Selfish

 Started PT yesterday. My body has never been so sore. I’m exhausted. After almost 15 years of solely working to keep my body flexible, I’ve now moved to strength training. It’s progress. Something I never thought I would be able to do. My left ankle is very weak.  Pray I can keep improving. I may not get to all of you right now. My focus is on my body. I’m having to be selfish. I love you. I’m having to love me. 

Believe and updates

 Control

Don’t have it

Want it

But God

Says no

It brings

You to much

Power

Too much anxiety

To rest

You must trust

And let go

Of what you’ve 

Thought

Believed

And held dear

Eye update. No change. Letting God take it. Pray that I can accept His guidance, His love and what I can’t see. He does. 

Thoughts

 Sometimes

What you need

Is not 

What you want

Great day

 It’s a great day

To be thankful

Grateful

And humble

For all 

My blessings

That you 

Are so 

Willing 

To give

Renewal

 Taking in

A warm day 

Filled

With hope

Renewal

And promise

Seek

 Thank you Lord

For being

What I need

When I need

If you could teach

Me to forgive

Myself

The key

To the healing

I seek

Questions

 What is making you smile?

Last thing you read?

Last dessert you ate?

Last thing you bought?

Last thing you did?

You all

A romance novel

Apple pie

Lemonade

Stretch

Cards

 Yesterday, for the first time, I was truly honest at the doctor. My body needs to be checked out. I don’t have the luxury to put it off. Part of being honest is to tell people what I need. What I’d like. I’m slowly learning that I need to acknowledge the fear that consumes me daily. Today is a day that I’m fully resting. I’m basking in silence. And it’s quite a joyful experience. 

Jesus

C’est moi

I’m here

To say

I have fear

Whether

It be rational

And help me

Not dread

Its presence 

Trust

 Rest

Relax

And 

Trust

My new mantra

Lord

Help me

Accomplish

This new goal

Love

 Working out 

Sunshine

At my back

Basking

In the beauty

Of the Creator’s 

Creation

Love

 It’s been 

A good

Good day

In my neighborhood

Family

Books

And love

Thought

 Learning to rest. I’m learning what it is to be quiet. I’m learning to be brutally honest. I no longer have the drive to lie. Hide the undeniable truth. And it’s exhausting and cathartic to lay my cards on the table. Honesty is freeing, but tiring. Set yourselves free. 

Thinking

 I’m going to address this. A commenter said you didn’t need to be disabled to need mental health. Very true. I’m just saying that if you find yourself disabled since birth, you will need mental health. You better have a therapist on retainer. You will never know normal. And now at almost forty have I come to terms with that knowledge. I give strangers a basic medical overview to not answer more intrusive ones. I shouldn’t have to at all. Self-preservation is essential.  Anyone can suffer, but if you start behind the eight ball even with all the love in the world, just be ready to bare your soul to another human being and be medicated. 

Yes

 Jesus,

Thank you

For loving me

Enough

To die

A death

I still

Can’t understand

Thank you

For showing up

You show up

In private

You show me

In the secret stillness

That you 

Hold me up

When my body fails

And my soul lacks

Even when

I don’t think

I have more

To write

You say 

Get to work

As long

As you live

You will type

Because when

You share

You live

You shine

The glimmer

The shimmer

Appear 

You will not

Let me fall

Into depression

The constant battle

I have 

To be content

In the body

You’ve given me

As soon as you learn you are disabled, you learn you will need help. Mental health help. It’s not an option. It’s a necessity. As much as water, I need help and medication. I won’t apologize for it. Get help if you need it. 

Love

 What are you learning these days?  What have you been taught lately?  I am being reminded daily that I can’t force time. I realize my flesh is rearing its head regularly as to what it wants. I’m realizing I need to focus on just being. I’m exhausted trying to figure it out. That’s not my job. I keep taking on God’s job. That is a problem. A big one. It’s a blessing to just breathe in. Letting God do His work is my main focus right now. Love yourselves. 

Thank you

For the love

You provide 

Sustains

My weary soul

And gives hope

When all

I feel

Is fear and dejection

Lift my eyes

Don’t fear 

The wait

Embrace

The anxiety

And fuel

The passion

That is 

Within me

Pray I do just this. Thank you

Fix

 I look on this day differently these days. I will trust God that every desire will be met. I thought for so long I had to be fixed or normal to be loved, but I’m realizing that’s not the case. What needs to be fixed is my attitude. I believe in God, but I don’t trust Him to fulfill the deepest wants of my heart. Am I ashamed to admit this?  Yes. I’ve learned that admitting the less savory parts of me lead to progress. I need that more than my pride. Real authenticity will bring results not stupid lies. 

Beautiful

 It’s a cold morning, but my heart is warm. The love you give is a blessing I’m ever grateful and humbled by. It’s a beautiful reminder that God gives miracles as freely as He gives grace. I’m learning to let others love me, as I learn to give myself love. Happy Valentine’s Day lovelies. May love find you and give you a big hug. Love you. 

Failure

 Failure

The greatest teacher

The best motivator

The way

To show

You

That 

You’re 

Never too

Old

To be taught

Failure

The tool

In which

Humility 

Is earned

Bless you my friends

Thought

I never thought I’d be so open, letting you in. I’m shattering the glass. I’m tired of hiding the pain. I’m tired of not be authentic. I’m tired of pretending. To heal I’m doing things I thought I’d never do. Never say never. I’m discovering who I am within the confines of knowing that God holds the keys. I need healing. God Bless you all. 

About me

 A little about me

Floridian by birth, Carolinian by choice

Regine means Queen Mother. I used to hate my name, now I love it. 

Travel feeds my soul, books feed the mind

I blog to music everyday. 

I gotten hooked on protein bars with coffee for breakfast each morning

I love blankets. I can never have enough

I blast worship music as I walk on the treadmill

Yes

 It’s a great day

Because I’m here

With your Grace

And a knowledge

That I’m eternally

Yours

Thursday

 How are you my friends?

‘What is on your heart?

Any prayer requests?

Les yeux

 Eyes

God

I took them

For granted

I did

I didn’t appreciate 

The gift

Now I understand

The error 

Of my ways

A few weeks ago I went to see an ophthalmologist. My vision is not great. My brain and eyes are not in sync. I can’t really explain the issue. It doesn’t matter. Right now, I’m just trying to accept this. I don’t know what the future holds, I’m hopeful that I’m His canvas on which miracles happen. I trust that I’m in capable in both human and Holy Hands and that’s all I can desire. Just pray that my journey with acceptance is one that continues. If you’d honor me with your prayers, you’d give me the gift I most desire. 

When you pray for me, I understand your love for me. 

Braces

 Walking with braces is a daily experience. Sometimes it’s painful. Sometimes it’s a nuisance, but it’s always necessary. I wore them as a wee one, and for a few years now I’ve returned. My pride took some blows. My pride is nothing compared to weak ankles. Without these implements, I fell constantly. I learned how to fall correctly. My doctors gave me a stern warning. I was to do everything not to fall. I turned ankles as much as I love candy. These braces are my access to the world.  This is priceless. I had to understand that I won’t wear anything but these braces and sneakers, but that’s okay. I had to learn that it’s not a badge of honor to be black and blue. So if you meet me, you will see me sporting men’s Nike’s and white AFO’s. 

Have a blessed day. 

God

 God,

I come to you today amazed that you use me. Use my words to make a difference. Words that aren’t hollow and empty. I doubted your ability to make my life matter. I doubt and you show up everyday to prove Your point. You have a purpose for me. I acknowledge what I no longer deny. To know people read my words not simply to make me happy, but because it’s valuable is beyond my wildest dreams. I always have wondered if people humored me or looked at me with pity, but I am held by the One and Only who gives me what I need. Acceptance is a daily journey. It’s a process in humility. I’ve said it once, but I’m grateful that He doesn’t give as the world does. It makes life worth living. 

Sunday beauty

 On Your Day

Lord

Thank you

For my life

How you

Are the fortress

The rock

The sustainer

And lifter

Of my head

Guide us

And may we cede

Our need to know

And control 

Our destinies

Love each other and He has loved you. 

Therapy

 The therapy session

Exercise and this blog are essential for my health. The body needs to move. Cerebral Palsy wreaks havoc on my muscles. The condition isn’t supposed to worsen as I age, but my body seems to disagree vehemently. The baclofen pump helps this too. I’ve had it about 15 years. It’s one of the best decisions besides Jesus that I ever made. Science and faith intertwine in my story everyday. I owe my quality of life to their interconnectedness. Writing this blog has opened me up, gotten me out of my shell, and given me a community I didn’t realize I desired. Disability is very lonely. I never knew my place, and haven’t felt comfortable in trying to locate it any longer. You are all a collective of wonderful humans who restore my faith, and give me hope. I need a daily dose of hope almost as much as my daily medicines. So thank you. I’m grateful you continue to bless me with your presence.  Love you all. Be the blessing and you will be blessed. 

Friday musing

 Some recent things

I’m missing my niece and nephew. They bring joy. 

I have so many clothes in my closet, but wear the same pieces every day. 

I love gummy bears. Thankfully I found a healthier version

I read so many books that I need new suggestions

I forgot how good cheese grits were

Sometimes you must create your own joy

Tell me your wins and joy

Face

 In this rainy day I’m grateful for my faded sweats and Martha’s Vineyard sweatshirt that remind me of memories that make me so joyful. If you’ve had told me that I’ve had the opportunity to see God’s beauty in so many places, I don’t know if I would have believed you. God gives and I’m grateful to be a recipient.   It’s the small things that become the moments you don’t remember. Some of the places I’ve experienced the most anxiety are the places I think of with the fondest love. Do I wish I didn’t have so much anxiety, yes, but I’m starting to see that anxiety is correlated to my amount of fear. So I need to channel the anxiety, face the fear that eats me.  Love you all. May you all have a blessed day. 

Please

 Guide 

Where

My feet land

My heart beats

And let 

My soul

Not hastily retreat

Pray for me my precious friends.