obesity was never my choice

you think i like the way i look? i have been like this all my life and i've been trying like crazy to be normal in the eyes of the world...

i hate being fat... and i hate those who call me fat even more...

you think i like being poked fun of since the day i started school? it has been a whole life of rejection. i know God doesn't look at the outward appearance, but the heart. but he has also surrounded me with asses who make insensitive comments that i find it hard to always turn a deaf ear to...

don't judge me... and if you are think i'm immature for airing my frustrations, i won't be surprised if you are one of the hypocrites from the church.

what i told georgie

This mail was sent via facebook, on the evening of Sunday, 8 May 2011. What's here was what I sent George Yeo, word for word exactly.

Note: it was sent before his plans to step out of politics.

Dear Mr Yeo,


I’m sorry for your loss last night. It is also a loss for Singapore. I’m 24 this year, a first time voter, and also a resident in Aljunied GRC. Most of my peers and even my juniors are very sad to see you go, as you have always taken the effort to reach out to the youth in Singapore even though it is not part of your portfolio as the minister for foreign affairs. We really appreciate it. I’ve read Tom Plate’s (a professor for journalism in UCLA) book and he described you as “one of modern diplomacy’s brightest minds”, which I agree. But if there was one thing that I thought you could have done better was to keep Singaporeans more up to date on the Ionescu incident as many of us feel a deep sense of injustice about it.


The video you posted on fb really touched me, even though my decision was made a long time ago. Please continue to be a voice for the youths. Youth issues are hardly addressed by the parliament, nor Dr Balakrishnan. At most, only issues regarding youths-at-risk are mentioned. ‘Average’ youths are often left out.


For one, we would like to have more access to ‘alternative’ career paths, e.g. music. For example, ever since the pioneer batch of students from the Yong Siew Toh Conservatory of Music graduated, less than a handful are in the Singapore Symphony Orchestra. I was once in the Singapore Youth Orchestra (albeit in the ‘reserves’) and there was this fellow trumpeter about 4 years my senior, whom we regarded as the country’s best. But upon graduation from the conservatory, he ended up with an admin job in the National Arts Council. I do not know him personally but I think it’s a great pity for someone of his talent and ability with the trumpet to not be in Singapore’s only professional orchestra, which of course is made up mostly of foreigners. I say we should stop losing our local talents to other orchestras.


Another issue is the soaring property prices. I know it has been hot on everybody’s lips but not many realise that it is one major deterring factor preventing young couples from settling down.


Please stay in Aljunied GRC and continue to serve us. On another note, I know you do your rounds here, but I for one haven’t seen you personally. I’ve stayed here since I was one, which means I was here since Cheng San. Help us, the younger generation. Give future first-time voters the reason to vote you back into the parliament.


Thanks for serving my community all these years, and I certainly hope that you’ll be back.




Cheers and God bless you,

Yufan

what to do, what to do??

But there's still lots to be done...

So, from now til 25 June

Errands

1. Send my macbook for repair...

My old macbook has been down for a year... Really can't procrastinate any longer... Gotta get it done

2. Get a haircut

Just a few snips to the fringe and back

3. Alter my 'new' clothes

I have two pairs of pants that needs alteration, along w/ two shirts...

= 4 new pieces of clothing!

4. Buy a new pair of checkered pants

My fav pair of checkered pants have burst for the last time... :(

5. Get a new pair of shoes...

The two pairs of plimsolls i always wear are giving way...

6. Buy hair conditioner and mouthwash

Activities

1. Piano

2. Learn Korean

3. GYM GYM GYM!!!

Gotta look good in Korea

4. FOC seniors' camp!!!

My first camp in NTU!!

Other things

1. Watch lotsa movies... E.g. x-men: first class, KF Panda 2, Super 8

2. Finish at least two of my PS3 games...

3. Hang out w/ me friends

4. Hope to go Universal Studios

5. Catch on some good reading. E.g. my kazuo ishiguro novels that are collecting dust

rather angry

I'd rather be angry than to be afraid...

Having been dogged by fear for almost, all the time, life get's very miserable when I feel so lousy about myself... I'm not saying that I feel awesome about myself now, but I think it's easier to manage fear by choosing to be angry instead, by placing blame on something or someone else...

Perhaps I'm just not meant to be the sociable kind...

Almost in Love

The past couple of weeks have been terrible...

But do you know that this week is the first time for dunno how long that i've attended school every day? And do you know that to me, this is like my greatest achievement so far in 2011? Nope, you won't understand. Nobody will...

Do you think I enjoy avoiding you or anybody?

Please stop trying to act like you understand... you never did... All you guys want is for me to be present at those meetings, which now, to me, are nothing but like lectures and tutorials...

Do you know how it feels like to feel so close to living out a dream, to fall in love, only to realise that it was nothing but an illusion, or worse, delusional? It sucks to be almost in love...

And yesterday, while playing the tunes from the phone on my car, i heard this song, 'Almost Lover'... So much of it means so much to me...

..........

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

gym freak

today, i went down to the gym twice.. once during lunchtime for a 3km run and once at 8pm for boxing and weights... if i keep this up, i should be losing weight right?? i hope so!!!

and i'll be joining some dragon boat club too...

if after all this i still can't lose weight, i think i will jump... on the spot!

i ♥ hitgirl!!

ain't she cute?? i think she's definitely prettier than emma watson too!

sch start liaoz

man... i can't believe i've gone for all my lessons so far... do you know that it's a miracle?!?!

I really thank God for this man!! Now, just to work hard and pull my GPA up for this sem...

And hopefully, off to Japan for gss this june!!

revival is here!

Ok not spiritually but for this blog...

if all teachers could be this fun...

If you do not know by now, i'm a closet fanboy of TVXQ...! Hur hurr.

And today, I experienced something really fun and amusing in my Japanese language class this evening. One of the new words that were taught today was どうして (doushite, 'why' in Japanese), and immediately, i thought about TVXQ's song which goes どうして、きみをすきにたってしまったんだろう？ (doushite kimi wo suki ni natteshima tandarou?, which means 'why have i fallen in love with you?')

And out of the blue, right after she mentioned doushite, she started belting out that line immediately, and just like a reflex action, I continued the rest of the song with her while the rest of the class gawked at me! I was like a kid in a candy store!

The best part was that she told me that JYJ, the new group that's birthed from the split of TVXQ, is coming to Singapore next weekend and i just pre-ordered tickets for their concert!!

But i just wanna say that my jap teacher is a really nice lady... she is really encouraging in our interest in the language and the best part is that i don't pay her $240 a month to get despised by her, unlike.............

newaez, watch the mv, it's a really nice song ;)

Media Ownership in China

I did an 'essay' for my comparative press systems course and I tot it's good to share it here. Cheggidout...

FACTS

Media in China is largely, if not almost completely, state-owned. Media organisations in China are made to comply with the Communist Party as the power to hire and fire managers and top officials in the media industry lies in their hands (Esarey 2006). In that sense, media in China is also party-owned.

However, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) has also indicated it’s intentions for the country’s media to become commercialised (Wang and Ang 2010). The first sign of change came in 1978, after the end of China’s Cultural Revolution, when operation of the media became commercialised and was no longer in the hands of governmental administration. Subsequently in 2001 (on the eve of China’s entry into WTO) and 2003, the film and publishing industry and branches of circulation and advertising came under private ownership. Content production, editing and news gathering still remain under state ownership.

Media in China is regulated by government bodies, namely the Central Propaganda Department, the General Adminstration of Press and Publication, and the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT)

Major players in the Chinese media industry include Xinhua, China Central Television (CCTV), and People’s Daily. I shall give a few more examples of media outlets in China.

Broadcasting & Cable TV
CCTV and provincial television networks are government owned and are largely funded by tax revenue (Datamonitor 2010). Therefore, they do not compete for revenue from end users, in the form of subscriptions, but for viewing figures, which translates into advertising revenue.

1. CCTV
Owned by SARFT, has a network of 19 television channels.

2. China News Service
State owned, second largest news agency in China (Datamonitor 2010). Also does radio broadcasting and online publishing.

3. Xinhua
Official press agency of the country. Owned by the State-owned Assets Supervision and Administration Commission of the State Council (SASAC), and is the largest news agency in China. As government funding has been reduced over the years, Xinhua is becoming increasingly reliant on public relations, construction and information services for funding (Datamonitor 2010). It is also listed on the NASDAQ and Tokyo Stock Exchange. Xinhua also does radio broadcasting and online publishing

4. Phoenix Satellite Television
Phoenix is a public limited holding company based in Hong Kong. Its major shareholders include Murdoch’s News Corp and Today’s Asia Limited (Datamonitor 2010). Phoenix enjoys good relations with the SARFT, thus it is ‘one of the few privately owned broadcasting companies in mainland China able to broadcast information about events not covered by the government media’ (Wikipedia 2010).

Newspapers
Newspaper publishers generate revenue mainly from advertising sales and copy sales. Print newspapers also have content available online now (Datamonitor 2010).

1. Xinhua
Publishes more than 30 newspapers and magazines (Datamonitor 2010). Please see above for more information on Xinhua.

2. Shenzhen Press Group

3. Southern Media Group
Official paper of the Guangdong Communist Party

4. People’s Daily
Owned by the Central Committee of the CCP.

Observations

China’s press system and media ownership is in stark contrast to that of the Western society, and the key difference lies in censorship. To westerners and citizens of any country that proclaims democracy as their style of governance, the media plays the role of the social watchdog. Government policies, government officials, foreign relations and local happenings are all scrutinised by the media and placed under the eye of the public. In China however, the ruling Communist Party exercises strict control over public opinion and has the authority to label certain subjects as off-topic to its people (He 2004).

In 2010′s index of press freedom by Reporters without Borders, China is ranked a lowly 168 out of 175 nations. Within this year, one journalist was killed, 30 others and 76 netizens were imprisoned. (Reporters without Borders 2010)

As the CCP has monopolistic rule over China, it has committed itself to the Marxist-Leninist-Maoist emphasis on the hold of the press as an instrument for public education, propaganda and mass mobilization (PressReference.com 2010). Thus, the idea of having the media as an outlet for the people to influence policies has no place in the CCP.

How is this control on the media exercised? The fundamental mean for forcing media organizations to abide by CCP wishes is the ‘vertically organised nomenklatura’ system of appointments, which grants the party power to hire and fire managers, editors and various personnel in the media industry (Esarey 2006). Propaganda circulars are also distributed by the Central Propaganda Department to instruct journalists on what should or should not appear in news reports. Such circulars also shows the informal manner of media policy-making manner by the CCP (PressReference.com 2010).

Moreover, journalists are paid by the kind of content produced. If their reports are favourable to the CCP, they will receive higher bonuses. Basic wages for journalists in China are generally very low, and acquiring the bonuses are essential for their own survival (Esarey 2006). Thus for the sake of job security, editors and writers will often forgo objectivity in their reports to curry favour the party. In addition to that, membership into the party will also increase chances for promotions.

It is also set in stone that mainland China’s media cannot be privately funded, thus rendering all private investments as illegal (He 2004). Article 3 of Decree No. 343 in the media law of China states that ‘Publishing shall adhere to the principle of serving the people and socialism, and shall continue to be guided by Marxism-Leninism, Mao Zedong Thought, and Deng Xiaoping Theory’ (CPJ 2008). This makes it impossible for companies, both local and foreign to try to break the CCP’s grip on information flow and tear down the great wall of censorship in China.

With the current system of state-owned media in place, it is unlikely that the mainstream media will serve its role as a watchdog anytime in the near future.

Even with the emergence of Internet and blogging, the picture of the future may not be as rosy as what many may believe. In the hands of the CCP lies one of the world’s largest and most sophisticated Internet filtering systems. One must understand that physical access to the Internet is tightly controlled by the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology, and is provided by eight state-owned Internet service providers (OpenNetInitiative 2009). Sensitive keywords like Tiananmen or Falungong are blocked out in search engines and even prevented from being used in public forums (He 2004).

So far, the authorities have done a relatively good job in doing their balancing act by preventing any political uprising stemming from the Internet and at the same time allowing the Internet to be used as a tool for business, entertainment, education and information exchange (MacKinnon 2008).

One media outlet that seems to be bucking the trend of strict censorship by the CCP is Phoenix Television. Phoenix is headed by CEO Liu Changle, a former colonel in the People’s Liberation Army. Liu is vastly experienced of what Beijing will allow in news coverage, and together with his guanxi with the CCP, made Phoenix into an innovative news channel that is similar in terms of style of reporting to Western media like CNN (Borton 2004). When SARS took place in 2003, CCTV avoided covering too much of it to save the CCP from embarrassment, but Phoenix took the chance, reported on it extensively, and showed the world and the people of China what it can offer.

What does the future of media ownership in China hold? One thing for sure is that Beijing is planning to pump in billions of dollars over the next few years to restructure its media industry, and commercialising sectors of it (Barboza 2009). But total privatisation of it may have to wait. In a speech by President Hu Jintao in June 2008, a month before the Beijing Olympics, he urged existing press agencies to increase transparency and raise timeliness on breaking public events (Garnaut 2008). That seemed to indicate a nudge for state-owned media outlets to get its act together to prove its competitiveness, and nothing of the sort that would hint at the introduction of private ownership in the future.

Those who take on an anti-communist stand need to understand that the CCP views a privatised media industry as threat to its power and authority in China as it could potential allow people from using it to organise political opposition. As China is playing an ever-increasing role in global economy and politics, and with ever-increasing pressure from the west, it has taken tiny steps towards opening up its media. Perhaps one day, China would be able to even show the world a new system of press ownership.

References

Barboza, D. (2009). China wants its media companies to compete on world stage. The International Herald Tribune: 19.

Borton, J. (2004). “Phoenix TV spreads its wings in China.” Retrieved September 11, 2010, from http://www.atimes.com/atimes/China/FL09Ad01.html.

Committee to Protect Journalists (2008). “Falling Short: Appendix II: Media Law in China.” Retrieved September 14, 2010, from http://www.cpj.org/reports/2008/06/12ii-2.php.

Datamonitor (2010). Broadcasting & Cable TV in China. Industry Profile. Datamonitor, Datamonitor.

Datamonitor (2010). Newspapers in China. Industry Profile. Datamonitor, Datamonitor.

Esarey, A. (2006). “Speak no evil: mass media control in contemporary China.” Freedom At Issue(February): 1-12.

Garnaut, J. (2008). China still in control of most media. Sydney Morning Herald (Australia). Sydney: 20.

He, Q. (2004). Media control in China. Walking The Tightrope. 1: 11-27.

MacKinnon, R. (2008). “Flatter world and thicker walls? Blogs, censorship and civic discourse in China.” Public Choice 134: 31-46.

OpenNetInitiative (2009). “Internet filtering in China.” Retrieved September 11, 2010, from http://opennet.net/research/profiles/china.

PressReference.com (2010). “China press, media, tv, radio, newspapers.” Retrieved September 11, 2010, from http://www.pressreference.com/Be-Co/China.html.

Reporters without Borders (2010). “China”. Retrieved September 14, 2010, from http://en.rsf.org/report-china,57.html.

Wang, G. and P. H. Ang (2010). “The principal-agent problem in Chinese state-owned media.” China Media Research 6(1): 108-117.

Wikipedia (2010). “Phoenix Television.” Retrieved September 12, 2010, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_Television.

i've deleted the 'comment' function of this blog cos i'm sick of 'advice'.

anyway, time doesn't fly and school is finally starting... though i'm pretty sure this week and the next are going to go by real fast...

certificate of participation

i just picked my mom up from school, as there was the NDP NE show and she was there to 'jaga' the school.

on the way home, i told her about this primary sch friend of mine who's going overseas for a year for work and study. then i went on to tell her that how i wish i can go for an exchange too, while thinking about the fact that i was supposed to go UK for an exchange but i botched it up.

somehow my mind wandered off, and then out of the blue, i asked her if she ever talks about me in front of her colleagues. She said she does and she tells them about how good i am with music. Hearing that brought upon me a bittersweet feeling. It's nice to know that she is proud of me. However, it saddens me that I have nothing more for her to boast about to her colleagues. The fact is, when it comes to music, I am crap. (I shall come back to this later)

Mother then told me that I can apply for summer exchange, as it wouldn't be a good idea for me to be abroad on my own for the whole of 5-6 months due to my condition.

I've always felt that my parents think of me as a 没用得孩子, and even though they called me that a few times when I was a little kid and it affected me alot, I've come to realise that it isn't them who think that I am useless, but it's I myself who often place that label upon myself...

In recent months, for reasons I don't know yet, I am surrounded by symbols of my past failures wherever I am... Many things I look at remind me of failed attempts of love and broken dreams... Disappointment is all around. And if you are reading this, you might (JUST MIGHT) be thinking that I should leave it to God and lay it at the altar or something, but guess what, every single time I've done that, the feelings come back sooner than I'd have preferred. And so, to be honest, my faith is waning...

Why is God turning a deaf ear to my prayers? I can't help but think that He has given up on me. I don't want to just suppress my feelings by occupying myself with something like leading a cell group (which I've done before) or participating in something like 40DOF, cos i'll only be escaping my feelings, and that totally isn't what a relationship with God is supposed to be, right?

Back to the fact that I'm crap when it comes to music. I just got my results for the performer's festival, the competition that I took part in, and I got a friggin certificate of participation. While I have no qualms about how badly I might have played, but can you believe it? A certificate of participation for someone who had a dream of pursuing music as a career, then flopped badly while attempting it, then putting on braces to try to forget about it all (so that I can't play my trumpet), then switching to the piano, and then a certificate of participation. It's either a symbol of how low i've fallen, or how so damn lofty my dreams were that i must have been building castles in the air all that while...

All i want now is to achieve something for Mother to be proud about. And yet, even going to school has been a struggle for me...

the hardest thing in life...

i think the hardest things in life are to do what you really love and to say the things you really want to say. that's because there's a possibility that you may end up getting punished for doing either of them. and the damage left by it will most probably last and hurt for a very long time...

perhaps that's why sometimes it seems so much easier to try to feign ignorant to how you feel, and end up choosing something of less importance to chase after, as compared to what your heart truly desires.

and sometimes, when someone else, perhaps someone you know or even a close friend, manages to find what you were looking for but you failed to, you can't help feeling jealous, or perhaps angry. and when you realise that the jealousy and anger turns you into someone else, you can't help but become disgusted with yourself.

you become anxious about life, because you don't know how to face future disappointments; you don't know whether or not to give up your dreams; you don't know whether or not to give up any lingering hope left on life, because you don't know whether or not you can take the next blow which comes in the shape of another disappointment...

i think the bravest people don't simply stare fear in the eye... they push on despite knowing that somewhere along the road, they will fall so badly that it's gonna hurt so darn bad... the bravest people in this world are those who are able go on despite facing bitterness and jealousy, and still keep their hearts open to the ones around them.

that takes lotsa courage, because trying to close up always feel so much easier, even though i know it gets me nowhere...

i remember you... always will...

I remember starting uni life as panicky as everyone else. It seems like no one is gonna take care of you, everything has to be done on my own, and i would definitely not want to jump on a bandwagon just to not feel left out.

During that first few weeks, Cheryl was my closest friend. I would call her up whenever I have free time. during that time, she didn't have lessons as she was about to go to beijing for her exchange, but she still came to school often.

She was also interested in either doing a 2major or a minor in my course, so we did have more than a few common topics to talk about. Moreover, she was often bubbly and chatty, someone who was very approachable.

When she was in beijing, we chatted over msn and skyped a couple of times. I remembered that she bought an external mic for videochatting and the look on her face when i told her that her laptop already has a mic, hur hurr.. At those times, i felt that if i treat Cheryl as my best friend during my times in the university, life ain't gonna be that tough cos of her companionship.

I went through a tough patch during my 2nd semester in the first year, and when I finally made the choice to take a break, cheryl talked to me too, and gave me her support.

we drifted apart when i came back for my next semester. i guess it was that we didn't talk as much as before, or perhaps we were busy with our own stuff in school. that was also the period of time i didn't attend church. I wonder if i had took the initiative to call her up for a chat every once in awhile, things might have turned out different.

I can't remember the last time i really spoke to her. I just remembered that at the start of another new semester, i was struggling with myself again, and the last message i received from her on a sunday night was about meeting for prayer the next day. I ignored it, and i can't help thinking what might have changed if i called her up and be my usual self and go, "hey yo!! wassup, haven't seen you in a long time!!!"

I skipped school for two days straight, and on the afternoon of the second day, i was informed that she has been dead since the last night, after jumping off her apartment. Up til today, I still dunno how to feel about it. Sometimes i'll play her favourite songs and try to cry, but i can't...

Cheryl was more than a friend, she's a sister too; sometimes the older one, sometimes the younger. she was a light to everyone her. Every now and then when i think about her, how she had the courage to take that step off, even when she had so much to live for, made me question about my own pathetic being.

But now, i've finally realise what my response should be in the light of all that had happened, that is i shall strive for the dreams that i've hidden away for quite a short while, and fulfill for Cheryl and myself, and overcome whatever's in my way on the road to fruition. Then perhaps one day I can tell Cheryl that our dreams to be journalists has been fulfilled ;)

what's new?

Bloggin hasn't been far away from my thoughts... It's just that my life has really been boring for the past few weeks, and my mind hasn't been thinking about the stuff that makes good blog material...

So basically, what's up so far? I just had a performance at YMS Arts Centre last Tuesday and it's really cool that so many of my friends came to support ;) Thanks everybody! I think i played kinda well, and my 'cher said that i played 'well', which is already pretty good coming from her.

And next monday is time for STARS already (time to register for courses)! that's fast, and thinking about starting school gets my heart beating kinda fast.

And this friday will be another piano 'performance' which actually is more like a competition. Wish me well yo!

no bpl next season? go american!!

I must start to get used to life w/o live bpl matches... Even if I have the money for mio subscription, I still can't get it cos for some dumbass reason, they don't have mio coverage in hougang.

But fret not, at least we still have american sports and F1 to watch on Starhub! And personally, this is my ranking of my favourite sports to watch on TV:

1. Football
2. Baseball
3. F1
4. NBA

And seriously, baseball is a really fun game to watch. It may look boring, which is what i thought it was at first, but it involves lotsa strategy. Once you go read up on the rules, which is actually kinda confusing, you'll find it really fun to watch it.

what about Ong Teng Cheong?

It is now 4.50am and to be honest, i'm kinda worried that i might oversleep for my piano lesson later. I just watched a few episodes of fullmetal alchemist (very nice!) and was about to turn off the lappie at 3, but decided to check out ST.com. There, I noticed that news on Goh Keng Swee's death still ranked at the top of the list. I also found out that he will be given a state funeral this Sunday (forgive me yo! when i'm not in school, i don't really keep in touch with news that much).

And the subject of a state funeral will always remind me of Ong Teng Cheong. And this question remains in my mind today, why wasn't he given a state funeral.

I have nothing against GKS, cos he ranks alongside LKY in the history of Singapore, and he definitely deserves a state funeral. The question, once again, is why didn't OTC get one? Did he not do his job as a President, which includes protecting our financial reserves, and asking the parliament for info on it?

When Wee Kim Wee was given a state funeral in 2005, someone wrote into ST to ask why wasn't OTC given one too. And PM office's reply was that Singapore is a young nation and state funerals are decided to be given only on a case by case basis. As if that answered the question, lamo...

I may have my bias for OTC cos he pushed for the development of the arts scene in Singapore and the construction of the esplanade, not to mention he plays the piano well too, but he did his job as our President, also as an MP and DPM. And certainly a better DPM than Mah Bow Tan!! (Okay that was personal, but anybody remember Mas Selamat's ninja-like escape? bai ka and can climb out of toilet window...)

And to quote online user Piyopico in mycarforum, "So if MBT die he get state funeral too ? Pui........."

Where are you watching the Champions League final this Sat? - young man

at the house of matthew pan, if he's at home...

Ask me anything

ASK ME ANYTHING

Hey i just found this new toy for blogs... In the little window on the left, you can ask me any question and I will answer it with all truthfulness!! Gotta go, nodding away on my lappie...

Are you more of a talker or more of a listener?

listener... i bottle up my feelings...

Ask me anything

If you were offered the job of U.S. president would you take the job?

no... it's easier to be a critic...

Ask me anything

i wish life was as easy as finding Wally, i wanna meet up my friends!!!

Matthew Pan has finally arrived back in Singapore!!!
**rapturous applause!!**

A year ago, I asked him to go shopping together with me, so we can exchange some fashion tips and advice. And he told me no way cos the idea of two guys going out alone is gay.

And now, he wants me to go shopping with him! and his answer is simply because he's changed... what the heck...

You know, now that it's really the summer break in the official sense, i still can't help but feel the competitiveness in the air... everyone chionging for internships and jobs, or gg overseas to work, and what have we... So, i succumbed to peer pressure and applied for a couple of jobs. first was ma maison, but i turned down their interview when i found out they only pay 5/h... and then i turned down another two recruiting firms upon hearing that hmv has vacancies. So now, i'll be calling HMV tmr morning and arrange for a walk-in interview, hopefully, if there's any vacancy to begin with at all.

Imagine starting work with Bach's harpsichord concertos, Beethoven's piano sonatas, introducing better recordings to customers... yep, that's the life...

and so, that will settle the work section of my brain... the other thing that is actually of utmost urgency and importance is my piano practice!! i only have one month left till the student's concert and I can even play through gymnopedie once!!! I must prac like mad!!! And I still owe my teacher SGD150 for the performers' festival!! argh...

And den I'm supposed to visit my psychiatrist and get him to write a memo to clear that i'm fit to resume my studies.... which has to be done by end of this month!! argh!!!

And then I wanna meet my friends!! e.g. Jang, Jiewei, Wanli, Hwee Min, Reina, xinyi, yuhui, jy, cellies, dhssb, snyto, .....

cool cosplay!!

I came across some pics of cosplayers online, and it looks very very fun!! But i think cosplay is certainly not my game cos of my size... I mean, look at the anime characters, they are all so scrawny, and it seems like only girls look good in those costumes...

Some of them look so like the real deal that I wonder if they are photoshopped images...

And the angmohs mostly look ridiculous, some made really LOL-ed!

So here are the pictures, enjoy... Scroll down for characters from One Piece, Naruto, Final Fantasy (7, 8, 10), Samurai 7, and Saiyuki.

Franky (One Piece)
This one really made me LOL. Besides the face, his body sucks!!!!

Roronoa Zoro (One Piece)

Usopp (One Piece)
Nice nose job!!
PS: don't look at that freak dressed in white behind Usopp...

Monkey D Luffy (One Piece)
Gear second!!

猪八戒 Cho Hakkai (Saiyuki)
I believe this is a lady...

堂三藏 Genjyo Sanzo (Saiyuki)
This is my favourite! The way he looks at the camera, and the cigarette, just like the real deal!! And btw, this anime is really cool, cos it's almost exactly the same as 西游记, just that the characters becoming gun-slinging, meat-eating, credit-card swiping punks ;)

Squall Leonhart (FF8)
Looks like Gackt, doncha think?

Tidus (FF10)

Sephiroth (!!) (FF7)
The biggest and coolest badass of video game history. But this photo looks dubious...

Vincent Valentine FF7
I wonder how they make their hair so video game-like wispy style...

Tifa Lockheart FF7
I was telling a friend it ain't really hard to cosplay Tifa, as long as you have a pretty face and long hair...

Akimichi Chouji and Nara Shikamaru (Naruto)
I think I can only cosplay as Chouji...

Hyuuga Neji (Naruto)
See! I told you only girls look good, even if they cosplay as male characters...

Uzumaki Naruto (Naruto)
She has gotta be the prettiest Naruto on Earth!!

Haruno Sakura (Naruto)

Uchiha Sasuke (Naruto)
Another pretty lady dressed as a male character...

Gaara (Naruto)
I have no idea if this is a guy or girl, but he/she sure looks like Gaara!!

Hyuuga Hinata (Naruto)
The seven samurai from Samurai 7
Apart from the costumes, these guys really look like jokers!! Look at the black dude who's supposed to be Gorobei... He looks more like Shaq O'Neil!! And how the heck is Shichiroji so puny???


Kyuzo (Samurai 7)
This guy/girl looks way better as Kyuzo... In fact, it's as if Kyuzo popped out from the screen!!
Kirara and Komachi (Samurai 7)
Looking cute in their homemade costumes ;)


Oh and the best for the last... The best Tifa FF7 lookalike!!!
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Are you ready???
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Really really ready???
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Careful as this may not be suitable for kids!!!
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This is really rated R21
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Ok enough joking
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And here comes Tifa!!!

my messy room/piano (i love you piany)

The piano is now serving it's primary purpose of filling my dried up soul with colours and vibrance, in my room too...

However, due to spatial limitations, that poor thing has to double or triple up as a table for my scores, a docking station to my macbook, and a place where my parents dump my letters...

But don't worry Piany! I'll love you always...

piano's up

I have two performances coming up!

1. My teacher's concert @ Young Musician's Society Choral Studio (YMS Arts Centre 54 Waterloo Street Singapore 187953) on Tues, 15 Jun at 8pm.

2. SMTA Performer's Festival @ Yong Siew Toh Conservtory of Music Recording Studio (in NUS) on Sat, 26 Jun.

I'll be playing JS Bach's Prelude in C Major BMV 846 and Erik Satie's Gymnopedie No. 1.

So if you are free, or not, please come and support me k?

drink and be merry... NOT...

I just went down to cuscaden for a round of drinks with a couple of pals. It was a pretty good time cos these two friends of mine never fail to amuse me with new things to think about. Many of which makes me question stuff and either reinforces my stand on a certain thing or changes it. It's the former usually.

And so, one of them told me that someone (who's a christian) told him that we shouldn't drink to get tipsy. I didn't really put much thought about it at the point of time but on the way home, it resurfaced in my mind.

First of all, I find that statement that we shouldn't drink to get tipsy rather bizarre. That's based on the assumption that getting tipsy is synonymous with getting high, which doesn't equal getting drunk. If you don't drink to get tipsy, why don't simply you substitute the alcohol with something cheaper and healthier?? Like coke, pepsi, 7-up, or even ice water... And it'd be even lamer to say that it's an adult thing or a guy thing, cos otherwise, it'd make you kinda lame to find your adulthood or manhood in a jug.

And if you ask me whether God allows us to drink, I would definitely say yes. And if you ask me whether God allows us to get tipsy, I would definitely say yes too! Because there are a few instances in the bible, drinking wine is being equated to being merry (e.g. Ecclesiastes 10:19), which is equals to getting high!! But should drinking be a source of happiness, definitely not!!

So to the one who says that we should prevent ourselves from drinking to get tipsy, go fly kite, cos you will be like a vegan who still harbours the desire to eat the meat of a dead animal and thus end up eating mock meat...

pysching up for year '2'

Okay, I'm officially in the 'psyching myself up for school again' mode, again...

To be honest, it's double the scari-ness this time... I'm gonna have to make new friends with the year 2s, who most probably are very close to one another already... and then i'm gonna face com205 again... but all things are possible through God!!

And I most certainly hope I dun get any weird stares from the year 3s...

I was reading fan wenqing's blog, and she blogged about being bullied in school... I found it pretty interesting cos it reminded me of my own pri, sec and JC life... In primary sch, I was pretty much the one being bullied... It was kinda ironic cos my mom's a teacher in my pri school and i thought that i have immunity against the bullies! but there have been times when i got beaten, and on more than one occasion, kids throwing chicken bones unto my plate even though i haven't finished eating my food! and most commonly, i was rejected from playing soccer or bball, most prob cos my mom always catch them for playing... hur hurr... and most memorably, there was this girl who came to me with her 'gang' and demanded me to return her the money i borrowed from her, which is really ridiculous cos I don't even know her, so how could i have borrowed money from her???

And in secondary sch, i sorta became the bully and pai kia, hur hurr... I rmb throwing my classmate's pe shorts into the urinal, and then most commonly, splashing water into occupied cubicles or smashing a wet lump of toilet paper on to the ceiling above it. Oh ya, and also pulling my friends away from the urinal while they are still peeing!!

JC, nothing much happened, cos i seldom went to school anyway haha...

But looking back, i think i was trying to find security in all the wrong places. And esp now in uni, my source of problems is i really can't find security in anything.

But i'm once again reminded that i'm secure in my identity as a child loved by God, and i don't have to fight to be recognised by anybody cos i'm recognised by God in His eyes ;)

no such thing as a wrong sound

Last Friday, I attended a concert by Yo-Yo Ma and his Silk Road Ensemble at the esplanade. I went without expecting anything much really, as I simply knew that that Yo-Yo Ma is the world's most famous cellist and it'd be cool to check him out. I wanted to hear him play some virtuosic tunes and be impressed. However, it turned out that the concert was nothing about him, and more about his ensemble with him as a whole. Nonetheless, I was far from disappointed.

In front of a packed concert hall, the ensemble opened with the Silk Road Suite... it is unlike anything i have heard before. the one thing that intrigued me the most was that they weren't really in tune. however, that made the music sound better actually! it was truly befitting to it's title, sounding like a melting pot of different cultures and nationalities. Oh, did i forget to mention that the ensemble is made of chinese instruments like pipa and sheng, western instruments like the cello and bass, japanese instruments like the shakahuchi and various other indian and other asian instruments.

And somehow, the part about the instruments not being totally in tune made me think alot. You see, and i don't mean to brag, i've been taught by many music teachers before, and a half of them are mediocre i dare say. And in the process of being taught by some of them, every single mistake i made was taken apart and analysed thoroughly, and in the process, the lesson became kinda boring and not much different from a math tuition. And when i make mistakes, they would say stuff like, that's the wrong sound, and it should sound like this or that... I wonder what would they say about the silk road ensemble's intonation then... were they making the 'wrong sound'?

Over the past year, i've been very thankful to be learning from my current piano teacher... one of the things she has taught me that there is never such a thing as a wrong sound... whenever i make a mistake, she'll point out where i should improve but she would then emphasise that what i played wasn't wrong, because they are different sounds for different kinds of music.

Looking back, while learning the trumpet, though largely an enjoyable process, it was often frustrating because my teachers were forcing their ideas upon me, saying that my lip position was wrong, my sound was wrong because it was too bright, etc...

And through this whole process of thinking, I come to realise that when learning music becomes something that is black and white, right or wrong, the joy is taken away from the student. So to all you musicians out there, if you are studying under a teacher right now, don't be too discouraged by your teachers when they say sth like your playing is wrong. And if you are a teacher, don't force your ideas on to your students, but allow them to explore music freely!

fann wong's sister is hot!

i found fann wong's sister, fan wen qing's sister blog.

It's here...

Anyone know how old she is??

a short announcement of sorts

As some of you may know, at this time last year, I was on a semester break as I had was suffering from depression.

This time, the same thing has happened. I have been on a semester break since March. It's really harder to take it this time cos I find myself asking God why is this happening again? Ain't I healed already? And I think it's easy to pick yourself up after a fall, but if you fall down at the same place again, you would wonder if there's really something wrong with you.

I don't have the answer to all my questions. But I just wanna declare that I claim the healing power of Jesus in my life and I choose not to be let down by my circumstance.

So from today on, I'm gonna live out the rest of my 'holiday' with a purpose. To recover and to rediscover my passion for my own life.

So dear friends, if you are one, you can help me out by calling me out cos i'm quite free most of the time and socialising is actually a good treatment for what i am (or was) going through. At the same time, i apologise for 'pangsaying' ppl for the past few mths cos sometimes, it gets really tough to get out of the house or even of my bedroom.

Dattebayo!!

Earlier than the birds and the bees

This morning, I woke up earlier than the birds for a walk in the park! okay technically, i didn't wake up early, but more like i couldn't sleep. So at 5 am, i put on my shoes, took my ipod and set off.

The feeling of solitude, with music playing from the ipod in my shorts, the sounds of nature and the cool air... ahhh, it's a feeling that i've never felt, and surprisingly, it feels good!! and to top it all off, i worked up a good sweat too.

The past 24 hours had been rather interesting. I'm once again reminded that God is real, through an act of kindness that defies human nature.

Just this Thursday morning, I got into another car accident. Let's not get into the topic of me always getting into accidents, but lemme continue my story. I was tailgating this lady driver pretty closely on the expressway and ended hitting her rear bumper when she stepped on her brake. I got out and tried to act 'tough' even though I felt like a kid lost in a shopping mall and told the driver I banged into that it wasn't my fault.

Both of us didn't want to report this to our insurance companies so we decided to meet at a workshop yesterday morning at Kaki Bukit, so that the damage of her car can be assessed and I can pay for the repairs. It was an extremely ulu place, almost like sarimbun camp. I went there by cab cos i was afraid that I would end up lost and arriving late.

I got there, and her husband arrive first as she had to attend to some other stuff. He was very nice to me and we chatted about everything under the sun. At the same time, it felt very awkward because I was thinking that he should be nastier to me and act like some bully cos isn't that the normal treatment you give to someone who crashed into you or your wife's car in Singapore?

And when his wife, the lady driver came later, she was very nice to me and was pretty smiley too!

And that moment, I asked God if He's kidding with me. And guess what, when the mechanics at the workshop assessed the cost of the damage, they told us it would only be $180! As a regular crasher, trust me, this is a steal... Bumpers would usually cost at least $400. I wanted to shout out Halluelujah with a high angle wide shot!!

Guess what, it doesn't end here... After passing them the money, they insisted on giving me a lift to TC (for the prayer meeting)!

God works in strange ways... ;)

is the church able to attract 'normal' ppl????

The cell group had dinner and drinks at Timbre @ Substation tonight, with much thanks to joseph and ewan. And guess what! All of us had some alcohol too. And at the end of it, one of my friends said that Christian friends are usually more boring. I assumed she meant that it's not expected of Christians to hangout in a place like Timbre and yet in a healthy manner.

That made me think quite a lot on the way back.

Would we be able to attract more friends to the Lord if we do more activities that people of this world do and invite them to it, instead of only gathering within the four walls of the church or sitting on the floor in a circle?

I wonder what do pre-believers think about church-goers. Is the church able to attract young people who like to hangout in bars, pubs? In other words, is the church able to attract NORMAL youths??? I intended to express my views discreetly but I can't hold it anymore.

I want to drink once in a while with my friends, hang out in bars. And naturally, have raging hormones and am interested in girls too. But why is it that the church seems to discourage us from these? Did the Bible say we can't drink? Did the Bible say that a couple has to split up because their cell leaders don't approve of their relationship. Oh yar, did I mention that couples in the church have to report the number of hours they spend with each other and on the phone to their pastor?

Is that all normal? Is that all done in the name of attaining 'holiness'?

Help this confused kid...

yf

returning to my long lost first love

I stopped playing my trumpet after putting my braces on in early August last year. That was also the time my 'backslide' started and I stopped attending church since then... And then gradually, cell group too...

I tried picking up my trumpet again but each time I put it down after a few tries, out of frustration. All those years, close to a decade of hard work, gone to the drain cos of the change of the shape of my mouth. The only way was to start from the beginning all over again, with the shape of my lips, breathing exercises, the fundamental basics.

Thus, I took the opportunity to learn a second instrument, the piano... However, the frustrations with the trumpet never went away. I once was good enough to play sonatas and concertos and now, it was all gone...

And i think in a similar way, all the disappointments I've had with God that had been bottled up over the years couldn't be kept in any more and it overflowed uncontrollably into confusion and anger. "Why put me in this school, which i love, yet where I can't handle the stress?" "Why do I feel so lost and w/o a family since csl left?" "how can i possibly receive the messages in the sermon when my mind can't be cleared off all these questions?"

And thus, I escaped for 8 months from the church. But throughout these 8 months, God remained faithful to me, even though i felt as if my mind and body were in constant degradation.

By the end of these 8 months, I have no idea what kinda Lim Yufan have I become... One of no worth to the ppl around him? of no worth to the society?

But my questions were answered on Good Friday. The night before, I picked up my trumpet, and I could play a proper C major scale and even hit the the D note smoothly, a major improvement since the last 8 months, considering how little i practised...

And on Good Friday, I lead the games for our party and it all went well and everyone had fun! God showed me that he is willing to use anybody, no matter in what state of body or mind, to do His work as long as he is willing.

And that was my first step of my journey and getting to know God all over again.

yf

iNew perspective on Lang Lang

I've taken music lessons from musicians from all over the world... Korean, Japanese, Americans, British, Australia and of course here in Singapore... studying voice, trumpet and piano... And no matter to whom of the above i go to advice for, they will tell me to simply be more FREE in my playing/singing.

A few posts ago, I remembered posting about how I don't really like Lang Lang's style of playing. He seems over-vibrant at times, overly immersed into the music, occasionally making weird facial and body expressions and tends to sound too hard on the bass notes at times, thus the some Americans label him "Bang Bang".

My perception of Lang Lang changed when my teacher made me watch 9-year-old piano prodigy Emily Bear. When asked where her music came from, Emily simply said, "It just comes out of my hear. Just comes out from me." and smiles... Watch the video I uploaded below and realise that it's such a joy to watch her express herself on the keys freely, with no sense of self-consciousness, as her fingers make big leaps over the keys with fluid ease...

And I believe it is this child-likeness that Lang Lang still possesses up til this day. As he strikes the first note of a sonata or concerto, he dives in another world that is made up in his childlike imagination and then which is interpreted to the listeners through his playing. It is as if it doesn't matter who he's playing to, obama or some kid who just started the piano, he will play it the same way because he plays well regardless of who is listening to him... He has thrown his self-consciousness away.

When I play the piano, i think of whether my parents think that i'm improving or whether my neighbours are enjoying my playing or frantically trying to find ear plugs. But until I throw my self-consciousness when it comes to music away, i will never be able to paint the picture that it is my heart for my audience to hear:) so now!! my self-consciousness shall be gone!!!

And outside of music, self-consciousness has a far more negative impact on us. It inhibits from being who we truly are. We end up wanting to be like someone else. We end up hating ourselves and forgetting that you are made special just the way you are and you do not have to be following others to gain their approval! Trash the exclusive cliques!! And you shall be free of the pressure to become someone else and finally be free to become the best YOU you can be!!

yf

the amusing side effects of sleeping pills!!

Nope these ain't viagra! They are the sleeping pills I take on some nights... It's a drug called Zolpidem... Just this week, I've been amused by what it can do to my brain! Amnesia, impaired judgment and hallucinations!!

Three days ago, I popped the pills and decided to go to bed. Then, mattpan called me to go his place to watch the Arsenal vs. Barca match... So, against my usually sound judgment, I took my dad's car and drove down to his place. As some of you might know by now, I crashed the car on the way. The weird thing is that, I woke up the next morning with no idea where and how I crashed the car, and I still have no idea about it today!

And guess what, I remembered staying awake the whole night to watch the match but have no idea how Lionel Messi scored his 4 goals against Arsenal!!

Ok that's on impaired judgment and amnesia.

Next, hallucinations!!

Two nights before that accident, and once again after taking the pill, I turned on ps3 and started playing star ocean 4. And even though I knew I was alone in the living room that night, I could see characters from that game sitting on the sofa with me!! and I was chatting with them!!!

so, what's the moral of this story? if you want to get high, buy some of these pills from me!! nah just kidding, not in a million years!!

yf

I look fine, but not fine enough!!

I was about to go down for dinner, then my friend suddenly told me I look DAMN slim last time, and she was only referring to the Japan trip photos!!! Okay, I just received extra motivation to diet and exercise…

Btw, I just recovered from this year’s first (or second, i can’t remember) of gout.

yf

nodame vs. lang lang

I just watched the movie version of Nodame Cantabile. While it was awesome, it also made me realise how hard it was to be objective when it comes to music. In the movie, Nodame played Mozart’s Sonata no. 12 in A. In the cinema, it sounded really good cos I got to see the lovely Nodame portrayed by my favourite Ueno Juri, playing one of my favourite piano sonatas. However, it sounded over-lively at times and towards the end, even sounded kinda like she was banging on the keys and getting too ‘high’, almost sounding like Lang Lang. But, I thought it still sounded awesome cos Nodame seemed so happy!

In case you don’t know, I’m not a big fan of Lang Lang’s style.

However, when the credits were rolling, I saw this line, “All Nodame music performed by Lang Lang”. While in my mind, in made me go “Ahhh, I was right”, I also realised that if I were to hear and know that Lang Lang was playing it instead of Nodame, I wouldn’t have liked it as much. Or was it simply due to the fact that Nodame seems so much more attractive to me than Lang Lang?

yf

today was good. and tmr may be better!

I used to think that if I were to simply occupy myself by doing something meaningful like volunteering right now, I would simply be avoiding the problem at hand. And escapism would be something I would want to avoid.

However, I took a small step out of my box today, and went down to the L&M to help out with coming up with a newsletter.

Is it escapism? It may or may not be. But one thing is for sure, I am reminded that I am empowered by God. For the whole of today, I have not let the fact that I’ll be graduating one year later bog me down.

The problem can never be solved when all I do is to THINK about solutions and staying at home.

I think that’s how anyone, whether a believer of Jesus or not, can find a path to happiness on this planet. That is simply not to be too caught up with your own problems and give your time for a good cause. Because when you show some care, concern and most importantly, love, for the ppl around you and the society, you realise that your problems become less important. That’s because you realise that the world is so much bigger than me, myself, and my problems. Nope, they do not disappear, they still need to be addressed. But those problems will definitely drag you down like quicksand or somesort if you just sit on it and do nothing.

yf

how terry’s affair could have screwed the entire England team, and even more…

All those who have been keeping up with sports would have known about John Terry’s affair with Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend.

While watching the England match against Egypt a few days back, I told mattpan about how this scandal can snowball into a something so big that nobody could have ever imagined, like the fall of the United Kingdom or sth like that haha. You would think that only Bridge and Terry would be affected by it all? I don’t think so…

You see, this was the starting XI that night: Green, Baines, Terry, Upson, Brown, Gerrard, Lampard, Barry, Walcott, Rooney and Defoe.

All except for Defoe were affected by Terry’s sexcapade. And these would be the thoughts of the rest.

Green: My legs are gonna go soft whenever JT passes the ball back to me, cos I know that he definitely ain’t thinking about the game. SHucks, he may even be thinking about my wife!

Leighton Baines: Hey, i’m here just by a string of accidents! Ashley Cole is out settling his divorce, and Bridge is too ashamed to be here, so Capello is making me clear up this mess at the cursed left back role. Heck, I better tell Terry to keep away from my girlfriend.

Terry: I had intended to complete a England WAGs XI but was caught at my first attempt on Bridge’s gf… Shucks man…

Upson: I’m another one here only by chance!! Now that I’m at Wembley, I have no idea what my wife/gf is doing!! I bet Rio is back at home making sure his gf is not up to anything with those Chelsea dudes.

Brown: (mind at blank)

Gerrard: Now that I’m captain for this match, I better make sure that whenever the ref blows for a foul, I run to the him before JT does, so that he does not trample on my authority. I am captain!!

Lampard: JT’s not only my good friend, but I love him very much too. I’m really sad to see him so down… That’s why I missed two sitters in the first half, because I was in no mood to celebrate.

Barry: Team Bridge all the way!!

Walcott: I’m the youngest and most easily influenced. I adore JT acty, and one day, I think I might s*rew Fabregas’ gf.

Rooney: F88k!!! What more must I do to be the captain of England? I must get Gerrard and Rio into some adult club and intoxicate them. Then take some of their pictures and publish it on the tabloids.

And so, most of the team were not even thinking about the match (in the first half at least). All of them were watching every single one of JT’s moves closely, wondering what’s gonna happen to their wives/gfs… Therefore, England goes into WC2010 without their heads in their games, and end up losing all of their qualifying matches.

After that, JT would be labelled a national traitor and exiled to timbucktoo. Chelsea players and fans would go rioting on the streets and the whole of London gets burned down, together with the Emirates stadium, cesc fabregas and Arsene Wenger. Then it goes w/o saying that Man Utd will dominate English football for another couple of decades.

Note: I don’t consider Liverpool as a threat because they are still living in their history.

yf