I decided to make a list of all the things I have sacrificed on my way to the A levels so that it can spur me on at this critical juncture. Whenever I want I can always come back here to check out things that HAVE to motivate me :)
Frankly, even though its so close to A's, my studying and internalising doesnt feel like its my peak mode. This is worrying since I've often pushed away many things off for study till the period before A's, and before I know it nows the time. Kk let's go:
-Main postive thing I can achieve in HC(Only I think)
-Kinds of makes a great O lvl grade look poor(Its not time to care about whether it was a fluke)
-Mugged Hard this year Especially during June holidays with 3-4 maths tuitions per week and most were 3hrs each. Even in Sep holidays and now math tuitions have probably been the most I ever had in my entire life this year.
-I have to start equating my standard to A Lvls and not HC's. I still believe that HC's qns are over demanding (most of the time and without some novel knowledge its enough to score a decent grade)
-Chem tuition with William was great, insightful, probably the best tutors out there in chemistry. I dont wanna disappoint him, especially even when mdm ching said I wasnt a concern for Chemisry!
-GP progress has been the most rewarding this period, with lots of broader perspectives knowledge and online stuff ranging from things like Wikileaks (Julian Assange's the man). I still need more knowledge on the following stuff:
-Ethical Issues surrounding genetic science, death penalty, green technology and Singapore in general
Battle starts next next Monday! :)
-With Mrs Mangit's insights AQ shouldnt be a problem.
Math: Integration (remember 4 impt formulas), Vectors early part, Sampling(Average part), Hypothesis Testing, C and R formulas!
Economics:
Probably my greatest battle I would ever have this exams.
I rmb piaing so hard in the lib everyday(yea srsly everyday) reading ans sheets and notes. Damn I dont believe I cant score decently ESP for case study (12m and 8m qns in the way)
Still to cover: -Globalisation (back part of notes) -Market Structure(last part)
Focus on this during WEEK 2
Chemistry: Still need to read all the notes again(William's one first) 1 Day for planning(next fri/thur) Focus on Paper 2 since it comes first on week 1
5 main qns -Organic -Trans metal -Enthalpy -Ksp -Ionic equil -Redox(Electrochem)
Biology:
Not my primary concern since its in week 2
BUT, I still got to finish some content before the start of A's: MON/TUE Nervous system Cancer Biomolecules
Kk got my main plan in order alr...now all thats left is to exercise prudence and confidence in my revision and studying.
Its only 10 days left.....compared to those times earlier in the year, this is seriously a much better position to be in, I swear. Everyday from now would be closer and closer to a better life in countless aspects. Imagine a day without tuition, a need to open a book, the freedom to play soccer,vball,dota and FIFA 13...as literal as it gets all hells gonna break loose once all this is over....
....I can't my past 2 years stop me now.
All this shit has made me so tired...its time to get some reward to make it all worth it.
10Days...there's no way I'm gonna waste all my past efforts to keep up..
Love, @ 12:03 AM
.October 20, 2012 ♥
Hello World.
Its been a long time since i last posted, but ive been here many many times in between. A part of me is kind of unwilling to write on my fears, insecurities and pains. But at the same time i know that its the first step to overcoming my psychological barriers.
Its really close to A levels, like 15 days or so? Feels unbelievable, to be so close to liberation from all the shackles that have held me down. For a heavy part of this year I've been stuck up in the library or at tuitions just trying to make it through the day. Remembering things I dont feel important, learning concepts that never clicked, or even mermorising things I could hardly understand. Its all for A's, i told myself. However, at the days decline, I'm hit with this realisation that I wont be fully prepared as I was for O's. My achievement there and then seems like a one-hit wonder when I fail to understand things in my current notes. Sometimes, I have even resented myself for doing so well, ending up in a highly pressurizing school with only myself to rely on. Kind of ironic when everyone else is working so hard just to improve their grades. I guess I'm just not cut out to be the kind of academic that undertakes rigorous education and possess inspiring intellect. As I look back on my 2 years, I can probably count the number of days I really enjoyed school with my bare hands. A terrible thought, but nonetheless very true. I have never felt so isolated before. Not that I did'nt try, but i reckoned that I couldnt truly connect with many as I had done before.
Here I am, awake at 3.40am cos I cant sleep. I've been on heavy overdrive till my illness yesterday, heading down to the lib at normal sch times and heading out to study and numerous tuitions on the weekends. Now, all the pent up stuff in my body is exerting their full effects on me. Like even after sleeping most of the day away, I still feel lethargic and unwell. I guess im too focused on my grades till i neglected my body. But the sad truth is, its probably the only positive thing i can take away from this school, and i really want to do my best, even if circumstances are not as good now. As i remember the countless regrets I made these 2 years, all the more my past acheivements and awards feel marginalised. To face the facts I joined soccer mainly due to the fear of going to volleyball. Frankly speaking, I'm too used to being the better player in a team, and the moment i went vball training that certainty was obcure. With everyone with nice builds, heights and technique, how can my makeshift moves stand a chance? There were even national players in the team. There was nothing I can do to gain the exposure others had. However, all my fears suddenly dissipated the moment I went to watch the semifinals this year. Not that they were gone, but they were laughing at me for overestimating them all along. I spent majority of last year thinking that I was'nt good enough and they have better players, until I saw how poor they could play at their worse. It was only until then it struck me that all along, my fears have prevented me from doing the things I wanted to. My fears closed down opportunites I was given. My heart was screaming how much better i could be if i was there, but my head was crudely inclined to reality. Once some chances go, they never come back.
For soccer, things didnt end that well either. I screwed up our first game, which turned out to be the most important one, partially cos i didnt listen to advice and slept late the day before. Furthermore previous oligations to build up my build and train my stamina didn last long enough, and true enough, I struggled with the physical aspects of the game and had leg cramps nearing game end. As i reflected, I realised how selfish i was for putting myself before the team, caring about my injuries first before the team's well-being. Just as how I can see coach giving me the armband, I can see how he can strip it off me. He should have, cos that make me wake up and realise the essence of team sports, something I could fare well in but not excel. Simply because I was too selfish. His scolding was short, but it remainds etched in my mind. It was the first time someone I looked up to told me I was a disapointment in my face..
With so much inside me and so little to share my thoughts with, I guess it was due time for my illness. The wasted opportunities, wasted time and regrets have scared me in many aspects. I know my emotional and psychological well being wasnt that good for a long time, but it goes to show how such things can impact your physical health.
I wish I could write more but my body is craving for more rest.
Wish I can make it through the dark.
Love, @ 4:03 AM
.March 09, 2012 ♥
Hello world once again.. I seem to have gotten used to the transient and fleeting exp of jc...I feel as though things are moving so quickly..in time all would change once again..in this society of constant deadlines and work assignments, I wonder if people actually value their past experiences that have shaped them into the way they are today..now I'm on 32 back home after a long day at sch with gp papers and then mugging at library for abt 2 hrs plus, and finally training and catching up with some of the vballers..hmmm I didn't even do shot before gp,just playing some PSP and watching vids..though I felt that I did fairly well today...not so good at the start..but progressively better and better. During training a slight looseness in my right leg made me feel weak and unstable, and this is something I got to improve on..next weeks march holidays is probably more busy than normal sch weeks, haha what blatant irony..5 trainings,cip,USS,family time and block test revision..just perfect..
Love, @ 11:04 PM
.March 04, 2012 ♥
Hello world.
I rmb I used to start off my posts this way. Probably I feel so reminiscent because of the old times. Because the world as I see today, Is really different from before.
As I proceed on with jc, I'm kind of glad I've gotten used to the rigour and fast paced life,esp for a place like my sch Now as I think back, jc 1 was really tough for me as I had to cope and adapt on many fronts. It was hard.really hard.I don't rmb any other time which I got so close to giving up.but somehow,things got way much better.this year,I've been on better terms with many classmates.got to know more ppl,though their mostly related to football. Even in my team I can feel my own influence and impact, and the recognition coach gives me when I play well. At least the worst has passed.My studies are gradually improving as I can see how a level exams require a different level of answers. Even though my grades are pretty much about the same, I know what matters is the knowledge of doing your personal best. Also, I've tried not to associate a certain degree of coldness I feel in sch with the way I treat others..simply because from what it looks, jc looks nothing but a platform for ppl to improve their track record and portfolio. I think that its probably natural that its hard to make close friends based on the short two years in jc, but what astonishes me is that many ip ppl interact in ways that deters them from making close friends. Already I see friendships formed simply based on common class or cca, in a rather superficial level where conversation exists only with regards to work or training practice. I think to a certain extent, such interaction cannot be blamed and everyone would be guilty of it for more or less, but it seems like students are so primed for success and self recognition that others are merely treated as acquaintances or 'transient friends' as I like to call it. Not that being hungry for achievements is wrong, but I wonder sometimes, what goes on in their old classrooms whereby they are inclined to think that whatever the sch provides them is ' top quality education '? Because personally, I don't find what I'm receiving to be top quality. Maybe this is only the case in jc, where teachers got no choice but to teach a lvl stuff, but I really find something wrong, as much as it continues to churn out many bright talents and high achievers. Without all the notes and grades, it can be likened to a large business corporation really, where everyone is working hard to get to the top.
Ands there's also this issue of spamming assignments and making workload tight. Whats the correct justification As to why students in jc have to work their socks off for everything? For studies and cca, I understand, but sometimes it gets so atrocious until I really question whether students know the significance of what they are doing. Having a rigid and rapid syllabus doesn't equate to taking on numerous courses.like h3 or sl.certainly it looks good on any portfolio, but are students just wanting to be busy cos of this subtle rat race, where being free of workload equates to slacking and hence low achieving? I really don't know.
Definitely, I've come to the conclusion that excellence is regarded as flawless grades and entry to overseas universities. I can see plenty of students geared up to enter Oxford or Harvard. Then again, I think about how many sch students resort to cutting corners just to seal academic excellence. I got to admit, I expected much more on the part of the student quality though I admit there are true bright sparks that does not encompass me. Many simply only focus on pure syllabus, and their lack of concern for humane issues leads me to think that even if they succeed, would they benefit the weak and unfortunate of society? Many even bring their chargers to sch on a regular basis, which I find pretty much sums up how students are willing to spend on tuition, notes and luxuries, while they are not even willing to pay a small sum of electricity from home. Sometimes I think its fine esp when the phones battery is low on a hectic day, but when students resort to borrowing chargers to utilise resources efficiently, it kinds of irks me.
I wonder what kind of society do I live in. I believe this is not what my parents wanted me to learn when they migrated to sg. In a sch where anything short of perfect excellence is regarded as failure, I can imagine how students would cry and emo when they get one b short of all a's.Maybe they don't understand that in society, its impossible to achieve perfect excellence, cos it only remains as a model for ppl to follow by. If I get that ill be perfectly satisfied, cos I know I'm not doing studies to gain the superficial admiration from others. I can see countless being great careerwomen, but to think of them as wives that help to handle the household and children, I am still shrouded in obscurity. I feel that education, esp education in a top sch not just means good results, but an all rounded learning process that teaches individuals how to govern their lives thereafter, and not just by the direct and simple allocation of degrees and jobs. Also, a good education would incorporate into students a passionate sense of humanity and a wide view of perspectives that lets them emphatise and resolve to help out the weak and poor around the world, or to improve mankind and make it a better place. From what I see, I feel that it is sorely lacking. Definitely cip is not the best way to achieve such an effect, for I reckon many would not go for such programmes if it had no correlation to portfolio. Students are probably more concerned with their phone batteries and iPhone games than poverty and strife even in our own country. Quite depressing when the situation is exacerbated by the fact that students think simply because they are in a top sch, they are top students and the things that the sch and society deem for them are definitely the best. Being in a top school never equates to having 'correct viewpoints', and definitely, not the best tool that society can utilise.
Maybe all above looks too perverse for any ' top sch ' students , but the fact is the true quality of a student cannot be measured simply by results and cca points.
Too bad society forces everybody to be scrutinised through the same telescope.
Suddenly the next 2 weeks of break seem so long.I realize i don't want a break anymore.
I wan school..but I got no choice..
I'm really stuck for words.
I don't know where else can I rant.
I can't even remember the last time I felt this way..
Times have changed..
I really have to improve myself if I want to down this road next time.
On one side I kind of miss the simplicity of the past,but at the same time Im attracted by what the future has to offer..
The joy was euphoria.maybe till irrational..
I can't forget that moment.
God this is just self torturing man..
Yet I can't help it..
It was really world diabetes day.
My situation,is like 如果时间来到。
爱不疚，难度更高。
没说的话，流在万尺天牢。
如果时间来到，就要止步，求别做笑话，失足跌倒。
Damn sian..
But really..it's all I can do for now..
I don't even rmb old shit being a f up as this..
Screw the hormones..
Love, @ 1:47 AM
.August 24, 2011 ♥
Hello world.
I'm here just to rant on stuff that I shouldn't be telling anybody.
This week which hasn't even ended yet is giving me one hell of a rollercoaster ride that I see no destination.
I don't rmb feeling so conflicting in my thoughts..
I wish all this can just stabalise and stop making me tank new shit..
But at the same time I wanna know a better and be much much closer..
Wa I think my tanking reach limit alr..
Can't stand how much I resent it..as well as how much I actuallly loved it..
Replaying f up songs like come to me and let's get wet only strengthens all the passion..
Nowadays its damn hard to control my thoughts whenever I see a..
I feel happy that a is happy..yet someThing is missing out of this eqn...I rly don't know..
I never felt so strong before as long as I can rmb..cos a rly attracts me in almost every quality i emphasize..
These few days felt damn dreamy and fast..that's why today felt so long..
Maybe this week is just an outlet to release my feelings.
Since I had to keep them and move on.
Man the beer just seems to make me drowsier..
I know I can't rely on a too much..but I can't control sometimes..or all the time..haix....
I feel so trapped..what happened to just become close friends?sounds like the joke of the century now..
Now I'll have to just chant ..gd frens gd frens gd frens gd frens..gg
