Tried to post several stuff but it crashes on me all the time.
Thinking that it was probably cause I have yet to update the app, I searched blogger/ blogspot on app store and nowhere to be found. Oh wells.
Anyway.
Recently had a conversation with someone and it was brought up that it is almost impossible to catch me in a good mood or a non-defeated jia ying mode.
I was really confused.
I didn't think I was like that, or depressed.
Not at this point of time anyway.
I asked people whom I texted almost daily, they didn't think so as well.
If I really was, would my housemates not mention anything at all?
I was shocked, because I thought I was only frustrated at the times where a lot has happened and it was difficult to catch hold of xx.
Not all the time yeah?
But it had me like a venus flytrap and engulfed me whole.
I began to believe it.
I reflected.
Was I really like that?
It is true that I often felt frustrated about work.
But that does not equal to self-defeat right?
I still got to work early despite needing to face a hell lot.
Does that not count as putting up a fight?
Though I have not found my place spiritually here.
I still went to cell whenever I could.
Does that not count as putting in effort?
No matter how I felt, I had to show up, stand up and speak up yeah?
Have I not done so already?
Was it really fair for someone who hasn't been around me physically and hasn't been around to catch up with how I was to say such things about me?
As if things were not bad enough with this conversation that was going south and the fact that I was bleeding.
My roommate decided to prank me the next morning by holding up a cockroach in my face when I woke up.
Evening shift that day was shit.
Two admissions, and a lot of family issue.
Doctors were to put up consents themselves when I only needed to make sure things were in place.
But no, I was blamed for not putting up a consent??
Which I needed to go through a grueling process just for something someone else was supposed to be responsible of.
And more complaints from family for something that wasn't me.
The morning shift after was a nightmare.
It was a personal record of five discharges, two admission and a hell lot of problem.
Fam, I way too close to breaking down.
I really, really could not cope at work this morning.
A procedure scheduled at 0830hrs postponed to 1030hrs (had to face a family member who came down early just for this procedure), a transfer at 0900hrs followed by another at 1000hrs, a discharge at 1130hrs, an admission at 1145hrs, an admission at 1230hrs, a discharge at 1330hrs and another at 1500hrs,
A patient tried to pull out an NJ tube which by the way cost SGD300++ (unsubsidised) to insert.
My colleague and I had to put her on hand mittens and while doing so, my colleague was telling her that missy hasn't eaten, hasn't peed, so please to have mercy on us because if the damned thing was out, it was our fault.
If the colleagues who were there to support and lend a helping hand was already feeling super stressed, what more I?
Also, I had a patient who spiked fever. Doctor needed to take a blood culture.
I explained to her, and she was telling me, missy, I am already so old, I have lost my right arm to bomb from World War, I have already fractured my leg, I just want to die.
My heart could have shattered. Maybe it already did.
Double also, I had a patient who lived alone and had sustained a fall and was only found by the social worker during their weekly visit as they noticed yesterday's meal which was usually delivered by meals on wheels was not taken who then got the police to break the door down.
She had previous admissions where she refused all blood taking and medications and wanted to discharge.
This time she was too drowsy to resist anything.
Received a call from her niece who requested to put her on the line.
Which I then thought was impossible because she could barely speak.
But God proved me wrong when my patient could mutter short, simple words.
What affected me more was that the doctors instructed us to insert nasogastric tube as suggested by speech therapist because her swallowing was really, really bad.
This lady refused everything in her previous admission!
What made them think that she would even want NGT this admission???
I understand that she can't swallow at all.
Still.
What have I become?
Carrying out orders against the patient's will?
I was so flustered before passing over shift when a colleague reminded me to work now, complain later. Cause that's what she does.
Does that not count as putting up a fight?
Though I have not found my place spiritually here.
I still went to cell whenever I could.
Does that not count as putting in effort?
No matter how I felt, I had to show up, stand up and speak up yeah?
Have I not done so already?
Was it really fair for someone who hasn't been around me physically and hasn't been around to catch up with how I was to say such things about me?
As if things were not bad enough with this conversation that was going south and the fact that I was bleeding.
My roommate decided to prank me the next morning by holding up a cockroach in my face when I woke up.
Evening shift that day was shit.
Two admissions, and a lot of family issue.
Doctors were to put up consents themselves when I only needed to make sure things were in place.
But no, I was blamed for not putting up a consent??
Which I needed to go through a grueling process just for something someone else was supposed to be responsible of.
And more complaints from family for something that wasn't me.
The morning shift after was a nightmare.
It was a personal record of five discharges, two admission and a hell lot of problem.
Fam, I way too close to breaking down.
I really, really could not cope at work this morning.
A procedure scheduled at 0830hrs postponed to 1030hrs (had to face a family member who came down early just for this procedure), a transfer at 0900hrs followed by another at 1000hrs, a discharge at 1130hrs, an admission at 1145hrs, an admission at 1230hrs, a discharge at 1330hrs and another at 1500hrs,
A patient tried to pull out an NJ tube which by the way cost SGD300++ (unsubsidised) to insert.
My colleague and I had to put her on hand mittens and while doing so, my colleague was telling her that missy hasn't eaten, hasn't peed, so please to have mercy on us because if the damned thing was out, it was our fault.
If the colleagues who were there to support and lend a helping hand was already feeling super stressed, what more I?
Also, I had a patient who spiked fever. Doctor needed to take a blood culture.
I explained to her, and she was telling me, missy, I am already so old, I have lost my right arm to bomb from World War, I have already fractured my leg, I just want to die.
My heart could have shattered. Maybe it already did.
Double also, I had a patient who lived alone and had sustained a fall and was only found by the social worker during their weekly visit as they noticed yesterday's meal which was usually delivered by meals on wheels was not taken who then got the police to break the door down.
She had previous admissions where she refused all blood taking and medications and wanted to discharge.
This time she was too drowsy to resist anything.
Received a call from her niece who requested to put her on the line.
Which I then thought was impossible because she could barely speak.
But God proved me wrong when my patient could mutter short, simple words.
What affected me more was that the doctors instructed us to insert nasogastric tube as suggested by speech therapist because her swallowing was really, really bad.
This lady refused everything in her previous admission!
What made them think that she would even want NGT this admission???
I understand that she can't swallow at all.
Still.
What have I become?
Carrying out orders against the patient's will?
I was so flustered before passing over shift when a colleague reminded me to work now, complain later. Cause that's what she does.
I was so close to death today, I promise.
By the end of this ordeal, I ended shift 3 hours overtime, not peed for 11 hours, not had a proper meal for more than 24 hours, lost all my stationary.
Tell me now, that I didn't deserve to feel frustrated.
By the end of this ordeal, I ended shift 3 hours overtime, not peed for 11 hours, not had a proper meal for more than 24 hours, lost all my stationary.
Tell me now, that I didn't deserve to feel frustrated.
