Looking Back: It's a Pain in the Neck!

I don’t know about you, but I find myself constantly looking back.  I look back at past decisions, past problems or difficulties, past situations that are all “said & done.”  They are in the past, and most, if not all of these things, are solved.  Yet I find myself still going there and saying, “if only this or that” or “I should have or I shouldn’t have” or “I wish this or that.”  And let me tell you, it can be so tiring! Constantly looking in the past leaves your neck hurting!  Am I the only one guilty?

Just the other day I was thinking back to something that happened nearly 11 years ago, replaying everything in my mind.  I replayed the guilt, the pain, the sorrow, the “what ifs,” the “I wish” scenarios over & over in my mind.  And you know what, it didn’t change a thing! Looking back at events in our lives isn’t always a bad thing, but when we dwell on any part of it that may seem negative and wish we could change it, then it can become debilitating.  I believe that’s why Paul tells us in Philippians to forget what lies in the past and strain forward to what lies ahead (my paraphrase of 3:13).  He then goes on to say in verse 14, “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”  If we are continually looking back, then we can’t look forward to press on toward the goal.  What is the goal? A life in Christ, devoted to Christ, for Christ – in all things, Christ!

If our goal is following Christ, then we must look forward!  In my Bible (ESV), the section of Luke 9:57-62 is titled, “The Cost of Following Jesus.” There’s a conversation going on about following Jesus.  In the last verse, 62, “Jesus said to him, ‘No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.’”  This verse sticks out to me.  I can look at the field across from my house and see the rows and rows of corn.  In thinking about those nice straight rows, it occurred to me that when one is plowing, if he looks back, his rows will not be straight.  Hmmm, thought provoking!  I think this is Jesus’ way of teaching us to not focus on the past, but to look ahead to the future.  I’m not a farmer, nor do I know anything about farming or gardening.  But I don’t think I’ve ever seen a plot of land that has been plowed for planting that has uneven or crooked rows, so I suppose there is a reason.  Maybe it is easier to plant the seeds if the soil is plowed in straight rows? If we are always looking backwards, we will have a more difficult time going forward with Christ and focusing on Him.

Hopefully you are not like me, and you can easily let go of the past and move on.  Hopefully you are not like me and constantly thinking about the “what ifs” of the past.  But if you are, let’s remember to look ahead and stop looking back.  Let’s get that “pain” out of our necks by looking forward to Christ and focusing on him!

The Fight of Your Life

Have you ever felt like you were in the fight of your life?  Maybe not physically, but mentally or emotionally?  I’m sure there is a time that we can all think of where we just wanted to give up, to give in.  A time when there seemed to be no way out, no way to win.  I know I have.  And it’s hard.  Way hard.  Like, seemingly impossible.  But it’s not! 

It reminds me of something I sat and watched several years back.  There was a spider web outside my large window.  I looked out to see some sort of beetle stuck in that web.  I just assumed it was dead.  But as I looked a little closer, I saw it wiggling.  It was trying with all its might to free itself from the web.  And in that instant, the Lord whispered into my heart, “be like that beetle.  Fight with all you’ve got.  Don’t give in. And don’t give up.” 

Deuteronomy 31:6 says, “be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”  God was whispering to my soul that if I would fight, He would be with me.  I should not be in fear of my circumstances, because with God, all things are possible! 

Oh, how I’ve needed that reminder so many times since then!  “Be like that beetle. Fight with all you’ve got.  Don’t give in. And don’t give up.”  What about you?  Have you had those times in your life where you thought there was no way for you to make it out alive?  When you were literally fighting with all your might to stay afloat?  Remember God’s promises to us.  He is with us!  He will even do the fighting for us.  Exodus 14:14 (NLT) tells us, “the Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”

Such awesome truth in God’s word.  In those times when you are overwhelmed, when you are in the fight of your life, just trying your best to survive, cling to God and His word.  Trust in Him, and He will act (Psalm 37:5b).

Just Another Day in the Life

Many people often wonder what our daily life looks like.  Do we live in the jungle? Do we have running water? Do we have Wal-Mart?  What exactly is it like to live in a foreign country?

Well, first, let me begin by saying that it is only by God’s grace that we are able to live out our days here in the place we call home, Guatemala.  It is difficult to live in a culture that is not your own; that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to understand.  It is difficult to learn a new language, a new culture, a new way of life.  We’ve been at this for 3 years (November 2016), and it can still be just as challenging as the first day we arrived.

We live near an active volcano, which means volcanic ash is usually present in the air.  Especially when it hasn’t rained for the last 6 months.  Yes, I said 6 months.  We have two “seasons” – the wet season and the dry season.  It rains daily (usually in the afternoons) beginning in May and lasting through October.  It is then dry (with little to no rain) from November through April.  So that also means it is super dusty here during the dry season.  As in, dust blows across the fields, streets, etc.  Have any of you ever heard of the “Dustbowl” back during the Depression Era?  That’s what I think of during the dry season when I see dirt blowing in the air like a tornado.

With that being said, Aaron’s morning starts by preparing the coffee, because we all need a little juice to get our day going!  He then sweeps the downstairs and mops.  He sweeps every morning, and usually every afternoon just to try to keep the dust & dirt at bay.  One look at my kids’ dirty feet will tell you that’s almost impossible.  Breakfast and family devotion take place next.  Then come the dishes.  No dishwashers here, unless you have a maid, which we don’t.  Dishes are hand washed each time we use them, at least 3-4 times daily.  “No big deal,” you say.  “I don’t have a dishwasher, either.”  Washing isn’t so bad.  But do you have to ensure that your dishes are completely dry before using them so that the smallest drop of water containing a parasite doesn’t infect you or your family?  Parasites are a huge deal here.  Just ask any missionary.  In fact, just about this time last year, I came down with an intestinal infection (likely caused by a parasite) that made me wish I could die!  It was horrible in every sense of the word!  So, we try to avoid contamination at all costs.  Which leads to our water.  No clean water here.  And that we are certain of!  We found worms living on the side of our water filter.  Talk about nasty!  I was just about over the edge after that.  We used to purchase clean, bottled water two times per week.  After about a year of buying water, we found a water filter that is ceramic and can be filled with tap water.  It is then filtered and is considered clean.  Purchasing the filter was a huge cost savings.  But what happens on days like today, when the power and water are out?  We have to plan ahead!  We have to make sure that we have extra bottles of water on hand that can be used in the water filter. 

And not only extra bottles of water for the water filter, but for flushing or washing dishes as well.  We were once without power and water for 24 hours.  That was no fun at all.

But most days, we keep power and water, and even get lucky enough to have a decent Internet connection.

After breakfast, I usually head upstairs to homeschool the boys.  Aaron helps with washing clothes (we have both a washing machine and dryer), cleaning house, and daily chores that need to be done.  He also has meetings, pays bills (which can take hours to do), and prepares lessons during this time.  Homeschooling is a little difficult with an almost 4 year old, an almost 11 year old, and a 17 month old getting into everything!  But we manage to complete our lessons, and most days, pretty quickly.

It’s nearly lunch time when we finish school, so that means it’s time to cook.  We have adapted our routine over the last year; we now have our large meal at lunch time.  These meals consists of many of the things that you would eat in the States: hotdogs, hamburgers, spaghetti, soups, etc.  And much to people’s thinking, we do not have “Mexican” food here as you think of it in the States.  We do frequently make tacos on “Taco Tuesday” from the taco kits like you purchase in the States. 

After lunch, we try to go for a walk or take the kids to the park – if it’s not raining.  Aaron leaves for soccer each day at 2:30.  Because he never gets home at a consistent time, we have something simple for our evening meal (dinner or supper, which is it, anyway?) like cereal or PB&J.

While Aaron is at soccer, I try to catch up on any emails, messages, etc.  I also do any house work that needs my attention.  And I keep up with/entertain an almost 4 year old and a 17 month old.  My days are mostly spent at home with the kids.  I usually grocery shop on Sunday afternoons, which is usually my only day “out” and my only “alone” time.

Ready for the most fun thing about living here … the trashcans! I hope you can sense my sarcasm in that.  Toilet paper can’t be flushed here, so it gets put into a trashcan.  Those trashcans have to be emptied often, as I’m sure you can guess why.  It’s just another thing to get used to while living outside of the US.

After we eat supper, we usually watch tv or read or talk about the days’ events.  And then usually by 9:00pm, we are exhausted and can barely keep our eyes open.  So that means one thing: bedtime!  I pray for no earthquakes while we are sleeping.  They are scary enough when they occur during the day, but I especially don’t like them at night when we are not alert.

We awake the next day to start the day all over again – only this time, it will probably be somewhat different than the day before because somehow, things here never occur the same way!

Scars

Scars.  We all have them.  Some are more noticeable than others; some are barely there.  But no matter the size or shape, they all serve a purpose. 

For example, the scars displayed from when I had chicken pox remind me that I’m not susceptible to that disease again.  They remind me of how bad those little boogers itched, hence the reason for the scarring in the first place.  I scratched the heck out of those things!  Or the scars from my c-sections remind me of the precious lives I brought in to this world.   Sometimes, scars hurt or can be sensitive.  Said c-section scar was painful in the beginning, but with time the pain subsided.  Sometimes it is still sensitive, but it no longer hurts continually.  Most of the time I forget it’s even there, except when I see it.  But, even though I no longer feel the pain, it is still there.  It will be forever there.  It’s a part of me now.  This particular scar changed me.  It changed me not only physically, but emotionally as well.  Scars have a way of doing that.  Life has a way of doing that.  The scars that accompany us throughout our lives are there for a purpose, a reason.

Broken relationships.  Opportunities that passed us by.  Abuse.  Death.  They all leave huge scars in our lives.  Scars that hurt deeply.  Scars that will never go away.  But just because they will never go away doesn’t mean that those scars have to rule us.  Just as with my c-section scar, the pain from the emotional scars we have in life can be lessened, dulled, even forgotten.  It doesn’t mean that we still don’t bear those scars, but it means that the scar has healed.  The physical scars we carry don’t bother us after a period of time because the skin repairs itself and heals.  It doesn’t look exactly as it did before the scar was there, but it is no longer a gaping wound.  Our emotional scars are exactly the same.  Emotional scars hurt, sometimes so much that they result in physical pain.  Emotional scars are no different than physical ones.  They are huge gaping wounds in our souls - wounds that are ripped and bleeding.  Wounds that carry so much pain it hurts to breathe.  And they don’t heal over night.  Or even in a week.  Sometimes it takes months – or even years - for an emotional wound to heal.  To say it may take a lifetime is not a stretch.  But healing can – and will – come if we allow the Holy Spirit to work within our hearts and lives.  It is only through His might and power that we can conquer those scars.  He is the only one that can stitch the broken pieces back together.  Only Jesus can take away that pain.  The question becomes “are you willing to let him?”

Over and over in the Psalms, we see David crying out to the Lord to save him, to rescue him. 

                                    “Save me and rescue me….”

                                    “Be my rock of safety where I can always hide.”

                                    “O Lord, you alone are my hope.” ~ Psalm 71:2, 3, 5

Shouldn’t we be like the “man after God’s own heart”? When our scars are hurting so deeply, shouldn’t we cry out to God and turn to him for our comfort?  Shouldn’t he be our hope?

Psalm 71:7 goes on to say, “My life is an example to many, because you have been my strength and protection.”  Life. is. hard.  There’s just no way around it.  What do we do with those difficulties that we encounter?  Though I am not always good at doing so, it is important that we share our scars with those around us.  We might have a word of encouragement that the Lord can use in that person’s life.  We never know who we will meet and what that person will be going through at that very moment.  Sharing your scars with them may be exactly what they need in order to know that God is real, that he is powerful, that he loves them.  Our lives and experiences are examples of God’s faithfulness, love, and protection that need to be shared with a hurting world.  It’s never easy to let others see our scars, but sharing them may be the very reason God allowed you to get them in the first place.

Now comes the hard part!  Praising Him.  Yes, that’s right.  God is still God no matter what happens in our lives.  And, trust me, I know … so very easy to say, so very hard to truly believe.  But God deserves our praise no matter what has happened in our lives.  Even when it is hard.  Even when you are angry.  Even when you have lost hope.  Even when.  God deserves our continual praise.  You may not be able to praise him in that very moment of sadness, anger, or hurt, but one day you will be able to look back on that circumstance in your life and say, “Thank you, God, for bringing me through.” Or you may even be able to say, “Thank you, God, for that particular trial, because through it I learned more about you.”  God’s ways are higher than ours. We may never understand why he allows certain things in our lives, but be certain that he can and will use it for his glory if we allow him to. 

Webster defines scar as “a mark left by the healing of injured tissue.”  We all have “injuries” that have left indelible marks on our lives.  What will you do with your scars?  Will you allow God to use them for his glory? Let’s stop hiding them away, afraid of what others will say or think.  Let’s instead show each other grace, AMAZING GRACE, as we share our scars and how God has healed them.

Being a Mommy IS my Ministry

Poor, lost, forgotten blog ... I'm back!  Ha! Ha!  Most days, blogging is the last thing on my mind.  Most days it's all I can do to keep going.  The exhaustion of getting up with a newborn every night for 3 months is, well, overwhelming.  But it has really gotten me thinking lately, and thinking leads to thinking some more, which leads to writing.  Hence, this blog post. Because somehow I managed to find a few minutes when the baby is sleeping, the 2 year old is not terrorizing the place, the 9 year old is reading his Bible, and the husband is studying for a sermon.  And the dog, well, I don't care about him.  He's always on my nerves.  But that's another post for another day!

So here I sit with all these thoughts, wondering how in the world I can get them typed out quickly enough.  Ministry... it's what we as Christians are called to do.  Not just those of us specifically "called" to ministry, but each of us who proclaim Christ as Savior.  We are to minister to others around us, share the Gospel, be Jesus to the world.  "How am I doing that?" I often wonder.  Here's the thing: I do it every day with my family.  When I stop to take care of the basic needs of my family, I am ministering to them.  When I listen to the same old (boring to me) wrestling facts my 9 year old tells me for the thousandth time, I am ministering to him.  It's the little things we do that make us as moms "ministers" to our own family.

I've struggled with this for about a year now.  Ever since Aaron and I have "done" ministry, whether it was volunteering in the nursery, teaching youth at our Hispanic campus in Louisville, or being in full time ministry as missionaries, we have always done it together.  (Note: I'm now back after feeding the baby twice, disciplining the 2 & 9 year old, eating lunch, & taking a walk!)  Even last fall when we started the soccer league here in Guatemala, Briggs, Corban, and I were all a part of what happened. We recruited players together, went to practices together, passed out snacks ... all as a family doing ministry together.  But since the birth of Fletcher (now almost 4 months), doing ministry together has seemed almost impossible.  Just ask my friend, Brittney, who visited us last week.  The whole time that we were at soccer last week, Corban cried wanting to go on the field with Aaron.  The ENTIRE time he asked, "can I go on the field with Daddy?  When can I go on the field with Daddy?"  Before Fletcher came along, I had the energy(!) and was able to chase Corban around, but now, I just can't keep up with both of them, making sure they are safe and not into everything.  And so, now, I stay at home with the two littles while Aaron and Briggs go to soccer.  And I'm okay with that.  I have realized that I can be a part of the ministry that God has called us to here in Guatemala by being supportive of my husband and helping him in other ways without physically being at the "spot" where the ministry takes place.  I've realized that my role as a mother is just as important.  How foolish would it be for us to pour all of our time and energy into taking the Gospel to kids in Guatemala without taking it to our own?  So in this season of life that I find myself in right now, being a mommy is my ministry.  Being a praying wife to my husband as he goes out to share the Gospel with kids at soccer practice is my ministry.  Singing "Jesus Loves Me" with my children is my ministry.  Because my current ministry will shape the future ministry of generations to come.  And I'm okay with that!

What's Your Call?

As Christians, we are called to many different things.  We are called to love our enemy; we are called to forgive those who hurt us.  We are called to do difficult things.  And for some of us, those difficult things mean leaving our home country for a foreign land.

Since returning from a visit to the states in May, I have had moments when I really want to go back.  I mean, seriously, who wouldn't want the luxuries of the United States?  Some days, the only thing that keeps you going is knowing, 100% without a shadow of a doubt, that God called you to what you are doing.  We are experiencing that these days.  The things that were so new and adventurous tend to irritate us now.  The culture that seemed so wonderful, sometimes, gets on our nerves!  The "newness" has worn off.  So what do you do in these circumstances?  You focus on your call.

Just this week we've been faced with knowing our call.  People come and go on the mission field all the time.  It almost seems as if more come & go than come & stay.  Events of the past week have helped me know one thing for sure: what my call is.  God has called us to Guatemala.  We know that He has a plan for our lives here, and that we must persevere in doing His work.  It would be easy to pack up and leave when we're having a bad day; I must admit that there have been times when I've looked at airline costs just to see.  But it always comes back to one thing: God called us here, and until He releases us, we are here.  No matter how badly we may want to return to our lives of comfort in the states, we can't.  One of Aaron's professors in seminary told his class that some days the only thing that keeps you going is knowing that God called you to the place you are.  What words of wisdom!

Life is hard, and it's even harder in another country.  But we know that we can't give up or give in to the emotions that we feel.  We have to persevere when things get tough.  We have to push through and fight satan's voice telling us to quit.  That's exactly what he wants.  But, in all aspects of our life, we want our Savior to win.  So we press on, we persevere, we focus on the only thing we can: our call is to Guatemala.  What's yours?

Why I'm Sad

My brain is swirling with so many things right now that this may just end up being a jumbled up mess, but bare with me! I don't want to be critical or judgmental; this is truly coming from my heart. So here we go ...

Lately, I have seen so many things that have really bothered my heart.  I'm not talking about murders or child abuse, although those things disturb me greatly.  I'm not talking about lost people dying without Christ, although that is the saddest thing of all.  I mean, that is exactly why I am living in a 3rd world country - to help spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.  But I'm not talking about those things.  I am talking about legalism at its best.  Christians today are so stinkin' legalistic, and it just makes me sad.  Now I know that I'm gonna make some of you mad, and that's okay.  I'm not worried about it.  What I am worried about is how we as the church are turning people away by our legalism.  I'm not talking about theological issues, either.  I believe that homosexuality is wrong - that's a theological issue that people have problems with.  But that's not what I'm referring to.  I'm referring to the age-old issue of music, for instance.  This is NOT a theological issue.  This is a personality issue.  I prefer a certain kind of music, my parents another, friends another.  But for the sake of Christ, we need to put those differences aside and just learn to worship the Creator.  True, from the heart worship.  As long as the music is honoring to Christ, then why should it matter if it's Southern Gospel, Christian Rap, Praise & Worship, etc?  I get so tired of hearing people talk about how "this" music is "bad" because it isn't the type they prefer.  I told Aaron the other day that I hope when I am old that I will remember that the music that I love today will be "old," and there will be "new" stuff in its place. I don't want to complain about the music that will take the place of the music I worship to today (as long as it is inspired and honors God).  So many people are complaining about the "new" music we have today; have they ever stopped to think that the hymns (or other music) they love so much was once "new," too?  I don't believe that one can worship to ACDC, for example, but Christian music comes in all different genres today.  Let's worship from the heart, whether it's rap, gospel, P&W, etc. and not be so legalistic about what we think is "right" and "wrong."

Okay, so another issue that has been in my radar lately is dress.  Mainly, the way we dress when we go to church.  "You have to wear your Sunday best."  What does that look like for you?  Where I live, "Sunday best" might be a dirty pair of jeans and a t-shirt.  Does that mean that the person wearing them is gonna be shunned by God?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  I get so tired of hearing that you have to wear a "suit & tie" or "ankle length dress" in order to have on your "Sunday best."  While I certainly don't think that a person should show up to church in a swimsuit, I don't think there's a thing in the world wrong with wearing jeans to church.  I mean, seriously, where in the Bible does it say that we have to wear a suit?  It's all about the heart.  Is your heart prepared to worship?  Is your heart prepared to hear the Word?  If you are wearing jeans because you are thinking, "well, I'm tired of somebody telling me what to wear" then you are probably not in the right heart attitude.  If you think, "I'm gonna wear these jeans today.  I am so ready to worship the Lord and fellowship with His people" then I think your heart is in the right place.  Why does it have to be that we "dress up" on Sundays?  Shouldn't we give our best to the Lord everyday?

Next, (as I continue on this soap box!) is church buildings.  I've heard "we can't grow if we don't build new buildings" or "this building isn't appealing to people."  Really?  Because our church meets in the garage where we sit in plastic chairs with no heat or air, sometimes no electricity, and lots of noise from the street - and guess what?  We have new people coming all the time.  Now, before you blast me here, I know I am in a 3rd world country and that the "standards" in America are different.  But that's probably part of the problem!  When did it become more important to have the best and newest buildings over going out into the community and spreading the gospel?  I'm not against building programs - if they are truly needed, nor am I against maintenance on the buildings.   But to allow those things to be the focus, well, I think we have gone the wrong way.  To me, that's just another part of legalism.  Quit focusing on  trying to please everyone.  Focus on sharing the love of Christ with everyone.  It should not be about the building.  Does it really have to be "more contemporary" for people to want to come?  Maybe, but if that's your focus, then I think you are off base.  We need to focus more on getting out there and telling people the great story of Jesus.  Be the church, be on mission.  Quit staying inside the 4 walls of the church building thinking that if it's "bigger and better" people will come.

So, I know some of you are thinking that I am being critical, judgmental, and legalistic myself about legalism.  I'm so not trying to be.  I'm just concerned over the church, and writing is the way I express that best.  I'm not perfect by any means, and I used to be so legalistic.  I was the one saying, "look at what he is wearing," or "I'm not gonna sing because I don't like that song," but God has shown me that I only need to focus on Him alone, and let Him worry about the rest.

1 Samuel 16:7b ~ For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.