Since I've come on home, well my body's been a mess and I've missed your ginger hair and the way you like to dress.

As difficult as this may be for you to digest, I don't care about you. If I ever ask about you, it's probably just out of curiosity, not because I give a damn about your feelings. Don't think for a second that I could care about you again. Wake up sweetheart. Not everything is about you.

You're trapped, aren't you? Trapped, caught up in all your drama. Don't you wish you could take everything back now? You look like you're drowning in all your lies. Pity, there's no one to come and save you now. Looks like you're all alone this time.

I need coffee and sleep and more coffee and lots and lots of sleep. I'm just so tired all the time.

"I don't mind things bitter," you said, and I wouldn't doubt that. You're bitter. You always have been, and I guess we would know that best. You took it out on us. Did you forget it would make us bitter too?

No one is ever proud of me. It sounds unusual, I suppose but there it is. I'm weird, cynical, I say all the wrong things at the wrong times, I'm inappropriate, impatient, moody, impulsive and not in the least what people want. Not quiet, not sweet, not completely conservative, not completely girly and definitely not the kind of person anyone would be proud of. I'm neither here nor there, always the outsider because I don't completely fit in anywhere. No guy is going to rush to hold my hand in public or tell the world about me, no mother is going to show me off to her friends and no one is going to jump up and down to keep me. I'm never important enough to matter completely to anyone, always the outsider. It would be nice to know what it feels like to fit in somewhere one day. It would be nice to know what it feels like to be wanted. I never fit in anywhere and it's getting lonely.

I don't think there's ever going to be a time when I stop being angry. Maybe just not completely.

And don't you know? I love you so.

People have a lot of quotes about trust. They compare it to mirrors and paper, once it's gone, broken, crumpled, it will never be the same again. That, in some ways is true and in other ways, isn't. Some people are instantly forgiving. They always just see the good in everyone. They forgive and forget and trust again so easily. Everything to them is beautiful. And for a few others, trusting anyone at all is trying. Some people are just more cynical, bitter and wary than others. For those kinds of people, trust takes time. It takes time and effort and if they ever do trust, it becomes sacred, because it is something so rare. Break their trust, and not only do you lose them forever, you destroy a little part of them as well. Because you just proved the one thing they hate to face : people are untrustworthy and disappointing. I am not angry at what you've done or the things you've said. I'm angry that I let myself think for even a second that you could be different from everyone else. I'm angry that I let myself be so blinded by hope, I forgot to get ready for the fall.

Oh can you tell I haven't slept very well since the last time that we spoke? You said, "please understand, if I see you again, don't even say hello".

Knowing it was unreasonable, knowing its root was from a monster spinning horror tales to make people believe the lesser of evils.
Lies, of course, they were lies, vicious lies to keep the control.
How long does it take to shed the fear-skin of childhood?
Do we ever?..

I can't even begin to explain, and I don't think you could ever really understand. You can't imagine what it feels like to be chained in your nightmares where the unspeakable comes for you and the horrifying unthinkable things happen. The fear, the pain, it seems so vivid. So vivid you almost can't breathe. So vivid that even when it's over, the dregs of it still stain the edges of your mind. The images don't go away. They're always just there.

God I so want this I swear asdfghjkl

You got so caught up in your own selfish wants, you forgot about everything else. You won't deny it, will you? It's true. You act like it's you against the world, but all it is, is you against yourself. It always has been, you were just too blind to see it.

You say the same things you've said so many times already before and I wish I could believe you this time.

And it kicks so hard it breaks your bones, cuts so deep it hits your soul, tears your skin and makes your blood flow.

I don't care why you're leaving, you'll miss me when you're gone.

Baby, you're so complex.

More often than is right, I like silence. I like being alone. Some days I just like coming home to nothingness. Some days, I like being able to sit in silence with nothing but my thoughts. Some days, I just need the quiet.

I don't believe that time completely heals anything but I will believe that it numbs. Things that used to matter, won't anymore and things that used to hurt just cease to bother you. I guess that's the way it work isn't it?

Sometimes you do the sweetest things and you make me smile so much it makes my face hurt and my heart feels so full and overwhelmed and content. You make me so happy.

Empty. Still empty. I guess it's just always been, and always will be empty.

If that is all you remember, if that is all you choose to remember, let it go. Let it burn, let it burn, let it go. I don't want you to remember anything unless they were the good times. Let it go. Because there was more good than bad. You should know that.

"Studying" at mac, playing on the swings, and the seesaws, getting piggyback rides, dancing our way to destinations and kissing under the stars. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I'm disappointed at how terribly transparent you are. Anyone can see right through you. You let your guard down too much, eventually you're going to get burned.

And I know you will make it through the night, because you never said goodbye.

"I understand", you say. But you don't. And you probably never will. You never have before. Because understanding would require time and effort and i don't mean enough to you for that.

Will it ever get better?
It better.
Will it ever get better?
It better.
Will it ever get better?
It better.

And we were just kids in love.

"you're not supposed to look back, you're supposed to keep going."

Me : hello!
Indra : YOU NAK MILO AIS?!

When is the last time you thought of me? Or have you completely erased me from your memory? I often think about where I went wrong. The more I do, the less I know. Well i know I have a fickle heart, and a bitterness, and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head, but don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

2nd sister : herp derp I need your help to cut this cardboard for my friend do you have a scissors or something sharp blablabla-
3rd sister ; you're not using my penknife. You'll probably break it.
2nd sister : you have a penknife?!
3rd sister : nooooooo..

2nd sister : omg just now was so much fun my friends are so cool-
3rd sister : you didn't zip your pants-
2nd sister : fuck

How terribly sad and strange we all are.

But you always win, even when I'm right.

We're still here. Not moving forward, not moving back. Here in a place without love. Where it's criticism over comfort, assuming over understanding, anger over kindness and harsh words to a heart that's already been so long broken. Broken. That's what we are. Because you taught us not to love, or be compassionate. You taught us to trust or rely on no one but ourselves. I will not be like you. You've so carefully guarded your heart, you'll never really be happy. I will not live like that. That is no way for anyone to live.

Because these words were never easier for me to say, for her to second guess. So I guess that I can live without you but without you I'll be miserable at best.

“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
― Paulo Coelho

You aren't a monster, you aren't heartless and you aren't cold. Not like I expected you to be. I hate you for that. I hate how I don't hate you. I want to hate you. God knows I want to. I just don't. And I don't know why. You make my heart ache so, and still I don't hate you. I feel more sorry for you than anything else. You must be terribly lonely, to be so closed up and so distant all at the same time.

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't. It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed. Some prayers find an answer, some prayers never know. We're holding on and letting go.

And I've got this black suit on, rolling around like I'm ready for a funeral, five more miles till the road runs out. I'm about to drive in the ocean. I'mma try to swim from something bigger than me. Kick off my shoes, and swim good. Take off this suit, and swim good. Swim good.