Brain dumping

Well.  That's embarassing.  I just went ahead and posted an OOOOOOLD post I wrote when we were in WV, that got saved but never posted.  But before that, my last post was over a year ago.  And what a year. 

We finished our travel assignment in Virginia, stopped off at Disneyworld on our way to Mesa, AZ, where I completed another 13 week travel assignment.  Then we headed off to Alaska, where halfway through my travel assignement, my contract was cancelled by the hospital.  We were left with what we had hoped would be a full summer in Alaska, to it suddenly being over before the snow melted!  Anyway... blah blah blah, here we are, still in Anchorage, having completed the full summer, and now we're headed into the long dark winter again.  Only now I'm a full time staff nurse at a local hospital and no longer a traveller.  Plus, there's that whole, oh yeah, we're having another baby thing.  (!!)

I'm not here to update the blog though.  I'm mostly here to relieve my brain. 

I feel like there's so much bouncing around in my head these days and I remembered that writing a blog post about my thoughts always helped me to get it out there and it would feel less jumbled inside my brain.  There's too much to be just an Instagram or Facebook posting, which is my usual these days.

I can't guarantee it will be any sort of interesting read, but here goes:

I've been wondering lately if I might be depressed.  Like clinically depressed.  Need medication depressed.  I can never be sure because there's SO MUCH circumstantially that could be causing my symptoms that it really could just be that.  Circumstantial depression.  The Blues.  You know? 

First, the abrupt change of job, the suddenly more permanent nature of our staying in alaska, and the probably not going to ever travel nurse in hawaii or california (my next goal spots) at least in the next 18 years.  When we had the week of significant change--you know, the week I lost my contract, applied to and set an appointment for an interview for a staff position at Providence, and found out I was pregnant (surprise!), it really threw me more than I thought at first.  It always felt right to stay in AK.  I couldn't feel good about doing anything else.  Since I was pregnant and needed a regular staff position, it was pretty much stay or go back to Utah.  And staying felt better.  but suddenly we weren't on this perpetual vacation like it had felt to be a travel nurse.  Plus, there would be no more travel assignments.  Our two years of fun turned into one.  It was harder than I thought. 

Next, pregnancy.  All the fatigue and hormonal changes!  Do I feel perpetually fatigued because I'm depressed?  Or because I'm growing a human?  Do I lash out and get angry because I'm hormonal or because I'm depressed?  For which reason do I break down and cry randomly and unexpectedly?  also add to that that this pregnancy was unplanned.  (I worry about writing my feelings on becoming pregnant for the fact that someday this sweet girl will read my words and think she wasn't wanted.  But unplanned isn't unwanted sweetheart.  I knew deep down i'd have had you one day, but it just wasn't going to be quite yet. Heavenly Father knew that maybe we wouldn't have had you, had we waited, and you needed to be here.  I don't know why yet, but we need you.) Becoming pregnant really solidified the no longer travel nursing, also, cancelled a much anticipated trip to Guatemala, and the week I got pregnant was the week I had hired a personal trainer and started a 12 week program to lean out and get strong and start on a path I had hoped would gain me a better body.  Little did I know I was headed straight for the opposite.  It was something I always wanted to try.  Just to see what it would take and if I could do it.  So no travelling, and no vacation, and lost vanity are all pretty shallow things to get depressed about.  But even a loss of expectations can feel like a significant loss.  We grieve all our losses.  

Then there's the fact that I'm thousands of miles away from my usual support system and visiting them is way harder than if we lived anywhere else in the US.  Flights are so expensive and driving is out of the question.  I miss my family.  I miss my sister.  I miss my girlfriends.  I don't have my usual outlets of laughter and fun and connection with people.  I know only ryan's family up here, and though I love them and we've grown plenty close and I adore being with them, it's still different.  It's still a change rather than my "usual" like I said.

Then there's work and the weather.  I work nights.  Full time nights.  I prefer the night shift.  I see my family more.  The night shift so much less taxing on my body physically, and the staff are more my type.  But they are taxing mentally.  Once again, am I perpetually tired and can't get up the energy to enjoy anything because I'm just freaking tired?  Or because I'm depressed?  I always feel the worst and the most depressed after working my three nights in a row.  But by day two of my off days and by the time my "work week" rolls around again, I feel better and normal!  So is it just the actual fatigue?  I  JUST DON'T KNOW!!
Oh, I mentioned the weather.  Apparently the weather this summer was "usual" alaska summer weather.  I can count on my fingers on both hands how many sunny days we had all summer. I seriously remember them all (unless I was sleeping through them between shifts.  But that didn't happen that often.) because there were so few!  I've never lived where it is cloudy and rainy and never warmer than maybe 75 degrees before.  I didn't know how much I would struggle with that.  We'd still go out and do stuff, because what else can you do?  But the lack of sun isn't anything to sniff at.  I started taking vitamin D supplements.  I think they help.  I didn't think precipitation ruined my mood.  But then, I lived in the desert where it rains like, 30 inches a year or something. 

Anyway.  Things just fluctuate.  Sometimes I felt really down and lost.  Sometimes I felt just fine!  I've felt like I've been on the upswing lately though.  I've had more good days than not, and I feel more in control.  (listen to me, even the way I'm talking sounds like I have a mental illness, doesn't it?)  It's especially improved since we went on our last hurrah of the summer---a super rainy (surprise surprise) weekend down at Anchor Point with the Hibberts. 

Lindsay had brought along a book she read for book club, and got us all to try to figure out what "type" we were on the Enneagram.  It's sort of a personality typing/person typing thing, but it's been around for a long long time.  There's books and books about it.  Anyway, it started as fun, but has actually helped me a lot. 

You see, according to the enneagram, I'm a Seven.  Or "the Enthusiast" (turns out Michael Hibbert is the same as well).  Finding out the facets of a Seven have really helped me to realize ways I hinder and help myself just by my very nature.  It's been amazing to realize things I've observed about myself being validated by this weird enneagram thing.  You see, Seven's don't like to feel bad.  i've always known this about myself.  I don't like to feel disappointment, sadness, anger, etc.  So... I just....don't.  I've always known I live in my own little world of puppies and rainbows and unicorns and have always felt that that was fine by me!  Seven's smother their feelings with doing.  Always perpetually planning the next big thing, the next adventure, the next project, the next--whatever.  Seven's are happiest when they are anticipating.  It's not always the actual doing of the thing, but just being excited about the thing that's coming!  I've often thought to myself, "are the things I'm always planning just a bandaid so I don't feel bad or bored?"  Uh.... the answer is yes.  Seven's are also the lifter of others.  We make things more fun because we're always perpetually interested in having fun.  It was my favorite part of being a charge nurse, when I realized I could lift the mood of everyone in the unit because my leadership position let me leak my positivity to every one.
I've always known I had a knack for never finding anything not entertaining.  I can always find a way to make whatever I'm doing fun.  I noticed as a young adult I didn't go on many bad dates, but that that wasn't usually because the guys I dated were always great dates.  It was usually because I was determined to enjoy myself  even if the date sucked.  Seven's also can always put a positive spin on anything.  Stuff sucks, but we're going to find a way that it was better by putting a positive spin on it.  This may all sound like great stuff, but it's also our, MY greatest weakness.  The bad stuff is just getting buried.  It's just being put away for a later time.  There is a definite lack of depth to me, because I don't want to feel anything but UP. 
Anyway, There's too much to talk about with what a Seven is and how it applies to me, but my point is how it's helped me to have this understanding.  What I do as a seven, is not feel when I should.  So when I starting thinking, "am I depressed?"  I say, nope!  I don't want to be, so I'll just not think about it.  But the thing with the feelings is that they don't just go away.  They always come back. And since I'm burying my feelings and ugly thoughts, they are never fully examined.  It always takes me a long time to process and figure out what my feelings are.  Just ask Ryan, usually when I'm picking a fight with him, it's not about what I'm picking a fight about.  the thing I'm fighting about just feels like an easier problem than the real problem.  But eventually the real feeling comes out and I can look at it and really feel it.  
So I've been trying to feel more.  And I've been recognizing more when my triggers to fill my life with fun and interesting things are being used to cover up a feeling.  I can't function feeling things in the moment--It's just not who I am. Duh, we've established that.  But I've tried to take more time to go to my little shelf of feelings and take one off and embrace it for a while.  Which, is actually what a five does.  In the eneagram, certain numbers are linked, and a "healthy" number will be more like another number in some cases.  It's hard to describe, but I recommend looking it up.  Do you know who is a number 5? Ryan.  neither Ryan and I feel things in the moment, or I should say, embrace feelings in the moment.  However, Ryan's personality type will take the time when alone to feel things.  As opposed to just burying them forever under bushels of fun and optimism, like sevens.  It turns out a "healthy" number 7 functions more like a 5. 

Anyway.  Through my self examination and recognizing my coping habits for what they are, I feel like I'm getting "healthier".  By letting myself actually feel bad, I don't feel so bad.  :)  I've also tried to encorporate some mindfulness techniques.  Like when you're meditating and a thought pops in your head, you're supposed to just acknoweldge it and then let it pass by like a passing cloud.  It's helped to let myself feel bad and then acknowledge it and then put it on a cloud to pass by.  It works for me.  I'm not an expert, but It feels healthier than just burying it and pretending it doesn't exist. I realize, like when I read about other personality types on the eneagram, I probably sound totally weird to some people.  Like, how can you function?  But that's what's nice about the enneagram, you can use it to understand the other crazy people in your life better.  I want to get my whole "tribe" of people (family and friends) to decide their number so I can try to "get" them more. 

I realize this post was all a bit of a mess, but I feel better having gotten this all written out.  I'll post it, but since I haven't blogged in forever, I don't know that anyone will read it. I also know my self diagnosis and treatment is, I don't know, per my usual seven type, a bit shallow.  I rely on wonderful deeper people like my husband, to help me out of the clouds.  I am what I am, and so this post and the thoughts in it are what they are.

Feel free to read my previous post about West Virginia, it was kind of a fun blast from the past.  I actually have saved on my computer some where some word documents that were supposed to be copied and pasted into blog posts with pictures and stuff.  I should find those and add them...  I wrote them driving across the country from the east coast to Arizona.   

What We've Been Up To

Well, we've completed four weeks here in the East.  It's been a full four weeks! My job is going fine.  I'm getting used to things, and actually feel pretty comfortable. I'm amazed how little time it's taken.  We've spent almost every spare moment when I'm not working, touring the area.  We have to take a break some days because the kids could use a stay-home day sometimes.  But we've mostly been out and about.

Here's where we've been:

C&O canal.  There's a whole National Historic Park along the C&O canal that follows the Potomac River.  It's mostly empty, but the canal tow road is a sort of parkway trail.  Lots of people bike/walk/run along it.  It's like 180 miles long, if I'm remembering right, and has a lot of different entry points.  We hitched up to it in Maryland, just abut 20 minutes from our apartment.  We took a walk.  It was hot.  But so green!  There's so many trees here! It's like a freaking rainforest I feel like sometimes.

Local Rec Center and Library.  We went to the local rec center where they have a trampoline gymnastics area that they have "open gym" times for kids under 7.  We went for Malcolm's birthday, and the kids loved it!  I wished they'd let the parents play more too.  But We just did a few jumps into the foam pit and stuff to get them going.  We've also swam at the rec center pool.  They're outdoors and only open until Labor Day, so we'll be done swimming here soon.  We go to the library fairly regularly to get books.  It's pretty small and sad, but because of that there's hardly any waiting lists for the books you want.

Harpers Ferry. Where the Shenandoah and Potomac Rivers converge, there's a little town called Harpers Ferry.  It's all historic with old buildings turned into museums and things.  There's some big events that happened there, mainly civil war armies passing through and John Brown's raid.  We've been brushing up on our history a lot out here!  We actually went to Harper's Ferry twice.  Once we got rained out by a monsoon!  Or at least it seemed like one.  I've never seen so much rain come pouring out of the sky at once!  We managed to see a civil war canon be shot, but left shortly after arriving in town because we saw the deep black clouds looming and read the weather report.  The next time it was a beautiful sunny day, and we saw the rest of the town, hiked to Jefferson Rock (where Thomas Jefferson stood and looked out over the area.), then had lunch.

The National Mall,  We've spent two days in DC at the National Mall.  On our first trip we walked and walked and walked all around the different monuments.  Whew!  It was quite the day!  The next time we went to the Smithsonian Castle, The Hirshhorn Sculpture Museum, and the Museum of American History. The second day was amazingly wretchedly HOT!  We were glad we were spending most of it inside.  We took the Metro in to the National Mall both times we've been.  The kids think the train is a lot of fun.

The Brick Festival.  We drove to Chantilly, VA (a really nice drive on highways through the country rather than interstates) to go to a Lego Convention.  It was actually a lot of fun. Malcolm really loved it, of course.  Lots of amazing creations made by all the different Lego clubs in the area... now I forget what they call themselves.  But some amazing stuff! Elliot was mostly bored and wanted to run around and hang on the chains keeping people back from the displays.  So I spent a lot of time just following her around and looking at what I could between Ellie wrangling.

Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center Air and Space Museum.  Did you know that there are two Smithsonian air and space museums?  While we were in Chantilly for the Brick Festival we thought we'd stop by the "other" one.  It was fun, but also made me realize what a cool museum is at the Hill Air Museum.  They had many of the same planes, if not even more and cooler ones.  However, the Udvar-Hazy center had the space shuttle challenger.  Which was the highlight for sure. It was cool to get up close to it and many of the other space things from recent space explorations.

Philadelphia.  We most recently went to Philadelphia for an over-night stay.  It is a 4 hour drive from where we live, and there's a new temple with an open house going on.  So it was a great excuse to go.  I really liked Philly!  The city is definitely big!  But has so much history and cool stuff.  We went and did just the most obvious of highlights.  We had to get home to go to Malcolm's Kindergarten Orientation, but I'd have liked to stay longer.
We saw: The Love Statue, City Hall, Dilworth Park-where the kids played in the fountain, Independence Hall and it's visitor center, the Liberty Bell, the Temple--which also has a really cool new meetinghouse built next to it.  The style makes it look just like an old building but all clean and new!  Same with the temple.  They did a great job of matching it to the style of surrounding buildings and the feel of Philadelphia.  And most Open Houses I've been to in Utah are busy enough, they just let you walk through and you just look and then can ask questions at the end.  This one you stopped in the entry and a local member talked a little about the temple, then stopped and talked to someone again in the baptistry, the ordinance room, the brides room, and the Sealing Room.  So that was different and cool.  We had dinner and then walked through the city and past the temple all lit at night.
The next day we swam in the hotel pool, then checked out and saw the Rocky Steps at the Philadelphia Art Museum and walked through some more of town to get some lunch.  Then we ran out of time with all the bus driving and walking we had yet to do to get back to our car.  We BARELY made it home in time to meet Malcolm's teacher.  There was just too much to see to fit in two half-days.  I'd like to go back, but I don't know that we will.  There's still so much on our list!  Of course, everything is getting further and further away, as we've done more of the closer things.

Ryan also took the kids to a local kids museum, and he's been to many of the creeks and rivers in the area fishing too.  Virginia is starting to grow on us.  Though I don't really love West Virginia, or at least Martinsburg where we live.  Our apartments are in a fine area, but most of Martinsburg is... bleh.  I'm not a fan.  I've enjoyed almost every place we've been to in Maryland.  I've liked Maryland. And Pennsylvania too.  Though they all have similar looking views.  and as much as I thought we would, we've not spent a ton of time in Virginia.  Unless you count the 36+ hours a week I spend taking care of their sick people.  :)  But we have plans coming up to visit some more of it's natural areas.  We're pretty excited!

Mesa Verde and Bear Lake

Two things didn't get remembered well enough that happened in May and June.

First, we went to Mesa Verde with the Dearden family.  That is, all except Mom.  She had a pip band thing in California?  I think.  Anyway, we, the Greens met up a few days later than everyone else.  They all went to Natural Bridges and Four Corners.  Then we met them in Mesa Verde National Park.  We spent two nights and two days exploring the park.  We had a real nice group campsite, with a forested area where the kids ran a muck.  We celebrated Mikey's birthday.  We toured Balcony House and the Cliff Palace.  Then saw a whole lot of other sites and view points.  It was lovely weather, though a little cool at night.  We sang songs around the campfire, and my favorite was when we randomly decided to tell "tall tales" that really turned into telling our most embarrassing stories around the fire.  Ha ha!  Good times.   After Mesa Verde, we took a BEAUTIFUL drive through Durango, CO (where we stopped for lunch in a park.) and through to Silverton, and along the Million Dollar Highway to Ouray, CO.  Where we camped nearby and spent two days there too.  The Titans and JorKell's went on after we visited the Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, on our way to Dinosaur National Monument. We drove a little over 1000 miles on this big ol' road trip!  It was crazy!  (a new record, until our cross country move a few weeks ago.)  We had a ton of fun though.  A ton!
I shared plenty of photos to Instagram and other places, but took way more than is necessary, as always.  So I'm glad I have this blog to dump them all into and remember the trip by.

In June, We had almost a whole month with Ryan's family in town!  The Hibberts had a reunion, then Lindsay stayed for the Green reunion with her girls.  And all the while, Ryan's parents were here too!  We did a lot.  Mostly just stuff around town.  We went to the aquarium, we ate out, we went to the Aviary, we hung out, we had people over, we went to people's houses.  It was a full few weeks!  We even went and rented a house in Lava Hot Springs with Jared and VoNique too!  We ended up with rainy cool weather though, which was lame.  We did lots of hot pool soaking, we ordered pizza, we played at the park, and we ran the river a few times.  It was SO fun to share that tiny town we love with some new family members.  Later we went up to bear lake with the WHOLE Green and Aurich family reunion.  Where we swam, played games, played volleyball, had our usual talent show, ate food, etc. etc. etc.  And as opposed to the Mesa Verde trip, I didn't take nearly enough pictures.  I bet other members of Ryan's family have much better ones than I.  But here are the few I got.

And there you have it!  A not very detailed, but at least some sort of record of, all the fun we had this summer before we left!