One year ago today....

One year ago today at about this time, we were sitting in the ER with our Gilly Bear wondering if he was going to be alright.

There have been so many moments this year that the reality of him falling out our window strikes us with fear and amazement.

We are so grateful for the out come of our little man's scary adventure.

He's doing so well!

Perfect.

Once again thank you for all of your support and kindness to us.

We are grateful for his presence in our family everyday!

A little trip....

As a general rule civil Engineers don't take fun business trips.

Who wants to go to Kanab, or Monticello for a great time?

A few years ago Bob joined the leadership of Southern Utah ASCE branch.

He started as secretary and this year he is the president elect.

This is all volunteer work but we have seen a few perks recently.

In October he had a leadership training meeting in Washington DC.

My mom, who is the nicest lady EVER,

came to stay with our children while Bob and I went to DC.

(He is so nice to let me tag along)

I have never been to DC but my best friend Ally and her husband Wes went to Law school there. I always wanted to visit,

but it never seemed to happen when they lived there.

They have been back in Utah now for awhile and we tried to beg them to come along with us.

He is kind of a big wig with the SLC chamber and busy hob nobbing with politicians,

executives and CEO's to break away to come with us:)

But they were good enough to talk to us around 20 times during the trip to give us directions and places to eat, things to see, and little known facts.

So essentially they were their with us in spirit.

Let me say to you that I could have eaten at Potbelly's 25 times while we were there.

We ADORED Washington DC.

One of the coolest places I have ever been.

I truly left feeling very Patriotic!

We already have plans to take our kids back when they are a little older.

We didn't get much closer to the Capital than this because there was a huge Gay Rights rally going on. We fit in real nicely....

Arlington cemetery was so huge and the changing of the guards was such a moving experience. We were a little tired from trying to cram so many things into this long weekend. But we want to see as much as we could see.

Mount Vernon was probably my favorite thing we did.
It was so amazing seeing the actual home of George and Martha Washington.
The grounds were beautiful and we learned to much about this amazing man.
It was truly a spiritual experience.

This Bas Relief was at the ticket gate.

Their home was located right on the banks of the Potomac river. This was where you could take a ferry across to Maryland or just a tour around Mt Vernon.

This was the original burial place of George Washington.

This is where his remains are now.

That night we went down to the mall to see all of the amazing monuments at night. This is were we parked. What a view.

I have always wanted to see the statue of Abraham Lincoln.

I obviously have a slight obsession with him seeing that my 2nd born shares his name.

I just truly enjoyed every moment in DC.

We also went to many of the Smithsonian's.

Bob did actually have to go to meetings and I spent my time down at the mall going from Museum to Museum.

I was warned how much time the Holocaust museum would take and how emotionally draining it would be.

I have been to an actual concentration camp in Germany, but I was not prepared for the sights I saw in this museum.

That is all I can say about that in this forum.

I would recommend going though.

We shopped the streets of George Town where our hotel was.

Good shopping.

Such a fun town.

So on Thursday Bob and I leave for another conference, this one is in San Diego.

Once again my amazing mom is coming to stay with our kids.

They are so excited to get her here.

They could care less about us leaving.

It will be so fun to have one last little trip with just the two of us before our sugar baby arrives!

Thanks mom for letting that happen.

What would we do with out you.

Baby Boy

Any questions?

I didn't think so!

While we were sitting at my sixteen week appointment, my mom and Bob were both with me. I had a moment of fear right before the U/S tech started the ultra sound. Gwyn truly had been praying for a baby sister for at least a year. Everyone (including myself) would try to help her understand that this might be a brother. About a week before we found out Bob told me that he thought that we were wrong to try and prepare her for a brother. Why wouldn't Heavenly Father bless her with her hearts desire? We should believe in miracles.

He was right.

With all that I still had fear.

I am not the mom that KNOWS what she is having.

I never know.

(Except with Tucker and that was only 2 weeks before his ultra sound.)

I didn't have a feeling either way.

I hoped Gwyn would get her sister.

The nurses and Doctor were joking that this is when my daughter would lose her testimony....We all laughed but inside I was freaking out worried.

On the other hand I had Gil. He kept insisting that this was his brother.

When the U/S tech found the spot we were looking for we ALL saw that this was clearly Gil's brother. I said it was a boy first, and it was like breaking the ice, after that everyone could say it out loud. I looked over to Bob and he was tearing up. Some how he always reaches the emotional steps before I do. I wasn't sad, I just had knowledge now.

We left and my mom and I headed to Target to find some kind of surprise for my sweet girl. How on earth could I tell her this?

I took her out of pre-school early and put her on my lap in the car. My mom sat next to us. I then pulled out a necklace and my mom pulled out a crown as I started crying through some explanation of how she was going to be the only princess. When I say I was crying, I mean tears streaming down my face. She looked at me very sweetly and told me "It's okay mom I just looove babies". She hugged me and said "why are you crying?"

What do you say to that?

We got home and Gwyn ran into tell Gil and her Aunt and cousins. Gil was just happy as can be with the information. We got the boys from school early and Gwyn got to tell them that is was a brother and Abe was pretty bummed out. After about an hour it was old news and they were all off and playing.

When Bob got home that afternoon, I told him I was going to lay down for awhile. He came in a few minutes later and sat down against the wall as I cried a few tears.

* I need a disclaimer here and say that I am already so in love with this little baby boy growing in me!

We talked for sometime. You know, about the things you are embarrassed to actually admit. I cried for the loss of daughter I won't be raising, the loss of a sister Gwyn will not have.

Bob teared up over the fact he can only make boys:)

I mean really, it's not like he has real control over that.

We cried for Gwyn.

About this time Gil wandered into see what was going on, and I flippantly asked him how he knew it was a brother. He answered very seriously, "Because I know'd him from my memory, I dreamed about him." Bob asked him "well what's his name then?" Gil bear said "I don't know, but I like him." He then got up and bounced away. To say that I was blown away is a small thing.

It was just what we needed.

Bob looked at me and said " I guess it was Gil who needed the buddy not Gwyn." Heavenly Father has a plan and we do not know all. Gil knew something about it though.

After that we started to talk about THIS baby.

Him.

Our new son.

How much fun it was going to be and how excited we really are.

Gil has had some very interesting things to say about this baby. He is very interested in him. When I was getting ready to go on my trip with Gwyn, up to my mom's for Paige's shower, Gil was sad he wasn't going. I told him he got to hang out with just the boys. He quickly responded "well mom, your gonna have to leave the baby then." I told him that this little guy was stuck with me until he was big enough to come out. He told me" Just go to the doctor and take him out for a little while."

He rubs and loves my tummy all the time and tells me "I love that baby in your tummy"

Who knew?

He is only 3 years old.

He also tells us of his plans to protect him from mean kids.

He can't wait to be able to share a room with him.

He is heart broken Gwyn gets to sit by him in the car.

The big boys are even volunteering to change diapers. Tucker told us today that after all the time Gwyn and Gil are getting with the baby that he won't get any time with him.

This baby is not loved.

Not at all.

I have had so many experiences the last little while. I have so many friends from my youth who have had very sad things happen with their babies that I feel almost embarrassed to be writing these things down. How silly to be upset that he isn't a girl. We are so blessed.

I had my 20 week U/S on Friday and our little sugar baby looks PERFECT. 10 fingers, 10 toes and every organ he needs. It made my whole day wonderful. I was just giddy over the news. I took Gwyn so that she could see this baby. She was more concerned if what they were doing hurt me.

She is excited.

She still wants a sister.

She has asked me why Heavenly father didn't answer her "lovely" prayers for a sister.

What do you say to that?

I have never ever considered 6 children.

I have let that thought have a little space in my head.

Bob said it makes him want to puke.

I don't know.

My body suffers.

My varicose veins have come back.

Bob provides for our needs but money is tight.

We would need a new car.

We would need a new house.

We really love each other.

We have really GOOD kids.

This is what we do....

Parent and have kids.

It's our hobby.

We are a great team.

Our kids mean everything to us.

I guess in the end we will play it "one child at a time."

We will see what our Heavenly Father has in store for us.

I am not committed either way....

All I can say is that we are sure excited about this one.

p.s. We are looking for name suggestions......anyone want to help us out?

Baby Number Five!!!

Here is what our Christmas Card looked like this year.....

I am already thinking about what we will do next year with our new little sugar baby.

I have really wanted to document all of the things that have gone on with this fifth baby. Really this is my 6th pregnancy. I lost my third at 15.5 weeks in January of 2004. The reason I bring this up is that this baby's due date is only one day off from my little baby I lost 6 years ago. This baby's whole time line has actually been very difficult this pregnancy.

I have always wanted five children. For as long as I can remember five sounded like the perfect amount to children. Coming from a large LDS family I loved having so many siblings. I know that this is not the case for everyone, but for me, it was everything. When Bob and I really started talking about marriage, we discussed how many children we would like. He and I were on the same page. He also comes from a large family.

After we started having children, and we saw just how difficult, hard, FUN, and rewarding it could be, we talked about it again, saying "just one child at a time." After Gil was born, our hands were full. Gil and Gwyn being so close was hard. When Gil had just turned two, I asked Bob one night if he wanted to have a 5th baby. I told him my hands were full and if he thought that we were done that I could really consider it. I told him he didn't have to answer now but I wanted him to think about it.

One of the reason I love this man is that he doesn't take my words lightly. The next afternoon Bob surprised me, and showed up around lunch time. I remember I was vacuuming with Gil napping and Gwyn playing with some toys. I had almost forgotten about our conversation when he told me that he had really been thinking about us having another child. (Kissed him for it!) He told me he was not ready quite yet but that he felt strongly that we should have another child. I hugged him because I adore him.

After Bob was laid off and Gil fell, I really did question if we should just be done, but Bob once again assured me that things would work out. My mom and I attended the Temple and I was really pondering what our next move would be as far as our home and whether or not we should move to SLC or not. I didn't necessarily get the answer I was looking for but I did have the overwhelming feeling that I should be at peace about having another child. I felt really good about it.

I never get pregnant right away. (Unless I have a newborn already, then I am FERTILE) It took a good 6 months. I was starting to wonder if I should start worrying. So when we found out in October that I was expecting we were thrilled! It didn't take me long though to start really worrying about whether I would be able to keep this baby. I started spotting about a week after I found out. Bob gave me a blessing Halloween morning and he reassured me that things would be okay. I had a Dr.s appt the next Monday and my AWESOME Dr did a little Ultra Sound that day. There wasn't a heart beat yet but everything looked normal. They had me come back at 6 weeks and we did another ultra sound and there was a heartbeat, slow....it had just had started beating but still it was there.

After that, things were really good. I have had moments of panic. It's interesting how things work out. Until I could find the baby's heart with my Doppler (thank you Brooke) I drove Bob mad with my fears about the baby. Everything felt similar to the baby I lost...I didn't think that two kids later I could still remember so much about that third pregnancy. Strange how your brain and heart remember, when you felt it was safely tucked away. It was so fun to go to my 12 week appt and see just how much the baby had grown on the ultra sound. We could not believe how much that little peanut was moving around. We were so thrilled to surprise our kids with the news on Christmas eve. Everyone for that matter, we had told only a select few that we were expecting.

I won't lie and tell you that most of the families hopes were for a girl. I say most because Gil has said all along that this was a baby brother. We knew that when we signed up to be parents again that we would be happy with WHATEVER we had. Still it would be nice for Gwyn to have a sister and I would love to doll another girl up! When the Ultra sound tech snuck us into to peek at our baby at 16 weeks we saw that our baby was most definitely a boy.....

I'm thinking.......

I am going PRIVATE.

I never thought that I would.

I actually have hated private blogs and I love to blurk as much as the next person.

What made me decide to do this your wondering.... My reasons are pretty simple. Always the fear for my children's safety.....especially since we will be adding a new sugar baby soon. I read over my blog a few weeks ago and noticed that the last year I have hardly blogged and what I have is not my voice. I have come to realize that is because I have feared judgment. I want to write spiritual things that I have felt and sometimes I fear the comments that my sisters have received on their blogs. I want to write about my stupid bad days or my grumblings. I write a million blog entries in my head that never make it actual posts. I want to write what I want, and feel safe about it. I want to hear my own voice again and document all those moments that mean the most.

In part I also acknowledge that I am pregnant and overly sensitive. On my fifth pregnancy I can completely admit that I am a bit crazy when I am pregnant. My sainted husband has definitely learned this and to cope (I think) with this crazy pregnant wife. So who knows in a few months I may be public again.

I would love to invite any of you who are interested in reading my blog. I know that there are some of you who have never commented, but please feel free to leave your e-mail for me. If you feel my religious moments won't bother you and you don't mind a little craziness from time to time please leave me your e-mail address. I just wanted to know who is actually reading about my family.

I will be going private next Friday....that gives you 1 week!

*As far as my pictures, I will be posting them on my little photog blog....I'll get back to you on the details on that.

Cabin Fever.....

We have been SICK at our house.

Some nasty virus walked in the door and settled in real nicely with everyone in this house hold. We all spent at least 2 days in bed and then 5 more wanting to just lay around....okay maybe just I wanted to lay around that long. Bob came down with the virus while Gwyn and I were away at Paige's shower, so by the time we got back he was doing better. He was awesome and took great care of us when he got home from work. There may have been a few nights I got in bed at 6pm.
On Saturday we were all feeling stir crazy and needed to get out. After Tucker's bball games we headed to Zion National Park.

It was so nice to get out.

The park still had some snow, so no real hikes were possible for the family.

There were some amazing water falls that you don't usually see in the spring or summer. We loved finding them all.

We had a hard time trying to convince Gil it wasn't a good idea to eat the snow...

Gwyn was thrilled to just be out. She the first person to get sick and so she had at least a week of being couped up while feeling a lot better. Miss Debbie, Gwyn's pre-school teacher, dad passed away so we didn't even have pre-school to occupy her mornings with.

Mr. Abe...

See this face, this is the face he makes when he talks in this annoying voice that Bob and I want to cover our ears when we hear it.

We're really nice parents.

He is a punk, but we still really like him.

Tuck was home sick 3 days.

He begged me to take him Barnes & Noble to pick up the last book in the Lightning Thief Series. He even bought it with his own money. He read the whole series in 3 weeks and couldn't put it down. We have 2 rules at our house or 2 deals if you will; if you read a book and you really like it, Mom will read it too. And if the book is a movie, you can't see the movie until you read the book.

I started right away, and I was as sucked in as he was. I finished the series last night. It was a really fun read. Abe is almost finished with first book. I will have the two best looking dates to the opening of movie next week.

Can you believe we will have one more to add in about 4 months?

We are so excited!

So there it is...an update finally!

We loved a little afternoon in Zion, and we all enjoyed a little fresh air.

Although we were couped up so long and feeling yucky....

I won't complain about the read-a-thons we had.

I find so much joy in having book discussions with my boys. (Bob included, he just finished Mistborn.)