i cant keep getting drunk just to get to sleep at night. i cant keep crying at work just because i miss you so much. i cant keep thinking about how i'll react when i see you. i cant keep thinking how i lost someone who meant so much to me. i cant stop thinking of all the time we spent together. i cant keep wanting to text you just to see your reply or call you just to hear your voice. i cant stop dreaming about you. i cant keep thinking about why you left and why you said those hurtful words. i cant stop wanting to drink my sorrows away. i cannot stop loving you. an amazing person you are, the epitome of perfection, in my books. the perfect things you once said to me. the perfect things you did for me. the perfect times we shared. the shit we went through just to be happy. the nights we spent. the mornings i woke up next to you. the first time you kissed me, the feeling of my heart stopping, my mind froze, my soul left my body just to see how happy i was. the night i met you. the morning i woke up to your first text. the way you made me feel. happy i was, for once in a long time. you made me feel special. you made me excited just to see you. you made me excited just thinking about you. how i couldnt wait to see you again. how i missed you knowing i was leaving you. i never knew the last kiss would be the last. i never knew the last i saw you would be the last. i truly did treasure every second we had. i truly did love you the most i could in the period of time i had. i meant everything i said to you. about how you make me happy and how i feel about you. i wish it didnt have to be this way, but i only want to see you truly happy. i want you to be content. i want things to be ok for you. it doesnt matter what i feel or how hurt i am or how empty i feel right now. as long as you are happy, i am happy. i mean it when i say that. with all of my being. i loved you the most i could, the only way i knew how. i gave you the best i could. i do love you. and some part of me always will. the most perfect boy i've ever met.

i havent slept at all in days. i havent talked to you at all. i dont know what i'm doing wrong. what can i do to make you love me?

i sat there in the dark smoking, and all i could think of is you lying in my bed sleeping like that night. oh how i miss you so much. but i cant do anything about it. its been 36 hrs since i the last text i sent you and the hours havent been easy. it kills me how i have to leave you. but its something i have to do to make you happy, so in return i will be happy. i love you more than you think, but its not enough. everything isnt right. everyone seems to be in a bad mood.

songs suddenly have meaning. i suddenly hear the lyrics and understand it. everything has meaning to it now. sappy love songs disguised as metal rock. it calms me, it makes me feel. its been 13 hrs since i left you, and its been going well so far. the only thing i'm worried about is tomorrow morning. but all of it doesnt matter anymore. nothing matters. just my sleep, and getting my ass to town to see my boys. kamal text me out of the blue earlier tonight, righ after i got in the bus to get home. and it was a nice surprise. at least the universe proves that someone cares enough to ask how i am and listen to my, once again, tragic love story. its comforting to know that i'm not completely alone in the big fast-paced world. where everything and everyone seems to be dashing past me to get to the place they know they're destined. whereas i, am still here, once again, alone, waiting for something or someone to find me and heal my, once agan, open wounds. tragic love stories, story of my life. getting used to it? one might say. the hurt still stings. it still feels like my heart splintering into a billion tiny pieces, in slow motion. unable to ever be restored to its original. no doubt that i everytime i fall in love, its different, but i fall in love like never before. only to find that i'm never good enough. i am officially synical.

my eyes swollen from the crying. my heart aches from the words. feelings are all stagnant and arent moving. my heartbeat might as well not be there. my skin translucent and my head spinning. accidentally deleted all your texts right before i went down to meet you, i'm guessing it was fate. i am broken, once again. and i will never let myself go through another process of 'falling in love' just to get to this state once again. its not worth it. what did i get out of this? or us? nothing. not a relationship, just a lesson learnt. that i will never fall in love again. to those strong enough to go through it time and time again, i salute you. but i am too weak, and i am not willing to go through this bullshit ever again. i dont need it. i have myself and my friends. who would never ever hurt me, i know for a fact. so, yet another boy has come and gone in my life, my best friend(the one boy who will never ever hurt me.) still by my side. this just proves my point. no one matters more than your best friends. i think i can stop the crying and the hurting and just learn to be happy once again. i have to. love songs playing on the radio, they give me no feelings, just memories of people, places, ambience. they all say things you wanna hear, until the last words.

i wont write you a love song.

monday auji and i went to get sucky ice cream from frolick at tampines one. eew. sucks ass. hahaha. but they had fruity pebbles. yummy.
just got back from siglap at 11.30. went to east coast, so much memories. good and bad. more bad than good, but it was all fun. haha. sat at the pit where we had my birthday last year. i miss everyone, so much. the last 6 months of 2009 were the best ever. i loved every second of it, and the first 37 days of 2010 sure cant live up to that. got the can of anchor, and the m&ms, with the mp3 and the endless thoughts, sat there without a word.

you're my true love, my whole world. please dont throw that away. please dont walk away, please tell me you'll stay.

the anchors and smokes are a temporary escape from all that drains my soul. nothing has hurt more than this. i gave my heart and soul only to have nothing returned. once again, i am not good enough. once again, i am hurt. another headache tonight, another hangover tomorrow. another talk tonight, another heartache tomorrow. vision blurred, lungs in pain. memories mean nothing anymore. desires that no longer can be satisfied. with those last words i leave you to go out to live my life, without you. something great we could have been, but will never be. for the last time this heart aches, for never again will i let myself feel. this heart is officially chained, and the key has been thrown away by the only one i've given it to. in love i have lost, nothing have i gained but the realisation and the mentality that this is all bullshit. love is something we crave, to feel wanted to feel needed to be 'happy'. but we are never satisfed. theres always something more that we will want. something out there that always seems better. to all the people who dare to love, i salute you. i know i am no longer strong enough to withstand the heartache love brings. i am broken, i am damaged. the tears that fall have no meaning to anyone else. its all of no use. i dont regret being foolish enough to fall for you. but i'm sorry i'm not good enough or what you truly desire. i'm sorry i could never make you happy enough or that i put you in this situation. i will always love you. but it will mean nothing to you.

if you walk away, i'm walking after you.
stephanie crystal audrey laura nicole erin mable jasmine samantha . ♥♥♥♥♥♥.

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