it is 3:30pm on a sunday and i have wasted half the day dreading and worrying about going back to work tomorrow. why am i so affected by this job? i hate it to my very core. i wake up every morning chanting to myself, "be positive! be positive! it will be a good day!" but it almost always ends up to be a disaster. i think preferring to be on-call and on nights than on normal days says a lot about this job. chaotic morning ward rounds, running around the hospital like a headless chicken trying to sort this and that out, more ward rounds later in the day, being yelled at by consultants for no apparent reason, and getting no reward/appreciation at the end of it all. yes i've been told many times that i've been thrown into the deep end by starting with this particular job, and that i will come out of it a strong person and ready to face any challenge that comes my way in the future and blablabla, but i ask myself so many times, is it worth it? is it worth all the physical, mental and emotional distress i go through? i saw this coming when i pursued this career. i knew that there are sacrifices which i have to make and that there are times when i would just have to man up and get on with the job. trust me, it seems like i am sucking up every single day and i am getting pretty damn tired of it. i wonder daily whether i made the right choice going into medicine because as of now, i seriously don't care about this job. i don't. i want to quit and do something that is 9-5 (and by 9-5, it really means stepping foot into the workplace at 9 sharp and leaving at 5 sharp). i want to just sit in front of the computer and mindlessly type away. i want to do something where people's lives aren't in my hands and where there are no opportunities for seniors to yell at me. i want to do something where if i have to do a presentation i'd actually understand/care about what i'm presenting and not present stupid papers like "randomized clinical trial comparing simple drainage of anorectal abscess with and without fistula tract treatment". i don't care. i hate this job and i hate everything about surgery.

two more months and i will move on to another job and hopefully be rid of surgery FOREVER. my only worry is that it's not surgery that i hate but medicine as a whole. and by the looks of it, i think that's what it is. i think i hate medicine.

how now?

Dr Swee Leen Tan, MBChB (University of Manchester)

11.07.12.
best day of my life thus far.

25

i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed that i have now hit the quarter-of-a-century mark. i've come a long way, done what i've needed to do so far and am about to embark on an entirely new journey, yet i somehow feel immature. like a child stuck in an adult's body. maybe it has got to do with being home for 2 months now, being pampered and care-free as i was back in the day.

i've thoroughly enjoyed my time under my parents' roof and cannot be thankful enough for being able to come home for such a long period of time, post-medical school, pre-work.

i am also feeling extremely blessed to have celebrated my birthday back home. i don't know when i'll be able to do this again, but at least i was in the presence of my family and closest friends.

so grateful for my dear parents who've been my pillars of strength ever since i was born. i fully appreciate all that they've done and sacrificed for me; even a simple gesture like putting together this small birthday-cum-graduation dinner made me feel so loved. 

i've enjoyed all my birthday celebrations in the past (like this and this), but this one had an extra special meaning to it as i had different people from different phases of my life present. i had my family with me (minus my brother who is in melbourne and couldn't get leave this time of the year), teong rhen my love and his parents, jiang mun who represented the people i grew up with and ho wai who represented my imu friends. my manchester friends are unfortunately back in the UK as they did their elective at a different time, so let's just say they were represented by teong rhen!

i also want to say just how touched i am by these lovely cards sent from my friends from different parts of the world. the giant card was sent all over the UK, from edwina (nottingham) to kwan/joon heng (coventry) to huiling (aberdeen) to ben/mich (dundee) and brought back to malaysia by mich when she came back for her short break. i also received cards from down under - red (adelaide) and tracy (auckland), and from yilin - not quite down under but down south in jb! thanks for the lovely gesture you guys.

of course, many thanks to those who sent personal birthday wishes. you know who you are and that i love you. :)

frankie says relax

home is simply amazing.

i'm currently doing my elective in paediatrics at ipoh GH, and i can tell you that it has exceeded all of my expectations. i know that many have told me that it is by far the best department in the whole hospital, but i am still very impressed. the head of department is without a doubt the BEST doctor i've ever seen in my life. i kid you not. and with all the inspiring doctors i'd crossed paths with in the UK - that says a lot. day after day i am blown away by his sheer passion and thirst to help his patients (and their families), and his neverending quest to improve the local healthcare system.

of course, all work and no play makes swee leen very dull. haha to tell the truth, it's more like lots of play and very little work! i've passed my finals after all, and i very much deserve to have a nice break.

so... i had my annual pilgrimage to penang - this time with tr and away from the city for some sun, sand and sea (mostly sun, though. sand and sea at batu ferringhi are less than ideal). it was a sweet little getaway nonetheless.

we stayed at the Lone Pine Hotel which i highly, highly recommend! it had a nice mixture of colonial and modern feel to it. service was top-notch from check-in till check-out. daily breakfasts were very good, with a lavish spread of asian and western dishes. definitely malaysian hotel breakfast at its best! 

the Super Deluxe Room houses a giant bed, private 'mini lounging pool' (ie bathtub) on the balcony, a separate day lounge room, and don't get me started on the bathroom - very huge and very chic! we were also constantly impressed by the hotel's fine touches and details, such as cocktails on arrival, cupcakes in the room, complimentary flip-flops and good quality teas and coffees! you definitely get what you pay. 

what we did the entire time we were there: lounged and lazed while taking in the sea breeze and listening to the soothing sound of the waves!

:) someone so handsome

sunset

we spent one morning at the Tropical Spice Garden. i'd been here once before with peishern, howai and adrian, all the way back in 2008! geez. so long ago. 

so i suggested that tr and i went there for a leisurely walk and some photography. 

tranquility.

my very cool generasi

reminiscing the good old days. i wouldn't have wanted to grow up any other way :)

ps: done with medical school and home for 3 months before graduation. best time of my life begins now! anyone in malaysia? let's meet up ;)

junior doctors

i've just finished watching this year's BBC's Junior Doctors: Your Life In Their Hands. i've never watched the first season and was not bothered with this season at first, but since everyone was going on about how bad the junior doctors on the show are, i thought i'd give the first episode a try. besides, i will be starting my first job as a junior doctor come august, so perhaps it'd be interesting to see how i currently stand against them.

appalling cannulation technique by one of the doctors, annoying untied long hair sweeping all over the patient, and running around the hospital with the same pair of gloves post-patient contact aside - i personally don't think these doctors are bad at all. i can already imagine my first few weeks on the job at an entirely new hospital and environment, away from the comforts of being "merely a medical student", with a hundred more responsibilities on my shoulder. i know it is going to be overwhelming and there will be times when i will feel incredibly stupid. mistakes are inevitable, and one can only hope that they are not major ones where patients' lives are put at risk.

my point is, i think people have been extremely quick to judge. i'm sure it must've been very daunting for these doctors to be filmed at work, especially during their first few weeks. they would've most definitely had the added pressure of being on national tv on top of trying to get their work right on track. it's so easy for senior doctors to criticize - they are, after all, more experienced but i am very sure they have had their fair share of downs when they first started. what irks me most is when medical students comment that these junior doctors are lousy, arrogantly saying things like, "did you watch last night's Junior Doctors? omg they are so bad it's not funny", and "omg she was so bad that the patient wanted someone else to do it after two failed cannulation attempts". c'mon people, you've not even had a feel of working life yet, and while everyone will definitely get better at skills with tonnes of practice, you will have "off days" where you cannot explain why your procedures have not been successful. it doesn't automatically mean that you're incompetent (although, saying this, there are unfortunately some people who are), and it is really okay to get someone else to have a go at it.

obviously i don't know these junior doctors personally (wish i do, though, some of them are pretty cool HAHA), but from watching the show i get the feeling that they are doing alright. then again, it is also very difficult to judge simply because... it is a tv show! who would want to watch a normal doctor at work doing boring things like discharge summaries and taking blood time after time with ease? the producers had a span of 4 months to capture exciting and horrifying moments, by EIGHT different doctors, to be squeezed into 6 episodes. if you asked me, i think it may even be easier to judge an actual book by its cover.

i am coming towards the end of medical school (2 weeks more to be exact - i go back home for electives after this), and my current placement is a "student assistantship" where i shadow the junior doctor on my ward, basically doing things that i will be doing once i start work, only unable to sign forms and order investigations. and of course, i don't get paid. it's been a really good placement, though. my FY1 (first year junior doctor) is really good and i have learned a lot from him and the other doctors on the ward. i think i am somewhat prepared to step into the working world - not entirely, but i know i will never be until i actually start; but i think i can safely say that i am ready to graduate.

biggest hurdle yet

... crossed. :)

i really don't know where to start. i can't believe all my 6 years (well, 5 1/2 actually - the 1/2 year bumming at home before i came here to Manchester probably shouldn't be counted) of work, stress, tears, laughter and joy have finally brought me to this day. i am so, SO relieved. so relieved that i have secured my grasp on the 2 letters that i've been frantically chasing after (the big D-R in case you were wondering); but above all, i am thankful.

thankful to my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has showered me with. i've gone through lots of ups and downs throughout these years, but He has seen me through them. the past few months have been crazy that many a time i felt like screaming and pulling all my hair out, but He gave me peace and assured me that i was going to be OK.

thankful to my parents and grandfather for the opportunity to do this course in the first place. it is an unbelievably expensive course and one of the pressures was certainly the fact that a lot of money has been invested in me and therefore, by hook or by crook, i can NOT disappoint. money matters aside, the emotional and mental support that i have received from them have been tremendous. my few-times-a-week skype sessions with mum (and dogs) were what i looked forward to (still do) at the end of each hectic day. i am grateful because my parents have never pushed me. they never knew when my exams were unless i told them (sometimes they even forget. it's frustrating at times, but i won't complain). they've never asked about my results. but one thing's for sure: they were always, always there to listen to my rants and to calm me down when i was in need.

thankful to my dear teong rhen for being there 24/7. well, almost 24/7. we'd finally crossed this giant hurdle hand-in-hand! a big congratulations to him too. he thoroughly deserves it and i am sure he will be an amazing doctor.

thankful to my beloved manchester friends, without whom my life here would be so dull and depressing. i am proud of each and everyone of us. we've definitely put in a lot of heart and soul into our work, but at the same time we've enjoyed the last 3 years so damn much that sometimes it hurts to wonder if we'll ever experience the same sort of joy together again in the future.

thankful to all my other friends (IMU peeps, ipoh peeps) for all the kind words of encouragement. you know who you are and you know that i love you!

2 more months here and i will be back home for "electives"! i put electives in inverted commas because, well, who's going to do any medicine then, really? then back here again for graduation and the big move to the city before starting work at north manchester general hospital.

so that's my life planned out for now. i am very blessed. :)

twenty twelve

2011 was a relatively mundane year for me. it went by smoothly with nothing too exciting (ie no major milestones) and hardly any bumps along the way (thank goodness). that said, it was probably one of the better years of my life. i'd discovered a renewed passion for medicine, learned to appreciate the people around me more, found out that i have a job waiting for me, enjoyed life to the maximum while working hard in medical school, and had an awesome summer break back home.

this year, many, MANY things will change. i don't know if i'm ready to face those changes but i know i'm going to have to take it a step at a time.

for now, i must get through these exams.

do. or die.

happy 2012 everybody.

my 2011 summed up :)


(and yes, that giant platter of sushi made it on the list of significant events)