Friday, October 31, 2008

The pen isn't mightier than the sword if it doesn't shoot out laserbeams

Friend: You're not the only literati around here. See this notebook? I write all my profound thoughts in here.

Me: Is that why the pages are blank? OOOH YEAAH!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Good grief! Gratuitous gratification!

I am mighty grateful to my parents for giving me SO MUCH,
though nothing that I wanted.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The darkest kid growing up in Sweden

ARGH! I live in a stinkin' prison. A cursed prison, minus the thick steel bars and muscular inmates who might be gay. A prison that allows me to leave home everyday to hang out with my friends. A prison where I get fed with anything I want. A prison with a comfortable king-sized bed. A prison with internet access. But where are my constitutional rights?! Where are my basic creative needs?! I demand total and absolute freedom! It might not sound like a prison to you, but it is. It's an intellectual prison where creative freedom is stamped on. Totalitarian regime! My warden mum doesn't appreciate my parete di follia organizzata, where I paste photos, images and random works of art. In all fairness, the sign on my door that says "F*CK ESTABLISHMENTS!" does seem a bit much. But c'mon, she's nagging the heck out of me. Mum stop bothering me, please! How am I supposed to win the Nobel Prize with you riding up my rear every 6 minutes?! Gimme breathing space to do my thing!

How I've suffered for my art. Hahaha! What a lie.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Of sound mind, but unsound body

Haa, yet another restless night... I spent the past hour lying on the bed, just thinking about random cogitative stuff. Like, what has become of society and its obsession with status and material? Why is the ocean blue? What direction is Mankind heading towards? Is there really a god? Do I need a haircut? Why do polo tees have logos on the left, instead of on the right? You know, philosophical questions.

Haa, so many questions. And right now, I'm restless and sleepy at the same time. I knew drinking raspberry soda and eating a litre of cookies&cream ice-cream before bed was a bad idea.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Cogito ergo sum

The truth is out--I'm a pod person. The mothership has dropped me on this godforsaken planet to collect some data, after which we'll obliterate this uncouth cannibalistic civilisation. Pod person, that's me.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

With Spock-like logic

I have a major celebrity crush on Katherine Jenkins (like OMG!). Way bigger crush than the one I had on the pink Power Ranger when I was 6 (seriously though, I thought she was really hot. Kids huh? Heh). If it was solely about looks, it could've been anyone. But no, Jenkins can really hit the notes. I've always been a fan of her music. But I wasn't that impressed until I saw her perform Time to Say Goodbye. Dayummm...

What can I say, mezzo-soprano chicks turn me on. On that note, I'll go drown myself in scotch while I go watch Casablanca.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Under the weather

The evening rain feels delicate when it gently touches my bare skin. My warm face takes pleasure in the natural sensation of it all. Everything feels cold, and funnily enough, warm all at the same time. The unrestrained drops of heavy dew arrests me to the moment of extravagance and makes me feel that the entire world has mellowed. I do enjoy the soft rain in the evening, for it makes me feel.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The importance of being earnest

Teacher: Why are you always late?

Me: Well, I like to think that I'm a consistent performer.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Nothing to fear but fear itself, AND rabid hamsters. Watch out for those furry little demons

I am proud to say that nothing fazes me at all. Like my childhood/teenagehood/adulthood/lifehood hero Batman, I fear nothing. Over the years, under the tutelage of my Greek-Indian mentor Krestonosets, I learned to discard needless human emotions, fear being one of 'em. I fear nothing. Well, not really. I fear ONLY 3 things now. That's definitely an improvement.

3. God (Old Testament version)
Yes, I fear this particular version of god. 'Cos he... Yes, I said he. God has got to be a male, and I assume he IS a male. 'Cos you don't put a woman in charge of THE second most important job in the entire friggin' universe, the most important job being the President of the United States of course (thank god Mrs Clinton lost. Thank god hahahaha! Get it?). Relax ladies, I'm just joshing. Okay, back to my point. I fear this particular version of god 'cos he sounds pretty scary to me. Remember The Flood? That wasn't too pleasant. Oh, and Sodom and Gomorrah? That scared me shitless! Anyone who has the power to destroy cities AND plunge the whole wide world into water definitely deserves to be feared. You may ask, What's the difference between the Old Testament god and the New Testament god? Aren't they essentially the same? No, they're not. The OT god is scary and an infinitely strict disciplinarian but the NT god sounds way too lenient. You disobey and piss off the OT god, you get floods, plagues and dead children(I'm thinking about that animated movie with Moses in it). OT god is like Hulk--make 'im angry and he smashes you and scares you straight. NT god is like Wonder Woman--she'll tie you up with her lasso of truth and make you feel a wee bit guilty and then she'll forgive you. Who's gonna fear a FORGIVING god? Geez louise! About that picture of clouds, it's just what I see in my head when I think about god--puffy clouds. If you wanna get an inkling of how god can be, try reading the Bible, the Koran, the Tanakh or Wikipedia. These 4 holy books can show you how gigantenormously scary god can or can't be.

2. Artificial intelligence
Self-aware computers. Rogue robots. Did you watch the Matrix? The Terminator? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, I shan't elaborate.

1. Hamsters
As my friend Mark can attest, I fear hamsters. They are demons coated in fur. Deceitful creatures secretly plotting world domination by first going for the common household. I advise anyone and everyone to KEEP THESE CREATURES OUT OF YOUR HOMES. But if you really must keep them(they're adorable, I know), make certain their cages are padlocked. I know what you're thinking: This guy's more afraid of hamsters than god. Yeah, I am. 'Cos god's existence is a possibility, not a definitity(sic). He might or might not exist, that's what I'm saying. As for hamsters, they definitely exist. I even got bit by one in my childhood. He tried to kill me and take over my raw fresh nubile virgin youthful healthy body so that he could take over my household. But luckily I flushed him down the toilet along with the veggies my mum gave me for dinner when my mum wasn't looking. See that picture of that hamster on top? You see how the eyes glimmer with cheeky innocence? See how he's dressed up with angel wings and, makes us gush with saccharine childishness and let our guard down? See how adorable the smile is, it just makes you wanna hold 'im? DECEIT I TELL YA! DECEIT! Well they may have fooled the world, but they ain't foolin' me! Evil conniving little rodents!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Soul-searching with Rooshdee

As I lay in pensive posture on my bed, staring at the beautiful night sky, I can't help but ask myself: "WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?!"

Thursday, October 9, 2008

We're not gay, we're open-minded!

I just finished watching P.S. I Love You on DVD. I remember watching it at the theatre early this year. For the lack of better company (female company to be exact), I had watched P.S. I Love You with two of my mates (and I'm using the term "mates" casually, as in British slang for "buddies", not Asian for "intimate partner I wanna spend the rest of my life with but decide to break it off after I realise I made a big mistake 'cos I just noticed she hadn't trim her nose hair"). 'Cos only with them would I be comfortable enough to watch a love story. Although, ten minutes into the movie, and a lot of kissing, boobies (I wasn't looking, I swear!), bra, and snuggling, I turned to my right and said, "I'm regretting watching this movie with you guys." To which Josh (his name has been changed here not to protect his identity, but to protect MINE. Ok, kidding. That's his real name), replied with a nervous "yes". But at the end of it all, I kinda thought the way the film was advertised was a tad misrepresentative 'cos it seemed more a romantic comedy than a tragic love story. I concede it was sad, even worthy of a few tears from me if it weren't for my tearducts (thanks to that accident at the nuclear powerplant last summer). Overall a nice enough movie to watch with two guys, if you're open-minded. Well, good times. Good times.



I reply:

Mark: I'll hold you to it! And we can be board game buddies if you want. Btw, in some countries, the name Mark is spelled with a J, as in Jmark. Silent J. You telling me something there, buddy? Hahaha

Sita: See what you made me do woman?! You made me use the word "fugly"! ARGH!

Jen: Dancing is a tribal form of expression. I just wanna be reminded of my roots back in Cape Verde. And if you ever call me pig again, you're gonna get hurt. Well, I won't actually hurt you since I'm a pacifist. But I WILL threaten you severely.

JT: Thank you so very very much. Can you not do inside jokes here? People who don't get it are gonna think I'm weird. Oh heck, they already do. Carry on then.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I went to a gay bar and saw a dancing queen

I got so friggin' bored I did this quiz I took from Mark's blog. Hope you don't mind you lark. So booooored.

> So, what's your primary food group?
Milk. Cheese. Yogurt. Dairy?

> Who would you like to have lunch with tomorrow?
John Wayne Gacy. Osama Bin Laden. Lee Harvey Oswald. Dane Cook.

> What kind of food do your best friends like?
Orion doesn't eat.

> Would you rather be a zombie or a vampire?
Vampire, duh. 'Cos vampires are sexy; look at the chicks they get. They can fly too, that's friggin' awesome! Also, vampires are good at math. Remember The Count from Sesame Street? Yeah, like that.

> Erhuh. And so would you rather be Master Chief or Serious Sam?
Who? Uhm... Master Chief I guess.

> Last one. Would you rather be The Joker or The Riddler?
Joker. Like duh. I get an excuse to wear makeup. And I enjoy killing hehehe ;) Plus, Riddler wears green spandex. Not my thing. Green that is. Not spandex. I like spandex.

> Favourite Genre?
Bossa nova.

> Favourite bands from that Genre?
Lisa Ono. Not a band, I know. So sue me.

> What instrument do you play? Or would like to.
Mouth harp.

> Got anyone on your mind? Come now, you know what I'm talking about. Because every quiz needs some HEART right! (Get the pun? Ha. Haha.)
Yes, there's someone on my mind. Me. I'm just so darn self-absorbed. (Get the joke? Ha. Haha.)

> Why are you thinking about them?
There're no reasons NOT to.

> So what's your top 4 reasons why you like someone then? (Top 3 is so overrated)
Face. Boobs. Ass. Legs.

> i herd you liek mudkips
Nah, I prefer Charmander. He would whoop Mudkips' ass even though it's fire vs water. That's how wicked Charmander is.

> I'm in ur fridge, eatin ur foodz
Just stay away from my milk, cheese, frozen cakes, pop tarts, cheesecake, cream cheese, strawberry soda, cookies & cream ice cream, bailey's... Know what? Just frickin' stay away from my fridge you @#$%^&*!

> Biting pear of salamanca
Is pear here an euphemism for the male genitalia or something?

> What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Pokemon trainer.

> What do you want to be now?
Pokemon trainer.

> If you changed your mind... Why?
Why would I change my mind? I wanna keep the mind I already have thank you!

> Whatcha doing tomorrow at 3 o clock?
AM or PM? If PM, that's too early for me to be up. If AM, probably dancing around the room.

> Psyched about anything at the moment?
Uhmm... It's hard to be psyched about anything when you've already lost your emotions in that brain altering experiment three years back.

> Nearest thing to you that's plain black.
I'm black. Kinda... Right? Once you go black, you ain't going back?

> What's on your desktop now?
Icons.

> Can you multitask? What are you doing besides this quiz?
Slathering cream cheese on my thighs.

> What's the longest you've ever gone without sleeping?
I haven't slept since 1953. I had to shoot JFK. And the guilt's kept me awake ever since.

> What's your catch phrase of the moment?
God told Noah be goody goody, or there be floody floody. Not exactly a catch phrase, but it is catchy.

> Do you like long hair or short hair?
That depends. Which hair are we talking about? HAHAHAHA! ... Eew, gross. Can't believe I said that.

Monday, October 6, 2008

A penny for my thoughts

I got fired from my bookstore gig last year 'cos I took all the bibles, korans and tanakhs, and put 'em in the fiction section. I daydream a lot; like while I'm riding my griffin and chasing clouds, I daydream about what it's like to go to school and live through the stupor of learning physics and math. I have the sudden urge to eat 6 donuts. Behind every great tennis player is a great behind; I mean, c'mon, just look at mine. Jeez some people can't take cocky jokes. My life's been surprisingly hectic; maybe I should wear a suit of mirrors, go down to the nearby park and reflect. I need a study buddy and a tennis buddy and a squash buddy. My stationery is sitting on my table so stationarily. I'm learning the lyrics to Jaroussky's music so I can sing myself to sleep at night. Why can't I stop dancing to Diana Ross? Black is a nice color 'cos it's the darkest color out there and it'll continue to be my favorite color until something darker comes along. I think my Scottish accent is improving. I wanna kick Dane Cook in the crotch. I don't think I wanna leave the house tomorrow 'cos the bodysnatchers might be out there somewhere waiting for me. Hmm, I'm so bored. I wonder what my friends are doing right now. Probably sleeping. Hmm, why am I still awake? Aww man, just thinking about Socrates' trial makes me wanna tear up. Now I want pancakes and cream cheese.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Why I am still single

Girl: I like you.

Me: What a coincidence! I like me too!

*Awkward silence ensues*