when you've found the perfect flavour of gelato you never want to try others.
if that makes me a loser i'll gladly accept my fate as a one-flavour lover

pain is timeless and universal it seems

Baby come back (Hall & Oates)

Spending all my nights
All my money going out on the town
Doing anything just to get you off of my mind
But when the morning comes
I’m right back where I started again
Trying to forget you is just a waste of time

Baby come back
Any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back
You can blame it all on me
I was wrong and I just can’t live without you

All day long
Wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up a smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down
I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to God that you were here

Baby come back
Any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back
You can blame it all on me
I was wrong and I just can’t live without you

Now that I put it all together
Give me the chance to make you see
Have you used up all the love in your heart
Nothing left for me
Ain’t there nothing left for me

Baby come back
Any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you

supernova

and as i herald the new year with much anticipation and relief, i acknowledge my final journey as the person i was always meant to be, a figure if you will, to always be adored from a distance, approachable yet unattainable. that's how it's always been as a child. i could never keep close friends because privately i always felt like they were just another species. and no one,hard as they tried, could ever tie me down to any form of relationship. because innately i resisted being a part of anyone.

i'm no superstar, but i totally get where elvis,mj,cobain,winehouse,speed et all were coming from, and why they all were the loneliest stars in the universe.because in that extended metaphor, you can never shine with other stars around. and rather than languishing for more, i've achieved everything i could possibly want in my work,family,love life, and personal bests. or as jo aptly put it tongue-in-cheek,'you're not a sad spinster like aunty von, coz you've got us.' haha i guess we've made amends and a whole lot of closure since japan

i've reached a point where i've served my function to all who matter. i think i already did that years ago:

as well as to my 24 'kids'

this shall be my last entry.
i'm closing this down because it has served its purpose.i've made and said my peace.

as i breathe my last,i will go with the best sum of all parts
jo's whiny mehs, jill's artless giggles, lexi's annoyed groans
your big warm palm on the small of my back,your strong fingers in me, the comforting laundered scents of your gunny-sack polo,watching you preoccupied and dextrous in math,your quaint elemental saltiness,those melting pools,the small gentle voice at the other end of the line

good karma all
love and light
namaste

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. 

- Joseph Campbell

xmas shopping list

for self:
swatch touch @$195


dunlop crybaby gcb95 @ $180


onitsuka tokidoki @ $130

for jo:

mamegoma toy @ $30

for jil:

black t-shirt tarepanda print $25

haha i love civil service bonuses. just saw >6.5k in bank after returning from japan. how can i not splurge?

kiv:

marshall 2266c 50w vintage @2k sweet!

and perhaps that perfect ride into the sunset, which shall also be her name!

supernovas are transient and beautiful, key word being impermanent, which is what makes it beautiful.

lamentations of a lesbian mom

lately i've been getting random pms from my defunct fridae account from assorted women ranging 30-41 years in age, all asking the same questions about my life, all asking me out to meet for dog dates (bring your teen kids too, one proposed) coffee or even that lame ass 2queens party, to which i replied with polite excuses of disinterest.why should i make new connections so they can satisfy their curiosity? i'm no freak-show or lesbian model they can learn from because truth be told, many lesbians are truly stunted in maturity and limited in life experiences because many are just cowards hiding behind their closeted lives an an excuse to avoid actual living. i feel contempt for most of these women because they're a disgrace to womenkind in their misplaced misandry and often misguided notion of love (read possessiveness because they're afraid of losing that rare lesbian partner who actually comprehends commitment and not because of some selfish need to validate themselves as love-worthy).

i am shit sick of people in general and their disregard for sincerity and truth, i hate how they think the world is dispensible and that they mis-prioritise relationships for ambition or approval which shows that the only reason they get into relationships is for yet another selfish need on their list of goals. i think in the scale of humanity lesbians rank in the lowest common denominator because most of them are losers in all aspects -- academically, socially, and definitely morally. they treat their partners as showcase items, arm candy, or worse, a fucking wallet. at least straight women are not sneaky about their ambitions, and gay men are honest about their lust. lesbians are completely screwed up in their pettiness, insecurities, and physiques i might add. i just want to disassociate myself from the entire pathetic community.

jerks <-- lesbians --> bitches

if anyone should ask, i'll just say i'm monosexual because i'm completely unattainable and only have the capacity to love myself like no other. not in a conceited way, but just borne of dignity and self-respect, something absolutely wanting from these self-deluded whiney bunch of nobodies.

so as i sat alone beside a spanking lake of ducks while the kids mulched around the forest, i felt like i finally understood the nature of solitude, its beauty arched in the complete sensation of a 7 degree day matched with a setting sun. it was so cold i couldn't think.yes in a gorgeous combination of numbness matched with the exhilaration of breath-taking surroundings, i grasped my final moments.it will be much the same when i move into that lovely light atop nepal. all else would fade and no more recurring pain of memories and lost causes.

then i reached the hotel and decided for some reason to check my texts.it's been a week since i let technology interfere with my inner peace.big mistake. i get a slew from kat lamenting the heartaches of betrayal and self-loathing.no different from my dark days which i refuse to re-visit.so i thrashed them and shrugged it off and another's suffering which only affirmed the futility of love in our realm of human existence. it really isn't worth any breath when there's so much beauty in the artlessness of nature and its lovely offerings. i shall devote the rest of my days to that alone, because it can do no wrong, unlike the human capacity to hurt and destroy. i suppose it takes us a lifetime to really grasp what is really important in life to invest our emotions and trust in. and human relationships are definitely not one of them. i've learned this the past decades, and this year especially the harshest lesson in trust. there is no such thing as eternal love because unlike the instinct of baser animals to nurture and protect, man as darwin aptly postulated, is merely in it to survive at all costs.