I know I post about her all the time, I am sorry. Ok so I am not really sorry. I have lots of thoughts and feelings going on and I want to get them all written down so I don't forget anything. So bear with me...it's an emotional post.
damn these hormones.
For months when I was pregnant with Roxy, Rob would walk down the hall and find me sitting in the rocking chair in her room. Most of the time I would be staring at the crib or walls. Sometimes I would actually have a little tiny dress on my belly watching her squirm and kick underneath it. Rob would always have a little smile on his face when he said, " Lex, what are you doing?" I finally told him one day that I absolutely couldnt' wait any longer for her to get her. that my Arms physically ached to have her in them. My hearts aches to hold her.
I know I have felt like this when I was pregnant with all my babies. But maybe it was because I hadn't had a baby in 3 years that the need was so strong. Maybe it was actually her, I don't know. But I know that I sat in that room every night wishing she was there already. And praying everything would go ok so I could meet my little baby girl.
When I finally went into labor (all hour and half of it) I was SO ecstatic! I couldn't believe this would be the day I get to meet her. Right before she came out I was in such physical pain I couldn't think straight. I tried to stay focused telling myself just a few more minutes and I would get to hold her. She finally came out and the dr put her on my chest right away. I felt SUCH relief. I was done, she was here! I remember at one point looking over at Rob and though I didn't say anything you could see the relief and joy on my face. I finally had my daughter!
I couldn't stop looking at her. I got to hold her for a little while then the nurse took her over to the table to weigh her and swaddle her. At that point I MISSED her. She was 3 feet away and I actually missed her. I wanted the nurse to hurry up and the dr to finish up doing whatever he was doing (delivering my placenta....haha yuck sorry!) because I wanted to hold her again. She finally came over and handed me my baby! she was crying but she quited right down when she was in my arms. I was in total awe.
She was perfect.
For the next 24 hours I didn't put her down. I loved every second I had with her. I knew I should try and rest but I couldn't. I had too much adrenaline pumped up inside me. I felt great too. The nurses kept telling me that I should get back in bed and lay down instead of rock her and walk around with her. (they weren't ordering me around or anything, they just figured I would be laying in bed.) Rob brought the boys to meet her for the first time. They loved her. they had been talking about their baby for the past 9 months wondering when she would get here and she finally was here. they took turns holding her and just stared at her after every little thing she did. It melted my heart to see how sweet they were with her and how happy they were.
I loved watching Rob hold her too. he doesn't really get excited or talk about how he wants the baby to get here when I am pregnant. he never has. He tells me that he can't really get excited until they actually come out. So it's a little frustrating for me since that's all I talk about when I am prego! But as soon as she came out you could tell he was in love. He's very sweet with her. I love watching him hold her and play with her.
This is one of my favorite pictures. Reven is VERY sweet to his sister. He loves her and he worries for mommy as well. He was so glad he had a sister and that he could hug me. Even though Reven and I but-heads sometimes. (I think it's just he's getting older and more independent and he's the oldest so he has an attitude.) But he can be so loving and so sweet when he wants too. It's those few moments that warm my heart.
Ok so why am I writing all this down at 1 in the morning? I just felt like I needed to get my feelings out. I love Roxy more than words can say. I love all my kids of course. We each have a special bond I think.
Reven...he made me a mother for the first time 6 years ago. He was my first baby and he'll always hold a special place in my heart
Mason.... He was my little miracle baby. (if you don't know the story Ill post it sometime) He's my sweet and sensitive baby and I just love him so much.
Jesse...He stayed in my tummy the longest. He just didn't want to let go! He was my baby for 3 years and I feel a very special bond with him.
But Roxy...she is my daughter! I have heard about strong bonds between mother and daughter ( and I have a mom so I know!) But I just thought "of course there is a bond, it's your kid!" But boy do I feel it. It's different with her I can tell. Now I am not sure if it's because she is the baby and of course the babies always get spoiled or if it's something more. But I am just in love. the other week Rob picked Rox up out of her car seat. And I guess I was staring and didn't realize but he said, "You look at her different than you have with the others. Your eyes get all emotional every time you look at her" I told him of course that wasn't true and I look at all my babies that way. But who knows...maybe he's right.
But she does bring a special spirit into our home. I will be forever grateful for that feeling.
I hold her constantly. I have to remind myself to put her down and don't let her get spoiled. my lips are constantly on her face as well! I can't stop kissing her. and even though she can't even hardly hold her head up much less talk to me, I know she loves me when she looks into my eyes. When she gives me the biggest smile. When she stops crying the second I pick her up. They way she looks at me when I save her from being mauled by her big brothers.
Now in no way am I playing favorites here. I love every single one of my children equally. They bring such joy to my lives all in very different ways. I couldn't live without any of them!!
sometimes I think because Roxy and I had gone through so much together before she was even born. With all these health issues it's been really rough. But while I was going through everything my number one thought was always, "please let the baby be ok. Please let me be able to hold her one day." I was afraid of losing her for a long time. I think that alone makes the bond a little stronger. Plus she is just an amazing baby!
Thank you guys for listen to me rant. I really wanted to express what I feel everyday. Which is just pure love and joy to have her in my life. I catch myself thinking all the time "I can't believe I have a baby in the house, and she is mine! How very very blessed I am to have my little family. I can't even imagine life without them."
And if you didn't feel the same way about her like I do before. After seeing this picture you will :) I mean come on...she is just adorable!
