Loving Myself

I am not sure where my thinking got screwed up in my life. Maybe it was when I was a little girl watching my mother exercise day in and day out and always calling herself fat. (she was not fat in any manner) Maybe it was when I was a teenager thumbing through fashion magazines and wishing so badly that I had perfect skin and hair and body. (looking back, I wasn't too bad) Somewhere along the line though, I taught myself to hate my face, my body, my hair, my skin, etc. etc. The list could go on and on. 

I have always thought that by the time I was 40, life would be practically perfect and I would have it all together.  I have gained 25 pounds since I stopped running. My body is not what I want it to be. I am not the best mother, though I try to be. I am not the best wife, although I also try to be that. I am forever beating myself up about all these things that I think I should be and yet am not.

I have realized something, though. I am staring 40 in the face and my life IS practically perfect! I have the best husband, the best kids, the best family and the best friends. NONE of them are perfect but they are to me. 

Life does not have to look a certain way. My biggest hangup right now is my physical appearance. Having a little extra weight does not determine my worth. I have decided to love myself the way I am, while still working at being the best I can be. I am going to see myself for my accomplishments and not my hangups.

#1- Continue to try and be the best wife and mom I can be. Ross and the boys love me and they want me to be happy. How can I keep them from me being happy?
#2- In the whole grand scheme of things, does it matter how much I weigh? It does matter if I am healthy and taking care of my body. So that is what I will do.
#3-This "ugly" body has stories to tell! It has traveled the world, had 3 kids (via c-section), run countless miles (including a marathon), biked a few miles as well, held up the weight of the world, held up hands and hearts and heads that hang down, kneeled in the temple of God with my husband, and made covenants. It serves those around it. It carries a whole lifetime of happiness, sorrow, experience, and love. There is nothing to not love about it! It's who I am and a part of who I want to become. 

I know that these things are not easy, especially for a woman. I really believe that I can do it. I believe that I can do anything. 

And so, I will.

My Part

The other night I had the most amazing experience. I have to record it here because I don't want to forget.

For quite a while, I have really struggled with a certain person in my life. The ironic part about it is that they have no idea of the feelings I have had. They didn't necessarily do anything wrong. There is something that they have that I thought I wanted in my life so much. I have struggled with negative feelings towards this person.

I didn't want to have these feelings so I decided to try to serve them as best I could. I know that it is almost impossible to have bad feelings for someone while serving them.

For a few years, I stepped out of my comfort zone and have served them in so many ways. It wasn't working so I kept trying. I realized I was waiting for them to stop and tell me how wonderful they thought I was. It didn't happen. I was not doing things in the right frame of mind and my feelings for them were getting worse, not better.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night thinking about them. I cried and cried. I didn't want to have these feelings of bitterness any more. I started to pray. I told my Heavenly Father that I had tried to do what I thought was right to get over it and I realized I couldn't do it by myself. I needed him to take it from me. I pictured myself putting all these feelings, worry and bitterness in a box. I closed it up tight and I pushed it toward the feet of my Savior. I pictured him taking it and walking away from me. I fell asleep praying for help.

The next morning I realized it was truly all gone. It has been days and days and it is still gone. I learned a lot from this experience. I learned that after all we can do, he makes up the difference. I learned that I can turn everything over to him. And most of all, I learned I already have everything I need. I no longer think that I require what is not mine. 

I am so thankful.

The Grind

JUST DO IT

Fear

I know that everyone has something that holds them back. Back from living life to the fullest, from being the best they can be, from reaching out to others. 

My entire life I have never felt good enough. For whatever reason, in my mind, I am not pretty enough, accomplished enough, funny enough, interesting enough, skinny enough, etc. Yes, unfortunately, the list goes on and on. There are so many times when I feel crippled by these fears of mine that this might be the day that everyone else figures it out too or maybe they already have and just aren't telling me.

I don't want to be this girl. I have to fight against it every second. Overall, I am a really a happy person. I know that I am so blessed in so many ways and I truly do find the joy in life. I love to laugh and make people smile. I have the best marriage, the best kids and the greatest of friends. I guess we all have to have something we struggle with or it just wouldn't be life, would it?

I know that this is my trial. I know it is up to me to make weak things strong. It is so hard to figure out how to do that. But, I will keep trying.

2013 Word of the Year

My word of the year for 2012 was 'Balance'. I have thought a lot about it the last couple of weeks. I had a clear picture in my head of what I thought balance would look like in my life. From that vision, I totally failed. Does anything ever really go along with the picture we have in our head though?
I realized that balance has come to me in a completely different way.
This year has been one of the hardest in my entire life. As I have struggled to find my way, I have clung to that which breathes life into my soul. Ross, my boys and faith in God are the only way I have survived. I have not been the best at actively living every facet of the gospel this year but I know with all of my heart that my Heavenly Father loves me and has his hand in my life. His love has sustained me when I have had nothing else.
My relationship with Ross is the most important to me. He is literally half of me. I never knew that I could be in love with someone so deeply. His happiness is my main goal in life.
My boys are my very reason for being. I know that I drive them crazy. I don't care. I am their mom. I will love them, nag them, annoy them, protect them and do anything and everything else to help them succeed and be the best they can be. Hopefully one day, they will see me for who I am; someone who would die to make them happy.
So in a weird way, balance has come into my life. I know what is important to me. I know that I would lay down everything else in life to serve my family and my God. I still take on too much and spread myself too thin. But it is my choice. I know that I don't have forever to make a difference. So I will now when I can and still want to. For me, balance is knowing what is important and making it a priority in the middle of all the other chaos.
All of this really is leading up to the word I have chosen for 2013. I have chosen the word, "Abundance". I truly believe that I can have it all. I am willing to work my butt off for it. 2013 is my year to make great things happen. Trust me, you won't want to miss it ;)

A Review of 2012

2012 is almost in the books. We have less than 24 hours left. It always amazes me to look back on a year and see all the things that we have done and everything that has happened.

Here are some notable things:
-Corbin turned 12 and was ordained to the Aaronic priesthood
-Tyson started HIGH SCHOOL! (what the heck?!)
-Jaden's outdoor soccer team went undefeated for the season. again.
-Tyson, Jaden and I each ran a leg in the Wasatch Back
-Tyson attended his first EFY and loved it
-My awesome brother in law, Koa, was baptized
-Ross completed his second LOTOJA and PR'd on every leg. He took more than an hour off his overall time!
-Corbin started junior high (again, what the heck?!)
-Tyson received his Patriarchal Blessing
-Mitt Romney, a Mormon, ran for POTUS
-the age that young men and young women can go on missions was lowered to 18 and 19, respectively
-Baby Beckett was born!!!
-I endured physical therapy for my failing knees
-my good friend and I filmed a motivational movie for America First C.U. based on my marathon experience
-my kids and husband continue to be total rockstars in all aspects of life

We are so blessed to have each other through everything! 2012 was good and bad, happy and sad, and everything in between. I look forward to 2013 being the best year of my entire life because I am going to make it that way!

Broken Heart

This last Friday, December 14th was one of the worst days in U.S. history. A 20 year old mentally ill man, opened fire in an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. He killed 20 children between the ages of 6 and 7, 6 teachers, himself and later his mother was found dead in her home.

How do you reconcile the pain that something like this causes? I do not directly know any of these people but I have been so distraught, I have cried myself to sleep over it. I mourn for so many including the boy who was so messed up in his head that he could even think to do something like this. I mourn for my own children, that they have to witness the evil that is in the world today. For the parents that are missing their own precious children because of this.

There is a bomb threat that is called in to my son's high school for this Friday. A good friend asked me today what I thought about it. Here is my response to her:

"My thoughts about it are that even though sending my kids out into the world terrifies me, I can't and won't live in fear of what might happen. There are a lot of messed up people out there but I trust in my Savior. Tyson's patriarchal blessing speaks of his future as a missionary and as a righteous husband and father. He is a good kid. I know that those promises are real."

I would like to add that along with all the messed up people out there, there is an endless amount of good people out there. They get up each day and just try to make the world a little better. I trust in God and his plan. It is perfect. Even with all the hard things that are in it.

In the immortal words of Tom Petty,

"I won't back down, no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down."