Labor and Deliberation

Last week, Ryan's grandma died.  She had had a pretty steady decline in her health over the past year, then seemed to sort of plateau and was doing well. Then she sort of just quickly declined in a matter of days. She died how I'd like to though.  No hospital, no intervention.  Just went through the dying process and slipped away...  (Though I think I'd like to be outside when I die.  Someplace pretty.  If at all possible.)

Ryan's parents are in town this weekend for the funeral, and when they said they were coming I was so sure this meant that this baby girl would be coming!  She HAD to be here when they came, just HAD to.  I had some "false labor" a few times, where contractions seemed to be coming frequently, but never got very close together or stronger before petering out.  As time got closer to his parents coming, I was getting more and more anxious and spent many afternoons (quiet time for Mal) in turmoil over what to do.

You see, I had a c-section with Malcolm.  They've told me (the midwife practice I go to) that I can say at any time that I want a c-section and we'd schedule it.  So I fought with myself about what to do.  Do I try to induce with so called "natural" methods?  Do I go ahead and schedule a section for convenience sake?

Now they're here and I've still been worrying and fretting.  But this morning as I am awake in this quiet house,  (Mal is still asleep!  it's 10 am!! bwah?? --late night, no nap.) I've decided I need to stop worrying.

If they were not here, as it was always going to be, I likely would just be carrying on.  I decided when talking to Ryan, who asked me to "Search your feelings, luke...", that a cesaerean was off the table.  I am a big believer in no unnecessary medical intervention.  In the ICU, you'll get the most medical tubes and monitors and what not possible.  I've seen the extreme, and yes, it is necessary and life saving.  I believe in vaccines and medications.  The medical advancements we have are a blessing (though sometimes a curse too).

However, on the flip side, I believe in health.  All too often people have something wrong and they just want a pill to fix it.  Then they're taking pills to fix the side effects of pills and soon they have 32 listed "home medications" on their History and Physical (that's a real number I counted on a patient just last week).  When a lot more conscienscious diet and exercise, along with psycological therapy and family support would knock those down to a few.  When I'm 60, I'll likely be like my grandpa was.  No medications.  He said the doctors would try to prescribe him things and he'd say, thank you very much, and never fill or take them.  Okay, that seems really really extreme.  If I were diabetic, you better believe I'd be checking my glucose and treating my sugars really well.  If I had high cholesterol at an age over 50, and someone wanted to put me on a statin.  I'd say thanks, but no thanks.  If I had chrone's or Ulcerative Cholitis,  I'd be on steroids. These are all my own opinions, I'd never recommend the same for others.  I just know what side effects I think are worth it and others I think are not.  And in what situations I'd say no medicine what ones I would say yes.  (Like with the statins... if I had wicked high cholesterol at an age when most people don't, I'd take the statin.)

All this is just to say that I think having a baby is normal and not to be messed with if you can help it.  If everything is being monitored and you're fine and healthy, then lets treat it like any other time of your life.  I still work 12 hour shifts, I get more tired, but whatever.  It's also why I picked the Midwives instead of a doctor.  This go around they actually let me visit about half as much as I did the first time.  The first pregnancy was totally healthy, normal, and only ended a little wacky.  So I saw them only every 7 weeks until these last few months.  It was heavenly!  It's interesting to talk to other people used to the way OB's do it.  "You only had ONE ultrasound?  They've never checked your cervix??"  I had a co-worker "wish upon me" that I had to have a section so I could just happily pain free lay there while the baby was removed from my body by no work of my own.

Which brings me to my next reason for not wanting a cesarean:  I've been planning and practicing and researching for months... actually since this baby's conception I've been planning a "natural" childbirth.  Yup, no drugs.  In fact, I've signed a waiver for a water birth.  If I opt for a c-section, I will forever have to have c-sections.  After two, they don't let you try again.  I will always wonder how it could have been instead.  I will always wonder if I could have gone all the way natural.  I know I would always regret it.

So although I'd love for my in-laws to be able to meet the baby before next July when we plan to visit them in Alaska, I just can't do it.

When you're pregnant, people are always spouting off all sorts of stuff to you.  Birth stories, friend's birth stories, ideas about going natural vs. having an epidural.  I've found I'm surrounded by a generous mix of people with opinions on every side of the scale.  I've got friends who have gone natural, and friends that think I'm insane.  My own mother worries about my choice for a VBAC and finds it stressful enough she doesn't want to be there to witness it!  (The midwife!  Though after my emergency c-section for Malcolm, and Denali not wanting to breath after her delivery, I think she's found watching her grandbabies be born more stressful than she ever thought she would. We haven't exactly been easy on her.) (An extra kudos to her for her ability to not show it at the time though.  She was a great support for me as Ryan was an absolute stone--thinking I was going to die.  And Laura had no idea that Denali left the room to the NICU absolutely blue with all us medical people in the room freaking out inside.  She's got skills, that mom of mine.)  Uh.... huge tangent there... What was I saying?  Oh... That part of my stressing about this has been from being able to see all sides and everyone making good points.

However,  I've decided that what comes will come.  This baby won't be in there forever, and this weekend isn't about the baby anyway.  Perhaps that's why she's staying put (that, and she's not actually due until Monday).  Because now is a time for Ryan's family to mourn and celebrate the life of their most beloved mother and grandmother.  They never would have been here otherwise, and though it would have been convenient,  it's not the point.  We'll enjoy them here and the visit we wouldn't have had.  It's not like they're without a grand child to see.  Besides, in July this little babe will be much more like a human and less like a baked potato that lays there unaware.

I have expressed a lot of opinions and rambled a lot during this post.  but my brain was full, and I thought I'd share my feelings on babies, medicine, and whatever else.  If you've made it this far, thanks!  Here's to a healthy baby and a happy birth whenever it shall be!












Why go natural?:
 I only ever saw labors and births during my nursing school clinicals that were women with epidurals.  They'd come in, and seem only mildy distressed before getting their epidural.  No writhing or screaming or anything like the movies.  Yeah, they were uncomfortable, some of them complained more than others, but I found myself thinking, "you need one already?"  Outside perception of pain is always lousy though--so I can't discount their pain.  After their epidural they would have dead legs and spend their labor just laying there.  They'd watch tv, nap, whatever.  But they just lay there.  Then someone would come in and say it was time to push and it took them several "practice" pushes to even be able to sort of tell what they were supposed to be doing.
I can see the appeal.  You just watch a movie through your labor, then work hard for a little while, then have a baby!  Yay! I'm not trying to sound condescending to those who's labors went this way.  I myself got an epidural after 10 hours of none with Malcolm and just layed there, exhausted from my previous work.  I just needed a rest and was greatful for it.  I'm not anti-epidural, go for it!  I still cried after the births I saw, epidural or not, it's beautiful to witness people become parents.
What I decided I wanted after watching these experiences, was to be an active participant through the whole labor.  I'm not scared of needles or worry that drugs inserted in to my spine will hurt me or my baby.  I just want to be a part of it.  I don't want to be chained to a monitor and bed unable to move or feel what's happening.
That's why I want to go natural.

I hate to have to put a disclaimer on here, but people like to get up in arms about everything these days. So-- however you choose or have chosen to have your babies is great!  I do not think less of you, and never will.  Just like all medical decisions, it is yours and I will always be your advocate for what you choose!  I'm being silly to even think that any one will even care about my opinion anyway, but tones can be misread.  Remember, this blog is really for my own records and sort of therapizing of my thoughts.

Baby Bump comparison

I wasn't as good making sure I took pictures this go round.  Sorry second baby!  I think it's always every kid's fate besides the first.  I only have 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 30 weeks, and 38 weeks for baby #2.  When comparing, I'd say I'm actually smaller this time.  I have been measuring smaller than I did with Malcolm, and I've gained a good 15 lbs less.  Thank goodness.  Maybe we'll have a good chance of no cesarean this time!

Baby #2 

Malcolm

Pictures in December

These are pictures I uploaded off my phone.  I realized I haden't uploaded my pictures since before December!  There were way too many on there, and I couldn't even load my "Labor Playlist" onto my phone.  So here's some flashbacks from the months previous.  (76 of them to be exact...)

One time we went to Ihop and Mal put his menu on his head.

We spent a day up at Park City and Malcolm was starting to fall asleep in the car.  Ryan told him to put his hat over his eyes and just go to sleep.  So... he did!

in Park City.  We had to take turns looking at things while the other chased Mal around.

Ryan, before his first Utah Voices choir performance in his tux.

This nativity ended up all over the house.  Still haven't found baby Jesus actually...

Little baby Asher.  

Our last walk on the parkway with Laura and Denali before they  moved.

Not really sure... He just likes to be naked after his baths, and likes to be the one to crack the eggs before we eat them.

all decorated for Christmas!

Eating apples

One Sunday, laura asked Denali if she wanted to hold the baby.  She was totally excited and did awesome!  She'll be a good big sister soon.

Malcolm putting his car to bed.

Back when we went to Temple Square and ate Sushi with the Ovesons

Fell asleep in the car with his tractor in his mouth!

Some random day.  My hair was so long!

Malcolm came to me with his play dishes and asked if he could have some food on it.  When I asked what he wanted, he said "Some apples."  It was too cute to say no to.

I remember this day, he had 4 breakfast foods already on his tray and was still asking for others.  

We were in Layton to celebrate MiQuelle's graduation with her bachelor's in nursing.  We stopped by the Layton park and saw the Christmas light display on our way home.  Malcolm talked about it for weeks after.
 

This is after I got my hair cut.  The hair dresser dried it for me and it was the frizziest I have ever had it.  I felt silly all day until we went swimming for Jared and Vo's birthday later.

Speaking of Jared and Vo's birthday....

This was the first day Malcolm insisted on sitting at the table instead of his highchair.  Since then he's moved completely to this spot.  He won't sit in the high chair.  We bought him a booster, and he won't do that either.  I sure miss those highchair days.  Less reminding him to sit instead of stand on the chair all through meals.

These next one's are from my baby "sprinkle" thrown my Laura. 

Lots of pink!

This blanket and pillow combo were a gift for baby, Malcolm thought it was cool, and has claimed it for himself!

It seemed one day that all that Denali and Malcolm wanted to do was make giant messes.  So I got out some oatmeal, boxed them into the kitchen, and let them go to town.

The day the Titensor's moved out, we watched Denali that evening for them.  I don't remember what they had going on.  She and Mal had fun coloring together.

 After being inside all day for days and days, Malcolm and I went outside on the snowy patio for a little while.

We got a new dresser from Ikea.  Of course you have to put them together yourself.  Malcolm tried to help with his own hammer.

My Sunday before Christmas outfit.

Malcolm fell asleep on the way to the VanDenBerg's on Christmas Eve, with his book on his face. ha!

 The piles of treats that were given to us on Christmas eve by the families of patients in the unit.  We ate so much junk!

 

The many many Lightning McQueens Malcolm got for Christmas, and some he already had.  

The aftermath of Christmas.

Just my cute boys after church on day.

Malcolm aid he had a party hat.

New Year's eve.  I worked half a night shift, but was there for midnight.  So I brought some sparkling cider and glasses.  We had some fun being festive. 

 Malcolm's second haircut didn't go as smoothly as his first.  He cried and cried about the cape.  But it was successful and he was fine afterward.

Malcolm napping on his big boy bed.  He has since mostly given up naps, which makes me sad.  He'll still have "quiet time" in his room, but he always ends up so tired by the end of the day.  He often crashes at late times of the day, like 5 or 6, during car rides and things.  

Cat attack!

Downton Abby festive dinner for the first episode! (We ate british food.  Though likely not anything they would serve at Downton.)

"Take a pichur of me a Daddy's hat!"

Painted the nails on my swollen feet while Malcolm took a bath.

Malcolm's favorite new activity is peeling mandarin oranges and then not eating them.

Mal and Afro on the floor.

Picked out the "home from the hospital" outfit, and got out all the newborn baby stuff.

We had a play date with Denali, Laura, and Grandma for lunch and shopping.  These kiddos miss each other lots I think.

We borrowed this puzzle from the neighbor's when Malcolm wanted to do it just when it was time to leave.  He ended up with it pretty much memorized.  See?  He could do it upside down!

Just us, ready for church.

Malcolm kisses.

Doing that same puzzle for the 100th time.  We apparently need to get some more puzzles for this kiddo.

The weather has been nice.  Clear and sunny and warm.  We finally got to outside for some walks and things.  These pictures all look like they're from the same day, I'm sure.  Since Malcolm wears his same coat all the time.  

Here's a good example of Mal crashing late in the day.  We picked up Daddy at 5pm and Mal fell asleep on the 10 minutes drive home.  He just crashed on the couch afterward and remained dead asleep for almost an hour until we made him wake up for dinner.