Remember

Dear Self,

Remember. Remember that everything in life happens for a reason. Remember that there is something to be grateful for every day. Remember that this life is a gift and that decisions determine our destiny.

During our sacrament meeting yesterday good friends of ours spoke and shared some important messages. The focus of one of the talks was to remember. To record your life to share with our family, friends, and those who will only learn about us from the things we make record of. He said to make time to remember the details of this life and to recognize the hand of God in each day. It had me thinking about my present time and how sometimes all I can think about is the future and I spend so much time focusing on the future that I tend to push aside my present. My children especially. I think about when they are older, when they can get themselves dressed or for heavens sake, wipe their own bums!

I want to always remember them as they are right now. I want to remember how much they need me and how much they are learning. I want to remember the way they say "I love you, see you soon" over and over and over to the point of tears whenever I leave the house for a meeting or a quick outing. I want to remember how much they trust me and turn to me for every.little.thing! I spend to much time getting frustrated with them for things they have no control over. I need to remember they are little, and that they will only be this way once. I need to spend my time comforting and encouraging them. I have my good days, but lately I feel like they are few and far between.

Remember Bostyn, how she likes to be in charge and loves to be vocally recognized. She is very good at making you do exactly what she wants and her pouty look can get her just about anything she wants! Remember her lisp and all the conversations we have together and all the emotion she shows in her face when she is telling stories! Remember her contagious laugh and her one-dimpled smile. Her big blue eyes and her tiny little nose. Her love for all things pink and princess. The next time she asks me to paint her nails and toes I hope I can remember to take five minutes to bond with her and remind her there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for her.

Remember Madden, what a sweet and sensitive boy he is and I hope always will be. He wants to be just like his dad and wants to be the best at everything. He is protective and so loving. Remember his brown eyes and how he searches your face for direction and comfort. Remember how he plays with my hair every time he is nervous and the way he makes a hmmm noise whenever he is embarrassed! I need to remember how sensitive he is and how much it hurts his feelings whenever he thinks I am disappointed in him. I hope I can always remember to teach him to do his best and that will always be enough.

Remember Breckyn, what a sweet child she is. I want to remember every detail about her! I want to always remember the day she was born and the way my life changed that day because of her. She is so very special and so needed. I need to remember how quickly she will grow and how I need to cherish every minute with her. Remember  her smile and how from the moment you walk into her room each morning she is full of joy and love. How her smile brightens every morning! Remember the way she loves her Dad and how he is the one who can always make her laugh and the second she sees him her whole body smiles and wiggles! Remember the way she stares when I feed her and how each time I look down at her she is already looking up at me. I need to remember to put my phone down while I feed her and just enjoy each moment with her. Remember how she loves to be cuddled and at the same time how much she loves her own space! I hope the next time she is fussing I can hold her and comfort her instead of giving her her binkie and walking away.

Remember how very blessed I am and always have been.

Dear Madden...

I'm not much of a journal writer. I wish I was, but I've started 20+ journals in my life and don't think I have ever made it past entry #5 so I turned to blogging. Once again. I'm not much of a blogger! I enjoy reading other blogs and stalk frequently ;) I have great intentions of keeping this updated for my family but I fail! And I'm not even sure much of our family sees this anyway. So I'm turning it into letters for my children and husband. If my intentions are to print this "letter-blog" one day do I need to make a different blog or can I choose to print from this post on? Anyone know? Anyway.... I've felt like this is something I need to do for my family and a way for me to remember the little things and the silly things my kids do and say. So I'm going to start with today. 

Dear Madden, 

You touched my heart today, as you often do. You have had such a passion and love for the church and our Lord since you started going to nursery. You are always the one to tell me in detail what you learned in class and exactly what songs you sang and what picture you colored. You are always telling me that things we do and say make Jesus very happy, and sometimes you tell us that things we are doing and saying make Jesus very sad! 

Today was fast and testimony meeting and you have been asking you bare your testimony for months. I always told you that you are to little and that when you grow bigger you can have a turn! Today I changed my mind. I wanted to set and example for you, but that was after you set an example to me. The congregation was silent. Minutes were passing by with no one getting up to bare testimony. You whispered to me, "Why is no one talking, we aren't supposed to take breaks!" My heart melted in that moment so I asked if you wanted to go up there! You very excitedly agreed and we practiced a few words from our seats. Once you felt ready we walked up to the front. And you must know how much I love you to go up there with you! It's not an easy thing for me and truthfully I'm grateful to you for giving me the courage. 

We got to the pulpit and you quickly changed your mind so I told you to sit and that I would go first. You sat on my lap after I was done and we waited until you were ready. You looked into my eyes for guidance while you played with my hair and earrings like you always do whenever you get nervous. You quietly told me you were ready for your turn so we stood and tried it again! You got nervous again so I helped say a few words for you like we had practiced and we went back to our seats. We got back to Dad and Bostyn and you were immediately sad that you didn't do it by yourself and asked if you could go back up! 

What an example you were to me today son. A reminder that there should never be a quiet testimony meeting because we all have much to be thankful for and should always take those opportunities to publicly thank our Father in Heaven. You were an example of courage and faith and I am so very proud of you. I pray you always carry those qualities with you and that you are always brave and always have a desire to share what you believe. You have blessed my life more than you will ever know or understand. The things you say to me and not things all three year olds say. You are a very special boy and I love you just the way you are. Keep being my inspiration Tracer-Boy... I need it more than ever! 

Love, Mom

{Meeting Breckyn}

Breckyn Lee Morrison

7 lbs 3 oz 

20 inches 

March 20, 2014

**WARNING: This is a birth story that includes actual photos from live events that took place on March 20th ;)**

I figure I'd better write Brecks birth story before I forget it all! Its already been a month since this little bit of heaven joined our family and what a perfect addition she has been! We love this baby more than words and I am beyond grateful to be her mother. And even more grateful that I get to watch Robbie once again be a father, and he is thee best at it and it was like I got to fall in love with two people on the day of Breckyns birth! (I should insert here that YES I already loved my husband before this day BUT I got to fall in love even more, he loves his children and everyone who knows him knows that!) 

My pregnancy seemed like much more than 9 months! I only had about 6 weeks in between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again so for me if felt like it was a 15 month pregnancy with no end in sight! So at 39 weeks I was over it all! (like most women are!) 

I went to see my Dr. that day and I had little change from the previous week so I was in a bit of a downer Debby mood the rest of the day and had Young Womens that evening and Rob had called to tell me he was working late so I'd have to take the kids with me! Thats not my most favorite thing to do! So I had a friend of mine, who is also in YW, walk with me that night to the church pushing the 90 pound stroller with the twins! After walking back home that night and back up the hill it takes to get to my house I was tired and uncomfortable and a bit emotional! Robbie got home around 10 and after I went on and on with all my irrational hormonal "get this baby out of me rant" I decided I may as well go to bed and throw myself a pity party! 

Well - 10:30 came around and i hollered to Robbie "umm.. I think my water broke... or maybe I was just finally able to pee more than a drizzle Im not really sure!" He was confused and probably wondered how I couldnt tell the difference. So there I was sitting on the toilet, since I was trying to relieve my bladder in the first place, and a gush of water happened again. And like the total genius that I am, I said to Robbie "Okay now I really dont know whats going on because I just was able to "pee" more! (I mean seriously how dumb can I be?!) So i told him to call our friend to tell her she better come up to the house. And as I was about to tell him to call her back and say never mind, the contractions hit. And they DID.NOT.STOP! Holy smokes! They started about 2 minutes apart and I had no idea what I was in for! 

We got to the hospital at 11:15 and in the room and checked at about 11:30ish! I was at a 5 and contracting every minute and a half. The drug god was in an emergency c-section so I had to wait what felt like a life time! Just over an hour went by and in walked the man of my dreams ;) okay yeah, obviously im exaggerating a bit but come on lets be honest at that moment I would have done anything that Dr. asked me to. So there I was loving every second that that drug had to offer, happy as can be and high as a kite. Not the worst feeling in the world ;) My dr. came in after I got all good and medicated and I was at a 8+. I didn't think it would go so fast but everyone left us alone and turned the lights out so we could "rest"

Minutes later I kept telling Robbie I was certain she was on her way out of me .. what a strange feeling that was. After a bit the nurse came to check me since I was contracting about every 30 seconds and this is how the conversation went 

Nurse: Okay yeah you are a 10 plus and ready to have this baby! 

Me: Okay great... so what does that mean?

Nurse: It means your about to have this baby!! (insert laughing here)

Me: What? Really... sooo.. what does that mean?! 

Nurse: It means its time to push! 

Me: NOW? thats it, thats all thats left? 

*Dont judge me for being a complete idiot! I had no idea what to expect from a normal delivery and had no idea it would all happen so quickly** 

So.. we all know what happens next! Baby time! I wasn't even allowed to have any practice pushes because just attempting to take a deep breath was more than enough to get this baby out! So in walked our Doctor and a few minutes later out came this perfect little human at 2:00 AM. Gosh I wish there were words to describe that moment. There aren't. She was perfect, bald head and all. She was calm and she was more than I ever could have hoped for. She was healthy and she is all mine and we are obsessed with her!

This photo above is so beautiful to me. Seconds after being brought into this earth, I didnt get to experience this moment with the twins and this is what I longed for and why I held out for a VBAC. It was worth it. All of it. 

Robbie had absolutely no interest in cutting the cord. He told the nurses he didn't want to but I told them to ask him when the time comes ;) And he did it! Did he love it? I mean, no, BUT he did it! He said it was such a strange feeling. But I mean could it possibly be more strange than the feeling of a tiny human coming out of your body? Doubt it. 

We love our Doctor and his staff and are so grateful for the memories we have had with him. Such a compassionate and caring man who truly wants whats best for you. We have been through a lot with him in the past year and a half and he has been so kind through it all. 

The twins LOVE their sissy and Madden tells us often how happy Jesus is that we love our baby sister so much! I swear that boy is more in tune then most grown adults and I'm always amazed at the sweet comments that come from him!

Tell me thats not the most adorable photo you have ever seen!? While holding Breckyn she wouldnt take her eyes off Robbie for the first 5 minutes! 

But she finally looked and she is just as obsessed as we are! 

Well there you have it! I spared you all the unkind words and things I said while I was not yet medicated and all about the reality of life after giving birth and the things that people don't ever tell you! And there is a reason why! Breck was about a week old when I was looking at her and said to Robbie, I JUST realized this baby came out of me, its no wonder I feel so awkward in my lady area! Followed by: there is a reason we forget about the pain, because Im not so certain we would want to go through it all again! (Yes of course I would go through it all again but you know what im saying) 

OKAY this has been long enough. I will make another post about life with 3 kids and all that jazz! 

Christmas 2013

We spent Christmas in Morgan with Robbies parents this year and had a great time! The kids were very into Santa this year and although they were terrified of him they would always tell whoever was acting alittle naughty "You better be nice or Santa isnt going to come give you a special surprise!" It was uaually Madden telling Bostyn that about once every hour but it was still cute! 

Christmas Eve they got to open up new jammies, a movie and fruit snacks! (we got the most reaction out of them over the dang package of snacks than anything else!) 

Christmas morning Madden was up at 6:30 asking if we could go down stairs to see what Santa brought, he tried his best to be patient while we waiting for Bostyn to wake up, so about an hour and a half later the little queen decided she would join the fun! She isn't much of a morning person so it took a few minutes for her to start acting and looking excited! 

She did however give a nice smile when she noticed a stocking full of fruit snacks!! HA! 

Checking to see if Santa ate his cookies and gave the reindeer carrots! Santa came to visit us while making cookies the night before but I only have a picture on my cellphone! 

Everyone knows what a sweet boy Madden is, he was so happy with his gift from Santa that he just wanted to hug his Dad!!  

Madden worked hard and saved money to buy Bostyn this little Barbie which she LOVED! And she bought his two little disc guns that I may, or may not, have thrown in the trash already ... Dont judge! 

Little bossy pants wanted to open everyone elses presents and not her own... this is when Rob was trying to explain that that isnt how it works.. Minutes later she was upstairs in a little time out and further discussion!! She gives the nastiest stink eye and doesnt brake!! 

Grandma Linda had these hats made for the kids, and even one for me, but I decided I'd save mine for baby girl for next Christmas! I just dont think I'll be wearing that hat often!! 

We are grateful for all that Grandma and Grandma Morrison did for us this year! The kids are so spoiled... loved.. yes, I mean loved! ;) 

  

But Of coarse, playing in a box of peanuts was WAY more fun than any present they could have asked for!

The boys playing the Wii. Madden was obsessed with this game and now thinks he is a real baseball and tennis player!! This kid LOVES sports, which you know makes his Dad very proud and happy!! 

Bostyn gave it a try for about 3 minutes then was over it! She is a hoot and a half, but anything involving coordination isn't really her thing!!! We still love her!!! And I will still raise her to play softball!! ;) 

Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone and I look forward to whats to come this year! 10 more weeks until we meet our little girl!! I cannot wait and I think its finally starting to sink in that I am even actually pregnant! The twins talk about her all the time and ask if she can come out of my belly... Madden will sit by me and just rub my tummy and say "hi baby sister!" And I think we will have to name her Breckyn because it sounds SO dang cute when Bostyn and Madden say her name!! I think Breckyn fits into our family just right!! 

No-Negative November :)

**Warning, I do not know why the font is so funky!**

Since I refuse to grow a beard and participate in "no-shave November" I had to come up with something a bit different to show my love and appreciation for my very favorite month of the year!

I have been planning to write this post since November 1st.. well that date clearly has come and gone and here I am November .. (oh heck lets get real, like I even ever know what day of the month it is!?)

I enjoy seeing/reading what people post on facebook during the month of November and how creative some can get, how deep some can think and how funny little things are that people take such joy and thankfulness in! I have been blessed with probably the greatest year of my life. Nothing huge happened, I certainly didn't hit the jackpot and no money grew on the trees that were planted. And I don't think I followed through with one little goal I set for myself. However, to sit and think of all that has happened in my life, in my kids life and how friendships have grown and my love for certain things has deepened, I'd consider this to have been a great year.

I read an old LDS conference talk recently and I can't help but remember reading...
    President Thomas S. Monson put it this way: “It is not enough to want to make the effort and to say      we’ll make the effort. … It’s in the doing, not just the thinking, that we accomplish our goals. If we constantly put our goals off, we will never see them fulfilled.”

Gosh - how I loved reading that. That short paragraph sums me up pretty well. I am one of the best at the "thinking" and "wanting to make an effort" "saying I will make an effort." And I hate to say that I am also the best at putting my goals off... constantly. It doesn't matter if its a personal goal, a spiritual goal, a goal to teach my kids, to be a better wife, a better friend, or a goal to bite my tough and to guard my thoughts... Whatever It may be I give up. Not in a, throw my hands in the air I'm done, kind of way but that I am idle in my actions. 

Yet somehow I am so blessed to still be prompted with the desire to become and do more with myself and my time. Some nights I lock myself in my room and tell Rob that he's in charge for the night and I will lay on my bed.. browse some sort of social media app or watch some schmuck tv show that never leaves me with a desire to want to better myself! But I have to say that I have a pretty drama free life so I find great joy watching it on tv ;) reality or not!! And don't bother telling me its a waste of time. Clearly I already know that but don't plan to make any changes any time soon! (just being honest!) 

Anyway, point is, goals. And November. I set a goal to write what I am most thankful for this November. A goal, I can certainly accomplish... right now! 

(Enter cliche moment here...)
Of coarse, most importantly, I could not be more grateful for my super awesome husband. What a great guy that man is. A man who can say everything without ever saying a word at all! (seriously.. you will never meet a man of fewer words!!) I have been asked by more than one person how he and I make our relationship work. How two people who could not be more opposite can find common ground on anything.. And I think I've come to appreciate that that is the beauty of it all. Its not a fairytale. Its real. Its easy and the only time its not, is when I choose to make it that way! I take advantage of how easy going he is and I expect 100% more from him then I do from myself and that is something I've had to learn to figure out! On the days I want to (and sometimes do) complain or express my frustration I have to ask myself if I have given 100% and if the answer is no, that I have to change my thinking. Rob would do anything for me and for our kids. Not always without asking, but again lets be honest! How many men do much of anything without being asked to do so! (and seriously if you are going to comment about how your man DOES do it all without ever being asked.. dont' bother! I won't believe you!)

And how can I not be thankful for my two wild and crazy kids! What a blast they are. I never knew I could learn so much from two people so small! I watch them and can't help but see so much of my or Rob's personality in them. Sometimes its scary! There are some personality traits about myself I hoped my kids would never have but yet at three years old I can already see it happening! They can be the best of friends or we have days like today when I hear one yell to the other "stop it right now or I will spank your butt!" hmmm..... I wonder who they learned that from! ;) I'll blame it on my super silent hubby! My kids are so awesome. They ARE the joy that keeps our house together. Rob and I always say that even on our hardest days as parents its usually only hard because we have run out of patience or compassion. They are learning and I have to remind myself every hour of that! They can't help that their mom is a giant bundle of hormones right now! Yet, they love me every second! For that I am thankful! 

I'm so very thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know not all will agree with me, but I will never not admit the complete joy I find being a member of the church. How can I ever begin to think that my life hasn't been guided completely by my Savior? The peace that I feel on such a incomprehensible level is because of my love and my desire to become what my Lord and Savior need me to become. Yes, life is hard, but I believe there is hope. I know I will return to my Heavenly Father and I know I want my friends, family and children to always know that I have a testimony and unwavering faith. I am so thankful that my family can be together forver. I am thankful that I believe. 

 Before this post turns into a novel, I will wrap it up by saying that I am thankful that I am thankful! I am so grateful that I can look around and see the good. I'm grateful to be able to count my blessings and even after a hard day, (or what I may find to be hard) I'm thankful for the ability to remember there is always a new day. 

I love you all, and I hope this thanksgiving you can find something or someone to appreciate. Not only because its the month of November or because you are trying to find anything to distract you from the massive amounts of facial hair you have had to look at this month BUT because all is well! And if it's not.. I hope that it will be! I really truly hope it will! 

Back to reality!

Its obviously been awhile since I have updated our blog. I never really knew what to write or wanted to take the time to do it. I've been in a weird place the last several months and pretty much shut myself out of most social activities! After losing our last baby (which I know happens to so many people) I just shut down. Mentally. I couldn't focus on much and my memory was shot. I spent a lot of days sitting on the couch. I haven't found a word to describe it. Closest I think I can come is depression. Not from losing our baby, but I think from the hormone imbalance or something. I obviously got pregnant again rather quickly. Only 8 weeks went by before I found myself taking a pregnancy test and starring at it and kept coming back to it every ten minutes for the next week before I even told Robbie. (Yes I realize that sounds very odd that I wouldn't tell him I was pregnant BUT our anniversary was the next week so I was trying to tell him then!) 

Anyway, there are a few people that I can talk to and everything is normal, but mostly I just look at the person and try to act like I am listening. Things are getting better for me mentally and I feel somewhat normal and I am trying to get back on my routine. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I spent a lot of time with a very dear friend of mine and always find myself leaving our conversations feeling like things are going to be just fine and that we all go through these times where not much makes sense but we keep on keepin' on and it all works itself out. 

I've come to realize, remember again, just how blessed I am. How blessed my family is and how joyous it can be. I just went through a lot of pictures on my phone while uploaded them to my computer and figured it would be a good time to document a few and remember all these moments! 

This was from our DISNEYLAND trip! Alone on splash mountain! Thank heavens our friends came with us! 

My sweet family. Our kids loved DL but the lines overwhelmed them (and me!) 

My extremely handsome boys! I love these two more than anything!

My twins aren't babies anymore and it makes me so sad! They will be three soon and watching them change everyday can be hard! I want to keep them little! They are my best friends!

I love when they actually get along and aren't pulling and pushing or licking and spitting! ;)

We always get together for our family "August-Birthdays" and i thought it would be fun to tell me sisters! It took them a LOT longer to figure out "my eggo is preggo!!" 

Bostyn and her many attempts to do her own makeup! She gets mascara all over the place just like i do!

We went to a football game and Madden was is heaven! He loved every minute and cried like a baby when we left a minute early because he wanted to watch the cheerleaders dance one more time! ha! 

We really do have such fun times together as a family. Lots of drama, lots of fighting and tantrums but overall things are going well and of coarse we are excited to add to our family in March! 

At 16 weeks with little miss. Most days it doesn't seem real and other days I remember that I should have been having a baby this week and then I again remember I still have a ways to go! I have been pregnant all year. It really shouldn't be a surprise as to why I feel so crazy and emotional! 

I wanted to be surprised by the baby's gender the day of delivery, Robbie wasn't having that idea at all and truthfully I think I only wanted to because he didn't think I could actually do it! So we compromised! We went to the ultrasound and the tech didn't tell us but wrote it down and we headed to a photo shoot to capture or reactions! We both thought it was a boy from the ultrasound. The tech showed us the legs and we thought for sure we saw "boy parts!" 

We all write down our guesses on chalk boards and then I covered my eyes and my friend revealed to Robbie the gender and he helped the kids paint their hands and put them on my shirt! So when I uncovered my eyes I was honestly shocked so my reaction picture is real! 

Robbie has been a real gem while I have been trying to figure out my crazy self! He steps in so much and helps me everyday! He is the greatest man and I don't ever give him enough credit for all he does! By the end of the day when he gets home its hardly a pleasant welcoming! I'm so done with the day and over the fighting and yelling and whining that I feel like all i do is complain and yet I still never hear him complain and no dinner, laundry a MILE high along with dishes! I'm sure it wasn't what he had in mind when I told him 3 years ago how excited I was to be able to stay home because i would always be on top of cooking cleaning and blah blah blah!! Oh well - such is life! And its a good one! And no I don't just sugar coat our happy life just for the Internet world. I really do love my family and all our ups and downs! ;) 

Until next time! Which could be another 6 months!