heart so much? Is it the spirit of Christ?" I believe that's a large part of it...and I believe that it's "goodwill toward men" as well. We reminisced about Christmas 2006. It was a bittersweet Christmas, but I'll talk about in another post.

On Thursday, the 21st of Dec, Judy B took me to the Marie Osmond Christmas concert. I felt a little guilty going to a concert with Gord being so sick, but Judy thought, and she was right, that I needed the distraction. Right before she picked me up, our dear neighbor, BJ, came by with gifts for the family. She brought scarves and candy bars for Gord and I and dog dishes for the dogs...gotta love a true dog lover!!!! BJ and Marlene have done many wonderful things for us this past month. I was stunned by their generosity and caring. Sometime I hope to get even, but I'm not sure I can. One night I got home and there was a real surprise out front right by the curb. There was Sally and Gordon snowmen, all decked out in their finery. Gord even had a mustache! There was a sign in front that said "We love you". It was BJ, Marlene, and Morgan. They are wonderful neighbors. I'll never forget their thoughtfulness.. Judy picked me up and off we went. Marie was just ok...but spending the time with Judy was great. It was good girl time...and I needed it.

Friday, the 22nd was a short day at work so I decided to not go in. I called up to the hospital to see how his night was and the nurse practically ordered me to stay home. She told me that she was going to tell the whole staff that if they saw me, I was to be sent home....so I did. I actually had a fairly good day, as good as I could have at that time. I wrapped some presents, make Chex Mix, talked on the phone a lot, but I didn't leave the house and it was good to be home.

The Palmer Family has always had a Christmas Party. It used to be on Christmas Eve, but after Mom passed away and the family got larger, we decided to do it the Saturday before Christmas. Well, there was no one that wanted to have a party with Gord being in the hospital...and I didn't want them to not have the party...so we compromised. We had a Christmas lunch at Judy's house. I went to the hospital that morning for a couple of hours and then went to Judy's. Everyone was there except for Heidi, Tami and Chris and their families. I wasn't sure how it could get much worse than to have to go to the lunch without either Tami or Gordon. All of Bob's family was there...even Brent and Amy, Sue's daughter and husband. Brent was very disappointed that there wasn't any of Gord's fudge or oatmeal cookies (the ones with the secret ingredient). It was a great time to be together, and Judy made it lovely as always, but was definitely not the same for anyone. I went back up to the hospital around 5:00 for a couple more hours. When I got back home that night, the heat was off...again! I really frustrated.

Firsts - Part Six

Christmas was fast approaching. It was almost surreal going through the Christmas season with all the sadness and confusion surrounding me. I wrote very little in my makeshift journal the week before Christmas. I wasn't preparing a Christmas "as usual", but I did want to make sure I did a few things to let people know of our love for them, "because we have been given much" that holiday season. So, with Christmas, trying to be at work and at the hospital as much as possible and trying to return phone calls, it was exhausting.

Things were up and down with Gord. They did a CT scan to try to look for any pockets of infection or other reasons why his temp was still high. Judy B had come up to spend some time with me while we were waiting for those results. Bob and Judy were both very protective of their little sister during this time. They didn't want me to be alone if there was going to be any bad news. Dr. Pearle, who was the Attending Phys that night came in looking quite serious and told me that they had found some air around the liver that indicated some infection, as well as some pneumonia in his lung. Even though, this was a "first" for me as far as critical illnesses, I knew enough to know that pneumonia and infection are two words you don't want to hear in a hospital. He had seemed restless that night, his breathing more labored than it had been before. I could tell he was not well. I was upset and here comes Bob...with one of his timely entrances. I cried on his shoulder for a few minutes not knowing what the outcome was going to be. Another downhill ride on the coaster. How many loops and bumps does this thing have anyway?

We went into the waiting room and Judy S called. I asked her to call the Bishop and see if Gord should have another blessing. Bishop Larsen and Bob Craig were at the hospital within 30 minutes. Bob Craig gave him the blessing that night. He blessed him that he would get through this hurdle and that he would find peace and comfort in the arms of his Heavenly Father. It was one of the most tender blessings I've ever heard...full of emotion and love. The spirit was there without a doubt. Then Bishop Larsen gave me a blessing of strength and peace to get me through the days ahead. In my blessing he told me that Gordon was being tutored and receiving an education right now. So interesting...I wanted so badly to know exactly what it was he was being taught. I wanted to know where he was...what was he thinking, if anything. We went back into the waiting room and said our good-byes for the night. I can't say enough about these two servants of God. They were valiant in watching over my family.

Judy, Bob and I went back into Gord's room. It was about 9:00. His breathing was quiet and he was resting peacefully. Modern Medicine? I don't think so. It was stronger than that. Bob said, I can't believe the difference in him. If this experience does nothing more than renew Bob's testimony, I would be eternally grateful. I love him so much. We all left the hospital around 10:00. Bob went on home, but Judy and I stopped at Village Inn for a little breakfast. I was exhausted, but felt at peace enough to sleep. The days to come were interesting in regards to this incident. Gord's temp went down some and the Dr.'s seemed to push it aside as not being that concerning.... Interesting!

And it goes on....the next few days were fairly uneventful. He's trying still to wake up, more visitors, more phone calls. It had been about 3 1/2 weeks...who knew we still had much more to endure?

The Season Trees

Firsts - Part Five

It's fall...
I have what I like to call the "season" trees across the street. Three big trees in a row that tell you in an instant what season it is. Right now, they are a beautiful yellow with about 2/3rds of the leaves left on the tree. The grass has become a mixture of green and yellow, and as each day passes, the green will be hard to find. I love those trees. I would be sick if my neighbor should find a need to cut them down. I love the snow laden branches and the bright green buds as well. I love watching them change out my living room window.
To Every Time There Is a Season...Under Heaven...

Monday, Dec 11 - Gordon finally had his fifth and final surgery. It lasted about 5 hours. They were finally able to reconnect his bile duct and close him, at least most of the way. They closed the inside layer of skin (the facia..sp??), but left the outside layer still open. They will pull the skin tighter together after the swelling goes down a little more. When Dr. V came out of this surgery, he met with the family and said, "we made some progress today". That was so good to hear. I just knew that finally we would be able to see progress and he would come home.
They also decided to stop all sedation, and let him wake up,which was exciting as well. It had been 13 days since I had spoken with him...the longest time in 35 years. I missed him. The meds that they had him on to sedate him store in the fat cells, so since Gord was a big guy, they told me it could take awhile, but I didn't imagine it would take as long as it did. Judy B asked the nurses if they were aware they were waking the "sleeping giant"! All in all, it was a good positive day!

Tuesday, Dec 12 - No real change today. I went to work. My company Christmas Party is tonight, but I'm not sure how you party when you Sweetie is so seriously ill. I didn't go. When I left the hospital, I talked Judy S into El Matador...that was party enough for me.

Wednesday, Dec 13 -Still no change. When I got home from the hospital that evening, I noticed it was cold in the house. The heater had shut off. I was thinking about what should I do, who should I call...berating myself for not learning more about mechanical things...when the Bishop called. He asked how things were and so I told him. Not long after we hung up, he and his cute wife Diane showed up at my doorstep, flashlight in hand, ready to fix the furnace. About the time he was giving up, not knowing what was wrong, the furnace just turned on again... I was so grateful to be warm. That experience helped me remember that I do have blessings, in spite of the trials.

Thursday, Dec 14 - Impatience was setting in. The change in him was very slight...I thought he'd never wake up. I went into work for awhile, but I was feeling pretty low. Tears were flowing very easily. When I went to the hospital later that afternoon, his nurse, Silvio, told me that it could be months before Gord ever came home. No one had told me that. It made me angry. I thought that he must not know what he was talking about...turns out he was probably being brutally honest, where the others watched their words a little more carefully. Thank goodness for Judy S...when I would come home and need a deviation, she was always willing to oblige! We went Christmas shopping about 8 p.m. It helped take my mind off things a little.

Friday, Dec 15 -I always called the hospital when I would wake up in the morning...to check on how his night went. This morning I called and heard yet again "not much change". He was waking a little, moving around some, but still no response to commands. I think I was mentally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to stay in my bed and let the world pass by. I had my very own pity party that day...only I was invited...no one else was welcome because I didn't want to talk about it or think about it...at least for a few hours. I went over to Toy R Us to finish up the kids Christmas presents and came back home. I didn't even go up to the hospital. I felt guilty, but realized I needed the break. Sorry honey, but when I can't get you to talk to me, it's no fun! The room is lonely, the house is lonely... I just miss him so much

Saturday, Dec 16 - Judy S and I went and got our nails done this morning and then went to Dees and had breakfast. It was a nice morning and I appreciated her taking me. I came home, got ready to go to the hospital and stopped at the Craigs to give them an update. I brought them a couple of bags of Chewy's popcorn. He had made a bunch right before he got sick. While I was in their home they told me that they had been called as Mission Presidents in Arizona and would be leaving in July for 3 years. I was so devastated and sad to think of them leaving. I had really began to rely on their friendship and love, but I had to remember that of course the Lord would want them out in the field. They are truly remarkable, humble, genuine people. Not much changed in Gordon today He's moving his head and arms more, but still no response to commands. I stayed with him until 5:00 and then we went to dinner with our FHE group. We went to Market Street. I was going to treat for at least half, but Roger outbid me!!! He picked up everyones tab. Everyone that was there missed Gord. I went home after, watched "It's a Wonderful Life" and went to bed.

Sunday - Dec 17, Well, it's been 20 days since I told Gord that this was the First day of the rest of our lives. I came to the hospital about 12:30 - the nurse said he had been a little more responsive this morning, but I've been here for at least 30 minutes now and he's sleepng like a baby! It's snowing today and it's quiet at the hospital. Vanessa is the nurse. I really like her. He does seem to be moving around a little more, but still no major change. I decided to go home a little sooner due to the snow. I didn't want to drive in it after dark. I went to Gord, stroked his arm and gave him a little kiss on his forehead. I told him I loved him and he mouthed the words "I love you" back. Funny what a little "love" can do! It was his first words in 20 days. It pumped me right back up and I was ready to go for another week....

I haven't mentioned people in this blog as much. Some days I didn't write down who came, but I'll try not to miss anyone. Please don't be offended if I do. I love absolutely everyone who made the effort to come and in no way would mean to leave anyone out. By this time I know his Mom had come and we talked many times a week. I do remember I spent many hours on the phone answering calls from friends and family who weren't close enough to visit. I liked being home when I wasn't with Gord because I felt his presence there, and... I could sit on my couch in the living room and watch the "season" trees change to winter..............

To every time, there is a season under heaven....