18 years.
15 more minutes exactly.
sitting here in my hostel room. feeling really lethargic deep down inside. (suspect sleeping 3 plus am for 3 days in a row gives u that effect) yet lightly buoyant somewhere somehow.
i havent slept enough for nights...
hehehe despite having this one free night to myself, FINALLY, after eons, tonight is not the night to sleep early...
i'm pacing around.. looking out the window.. listening to the sounds outside my door, along the corridor.. suddenly there's a heightened sense of things going on around. the night air is colder, the soft echoes of conversation ring in the walls outside..
haha i dont rem ever being so alert while waiting...
the first moment of my birthday, outside of home.
sing a song for me wont u... (:
and another year has gone by.
m a n i c depressive.
bleh i should be sleeping now but today was qt a mad day since i woke up too sigh.
so with all these thoughts flying thr my head i think its going to be quite a long night again.
i dont recall being ever so depressed and irritated at the prospect of a day that would conclude with a fun concert... :S
i'm so fed up with being fed up..
baked shilin a cake with my sis today and the floor girls said it was nice haha. :) i just have to sort out my thinking somewhere. noe that its not too big an issue and pple wont hate me if i make that request.
you know the worse part of an issue has hit u when u keep dwelling on the Ifs.. cos u dunno what else u can do.. but to keep questioning.. what if this didnt happen? what if u hadnt arranged it this way earlier? what if you didnt do this.. what if what if. u just keep going down.
did this personality test that says i'm a melancholic phlegmatic. i agree.. i'm too mp for my own good. keep dwelling on the frustrating, sad stuff.. and i think it drives everyone around me mad.
i hate the fact that i was looking forward to my project mates coming over to my house to rehearse for our presentation on wed... only to now be filled with doubts abt whether it was a wise decision in the first place considering the fact that aca pracs are crucial and i shouldnt have chosen not to hang ard in hall for emergency practices just before the performance.
i need to be able to sleep properly again.
i'm sorry to have made u worry... i guess i just need to vent. and i should be alright after a while on my own. shouldnt have any major problems like go crazy or anything haha. sorry if i sadden u with my posts.
meantime i'll just keep being frustrated with being frustrated. an endless cycle.
i pray for a much better day ahead.. deep down inside i think i believe that the esplanade gig will be a great experience. i just have to survive everything before it and within me.
BREEEEEEEATHE~
last week was a crazy week.. and the crazy-ness spilled into this week. haha. i spent the last hours of my Sunday night and the first few hours of a splendid monday morning (pre-dawn) chionging the geog report.... haha must have been a total of 10 hours in front the comp since yest. my eyes are going! the eyebags are coming!
last week i didnt feel like i slept at all. so tiring i also dun really rem why. started with wed issit? chionging for el project til very late.. got back only in time to prepare inspire supper (fried choc banana popiah!) and in between rush for comm meetings then rush back for supper itself. crazYYY!
haha but its quite fun la. tho i'd much rather which things werent so cramped tog.
dabaoz and me are going to be performing tog for culture nite :)
the super descant soprano and the alto with the ugly falsetto.... sounds like fun lol.
the only substantial non-academic thing i remember doing over the weekend was a one hour driving session over Singapore with my dad in sunday morning.. i'm horribly deprived.
sleep-deprived. i'm quite drained right now. its been a month of sleep ridden with nightmares. and i'm going to complain that my leg although slightly less painful at the bumps.. is still swelling and purple-black. i've turned to eating a lot a lot. which is not helpful at all to my situation. fed up fed up. but what to do?
i just keep praying and praying. sometimes it feels as though its going to be permanent. my sis says i have to WANT to get well then the body will do its own work.. care to measure how long i've been talking to myself about it?....
talking to myself...
i feel... abandoned. where is the effective healing promised? all kinds of things have been slapped onto my ankle.... haha.. sigh. i'm the thirsty frog that just needs to move that silly rock huh?
its my attitude thats lousy huh?
on a side note i'll be singing acapella at the Esplanade Concourse 24 oct evening...:) its open to public i think... come come!
meanwhile i really really need to go out there and live again. and these days i'm terribly sorry for my gloomy countenance and crabby, snappy mood dear friends.. pls trust me when i say its not you who did anything. yup. i also need to go out there and love again.
should get some sleep.
teetering and stumbling along...
Missing MAF.
can u believe it? i never saw the moon ONCE this maf. =(
touted to be the largest in 7 years... besides the fact tt i couldnt literally step out of the house guess the haze made it all the more elusive. haha. so no matter which way i stuck my neck out of the living room window.....it wasnt there. the smell of the air was unforgettably bad that friday night. the kids were crazy screaming like someone was after them with a barang just like every year..setting the whole pavement on fire as they ran. haha. from where i was.. it was still a rather pretty, albeit hazy sight. reminded me of my childhood escapades at the playground.. my fascination with candles and fire.. i dont remember when the obsession stopped, or when my mum stopped telling me to be careful cos I could burn myself easily.
haha how i rem how my p5 classmates had a leetle maf gathering..at Bishan park. lol. the bunch of us practically took over the playground there and chased all the other kids away when we played catching. so fun so fun! as a stupid bossy kid i also had an obsession with catching and murderer (the old-fashioned blindfold one) and pestering every kid until they were willing to play with me. To this day i still cant really understand how i managed both at the same time - the enjoyment of the exhilaration of escaping from the Catcher and the gripping, mortal fear of being chased by a semi-demon and getting caught to be banished.
haha somewhere along the way i discovered the banality of it all and gave up playing.
last saturday's was the second hc maf i have missed. last yr cos econs cramming got the better of me. this year because of a single clumsy move. 6th week and counting.
dang. its gonna be a year more. and i have this feeling that i will feel more like a stranger... less compelled to go somewhat..
and i wont see so many ppl until what's going to feel like an eternity later. a12...beloved lep/huangcheng frens... dear seniors... frens frens frens.
since coming to uni.. i suddenly realised how very tied to providence the growth of your friendships are...that most pple walk into your lives to be cherished... for whatever big or small impact they are going to have on your life..for however certain or uncertain they are of ever crossing paths with you again. thats why i'm thankful for the dining hall uncles who lament to me about the horrible work load, and tells me he wishes i will be able to sing again soon. tutorial classmate who waves goodbye to me from afar and tells me to take care even though we've never spoken much before. the girl from science who ran up to me and asked if i needed help finding a lift. the taxi driver who chats with me on politics and america, and tells me to take care.
and a while ago, the cleaner auntie at hwachong who held my hand and kind of.. told me to study hard and tt she was glad to see me (haha, u guessed it. she's the sometimes scary indian auntie at the right wing).
haha i'm feeling all mushy-sentimental today am i? totally not concerned about impending project report deadlines and the trouble i'll be getting my project mates into for not being able to complete my part of the fieldwork w/o the use of my left foot.
sigh. Reality bites!
haha i better run and be back again next time. :)
ooh wait. hall comms interviews are here! i'm having trouble choosing and weighing how heavy everything might be or not be. really see the truth in this saying given to me by this obs instructor.. There's no moment of absolute certainty. that we just got to make the best decision based on what we have and know. i'm horrible at that. yikes. I'm thinking there's got to be a very simple truth behind everything. yet why do i find it so hard to listen to it? believe sometimes its really gonna help me a lot with my decision-making : Just do what makes you happy.
