Whoever said the media is corrupting our values should meet me

Friend 1: What are we supposed to do when it's all over?

Me: When you love someone and they break your heart, don't give up on love. Have faith, restart. Just hold on.

Friend 1: Woah, I didn't know you were a hopeless romantic.

Friend 2: Eh wait... Isn't that from Jonas Brothers' Hold On?

Me: Hey, pop singers have wisdom too you know.

The beginning of the prequel to the beginning that will begin the end

Note: My pseudonym here is iron(III)oxide. Some of my friends call me Rusty, so I adopted the chemical/scientific(whatever) name for rust. Remember my warning about technology turning on us? The following tagboard conversation is proof! Nostradamus didn't foresee this, but I have! My prophetic vision holds truth!



14 Nov 08, 02:46
iron(III)oxide: Oh, you typed Asterix? How abt Obelix?

16 Nov 08, 17:27
qam: oh hi tagboard. you're about the only thing that i can talk to right now. sup.

16 Nov 08, 17:27
tagboard: .

16 Nov 08, 17:28
qam: then ignore? cb. now ive no one.

16 Nov 08, 18:05
nat: -_-

17 Nov 08, 01:13
iron(III)oxide: I was ignored too. No one laughed at my brilliantly constructed 'asterisk' joke. Fascist pigs!

17 Nov 08, 01:14
iron(III)oxide: What's wrong with you? The tagboard can't understand English. It only understands binary.

17 Nov 08, 01:15
iron(III)oxide: Hey tagboard, 0110010100001001010? Hahahaha! 110100001001?

17 Nov 08, 01:15
tagboard: 11111101110111000001

17 Nov 08, 01:15
tagboard: 010101010000101

17 Nov 08, 01:15
iron(III)oxide: See Qam?

17 Nov 08, 01:16
iron(III)oxide: Oh damn, stupid tagboard. Know what it said? It just insulted me! Said I'm a cheesecake whore!

17 Nov 08, 01:17
iron(III)oxide: You slut! Go fornicate with the pentium II. B*tch!

17 Nov 08, 01:17
iron(III)oxide: 0101010110101110!

17 Nov 08, 01:18
tagboard: 010!

17 Nov 08, 01:19
iron(III)oxide: Oh yeah?! Your momma's a chalkboard! In your face! I mean, in your phase!

17 Nov 08, 01:20
iron(III)oxide: Yeah, that's what I said! Your momma's so old, she's a chalkboard!

17 Nov 08, 01:21
iron(III)oxide: Your momma's so slow, she got overtaken by a pentium I!

17 Nov 08, 01:23
iron(III)oxide: Oh? No comeback? Suck on that, b*tch! Linux pawns your arse!

I have to wake up for tennis in 5 hours. F*CK

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Lebron James ain't scared of Kryptonite

Oh my frickin' gawd! I have just witnessed Lebron James jump from the free-throw line to make a dunk! And this wasn't even a dunk contest! It was during a friggin' match! How the fudge does a man, who stands 6ft8in and weighs 250lb, jump a distance of 15ft to reach a rim 10ft-high and deal such an emphatic dunk during a match?!

Sure, as far as I know, Jordan and Erving have performed a similar dunk from the free-throw line before, but they did it in a dunk contest. James did it in a match! Friggin' awesomeness! Too bad I can't find the proper video to put up here. No worries, who needs a video anyway(?) The human imagination shall prove adequate to conjure the image of a flying mortal. Give the people of the world a black Superman!

Holding out for the right one

In all honesty, I just want a simple, cute girl. Yes. Just a simple, cute girl.

Oh yeah, and she's gotta be left-handed, born on February 29, has purple shoulder-length hair, watches Jean-claude van Damme movies, speaks Spanish, listens to Neil Diamond and plays the Indian bamboo flute.

Well, that's about it. If I describe any more, people are gonna think I'm picky.

Decisions are best left to magic 8-balls

Is USD50 worth spent on getting these 5 special edition magazines with beautifully designed covers?

What I found at the end of the rainbow was... More rainbow!

I've only just realised that the Rainbow Paddlepop is now available in 1.7-litre tubs. Like OH MY GAWD! No longer would I have to consume 10 sticks of it at one go just to sate my cravings. Sure it's cheap ice-cream, but when that cold delicious cream of rainbow goodness touches my tongue, it's like unicorns are galloping down my oesophagus man! Unicorns galloping! C'mon, that is so AWESOME! I swear I see rainbows come out of my mouth when I burp!

With purposeful purpose

I have spent the past three years searching for the meaning of life. Who knew it'd take me that long to get a dictionary?

Reprendre

I drink white wine on lonely days, and savor the bouquet of Chateau Margaux on rainy nights. And on such nights would I gain the mellow certainty to realise that the notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to an idealised past. Let me then return to all that I have known and left behind.

Don't take life seriously 'cos you can't come out of it alive

Against my better judgment, I walked my way home across a 6mile-long park at 1.30am earlier on. I was half-hoping I'd get a glimpse of a ghost. And I planned my reaction would be to sprint like heck, or just scream in abject fear and take a piss in my pants. I prayed it wouldn't come to either.

I wasn't alone in that park though. Occasionally, someone would jog past me. And I think I saw a young couple at the playground, on the swings. Either that, or it was a hallucination. 2miles onwards, I regretted the impulsive decision. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's exactly healthy to walk 6miles if you've only slept for three hours the previous night and had nothing to eat for the whole day. But that's just me, spontaneity and cheese. See? Cheese. That's spontaneous.

"Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace." - Buddha

Colleague: That was sarcasm. Do you know what sarcasm is?

Me: *Deadpan* No.

When we talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back, it's called schizophrenia

While trying to pass the time through my insomnia, I took out my bible and got started on Revelation. I read the prologue, and then realised there's a hidden secret message from God! It's an anagram, and I think I've cracked it.

This is the passage:
The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show to his servants what must soon take place; and he made it known by sending his angel to his servant John, who bore witness to the word of God and to the testimony of Jesus Christ, even to all that he saw. Blessed is he who reads aloud the words of the prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written therein; for the time is near.

This is the secret message:
God here. Forget religion! I'm going to eat your brains and turn you all into finger puppets. I am a republican. Vote for McCain. When McCain becomes President and dies, shoot Palin. When Obama takes over, shoot Hillary. Batman is awesome. Hamsters are Satan's pets. Kittens are demonic furballs. I like knitting.

That's using every letter from the passage, with only these left over:
VJHVWHHWHVJODDTOTHTSTSTVTOTHHEWHEDEWDSFHEODESEDREHEWHHDWHEWHTTTEHEEOTHEES

The 83rd dumbest thing I've ever done

What do people do when they can't fall asleep? I hear some people drink a glass of warm milk. Some drink a glass of lukewarm water. Some put on classical music. Some watch TV in bed. Some read a book.

Me? I order from a 24-hour fast food restaurant and stuff my face in 2 packets of large fries, 3 hamburgers, 4 chicken wings, 9 pieces of chicken nuggets and a big mac, with a glass of chocolate milk to wash it all down.

I strongly doubt there is any correlation between the agonising stomachache I'm experiencing right now and the late night snack(snack here being a relative term. A very relative term) I had.

No idiosyncrasy about it

It's so cold. I'm so cold.

Who said logic had to make sense?

Elementary school physics taught me that friction is an essential part of the universe. If one were to wear shoes(or any footwear for that matter) that provides little or no friction against the ground, one would sleep. Is that why a lot of people wear bedroom slippers? Well, bedroom slippers do provide very little friction. So that makes sense--the lesser friction the footwear provides, the easier it is for someone to sleep. Hmm, I'll need a pair of bedroom slippers then, this insomnia is getting to me.

The pen isn't mightier than the sword if it doesn't shoot out laserbeams

Friend: You're not the only literati around here. See this notebook? I write all my profound thoughts in here.

Me: Is that why the pages are blank? OOOH YEAAH!

Good grief! Gratuitous gratification!

I am mighty grateful to my parents for giving me SO MUCH,
though nothing that I wanted.

The darkest kid growing up in Sweden

ARGH! I live in a stinkin' prison. A cursed prison, minus the thick steel bars and muscular inmates who might be gay. A prison that allows me to leave home everyday to hang out with my friends. A prison where I get fed with anything I want. A prison with a comfortable king-sized bed. A prison with internet access. But where are my constitutional rights?! Where are my basic creative needs?! I demand total and absolute freedom! It might not sound like a prison to you, but it is. It's an intellectual prison where creative freedom is stamped on. Totalitarian regime! My warden mum doesn't appreciate my parete di follia organizzata, where I paste photos, images and random works of art. In all fairness, the sign on my door that says "F*CK ESTABLISHMENTS!" does seem a bit much. But c'mon, she's nagging the heck out of me. Mum stop bothering me, please! How am I supposed to win the Nobel Prize with you riding up my rear every 6 minutes?! Gimme breathing space to do my thing!

How I've suffered for my art. Hahaha! What a lie.

Of sound mind, but unsound body

Haa, yet another restless night... I spent the past hour lying on the bed, just thinking about random cogitative stuff. Like, what has become of society and its obsession with status and material? Why is the ocean blue? What direction is Mankind heading towards? Is there really a god? Do I need a haircut? Why do polo tees have logos on the left, instead of on the right? You know, philosophical questions.

Haa, so many questions. And right now, I'm restless and sleepy at the same time. I knew drinking raspberry soda and eating a litre of cookies&cream ice-cream before bed was a bad idea.

Cogito ergo sum

The truth is out--I'm a pod person. The mothership has dropped me on this godforsaken planet to collect some data, after which we'll obliterate this uncouth cannibalistic civilisation. Pod person, that's me.

With Spock-like logic

I have a major celebrity crush on Katherine Jenkins (like OMG!). Way bigger crush than the one I had on the pink Power Ranger when I was 6 (seriously though, I thought she was really hot. Kids huh? Heh). If it was solely about looks, it could've been anyone. But no, Jenkins can really hit the notes. I've always been a fan of her music. But I wasn't that impressed until I saw her perform Time to Say Goodbye. Dayummm...

What can I say, mezzo-soprano chicks turn me on. On that note, I'll go drown myself in scotch while I go watch Casablanca.

Under the weather

The evening rain feels delicate when it gently touches my bare skin. My warm face takes pleasure in the natural sensation of it all. Everything feels cold, and funnily enough, warm all at the same time. The unrestrained drops of heavy dew arrests me to the moment of extravagance and makes me feel that the entire world has mellowed. I do enjoy the soft rain in the evening, for it makes me feel.

The importance of being earnest

Teacher: Why are you always late?

Me: Well, I like to think that I'm a consistent performer.

Nothing to fear but fear itself, AND rabid hamsters. Watch out for those furry little demons

I am proud to say that nothing fazes me at all. Like my childhood/teenagehood/adulthood/lifehood hero Batman, I fear nothing. Over the years, under the tutelage of my Greek-Indian mentor Krestonosets, I learned to discard needless human emotions, fear being one of 'em. I fear nothing. Well, not really. I fear ONLY 3 things now. That's definitely an improvement.

3. God (Old Testament version)
Yes, I fear this particular version of god. 'Cos he... Yes, I said he. God has got to be a male, and I assume he IS a male. 'Cos you don't put a woman in charge of THE second most important job in the entire friggin' universe, the most important job being the President of the United States of course (thank god Mrs Clinton lost. Thank god hahahaha! Get it?). Relax ladies, I'm just joshing. Okay, back to my point. I fear this particular version of god 'cos he sounds pretty scary to me. Remember The Flood? That wasn't too pleasant. Oh, and Sodom and Gomorrah? That scared me shitless! Anyone who has the power to destroy cities AND plunge the whole wide world into water definitely deserves to be feared. You may ask, What's the difference between the Old Testament god and the New Testament god? Aren't they essentially the same? No, they're not. The OT god is scary and an infinitely strict disciplinarian but the NT god sounds way too lenient. You disobey and piss off the OT god, you get floods, plagues and dead children(I'm thinking about that animated movie with Moses in it). OT god is like Hulk--make 'im angry and he smashes you and scares you straight. NT god is like Wonder Woman--she'll tie you up with her lasso of truth and make you feel a wee bit guilty and then she'll forgive you. Who's gonna fear a FORGIVING god? Geez louise! About that picture of clouds, it's just what I see in my head when I think about god--puffy clouds. If you wanna get an inkling of how god can be, try reading the Bible, the Koran, the Tanakh or Wikipedia. These 4 holy books can show you how gigantenormously scary god can or can't be.

2. Artificial intelligence
Self-aware computers. Rogue robots. Did you watch the Matrix? The Terminator? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, I shan't elaborate.

1. Hamsters

As my friend Mark can attest, I fear hamsters. They are demons coated in fur. Deceitful creatures secretly plotting world domination by first going for the common household. I advise anyone and everyone to KEEP THESE CREATURES OUT OF YOUR HOMES. But if you really must keep them(they're adorable, I know), make certain their cages are padlocked. I know what you're thinking: This guy's more afraid of hamsters than god. Yeah, I am. 'Cos god's existence is a possibility, not a definitity(sic). He might or might not exist, that's what I'm saying. As for hamsters, they definitely exist. I even got bit by one in my childhood. He tried to kill me and take over my raw fresh nubile virgin youthful healthy body so that he could take over my household. But luckily I flushed him down the toilet along with the veggies my mum gave me for dinner when my mum wasn't looking. See that picture of that hamster on top? You see how the eyes glimmer with cheeky innocence? See how he's dressed up with angel wings and, makes us gush with saccharine childishness and let our guard down? See how adorable the smile is, it just makes you wanna hold 'im? DECEIT I TELL YA! DECEIT! Well they may have fooled the world, but they ain't foolin' me! Evil conniving little rodents!

Soul-searching with Rooshdee

As I lay in pensive posture on my bed, staring at the beautiful night sky, I can't help but ask myself: "WHAT THE FUDGE HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?!"

We're not gay, we're open-minded!

I just finished watching P.S. I Love You on DVD. I remember watching it at the theatre early this year. For the lack of better company (female company to be exact), I had watched P.S. I Love You with two of my mates (and I'm using the term "mates" casually, as in British slang for "buddies", not Asian for "intimate partner I wanna spend the rest of my life with but decide to break it off after I realise I made a big mistake 'cos I just noticed she hadn't trim her nose hair"). 'Cos only with them would I be comfortable enough to watch a love story. Although, ten minutes into the movie, and a lot of kissing, boobies (I wasn't looking, I swear!), bra, and snuggling, I turned to my right and said, "I'm regretting watching this movie with you guys." To which Josh (his name has been changed here not to protect his identity, but to protect MINE. Ok, kidding. That's his real name), replied with a nervous "yes". But at the end of it all, I kinda thought the way the film was advertised was a tad misrepresentative 'cos it seemed more a romantic comedy than a tragic love story. I concede it was sad, even worthy of a few tears from me if it weren't for my tearducts (thanks to that accident at the nuclear powerplant last summer). Overall a nice enough movie to watch with two guys, if you're open-minded. Well, good times. Good times.



I reply:

Mark: I'll hold you to it! And we can be board game buddies if you want. Btw, in some countries, the name Mark is spelled with a J, as in Jmark. Silent J. You telling me something there, buddy? Hahaha

Sita: See what you made me do woman?! You made me use the word "fugly"! ARGH!

Jen: Dancing is a tribal form of expression. I just wanna be reminded of my roots back in Cape Verde. And if you ever call me pig again, you're gonna get hurt. Well, I won't actually hurt you since I'm a pacifist. But I WILL threaten you severely.

JT: Thank you so very very much. Can you not do inside jokes here? People who don't get it are gonna think I'm weird. Oh heck, they already do. Carry on then.

I went to a gay bar and saw a dancing queen

I got so friggin' bored I did this quiz I took from Mark's blog. Hope you don't mind you lark. So booooored.

> So, what's your primary food group?
Milk. Cheese. Yogurt. Dairy?

> Who would you like to have lunch with tomorrow?
John Wayne Gacy. Osama Bin Laden. Lee Harvey Oswald. Dane Cook.

> What kind of food do your best friends like?
Orion doesn't eat.

> Would you rather be a zombie or a vampire?
Vampire, duh. 'Cos vampires are sexy; look at the chicks they get. They can fly too, that's friggin' awesome! Also, vampires are good at math. Remember The Count from Sesame Street? Yeah, like that.

> Erhuh. And so would you rather be Master Chief or Serious Sam?
Who? Uhm... Master Chief I guess.

> Last one. Would you rather be The Joker or The Riddler?
Joker. Like duh. I get an excuse to wear makeup. And I enjoy killing hehehe ;) Plus, Riddler wears green spandex. Not my thing. Green that is. Not spandex. I like spandex.

> Favourite Genre?
Bossa nova.

> Favourite bands from that Genre?
Lisa Ono. Not a band, I know. So sue me.

> What instrument do you play? Or would like to.
Mouth harp.

> Got anyone on your mind? Come now, you know what I'm talking about. Because every quiz needs some HEART right! (Get the pun? Ha. Haha.)
Yes, there's someone on my mind. Me. I'm just so darn self-absorbed. (Get the joke? Ha. Haha.)

> Why are you thinking about them?
There're no reasons NOT to.

> So what's your top 4 reasons why you like someone then? (Top 3 is so overrated)
Face. Boobs. Ass. Legs.

> i herd you liek mudkips
Nah, I prefer Charmander. He would whoop Mudkips' ass even though it's fire vs water. That's how wicked Charmander is.

> I'm in ur fridge, eatin ur foodz
Just stay away from my milk, cheese, frozen cakes, pop tarts, cheesecake, cream cheese, strawberry soda, cookies & cream ice cream, bailey's... Know what? Just frickin' stay away from my fridge you @#$%^&*!

> Biting pear of salamanca
Is pear here an euphemism for the male genitalia or something?

> What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Pokemon trainer.

> What do you want to be now?
Pokemon trainer.

> If you changed your mind... Why?
Why would I change my mind? I wanna keep the mind I already have thank you!

> Whatcha doing tomorrow at 3 o clock?
AM or PM? If PM, that's too early for me to be up. If AM, probably dancing around the room.

> Psyched about anything at the moment?
Uhmm... It's hard to be psyched about anything when you've already lost your emotions in that brain altering experiment three years back.

> Nearest thing to you that's plain black.
I'm black. Kinda... Right? Once you go black, you ain't going back?

> What's on your desktop now?
Icons.

> Can you multitask? What are you doing besides this quiz?
Slathering cream cheese on my thighs.

> What's the longest you've ever gone without sleeping?
I haven't slept since 1953. I had to shoot JFK. And the guilt's kept me awake ever since.

> What's your catch phrase of the moment?
God told Noah be goody goody, or there be floody floody. Not exactly a catch phrase, but it is catchy.

> Do you like long hair or short hair?
That depends. Which hair are we talking about? HAHAHAHA! ... Eew, gross. Can't believe I said that.

A penny for my thoughts

I got fired from my bookstore gig last year 'cos I took all the bibles, korans and tanakhs, and put 'em in the fiction section. I daydream a lot; like while I'm riding my griffin and chasing clouds, I daydream about what it's like to go to school and live through the stupor of learning physics and math. I have the sudden urge to eat 6 donuts. Behind every great tennis player is a great behind; I mean, c'mon, just look at mine. Jeez some people can't take cocky jokes. My life's been surprisingly hectic; maybe I should wear a suit of mirrors, go down to the nearby park and reflect. I need a study buddy and a tennis buddy and a squash buddy. My stationery is sitting on my table so stationarily. I'm learning the lyrics to Jaroussky's music so I can sing myself to sleep at night. Why can't I stop dancing to Diana Ross? Black is a nice color 'cos it's the darkest color out there and it'll continue to be my favorite color until something darker comes along. I think my Scottish accent is improving. I wanna kick Dane Cook in the crotch. I don't think I wanna leave the house tomorrow 'cos the bodysnatchers might be out there somewhere waiting for me. Hmm, I'm so bored. I wonder what my friends are doing right now. Probably sleeping. Hmm, why am I still awake? Aww man, just thinking about Socrates' trial makes me wanna tear up. Now I want pancakes and cream cheese.

Why I am still single

Girl: I like you.

Me: What a coincidence! I like me too!

*Awkward silence ensues*

From Rooshdee's vernacular

OMR
Acronym for oh my Rooshdee. An acceptable alternative to OMG(oh my god) since god and Rooshdee are synonyms. Generally used in conversations to express surprise or disgust or fear or any other emotion out there.

Why do women keep marrying Larry King? The guy looks like a toad

30 minutes ago, I consumed what I thought was sweet milk, only to be informed shortly after that I had just drank 16oz of concentrated sweetened coconut milk. So I guess.....

NOTHING LIKE A SUGAR RUSH TO CLEAR MY MIND AND STEER IT TO CLARITY! Now I am absolutely certain of my purpose in life! No doubt (not Gwen Stefani's band)! No longer will I sit in pensive silence pondering what meaning my existence holds! When I grow up, I'm gonna be a... UNICORN!
... ...
Or a ninja.

I don't make stuff up you know--I imagine 'em.

add (Sept 27 12.31am): I have been influenced by my idol Stephen Colbert to attempt becoming a political satirist in the foreseeable future. But that's not to say my true destiny of being a majestic unicorn will be denied. I shall be a full-time unicorn, part-time political satirist. On an unrelated note, I don't trust Oprah. There's just something about her eyes, they look like they hide an ancient evil.

My mum didn't see the irony in calling me a son of a b*tch

He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god.

Earlier today, I was forced by my Nazi mum to run an errand for her. She made me travel 46 miles to the worst part of the country yet. The part of the country that's overrun with idiots, poor people with poor manners and ugly people in ugly clothes. And these idiots aren't any ol' idiots; this is the most dangerous type of idiots 'cos decorum and civility escape them, they aren't intimidated by class nor refinement. AND I had to walk through a ridiculously crowded supermarket. I liken the experience to clubbing, with the only difference being old people and bad music. Okay, I'm just kidding; both places have bad music. HAHA! And these old people aren't exactly the nicest bunch. They'd bump into you without the slightest hesitation, they'll step on your shoes, they'll hit you with their baskets. Heck, they'll even rub their oily scaly hide against you! Times like this I wish I had superpowers like spikes coming out of my skin when people make physical contact with me. That'd be cool beans, though that would hurt with the ladies. Or maybe I could be like the Human Torch and torch those m*th*rf*ck*rs to Hell. Oops, too crass. Hehe.

I've been toying with the idea of getting a mini-fridge for my room. I've got my PC, TV, telephone and stereo. With a mini-fridge, I can be self-sufficient. I can stay in my room for days on end. Sure I'll have to leave my sanctuary occasionally to use the bathroom and kitchen, but it's only out of necessity. Hmm, come to think of it, I don't have to bathe! I could just get one of those wet tissues that come in packets! And there's deodorant too. And I don't need to eat staple food. Nutrition's overrated! I can survive on cereal! It's got protein, carbohydrate, iron etc. That's more than I need. If I'm really hungry, I'd order pizza and get the delivery guy to pass it to me through my window. Oh sweet, me and my little asylum, my little safehouse. Just the thought makes me all tingly inside. I almost forgot, I'd be deprived of human contact. Oh heck, who needs human contact when I have my stuffed unicorn Orion to keep me company. I'm gonna pack the fridge with nothing but Bailey's and strawberry soda!

add (Sept 27 2.41am): I forgot to mention that while on my treacherous journey, I encountered a large group of transvestites. Intially looking at their toned physique, broad shoulders and firm posture, I thought they were just a bunch of really well-fed women. Then I saw bulges in their necks inches below their slightly scruffy chins. Seemed suspiciously like Adam's apple. Oh beloved Jehovah!

Nostalgic moments and the antediluvian

The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealised past.

More often than not, you'd hear your friends talk about "the good ol' days". Indeed, enjoying the present isn't nearly as appreciated as looking back on it wishing you could enjoy it again.

Unfortunate, possibly otherwise, then that I should be one of those people. I would certainly not object to going back to a moment in the past, irked that the present isn't good enough and almost certain the future would leave so much to be desired.

We can only hold to them fast as memories and not foolishly wish the unthinkable. Is it unbecoming of me to look to the past so fondly and miss those I have met and left behind?

Blood is thicker than water, and much harder to drink

Colleague: Do you have any siblings?

Me: Yeah, I got an identical twin.

Colleague: Haha. C'mon, seriously.

Me: Yeah, seriously. I've got an identical twin brother. My parents adopted him when I was 5.

Peter Pan's a b*tch

Earlier today, I took a busride. It was a comfortable ride, with me taking a nap at the back of the bus. Until three girls, no older than 10 years, decided it was fun to jump around the bus and make a ruckus. Bleedin' frickin' irksome. I wanted to wring their necks and tell them to shut the f*ck up. I was never half as bad as them when I was a kid. Although my mum did tell tales of my jumping off dining tables pretending to be a baby dragon. That's absurd, I was a real dragon.

A brazen declaration

If you're reading this blog to find out about my life, the joke's on you! 'Cos I don't have a life! HAH! I do realise the irony, but still...

The art of conversation

Friend: Actually, when I first met you, I thought you were aloof and cold. But turns out you're a really nice guy.

Me: Haha, yeah. People think I'm snobbish and arrogant. But once you get to know me, you'd realise I'm just like any other regular down-to-earth guy; only smarter, more talented, and better looking.

Friend: HAHAHAHAHA! That's so funny.

Me: I wasn't joking.

Never old enough to know better

Like a guy in a loony bin, I've been grappling with one issue at the backburner of my mind. I've been obsessing about growing up. Clearly, I have issues about growing up and being mature. The consensus is that maturity is inevitable, and that it progresses over time. But I think maturity is a choice. 'Cos well, look at me, I'm a young adult, and I act like a kid. Well, most of the time at least. When I'm on the tennis court, I'm all 60-year-old business-like, austere, grouchy geezer. My friend says she likes me for that kid in me. That's nice of her to say, but what about when I'm 30 years old and still acting like I'm 12? Well, that's just hypothetical. Truth be told, I don't really wanna grow up. When I was 14, I had asked myself, "What if people grow up and fall out of love with the stuff they fell in love with as a kid? What if I'm 22 and I don't like cereal anymore?" Now, that really got me worried. If I don't enjoy Waffle Crisp cereal, what am I supposed to enjoy? Oatmeal and raisins?! Screw that! Bran muffin?! ARGH! Just shoot me when I ask for bran muffins and oatmeal.

I'm crazy 'cos I refuse to come to terms with the fact that I have to grow up. I just cannot accept that. I musn't. Perhaps it's too late, 'cos I think age has already caught up with me sooner than I had anticipated. See, I had pulled the fridge door and absent-mindedly hit my temple earlier. That's what my grandma would do, not me! Old age, oh ye cruel beast!

I'm ton dylsecix!

I just got back from getting my hair cut at the usual salon. And while I may have been pleased with it initially, I now think I look like an ah beng. Dang it man! This always happens when I get a haircut; I end up regretting it, but it was getting harder to manage. I used to have really long unkempt hair, and I've gotten mixed reactions to it. I've been told on separate occasions I look like Kaka, Captain Jack Sparrow, Roger Federer(when I wear my headband), a Californian bum, and my personal favorite a two-bit Argentine drug peddlar. And now I look like a darn ah beng. Oh just shoot me in the head with a BB gun please. I guess I'll just have to wear a beanie wherever I go. Geez...

Comic strips for the soul

I am currently suffering from a mental illness psychologists have termed "boredom". Prescribed drugs: Bizarro comics.

If your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?

Josh just tagged me to do this piece of trivial thingy. And since I'd rather do this than study Thomas Hardy right now...

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, iPaq etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool


01 - OPENING CREDITS: 21st Century Kid by Jamie Cullum
Right on.

02 - WAKING UP: Away in a Manger by Sufjan Stevens
How did I end up sleeping in a manger damn it?! Was I drunk the night before or something?

03 - FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
Geez... School didn't mark the start of my life, it marked the beginning of my demise.

04 - FALLING IN LOVE: Heaven Forbid by The Fray
The song title says it all.

05 - FIGHT SONG: 魔法の言葉 ~Would You Marry Me~ by Do As Infinity
WHAT THE FUDGE?! How is this a fight song?!

06 - BREAKING UP: Your Hand in Mine by Explosions in the Sky
Damn, did she break up with me 'cos I cut her hand off and kept it? Oh man, that blows.

07 - PROM: Avenir incertain du titanic by Paris Combo
I gave my prom a miss. So perhaps I should say... Precis et approprie, non? Haha.

08 - LIFE: On Green Dolphin Street by Grant Green
Can't argue with that. Jazz is my life after all. *Smirk*

09 - MENTAL BREAKDOWN: War (First Try) by The Cardigans
I fought sanity. And I won. BOO YAH!

10 - DRIVING: Sinnerman by Nina Simone
Sweet. My favorite song.

11 - FLASHBACK: Ageless Beauty by Stars
Well, my beauty is ageless after all. Ahem ahem. HAHAHA!

12 - WEDDING: Copa Cabana by Barry Manilow
What in Zeus' name?... I married Lola the showgirl at the Copa Cabana?

13 - BIRTH OF CHILD: Alien by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Hey! That's not funny! Screw you Mozart!

14 - FINAL BATTLE: En Aranjuez Con Tu Amor by Il Divo
Cool! Operatic tragedy, I love it! Although... Con tu amor? Esto esta loco! Hahaha!

15 - DEATH SCENE: This Sun Doesn't Like You by Norah Jones
I knew it! The sun killed me!

16 - FUNERAL SONG: A Quick One, While He's Away by The Who
Am I like... Supposed to come back from the dead or something? Awesome!

17 - END CREDITS: Concerto grosso in A minor op. 6 No. 4 by George Handel
Wow, this one's really on the money.

The landlord in Hell has a room reserved for me

I think I may be evil. I just watched an episode of Heroes online. And I think if I had powers, I'd use 'em to kill. Who would I kill? I'd first kill my kindergarten teacher 'cos she told me off for using up all the black crayon to draw a picture of four black bears in a forest at midnight. And then, I'd go on to kill my primary two classmates 'cos they cheated when they played rock paper scissors with me. And lastly, I'd kill my uncle 'cos he said magic isn't real. But Orion, my stuffed pony, says that magic holds this world together. And I believe him, 'cos he's my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

"It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe,
that lures him to evil ways." - Buddha

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit

Person unnamed: Your brain cell is lonely.

Me: At least it's one more than what you've got.

*Silence ensues*

Me: You just got burned.

Person unnamed: Shut up.

Existential crises and the boy

Perhaps one thinks happiness is derived not from knowing, but realising that contentment can only be gained from numbing the senses already conscious to the other elements at work. Perhaps if one found pleasure in the tangible present and attached to it intrinsic values, one would not be remised to look to the past for answers pertaining to existential queries. Perhaps one ought to realise that such a thing could only serve as a medium for experiential melancholy. Perhaps one feels bereft of meaning that one chooses to wallow in such a state.

When one allows oneself to be self-aware, one almost certainly loses touch with the conventional social construct. Existential contentment is not without sacrifice, yet it is this consciousness of being that pulls one away from the genetic imperative that is the essential human experience.

Perhaps if one bothers to venture into thought about existence, one would wonder.

What would Socrates say?

I accidentally hit my right hand against the counter top and it suddenly dawned on me that if I were to lose my hand(s), it would suck so bad (obvious moment #1). I mean, seriously, it'd be devastating considering I use my hands for a lot of things (obvious moment #2): tennis, basketball, squash and writing; these things define part of my identity. Also, I use those very hands to eat, to run my fingers through my soft silky hair, to feel my firm buttocks clench, to give myself a hug 'cos no one wants to give me one, to cook my delicious warm potato salad, to play NBA Live on PS2 and thrash my friends, and to draw sketches of beautiful strangers who walk past me while I sit on the park bench. Damn, it would suck to lose my hands (obvious moment #3).

Then another scenario played in my head. What if the Devil were to appear before my eyes and tell me that he's gonna take away either my hands or my legs, letting me decide which body part to keep. My legs? Or my hands? Or maybe I could just ask him to forgo the dilemmatic question and just give me Thor's hammer in exchange for my soul? Which to choose? Without legs, I can't run and I can't enjoy long walks in the park or even short walks for that matter (obvious moment #4). If such an incredulous thing does happen though, I'd have to put my foot down (pun #1). Although if it was a choice between my hands and my near-useless appendix, I'd choose my hands, hands down (pun #2). Maybe I ought not to give such stupid suggestions to the Devil. I'd have to watch what I say; I wouldn't wanna put my foot in my mouth (pun #3). Someone hand me a trophy, I'm on fire! HAHAHAHAHA!

So I concluded the very irrelevant train of thought with this: I like my hands and legs; I need my hands and legs (obvious moment #5). Philosophers would marvel at my thought processes.

A 10-second interview with Rooshdee

I'd be nothing if it weren't for...
MY AWESOMENESS!

Which side is your good side?
Both, 'cos I'm made of AWESOME!

If you were famous, what would you be famous for?
For being AWESOME!

What are three words that sum you up?
MADE OF AWESOME!

When they write my obituary, I hope they mention...
That... I'm... AWESOME!

I don't get mad. I get...
AWESOME!

Facebook quizzes are so revealing, aren't they? ;D

Omgawd, I can see music in the air... It's so colorful

This night has been epiphanous! Realisations about psychoanalysis and social constructs are hitting me like Wayne Gretzky hits the puck. Is it a coincidence that prior to these awesome epiphanies, I downed two pills of chlorpheniramine? Wait, is there weed in chlorpheniramine? d-_-b

"TAKE 1 TABLET(S) 3 TIMES A DAY AS NEEDED. May be taken with or without food. May cause drowsiness, caution if driving."

Shit, I better lie down...

add (5.07am): I am sleepy as heck, but I musn't go to sleep yet; all the awesomest ideas in my head might disappear when I sleep. The ideas that are coming are AWESOME! Hmm, should I do weed? What's the law on weed consumption like in Singapore? Is the Law Bar Association even aware of the existence of weed? Do I know anyone who does weed? Wait, James Blunt's music is so awesome. Does HE smoke weed? I bet Pachelbel does it too! That's why their music is so AWESOME! 'Cos they do weed! I should do weed too man! AWESOME!

The definition of myself and the consciousness of my being

Like the sands in the hourglass, these are the days of our lives

Thanks to Mark, I'm surfing Youtube for Power Rangers videos. And apparently, YOU have the Dragonzord AND the Megazord AND Tor the Shuttlezord. *Envious glare* Lucky little twit you are.

When I was a kid, I didn't get anything like that. All I got on my third birthday was a violin and a Japanese language dictionary. And for the subsequent birthdays, I got a different colored necktie each year. Explains a lot doesn't it? So I, at my adolescent/adult stage, have LOADS to catch up on. And it just so happens I can do all that with the power of technology at my adolescent and immature fingertips. I have downloaded Digimon seasons 1 and 2, SpongeBob Squarepants seasons 1 to 4, Cardcaptor Sakura seasons 1 to 3, Beyblade seasons 1 to 3, and every Pokemon game out there! BOO YAH! Oh, I also happen to have the first season of Pokemon and the first 5 movies on DVD. My clairvoyant eyes foresee a busy week ahead. Juggling the A-Level syllabus and watching cartoons is gonna drain me surely, but I am mentally prepared; 'cos I was born for this. (Also, if anyone has a link to any Powerpuff Girls episodes, could you gimme a holler or something? I'd reaaaaallly appreciate it.)

My childish behaviour is TOTALLY justified now. Look at me with adult disapproval, I don't care. Also, I'm gonna consume a lot of estrogen pills to try my best and halt puberty, or at least slow it down until I get my childhood back.

One point to the Rooshter

Me: Well, at least you have a gun now, no?

Friend (full-time NS man): No, no live range yet. Fired blanks today. Fun shit.

Me: Well, you should be used to firing blanks by now. OOOH YEAAH! Hahaha.

The deserted island game

5 movies you'd bring to a deserted island:
1. A Good Year
2. Serendipity
3. Ocean's Eleven
4. The History Boys
5. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

5 books you'd bring to a deserted island:
1. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
2. Martin Cohen's 101 Philosophy Problems
3. Dr Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham
4. Charles Bukowski's South of No North
5. The Kahlil Gibran Reader

5 albums you'd bring to a deserted island:
1. Vivaldi's Four Seasons
2. James Blunt's Back to Bedlam
3. The Temptation's The Temptations Sing Smokey
4. Death Cab's Plans
5. The Beatles Anthology

5 games you'd bring to a deserted island:
1. NBA 2K8
2. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
3. The Bully
4. WWE SmackDown! Shut Your Mouth
5. Crash Bandicoot Racing

1 random stuff you'd bring to a deserted island:
A violin, definitely!

Why I am single

Me: Okay, if BJ is short for blowjob, what's LC then?

Girl: You don't know? It's something you have, and I don't.

Me: Uhhh... You mean... Brains?

Angry girl walks off.

Memoirs of a gay sia!

I have gay friends. Seriously, I think I'm the straightest in the bunch. Vernon likes asking me out while we play basketball. Zack likes hugging me in public. And I don't mind it since he has a lean and sculpted body. Shoot, they're getting to me. I'm getting gayer by the minute.

And the gayest thing we've done as a group: play tag at the Raffles City shopping mall on a crowded Saturday evening. Yes, we did. 6 grown men tagging each other. It doesn't get any gayer than that. And here I thought I was the childish one.

Oh, and to cap off a regular day with the guys, I overdosed on 9 donuts.

Quote of the day from Vernon:
in response to seeing me do an ad-libbed breakdance move after I fell trying to grab the ball, he exclaims, "Hey! Rooshdee can breakdance! We should hang out sia!"

Spongebob and Patrick and Metaphysics

The episode where Spongebob and Patrick think they're on the moon, when they're actually still in Bikini Bottom.Spongebob: Can't you see this is all a trick? The aliens are projecting our memories onto the environment. They're trying to confuse us, Patrick.

Patrick: So you mean to say they've taken what we thought we think and make us think we thought our thoughts we've been thinking are thoughts we think we thought... I think.

The greener grass is for females only

I heard there's this job that pays $35/hr for girls. Some job at some outlet selling ice-cream or something? I think it's at Sentosa? Damn, I can't remember the darn details. I only remember you gotta be willing to wear a bikini and be able to rollerblade. I tried applying anyway, but as foreseen, I got rejected. I suppose it's 'cos I can't rollerblade. *Laughs ridiculously*

Eurgh, can you really imagine me in a two-piece? God forbid!

Randomness comes to me randomly, like pineapple on pizza

Today's basketball session began pleasantly, only for it to end in annoying disappointment. Within the first three minutes, I made two baskets. Sweeeeeeet! But a minor tussle in the next minute left my right thumb hurting like a frickin' cracker! A cracker! What the fudge am I supposed to do with four fingers? Play a game of "chopsticks"? Balling with four fingers on your dominant hand blows big time. The only consolation I got from this: I didn't get butt cramps after the game.

And on an unrelated note, Nadal's gonna displace Federer as the new number 1. Numero uno. Big dawg. Well then, a seismic shift of dominance in the world of tennis. I don't think I'd have to worry too much about Federer beating my all-time favorite Sampras' record of 14 Grand Slams.

ARGH!!!!! MY THUMB! IT HURTS! OMGAWD!!! GOD JUST TAKE ME NOW! IT HURTS SO BAD! How am I supposed to play tennis now?! Hmm, maybe I could tape my hand to the racquet. That might work.

Dedication does not = crazy

What is dedication? Dedication is sitting in front of the PC for 8 consecutive hours playing Pokemon Crystal version, and training your Charmander till it gets to level 32.Hmm, Hitler had a lot of dedication. Too bad he didn't play Pokemon.

The cure for modern life

My current wishlist:

1. Toe-socks
2. The original gameboy advance
3. Sea monkeys
4. Polaroid camera
5. A slinky
6. Gumball machine
7. Batman action figure
8. A top hat
9. A tamagotchi
10. Remote controlled toy car

This is my wishlist, for realsies. No joke.

Entertaining the bored man

The lifestyle I lead is that of the tame and trite: at home alone on a Saturday evening watching Spongebob Squarepants and playing Bomberman Tournament on my PC. Such excitement just can't be bought. -.-

The dumbest thing I've done today.

If I don't wake up, I'm probably at Elm Street

I cannot sleep. I am watching Spongebob Squarepants. All the lights in my room are switched on. I will not sleep until I can see the light of dawn. I am not afraid of the dark--I am afraid of the evil it conceals.

Running on emptiness

I'd like to go for a really early morning jog around a reservoir. After which I'd stop by a really cheap coffeeshop and eat really cheap oily fattening high cholestrol food and undo what exercise I did. Followed by a really hot beverage often consumed by old people. My arteries would be pretty much clogged up by then. And if all goes well, I won't die of a heart attack while I'm in the tub.

Cry myself to sleep

I. Will. Not. Be. Going. To. The Death Cab concert 'cos the tickets were sold out on the second day. FRIGGIN' SHIT! I cannot believe I did not act fast enough to get the tickets! I am so beside myself with anguish right now. ARGH!!! My favorite band, and I didn't get the tickets fast enough. WHAT THE FUDGE!!! I want to go so badly. But I can't. Boo frickin' hoo.

I have a date with destiny, too bad it's not a date with a girl named Destiny

I think fortune-tellers are great multi-taskers; they can tell the future AND bake cookies at the same time. How cool is that?

A fortune-teller once told me that I would win the lottery on December 20th, 2012. Knowing that my financial future is secure, I have been lazing around and wasting time and not studying and having mindless fun and have made no effort whatsoever to succeed academically. Coincidentally, the fortune-teller also predicted that the world would end on December 21st, 2012. I dunno about that. Winning the lottery before apocalypse? That's a bummer. But hey, I'm sure the dude was just joking. Come on, apocalypse? There's no such thing. It's just something cooked up by a disgruntled employee at the Vatican. So yeah, I'm pretty positive I'm gonna win the lottery.

But in any case, and since I'd have so much money anyway, I'll use the money and buy a spacecraft from NASA and move to Pluto, my place of origin. Who should I bring along if the world does explode? My family? I dunno, they get cold and flu easily, so the climate might not agree with them. My girlfriend? Sure, I guess so. Blow-up dolls are inflatable after all, easy to make space for her on the spacecraft. Oh, and a cheesecake chef. Definitely. I gotta have cheesecake man. What's the point of living if there's no cheesecake right? Yeah, that's about it. My girlfriend and a cheesecake chef.

Shelby Kinkybottom did this to me!

I cannot sleep. My body clock has found time(HAHAHAHA! Man, I love puns) to adjust itself without the permission of its landlord, which would be me(somehow, this sentence doesn't make sense). I now cannot fall asleep any earlier than 3am, unless I down five bottles of sleeping pills. So what am I doing now? After watching 10 episodes of The Office, I am sitting in front of my pc and singing along to random songs. I am in my room and I am singing out loud. Yes, I am still singing as I am typing all this down.

Here's a list of the songs I've managed to sing:

1. Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire and Uptown Girl
2. Il Divo's Heroe and Pour Que Tu Maimes Encore
3. Boston's More Than A Feeling
4. Erasure's A Little Respect
5. Aretha Franklin's Respect
6. A1's Like A Rose
7. Chumbawumba's Tubthumping

My voice is a little tired. I am going to rest my voice and... And... And... Think of ways to annoy my friend. Hmm, a random thought: I miss playing tennis. And I also miss playing basketball. And I also miss playing squash and badminton and eating cheesecake and speaking with a fake Russian accent and throwing popcorn at random people in the theatre. Man, I miss so many things. Hmm, I feel a little dazed and giddy with this unexplainable feeling of lightness in my head. Is there a doctor out there?

7 SMSes in 5 minutes

Friend: Eh! I see a man who looks like the older version of you! Haha deep set eyes all.

Me: Oh snap, I think the person you saw came from the future! OMG! Did he have a samurai sword?!

Friend: Haha nonsensical.

Me: Why do you laugh?! It's serious! What if he's here to kill me?!

Friend: Dude seriously. He wouldn't kill you 'cos he'd kill himself.

Me: How would you know?! You're not him! Wait, you're not me! You're neither him NOR me! People from the future are weird! Who knows how they think? EEP!

Friend: Sure thing.

It's a bad joke

I skipped school today so I could catch The Dark Knight at the earliest possible time, or at least at the earliest possible time I could find. And it was showing at a theatre in Toa Payoh at 9.50am. Even with 3 hours of sleep, I managed to sustain myself on the excitement and anticipation built over a year of waiting for this movie. And the movie did not disappoint. Perhaps it's 'cos I'm such a freak of a fan, but this movie is amaaaaazing(zing! zing! zing!). The dark atmosphere made this movie real. Reality and superheroes; odd combination. But this one worked.

And if the producers are looking for a Robin for the next movie or something, I wanna be there to audition. I think I'd make an awesome Robin; I've got youthful anger, I have misguided notions of justice, my name begins with an R, and I look good in tights and spandex. What more can the producers ask for?

Me and Christian Bale would look so good together(in a non-homoerotic manner).

Four score and seven years ago

My self-reflection has confirmed these:

1. I am a bad student
2. School would be a great place to be at if it wasn't for education
3. Education ruined my intelligence
4. Blue pens are better than black pens
5. Never drink milk before gym class (obvious reasons)
6. I look weird with short hair

What can I say? I'm a deep guy. HAHHAHAHA!

The days when Dratini and Squirtle were real

"How are you, sad young literary man?"

That is how my colleague has taken to greeting me. That line actually came from a book titled All the Sad Young Literary Men. My colleague believes I am a sad youth because of my interest in philosophy and my almost nihilistic approach to life in spite of my adolescence.

I'd rather he call me pokemon master. My knowledge of the first 151 pokemon (I stopped at 151 'cos all the pokemon that came after just seems so retarded and childish! Sheeeesh!) reaches encyclopedic level! I invested 85% of my childhood to Pokemonism (a religion founded by me in the summer of 1999). But as I evolved beyond my infantility, I learned I had to eventually accept the fact that all the pokemon died along with the dinosaurs and there's no way of bringing them back.

And get this: when I was a kid, I wanted to go to university and get a degree in pokemon, whatever that meant! That's how idiotic I was! I wanted a friggin' degree in pokemon studies! How messed up is that? Hmm, my mum did mention 'bout my drunk uncle Albert dropping me on the pavement once when I was a wee baby. That partly accounts for my maladjusted tendencies and hostility towards plants. ARH!!!

Ctrl, Alt, and Delete

One of my many academic faults has always been my impassionate and painfully slow start to any task, and it shows in most of my writings. Clearly aware that most people possess an attention span 3 times longer than a goldfish's, this blog has been created with the intention of frivolity and meaningless blather. My musings on dry topics, I save for private viewing. Honestly, who wants to hear a deranged kid prattle on about inconsistencies in human behavioural patterns caused by contemporary introversion?