LGR

Hello there.
Just when I thought it has been yearsss since my last entry, apparently I've got more recent posts which I left as draft.
Hmm, I wonder why.

You guys know Brandon Ho and Marianne Tan.
I first heard of the lad when I watched TARA (the amazing race Asia) and I'm like hey this dude be pretty chill.
Then I learned of Marianne from Ivan lol.
And when the two sat down together for this podcast, I was intrigued.
I have not heard of what this podcast series was gonna be about.

The first minute in, I kept thinking of Wei Yit and how he mentioned that he'd like to record podcasts of his own. So I forwarded him the link almost instantly, coupled with the motivational shia gif.
Which to date, I still find amusing bahaha.

The first part of the podcast talked about how Marianne was exposed to "pentecostal churches" and her experience with altar calls.
That was the lighter note of the podcast and I'm sure many could relate.
Then it was directed to a more serious tone and I began to develop feelings/ thoughts rather than watch the podcast haha then move on.
I feel slightly trapped because I feel like I do not have someone to turn to share about how I was feeling.
So here I am documenting.

I didn't know she was a Christian. And her experience about how bitter she was towards the religion when her first relationship became sour.
Though I am a second-generation Christian, I was more exposed to different approaches in Christianity when I was in high school.
I did not go through a pleasant experience with my believing peers who were against my then relationship, and I eventually became really bitter about Christians.
To the point where I really assumed that the religion was just a label.

She then shared about how she eventually was brought back to God.
Met Jared, underwent pre-marital counselling, battled against cancer with hubby.

One thing that stuck with me was affirmation.
Gosh, this word.
She talked about how one would know if that person was good for you, was the affirmation from people who you are close to.
Truth be told, this has been something that I have been struggling with for a really, really long time.
Knowing if that person is good for me.
Also, having a support system.
These people prayed with them, proclaimed God over their battles.
Man.

46 minutes and 31 seconds later, I decided to check out their podcast on Spotify and I listened to their trial run.
Brandon was acknowledging that he has been putting off this project and had quite a few concerns.
I probably would have felt the same.
But he said that a major push factor for him to get this done was Phoebe.
I do wish that I would find someone like that.
One who believes in your dreams and encourages you to pursue it.
One whom I can have real meaningful conversations with.
Gosh, how I truly miss heart to heart conversations...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bq_YfbcNDQ

Five Discharges, Two Admission and A Whole Lot More.

Recently found out that there's no longer a phone app for blogger?
Tried to post several stuff but it crashes on me all the time.
Thinking that it was probably cause I have yet to update the app, I searched blogger/ blogspot on app store and nowhere to be found. Oh wells.

Anyway.
Recently had a conversation with someone and it was brought up that it is almost impossible to catch me in a good mood or a non-defeated jia ying mode.
I was really confused.
I didn't think I was like that, or depressed.
Not at this point of time anyway.
I asked people whom I texted almost daily, they didn't think so as well.
If I really was, would my housemates not mention anything at all?
I was shocked, because I thought I was only frustrated at the times where a lot has happened and it was difficult to catch hold of xx.
Not all the time yeah?
But it had me like a venus flytrap and engulfed me whole.
I began to believe it.

I reflected.
Was I really like that?
It is true that I often felt frustrated about work.
But that does not equal to self-defeat right?

I still got to work early despite needing to face a hell lot.
Does that not count as putting up a fight?
Though I have not found my place spiritually here.
I still went to cell whenever I could.
Does that not count as putting in effort?
No matter how I felt, I had to show up, stand up and speak up yeah?
Have I not done so already?
Was it really fair for someone who hasn't been around me physically and hasn't been around to catch up with how I was to say such things about me?

As if things were not bad enough with this conversation that was going south and the fact that I was bleeding.
My roommate decided to prank me the next morning by holding up a cockroach in my face when I woke up.
Evening shift that day was shit.
Two admissions, and a lot of family issue.
Doctors were to put up consents themselves when I only needed to make sure things were in place.
But no, I was blamed for not putting up a consent??
Which I needed to go through a grueling process just for something someone else was supposed to be responsible of.
And more complaints from family for something that wasn't me.

The morning shift after was a nightmare.
It was a personal record of five discharges, two admission and a hell lot of problem.
Fam, I way too close to breaking down.
I really, really could not cope at work this morning.
A procedure scheduled at 0830hrs postponed to 1030hrs (had to face a family member who came down early just for this procedure), a transfer at 0900hrs followed by another at 1000hrs, a discharge at 1130hrs, an admission at 1145hrs, an admission at 1230hrs, a discharge at 1330hrs and another at 1500hrs,

A patient tried to pull out an NJ tube which by the way cost SGD300++ (unsubsidised) to insert.
My colleague and I had to put her on hand mittens and while doing so, my colleague was telling her that missy hasn't eaten, hasn't peed, so please to have mercy on us because if the damned thing was out, it was our fault.
If the colleagues who were there to support and lend a helping hand was already feeling super stressed, what more I?

Also, I had a patient who spiked fever. Doctor needed to take a blood culture.
I explained to her, and she was telling me, missy, I am already so old, I have lost my right arm to bomb from World War, I have already fractured my leg, I just want to die.
My heart could have shattered. Maybe it already did.

Double also, I had a patient who lived alone and had sustained a fall and was only found by the social worker during their weekly visit as they noticed yesterday's meal which was usually delivered by meals on wheels was not taken who then got the police to break the door down.
She had previous admissions where she refused all blood taking and medications and wanted to discharge.
This time she was too drowsy to resist anything.
Received a call from her niece who requested to put her on the line.
Which I then thought was impossible because she could barely speak.
But God proved me wrong when my patient could mutter short, simple words.
What affected me more was that the doctors instructed us to insert nasogastric tube as suggested by speech therapist because her swallowing was really, really bad.
This lady refused everything in her previous admission!
What made them think that she would even want NGT this admission???
I understand that she can't swallow at all.
Still.
What have I become?
Carrying out orders against the patient's will?

I was so flustered before passing over shift when a colleague reminded me to work now, complain later. Cause that's what she does.

I was so close to death today, I promise.
By the end of this ordeal, I ended shift 3 hours overtime, not peed for 11 hours, not had a proper meal for more than 24 hours, lost all my stationary.
Tell me now, that I didn't deserve to feel frustrated.

Goalch, or not?

Brawling to Jess' video for Gabriel led me to think about a couple other things. (Hehehe, couple, get it?)

Love.

How does love look like?
Is it about the way you hold his hand?
Is it about the way you look into his eyes?
Is it about the way you smile when he is around?

How does love sound like?
Is it about the way you laugh whenever he jokes?
Is it about the way you sing a song dedicated to him?
Is it about the way you cry when you need to part?

How does love feel like?
Is it about the way your heart flutters in sight of him?
Is it about the way your hand wraps around his so naturally?
Is it about the way your body warms against his?

How do you know what love is?
Gosh.
One moment it brings you up, the next it drags you down.
What is life without love?

--

Went to MICU today for medication audit.
Scrolled through their patient list.
Randomly selected a bed number.
Suddenly it occured to me,
I know this name.
This name belongs to a patient who was in my ward.
Grumpy as heck.
I often felt frustrated with her.
Cause she complains about you with every move you make.
Subsequently she was a bit nicer, just a bit.
From chairbound to ambulating with walking frame.
She then transferred to YCH for further rehabilitation.

Yet today, she's lying in ICU.
Blood pressure reading flashed across the screen showed 76/52mmHg.
Told my CI regarding my finding.
Oh yeah, did she not reject ICU before?
What happened?

--

Was on night shift earlier on.
Literally 10/10 of my patients were incontinent.
One even shat his bed.
Yesterday, the same guy shat his bed twice and another played with poop. (Universe, you win)
Cubicle 1 were communicative, cubicle 2 were non-communicative.
Made my rounds as usual.
Noticed that my feverish, immobile, non-communicative patient barely slept.
Her face was just so oily. Decided to clean her up a little.
Change her NGT tape. Dab her body with powder.
Maybe making her a bit more comfortable would help her sleep at least a little.
Maybe not.
She didn't look too happy. She looked more frustrated/ annoyed, actually.
Why? I don't get it.
Why do some patients get upset when you need to change them?
Your diapers are soaked. You already have a bed sore. Alamak.
Sorry, I got carried away.
So I couldn't even imagine being in her position.
What emotions does she have?
What thoughts does she have?
Does she still know love?

--

Love isn't always uplifting.
Love can sometimes look like the way you put distance in between you and him.
Love can sometimes sound like the way you rebuke him for what is not right.
Love can sometimes feel like the way your heart sinks in disappointment.
Social media do not always display that.
People are selective with what they want the world to see.
Filters upon filters to cover up blemishes.
But isn't that what love is?
To love the way you hold his hand though at times you put distance in between.
To love the way you laugh whenever he jokes though at times you rebuke him for what is not right.
To love the way your heart flutters in sight of him though at times your heart sinks in disappointment.

Love.
Romantic love. Family love. Friendly love. Stranger love.
I'm sure everybody has a different definition to it.
What is mine?
What is yours?

I have never been practicularly talented in anything, at all.

I can't cook, I can't sow, I can't garden, I can't draw, I can't clap.

But people have told me I have a big heart.

Perhaps that's how I ended up in nursing.

But the transformation from a student nurse in a private hospital to a staff nurse in a government hospital was overwhelming.

That then, becomes my flaw.

There were two contradicting thoughts earlier tonight.

I read about this article about overflowing love.

An half later I thought about how helpless and hopeless the world we live in currently is.

How could we make this world a better place, or maybe to save it?

Save it from self destruction.

But then again, Jesus has already came down to earth to die on the cross for the people living in this world.

Back to this overflowing love.

Reminds me of the song "where the love lasts forever".

At times, I can really feel myself loving these patients.

But this well empties real quick from the scorching heat from various factors.

As the dear pants for the water, so my soul will long for You.

I have been struggling with Him for the longest time.

That's why I love more than my capacity.

So much so that I am the one who needs loving.

At the end, the two supposedly contradicting thoughts became complimenting.

Blessed to be a blessing. 

Was dropped home before curfew and my heart broke into million of pieces.

Another day gone by. Time is ticking and ticking.

It doesn't give a damn that I haven't got to spend any quality time at all.

Minimal time left and yet, and yet, the evil

one refuses to let go its grip on me.

Please, I beg you.

Leave me alone.

Can I please be happy?

Do I not deserve that?

If I don't, just finish me at one go.

There are people out there, who need transplants.

Full of desire to make every second count.

Take.

Negativity.

Why does it need to be so ruthless to me?

Why is it so damaging, that even when I'm "sheltered" in my safehouse, it finds ways to invade?

Stop being such a frequent guest.

You are not welcomed at all.

I have no more strength and courage to battle you by myself.

People by my side are going to leave.

Is it to be a challenge that I may grow or eventually lean towards the one above?

For people often tell me He does not allow situations to happen that are beyond what I can bear?

Then why does it feel so excruciatingly painful?

When can I take the exit road?

D-trix said path two.

I tried.

I failed.

Find me an escape!

Received a message from fellow housemate to clear out all the unnecessary as we usher in 2016.

There is a box I have left at a side, almost untouched for the past one year.

The insides are leftover Chinese New Year cookies.

I know, I know how gross this sounds.

I thought to myself, why?

Why have I not finished them when they were still good?

And now, so much had gone to waste.

But I knew the answer for a very long time.

Because I wanted to keep a piece of home with me.

Momma was always baking.

I wanted to keep momma's cookies with me for as long as I could.

But it tasted disgusting and I could hoard no more.

As I cleared the containers and washed them clean.

Such agony I felt.

To think about how miserable I was being away from home.

Sure the salary is good that I could now afford luxurious belongings and meals.

But that isn't what drives me.

Everyday of work is like going through the gates of Hades.

I could not feel any less empty or lost.

Where is He?

Lord, show me Your directions.

Because right now, my spirit is broken.

Full of hopelessness and despair.

How do I leave when there is lease?

How do I deny myself, take up the cross and follow you?

Spirit, come. Open up heavens door!

Fill Me Up.

One night, I prayed a horrible prayer.

The morning after, I read about TAJ.

The following day, I attended a family conference whereby the doctor had to break the news to relatives that my patient has stage 4 advanced cancer, with estimated 6 months to live.

For two consecutive days now she has been telling me that she wants to die.

Everyday I hold her hands in mine, in hope that our faith would arise together.

My heart has been emptied out.

2326.

Feels like I'm too young to be in the ward.

Got confronted by extremely mean and rude adults for situations beyond my control.

Feels like I'm receiving too much hurt this week.

The two things which comforted me most today was the banana my patient's relative rejected, and a half hug the pharmacist thought I deserved for dealing with such nasty circumstances.

It has been really long since i have a genuine, warm hug.

Losing sense of who I really am anymore.